How to deal with a breakup

jordanlell

It's a little bit long, but I could really use some support. Believe it or not this is the shortened version.

I'm in the middle of breaking up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. It's got me really depressed, I don't want to workout, not eating much, sleeping a lot at inconvenient times, and not at all when I should be. My school work is suffering, and I'm afraid my health is too. It's been a long while since having a break up, my last one "serious" one was in high school, so obviously quite a bit different than now, so I'm just not quite sure how you get to the "moving on" part after losing someone you thought you might spend the rest of your life with.

A major cause for our break up is his declining mental health, he's to be tested soon for what his therapist calls "prepsychotic disorder." He's talked of suicide and has now quit his job, with no back up plan whatsoever. I tried very hard to be there for him, but as we now live an hour and half apart after living together for three years (he moved for work, I moved for school), it was very hard for me to keep up with his changing moods. He eventually ended up saying that he didn't want to be with me because he didn't want the things we had talked about before, such as marriage, kids. Said he couldn't be a husband or father and he didn't want to hold me back. His own father is in poor mental health, had three kids with three different women, and wasn't really a father to any of them.

I just keep thinking that one day he'll get better, when he gets the treatment that he needs, and maybe we can be together again then. But, I've started to realize that the day that we work things out may never come and I have to be prepared for that.. I just don't know how to let it go.

Any advice, suggestions, anything?

barb1241

I think he might need a friend if you can still be that for him. In the meantime, take good care of yourself, and be open to other possibilities. If he gets help and is halped and it works for the two of you to get back together, that's just a bonus. BUT...You can't stop living while you wait to find out what happens. I don't mean to imply it's easy and you must have a broken heart, but take care of yourself or you will beno good to you, him, or anyone else.

Sorry you are going through this and hope it resolves quickly for you.

Barb

FiercelyBeautiful

You are making the best possible choice, be patient with yourself but dont go back, you need to move on and I think you know that. Feel how you feel and let yourself mourn but give yourself 7 days. After 7 days pick yourself up and move on. I once was exactly where you are and that is what I did and it was the best thing for me! xoxo -Tamera

MichelleLaree13

I do best focusing on making everything perfect. Especially when things are bad. I start with a list of everything I need to do. I clean the house, organize my clothing, make a diet plan, make future goals for school, vacation... I just start chopping away at the list

janelle1993

Get involved in activities that make you happy that way you have less time to think about the break up and your focusing your energy on something that will end up bringing you happiness. Get to exerising! Exercise causes endorphines which make you happy, thank you elle woods, haha pus it let's you release some stress and anger you probably hav built up from the failed relationship, also make sure you don't talk to him for a while because you really need to get over the relationship. Plus if it was something mental he had going on you should be happy he told you it needed to be ended because I don't think it is a good idea to be someone mentally unhealthy. I hope this helped and be happy because now you have another chance to experience love.

FiercelyBeautiful

I think he might need a friend if you can still be that for him. In the meantime, take good care of yourself, and be open to other possibilities. If he gets help and is halped and it works for the two of you to get back together, that's just a bonus. BUT...You can't stop living while you wait to find out what happens. I don't mean to imply it's easy and you must have a broken heart, but take care of yourself or you will beno good to you, him, or anyone else.

Sorry you are going through this and hope it resolves quickly for you.

Barb

I am a mental health counselor (therapist) and I say NO to this, no offense but this is terrible advice and is not in her best interest.

FabMrFox

no advice but i can one up you if it would make you feel better? Sunday I found out my wife of 12 years has been having an afair for the last 3-4 months with her co worker she claimed was gay....during this time she continually scolded me for being mistrustful and paranoid even stating I needed to go to counseling about it. well we went to counsling where she stated she just wasn't that interested in making things work. ( now i know why) keep in mind we have two kids a large house and all the normal dream things people wish for. I don't know if this helps but sometimes it's nice when other people have had a worse day.....maybe not but anyways /hug

miadhail

First of all, here is a huge tight hug from me to you *HUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG*
Every break-up is different, since we all experience different events and in different intensities, diffierent stories in all of our relationships. However, I do know how difficult it is.

I don't know if this makes you feel any better, but I feel like he was somehow (maybe subconsciously) looking out for you. At least he was honest with his (future) shortcomings and both of you know how your relationship is strained with his mental health and the distance between the both of you. Instead of dragging the relationship on with only half of his heart in it, he decided not to have (both of) you suffer anymore.

There will always be love for him, especially with the time that you two have spent together. And there will always be that lingering sense of hope of getting back together, but until then, you should be taking baby steps into moving on without him.

