How to deal with non-supportive friends?

karmahunger

Alright, I love the support that this site gives me. I think it's a given that without this site, I would have no chance at weight loss.

The problem is, my actual PHYSICAL friends don't really support or encourage my weight loss. I told two friends (my bestie and a very close guy friend) that I've lost five pounds. They both basically said the same thing: "I lose and gain that back in a week. It's not that big of deal".
I understand J (the dude) saying that, but Steph (a GIRL)?! I fit into jeans that I bought SPECIFICALLY because they were too small, was all stoked, and she totally rained on my parade. She is thin, and is one of those lucky girls that eats a ton of food and doesn't really gain weight...so I don't think it's jealousy.

I haven't told any other friends and I don't intend to. If they notice after awhile that I've lost weight, yay. If not...

BAH! How do YOU deal with friends like that?

Louisianababy93

Nobody.except for one person knows I'm losing weight & he's likes it cause me being me tries to out do him, like my goal is to eventually out lift him,and hes like awesome &. my Philosophy is of they don't know they can't discourage me.. And that might be bad but they'll find out when im all thin and toned and stuff!

kingscrown

I don't really talk about it with anyone nonsupportive. Why torture youself? Enjoy your friendships and think of it as your little secret. They could be jealous. Whatever. Make it a nonissue and when you're looking fantastic and they finally say something. Keep it simple. Just eating healthier. Say nothing else.

tinlee

Try to keep it to yourself. Before mfp, I would lose and gain the same 5 lbs over and over. But with mfp, I lose more slowly but it seems to stay off since I've changed my approach to food. Your friends won't understand why this is different unless they actually give it a try. Try not to let it bug you.

Congrats on your progress!

Moe0112

I understand exactly how you feel, except for me its the hubby. I would get excited about just little things and he would just give me a look like its not a bit deal. Its just got rough. But I made the decision to make my life better! And I always can some on here and talk to the great people who always are supportive

SherryTeach

Maybe I'm at a different place in my life, but my definition of a "friend" is someone who can enter into a relationship with me in which we can be mutually supportive of each other's positive life goals. Those are the ONLY people I am willing to voluntarily spend time with. Life is hard enough without choosing to put people in it who just weigh you down.

JosephVitte

I think you just gotta do what your doing, for you. Now.......I'm not saying your doing this to gain attention from anyone in particular, but you might be learning a valuable life lesson at the same time......and it's this......People have there own problems........it might not be your's(weight) but it could be something that comes naturally to you, like smiling, or laughing, or joking, or a whole endless list of things. I don't think there being insensitive to your accomplishment, I think that you might be being a little to sensitive. I feel that WE, society in a whole, need to stop doing things HOPING to gain recognition or compliments, and the sooner WE stop the more you'll end up getting anyways. It's always "sexier" to be noticed rather than telling ppl to notice you. I mean this nicely......in your head......not out loud.......you gotta say. "fu*k them"............yes there still your friends, but now your starting to take control over your own feelings, hopefully. Do the things you do for you, because you want to, because you feel better, because you like to. Who know's.........maybe one day you'll hear something from one of them........out of the blue............and the compliment will feel 100 better because you weren't FISHING for it.

The best to you...........

Sarah_Wins

Unfriend them

VelociMama

I don't really talk to that many people about it except a few family members and a good friend who is also on MFP. I rely on my MFP friends a lot for that kind of encouragement.

FutureSkinnyMama03

This is why I never discuss weight loss with my friends. There is only 1 other non-mfp person that knows I'm trying to lose weight and that's my husband. I don't discuss it with him often or anything but it does come up since I'm trying to make it a part of my life. I have even noticed him trying to be more encouraging lately & it's awesome when he makes that effort. But, I do not say anything else to the friends I hang out with it. I figure that when they notice, I'll just say I'm trying to make healthier food & exercise choices andn leave it at that unless they feel the need to pry more.

Julicat6

A girl who has never had weight problems will probably not get it. I recently went shopping for a dress for a special occasion and texted my BFF that I was able to get a 14. All I got back was "cool" then she continued her "poor pitiful me" rants about this guy. She is just too hung up on what's going on in her life to really celebrate me hitting milestones that she never had to worry about. She will go workout with me and such, but when it comes to saying I look great or anything...not going to happen. She weighed 155 on the day she delivered her daughter(witch:grumble: ) I have a Husband who notices and comment, co-workers that do, and other friends on the same journey, we support each other. Maybe you have other real-life friends or family who would be supportive?

vzryder

I hear you loud and clear, cop the same myself

Have they got no idea of just how uplifting those words ''are you losing weight'' feel?

