Before and After Where People Look Anorexic

magj0y

Yesterday I was talking to a good friend I've known about 7 years. it went a little like this

"man, so Melissa found this old picture of me from the 80's, oh man, you would not believe how fat I was back then. I can't believe no one told me what a fat fvck I'd become!!"

Some people don't want to hear it
Some people are in denial and don't realize it
Some people want to hear it
Some people need to hear it.

Worst case scenario you get a shaming letter from a mod and a clear consience. (sp?)

PicklePlum

Ive private messaged one or two people before, because it looked like they were absolutely wasting away. I voiced my concern, but that was it. I usually can manage a polite, diplomatic approach to sensitive things, and if I can't I won't say anything. I've been on both sides, and it's not easy.

The right way to address anas IMO. At the very least be polite about it, if posted in their thread. Attacking them publically is humiliating and chances are they won't listen.

JesterMFP

From what I've seen on here, some people say rude things for the sake of it/just to cause an argument.

Private messages are the best way to send things if you want to be supportive.

Surely theres never really a time for a horrible message - thats the whole point of the website "myfitnessPAL" not bully!

The word "bully" is way overused on this website. I'm not saying that a public forum is the right place to discuss these issues (kind of depends on the context and content of the original post) but expressing concern ≠ bullying and attacking.

Kebby83

I wouldn't say anything. If they are here and posting it, they know.

MB_Positif

In a situation like this I would probably respond by saying that they looked great in the before pictures.

Arexxx

I wouldn't say anything. If they are here and posting it, they know.

What? No. That is certainly not the case.
People view themselves differently, they may think they need to lose another several pounds when in fact, they need to gain some.

kr1stadee

So, if someone posts a photo and they are overweight, would you tell them that they are fat?
Why is it ok to tell someone they are too skinny, but it's unacceptable to tell someone they are too fat?

People look bigger and smaller in their photos. The "anorexic looking one" needs to only hear it from her doctor.

murphy612

I think all those suggesting that if you have nothing nice to say, not to say anything are missing the point. Mentioning that the poster has gone a little too far or might want to try and stay in a healthy range isn't unkind. And i'm speaking from experience. I got really quite thin at the height of my weight loss, my hair was falling out, my skin was terrible and I looked like I had an eating disorder, I was so skewed in my logic though that even when I hit goal I didn't eat at maintenance, I clung on to that deficit and kept trying to lose just a few more... no one said anything. Not one person (IRL or on the net) said that I should probably stop. It was only ligament damage and a break from MFP that I started to realise what I had done. (Size 6UK (2US) tops were too big and I am large framed) Once I was eating more and exercising a little less, I could see the damage, and when i'd put on a few pounds and started to look healthier, friends suddenly started saying that they were glad because they thought I'd gone too far, I asked them why they hadn't said anything and they all said because they thought it was rude, or none of their business. Granted, I can't guarantee that I would have listened, but everyone was telling me 'well done' so I thought I was doing the right thing...

I think a gentle 'You've done a great job, now let's focus on being healthy and strong and building that muscle' would have sank in a bit better... Particularly if those who don't want to say something 'not nice' aren't, and those who are pro-ana are saying well done, it is going to skew your logic!

Very well written with an excellent example. I couldn't agree with you more. I try to respond with kindness and not judgement, if I respond at all. For an IRL friend I wouldn't hesitate to voice my concerns, but on a public forum, you just never know the mental health of someone

randomtai

I mind my own damn business...

yngone

If someone, ....anyone, asks me my personal opinion.... I call a spade a spade.
But..... diplomacy, manners and couth must also come into play.

animatorswearbras

Not sure if I would unless really worried, but if you do I'd send privatley as not to humiliate them as if they have an ED a public negative response will probably only make them feel worse, and again I would only suggest doing so if they were actually underweight not just low end of healthy bmi (but looked to skinny for your tastes). And my message wouldn't be you look anna it would be your current weight (if they've posted it) is actually underweight for your height, I just wanted to say well done for your success but maybe speak to your doctor to make sure your current weight is maintainable without causing any muscle deteriotion, however it may be that you're just small framed and you're fine but it's always great to get a medical opinion after a large weight loss that may affect your metabolism. Or something unaccusatory like that, that woud get them to speak to a doctor.