You don't have to fully let go now (I mean that's just impossible at this point even for anybody else in your situation), but slowly work on doing things for yourself. You wouldn't want every other aspects of your life to come crumbling down as well, would you? Reset your priorities, and work towards them (school, working out, etc).

Vent out your frustrations in writing or blog everytime you feel like giving up or when you feel like the world is against you. Hang out and talk to your close friends/family. Try refocusing all that sadness into positive energy in motivating you to achieve your other goals. Take up something new, fill up your days.

Do something you love, something therapeutic (painting, writing, yoga).

If you have a pet, spend time with it, cuddle with it (they do lower stress).

Hate to break it to you, but the best way to overcome a break up is to actually just let it run its course. The whole mourning process. Have one last good cry, and pick yourself back up.

All the best and take care, dear.

jordanlell

no advice but i can one up you if it would make you feel better? Sunday I found out my wife of 12 years has been having an afair for the last 3-4 months with her co worker she claimed was gay....during this time she continually scolded me for being mistrustful and paranoid even stating I needed to go to counseling about it. well we went to counsling where she stated she just wasn't that interested in making things work. ( now i know why) keep in mind we have two kids a large house and all the normal dream things people wish for. I don't know if this helps but sometimes it's nice when other people have had a worse day.....maybe not but anyways /hug

I'm sorry you have to go through all that.. it doesn't exactly make me feel better that someone else is also suffering, but it is good to know that I'm not alone, and I guess that it could be much worse.

jordanlell

Do something you love, something therapeutic (painting, writing, yoga).

If you have a pet, spend time with it, cuddle with it (they do lower stress).

We got a cat together, but she moved with him :sad: I can't have pets in my apartment. But, I might try your other suggestions, thanks.

miadhail

Aww, that sucks that you can't have pets in the apartment. Mine is the same way, I just fought for my kitties haha, so all I had to do was pay a fee. :P But you can always volunteer or visit the local spca/pet shelter.. always such joys to be around with

annduong

One of the most important things in dealing with a break up is to put yourself first. Try and find something that distracts you and keeps your mind off the memories. Have a girls night out, go to a club, do something that you really enjoy that you haven't done in a while. Make yourself happy, even it is for a day because you need to realise that there is more to life than a man.

If you can't, you mentioned how this break up has caused you to put on weight, so go to the gym. Think of the things he said that makes you upset, or angry, or hurt and use this as a motivation to push yourself into losing weight as well as helping you to relax and slowly get rid of the emotions you feel.

Then, when it comes to dealing with the issue of him and the break-up, create a list of all the things you love and hate about him, the things you want and don't want if you were to get married and have kids. Then try and think of all the things he would love and hate about you, the things he would want and not want if he were to get married and have kids with you. Compare these lists and perhaps figure out a way that would make this relationship work for both of you to be happy/satisfied. Keep in mind that not all relationships work out, and there will always be ups and downs in every single one.

The ring on your finger is just a physical representation that you're taken. So if he's not up to marriage and your relationship has worked without this ring, then tell him that you don't have to be married as long as you're together. Because married or not, it's about the relationship.

Hope that advice helped & I hope you're feeling a lot better.
x

rjacob1214

Sometimes the only thing you can do is cry, and be confused. The only thing that helped me through times similar to these (times of grieving)... I found the only thing that was comforting, was the promise that it would pass. No matter how bad it hurts today, someday it won't hurt as bad. (I promise)

Heather_Rider

It's a little bit long, but I could really use some support. Believe it or not this is the shortened version.

I'm in the middle of breaking up with my boyfriend of three and a half years. It's got me really depressed, I don't want to workout, not eating much, sleeping a lot at inconvenient times, and not at all when I should be. My school work is suffering, and I'm afraid my health is too. It's been a long while since having a break up, my last one "serious" one was in high school, so obviously quite a bit different than now, so I'm just not quite sure how you get to the "moving on" part after losing someone you thought you might spend the rest of your life with.

A major cause for our break up is his declining mental health, he's to be tested soon for what his therapist calls "prepsychotic disorder." He's talked of suicide and has now quit his job, with no back up plan whatsoever. I tried very hard to be there for him, but as we now live an hour and half apart after living together for three years (he moved for work, I moved for school), it was very hard for me to keep up with his changing moods. He eventually ended up saying that he didn't want to be with me because he didn't want the things we had talked about before, such as marriage, kids. Said he couldn't be a husband or father and he didn't want to hold me back. His own father is in poor mental health, had three kids with three different women, and wasn't really a father to any of them.

I just keep thinking that one day he'll get better, when he gets the treatment that he needs, and maybe we can be together again then. But, I've started to realize that the day that we work things out may never come and I have to be prepared for that.. I just don't know how to let it go.

Any advice, suggestions, anything?