Concentrate on the positive, this site, as you say and try to ignore the negative!
Happy health!
Pat

taunto

Don't tell people outside of MFP about your work unless you're absolutely sure that they will be supportive

jenilla1

I don't have any non-supportive friends, because to me, people who aren't supportive aren't friend material. I don't have the time or patience to deal with drama, negativity and bad attitutes. I really believe that it is true that "like seeks like", so if you want to be a happier person, hang out with happy people. You want to be more active? Don't hang out with couch potatoes. You want a healthier lifestyle...well, you get the picture. Sometimes we outgrow our friends and we have to move on. Some friends might decide to join you on your journey, some will fade away, and some will try to sabotage your efforts. It may sound harsh, but that's how I see things. It's all about priorities and deciding what's more important. :flowerforyou:

sarahisme18

I don't really talk to people other than my husband or my mom if I've lost weight. I've found that even talking to some people about my physical goals like exercise or whatever elicits weird or non-supportive responses.... I think even if someone is thin already or whatever, not everyone is happy with their bodies or their health no matter what size they are, and it could be jealousy or feel threatening that you're doing something to change your lifestyle. When they start seeing some results, those will speak for themselves---and hopefully they'll be more supportive or even inspired by you.

karmahunger

It just sucks because I am so excited about the little things; fitting into new jeans that I bought a size too small, doing more push-ups etc and I can't share it with anyone except for here, but I don't even have before/after pictures so when I DO lose the weight I want to, I won't really be able to share my success as much here.

SafioraLinnea

I hear you on the unsupportive real life people. My roommate comments daily about how she thinks I'm shrinking into nothingness (my goal weight is the highest weight in the normal BMI range for my height, so I'm in no way making poor health choices) and then she offers me all kinds of crappy foods because that is what she is eating and she is jealous of my weight loss. She is very negative about my success and constantly tries to sabotage me. It is extremely frustrating.

My mom is really similar about sabotage efforts -- I tell her if she wants to eat poorly, then she shouldn't complain to me about her weight. I just encourage her to make healthy choices. There isn't much else I can do.

victorious27

I understand in a way. I get so excited/upset over my weight sometimes...and my boyfriend just doesn't get it. He thinks it's stupid that I want to lose weight, and has told me this many times. It's frustrating, but I'm not too worried about it. I just shrug it off knowing that I'm not doing it for him, but that I'm doing it for me.

JosephVitte

I hear you on the unsupportive real life people. My roommate comments daily about how she thinks I'm shrinking into nothingness (my goal weight is the highest weight in the normal BMI range for my height, so I'm in no way making poor health choices) and then she offers me all kinds of crappy foods because that is what she is eating and she is jealous of my weight loss. She is very negative about my success and constantly tries to sabotage me. It is extremely frustrating.

My mom is really similar about sabotage efforts -- I tell her if she wants to eat poorly, then she shouldn't complain to me about her weight. I just encourage her to make healthy choices. There isn't much else I can do.

The way your describing the sabotage is similar to how drug addicts act. There always trying to get people around them to do what there doing, so they don't feel so isolated and alone in what they do. Eventually though.............a lot of times atleast, they'll eventually back off and or just leave you alone. Being strong in this situation is KEY. Don't fold, don't give in, not even a little, they'll smell the opportunity to try more.

Bottomline, we are who we are, and at the end of the day, it is up to us alone to not cave and follow our own path's......in life, period.

vmekash

If you know you're really ready this time, then don't worry about what they say. For a while, esp. if their negativity may affect you, just don't share with them. My impression is that they don't mean to hurt you, but that as your friends, they don't want you to set yourself up for disappointment (given history???). Just do your thing. Get your support here. Eventually, they will notice you shrinking, and they will want to know what you've been doing. They will begin to realize that this time it is different. And then, they will support you. At least, that's what I think.

Good luck. You'll do great.

PatriceMG

Just keep your weight loss efforts your little secret. People will start to notice without your prompting and that feels so much better! It took about a 20 pound loss, which is where I am now, before I started getting all kinds of comments (good ones!).

wabbit19

I'm in the same boat, over the last year I gained 22lbs (family probs) and am trying sooo hard to lose it again. All of my friends and FAMILY say that I'm stupid and I go on these "dumb" diets, that I should just be content.