I hear about so many people on here saying they get accused of being annorexic by friends even though they're 160 pounds but have dropped from 260 and that can come accross as just spiteful jealousy, if someone decided to tell me that with my future before and afters "you look better and more curvy before and annorexic now" publically I would just assume they were an asshat that was trying to humiliate me, however if they pm'ed me privately I'd take it alot better and as genuine concern.

jennifer52484

I don't think you should just assume they have an eating disorder. Maybe private message them or something if you are actually concerned for someone you've never met.

trophywife24

I don't say anything but have hoped several times that someone else would.

jsbabw

Thanks for sharing that! You really sound like a true pal!

SeaChele77

As someone who suffered an ED and still suffers from body dysmorphia - I say they came to the forum and people should be honest. You don't have to be rude, there is a tactful and nice way to say - "Great job on your loss, but - in my opinion - you don't need to lose anymore. Work on toning and definition." Or something along those line. I've had plenty of people tell me my before picture was fine, congratulate me on my accomplishment (lower BF%), but they have also told me to stop losing!! Being that I don't see what others do - I don't take these words as hurtful or even critical...I take it to heart to really examine who/what I want to be.

These girls (who truly suffer from an ED, not just in a "fad") need help. People around them IRL probably have said something. But they are posting in a health and fitness site - they are opening themselves up for feedback.

People are making comments about peopel still being over weight - there is a very big difference between losing 100lbs the healthy way but still needing to shed another 30+lbs or whathaveyou..... they should be congratulated on their success and should be given encouragement to keep pressing forward on their journey. But a girl at 5'5" trying to weigh 100lbs should NOT be congratulated nor encouraged on *this* site! If they don't want the feedback and honest opinions they should not post!!

shivaslives

anyone posting their progress on these forums is looking for feedback and should be open to either positive reinforcement or some constructive help. Whether you choose to give the latter is up to you and they can take it as they wish. My personal preference is to stay positive and supportive when necessary and not assume I know anyone's goals for being here. I try not to tell anyone else what to do but relate my own experiences. Most importantly, I remind everyone the value of these posts with the tagline below.


Advice is worth exactly what you pay for it!
<=>

SeaChele77

I don't think you should just assume they have an eating disorder. Maybe private message them or something if you are actually concerned for someone you've never met.

Eating disorder or not - if they look unhealthy or look as if they should stop losing - it should be mentioned. No need to call them out on a possible ED. There is a nice/tactful way to tell a person they don't need to lose anymore and should focus on being healthy not skeletal

CoderGal

I usually comment on sustainable food amounts and not size...alot of people can become fairly slim if they are tall and active with a ton of food. I have lost friends from rude comments relating to how thin I have become even though I wasn't where I was 2 years ago when no comments were made and I can out eat all of them. Plus sometimes those comments don't work...many people have many different versions of to slim...and the ones who are sick and slim will tell themselves that its just because everyone telling them that are fat.

SyntonicGarden

I'm torn on this because I grew up being labeled as anorexic at 5'6 and 125 lbs, with constant threats of hospitalization. I was dancing three times a week, walking everywhere, ate like a horse and just happened to have the metabolic features of my tall, thin slavic relatives over my short, stocky Italian ones. I think culture plays a huge part of body image.

For what it's worth, many Asian parents and grandparents are often the WORST with giving their kids body issue complexes by the way... so if the person is Chinese, for example, be especially gentle, since they're probably getting a lot of unsupportive crap from family. Most non-asian people aren't exposed to and don't understand the onslaught of "Why are you soooo fat?" comments at family gatherings. It's terrible if you have to witness it...

I'm now in my late 30's, my metabolism has caught up with me and I'm at 163 as of this morning. My stocky relatives are STILL constantly telling me how thin I am and how I need to eat more. There's not a single one of them who's less than 250, not a single one who isn't diabetic, they're all hypertensive, and at least one's had a bypass. Grandma is over 300, smokes like a chimney, I think she has had knee surgery, and needs a scooter to go grocery shopping.

So I have to remember where it's coming from, be polite, be respectful, and go about my day. The slavic side says nothing.

If someone is genuinely sickly looking, they're probably already getting crap outside of MFP. If you want to be supportive, and that's what this site is for, I think a "I'd love to be at (whatever weight was) and look that good!" is a lot more supportive (especially of the healthier weight) than "Damn girl! I can see your ribs! You need to EAT!"

Otherwise, if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all. There's enough nastiness on this site most days already.

wbgolden

I've seen posts like that. I figure it's none of my business and just keep worrying about myself. And I click the "back" button.