I try my best to ignore it, and hopefully physically show them that I can lose the weight and maybe some more.

onepillarofsalt

Maybe I'm at a different place in my life, but my definition of a "friend" is someone who can enter into a relationship with me in which we can be mutually supportive of each other's positive life goals. Those are the ONLY people I am willing to voluntarily spend time with. Life is hard enough without choosing to put people in it who just weigh you down.

Super super true.

My sister and I are both on this site, encouraging each other all over the place. All of my coworkers are super supportive, as is my partner and the rest of my family. I can't imagine tolerating people in my life who don't support me in making physically and mentally healthy choices. I mean, I guess the frenemy is a common thing... I just have no patience for that kind of nonsense.

monuinal

Who cares about them. This is all about you. You don't need confirmation from anyone. You'll find what works for you. Like me, i tried like all sorts of diets and was never quite consistent, until recently discovering Optifast :-) When you are loosing the weight, it speaks for itself. I have lost 70 lbs and i never mentioned any of it unless people asked, only now have i started publicly talking about it because I've plateaued, and whatever i was doing before isn't working for me now, but besides the point. People are very funny in their ways, the only thing that matters is what you think. Don't let anyone make you think any differently.

pkoll

Here are my theories--- Sometimes people close to you are threatened by your weight loss, afraid you'll gain confidence and leave them. Some may feel bad about themselves because you are being strong and they are not. Some of your thinner friends may be threatened that you may catch up with them, which changes the dynamics of how they see you and see themselves. I've heard people say that they will be sooo mad when a friend who has always been heavier than them loses weight and will now be smaller than them. They took comfort in the fact that they were always the thinner one and now they don't have that!

See it as their inability to cope, and KEEP GOING!

Rogue_Minx

If you can't support me and my goals, I don't need to support yours. And I also don't need to be your "friend". I surround myself with those who encourage me and let me encourage them, people who want the best for me and love to see me shine. No offense to your friends, but that's just me.

HMToomey

Take before pictures now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I take pics every month and for awhile I could not see the difference but now to look at October vs. April it's crazy!

Also, why not make friends with other people who need work out buddies?

aldousmom

Ugg, that's the worst.

I have the same problem. I just read a fantastic article on No Meat Athlete, where he's talking about when you're setting goals (fitness, weight, whatever) to enlist the support of friends by telling them all about it, what your goals are, how you're going to get there, etc. He's saying, by safely keeping your goals to yourself, you save the embarrassment of failure.

I'm cool with failing...that's how you learn. What I'm not cool with is people who hear your goal, and flat out discourage you from attempting it. That sucks balls. I am not friends with those people anymore, and I stay away from them. I hear thru the grapevine that they are still pretty negative about the successes I've had. And, they're all still either fat or sick, or both. Bless their hearts, I hope they figure it out. And I hope they can do it without being hateful or calling anyone else names. I have new friends.

I wrote a blog post about this just yesterday, about my situation and my journey, if you want to check it out.

http://aldousmom.tumblr.com/post/34807065303/how-most-people-fail-before-they-even-start

babeinthemoon

My hubby wasn't all that supportive until I got past the 2 month mark, where he could really see that I was being dedicated to it. Then I was hit with an emotional bombshell, and I still kept up the hard work.... which to him was even more impressive, even if the weight loss has slowed down a little. Give them time.

sevsmom

I wish it was weight loss that had opened by eyes to my less supportive friends. Sadly it was getting divorced! 2 people I thought would be supportive basically told me I ruined my marriage (they didn't know he was cheating) and it was my fault and they were going to miss HIM! And the other event was my 20th (er, um, OK....20th) HS reunion. People I had know for literally decades turned into raging b1tches and being hateful and nasty to the "popular" kids from 1989! I was appalled.

How did I deal. . .politely give them their space. I don't need negative and hateful people influencing any part of my journey. I do have a person that I would've liked to call a friend who basically told me that my talking about my running and physical activity p!sses her off so I have to watch what I say when she's at my house every week for a group meeting. If anyone comments, I try to redirect the conversation.

I just don't give them power over my emotions or my dedication to healthier living. It sucks, but some times people just need their space!