He loves you enough to say he doesnt want to hold you back, ant that is admiring in itself.

He is a good man.

Time honey. Thats about all i can tell you. Time will heal your pain. You may NEVER get over him, but you will move on.. in time. You need to grieve, you need to mourn, but you also need to remember that YOU are responsible for you. If you gain weight, its your fault, not his. Harsh? Maybe so, but its the truth.

SO.. just keep living. Keep tracking your diet. Keep studying, keep doing the things you normally do. One day you will wake up and realize 6 months have passed and you arent feeling like someone is stabbing you in the gut anymore. I promise.

Louisianababy93

i was in your situation kinda..im so glad i didnt marry the S.O.B!! cause it was just horrible.. anyway this is how i delt with it.

i had a two week, i hate myself,what do i do,crying,raw emotion, sad music,chick flick time period. you know what i realised on the 14th day? it that it wasnt effecting him, why does he get to just not care? and be happy? i deserve to be happy to! and dang it im going to be happy to! so i got up put my big girl panties on,took a shower,put on some makeup, did my hair, get dressed,looked in the mirror and was like damn! he didnt deserve me anyway! and that i lived without him before,i can damn sure do it now! so i now focus on my needs/wants.. and basically been doin me for the past couple months and it feels damn good and im back to the kelsey i knew! happy and bubbly,confedent! so! maybe thats what you need?

nikilis

real simple.

ROUTINE.

eat, shower, gym, school, sleep.

you need to fight going down for this and you need to let him go. hes no good for you right now and may never be.

life is about you. you need to look after yourself.

I've been where you are, I had no place to stay after moving out from my x girls place (she cheated and gave me diseases after 6 years + I was doing her fashion masters at a school that I wrote and deigned the submissions for entry) and no job. I had a job interview the next day and i was a zombie inside but I went to the interview and got it. i didnt ctually take it cause I got offered more money somewhere else, but the point is you need to get up and fight this.

not eating makes it worse. not sleeping makes it worse. not living your life by dwelling on it makes it worse.

you have to fight to get yourself back. too me a long time, and in the beginning it was only for 5 mins a day. but you will get over it.

now GO TO THE GYM. be angry. you are a woman scorned. stop feeling sorry for him. its better if you look after yourself than to that.



you are dodging a bullet on this one. trust me.

nikilis

i was in your situation kinda..im so glad i didnt marry the S.O.B!! cause it was just horrible.. anyway this is how i delt with it.

i had a two week, i hate myself,what do i do,crying,raw emotion, sad music,chick flick time period. you know what i realised on the 14th day? it that it wasnt effecting him, why does he get to just not care? and be happy? i deserve to be happy to! and dang it im going to be happy to! so i got up put my big girl panties on,took a shower,put on some makeup, did my hair, get dressed,looked in the mirror and was like damn! he didnt deserve me anyway! and that i lived without him before,i can damn sure do it now! so i now focus on my needs/wants.. and basically been doin me for the past couple months and it feels damn good and im back to the kelsey i knew! happy and bubbly,confedent! so! maybe thats what you need?

you my dear, are a keeper.

EDesq

RUN do NOT Walk away from him! With this type of history why would you jeopardize yourself and FUTURE KIDS?! Look any break-up of a long term relationship is going to be painful, allow yourself to "breathe" and start to slowly get back into LIFE. EVERYDAY is important.

jordanlell

You guys are all so great.

What makes it so hard is that things were great up until just recently. We were very happy, talked about getting married someday and having kids, had so much fun together, talked about everything and anything and we were best friends. This was very sudden, he went to see his father for the first time after nearly two decades of no contact, and the man is not well. He's mentally ill, homeless, and drug-addicted. And since seeing him my (ex)boyfriend was in an uncontrollable downward spiral.

But, all I can do is, as you've all said, take care of myself and make sure I don't go down with him. It's just hard to accept.

kirraleej

Thanks for this thread.

jordanlell

Thanks for this thread.

You're welcome.. in a similar situation?

Tyffany76

I'm a psychiatric nurse and with a mental health issue or not (not me), the feeling of a break up is still devastating. What I can tell you from what you've said about his recent behaviour and his history, is that it doesn't look like it will be an easy road for you if you stay with him. Just remember that if he is predisposed to a mental health issue and is saying/doing the things you've just said, and is going to be seen, there is an issue. I've been working in mental health for almost 11 years...on the front lines, in emergency, etc...and lots of family members come to see their relatives in hospital but that does not mean that because they have a history, they need to be seen for a "prepsychotic disorder." In no way am I trying to tell you what to do, BUT look at what your future will look like. People who have mental health issues are not the easiest to deal with on an occasional basis, imagine on a 24/7 basis? I have that "I will stick around and when he gets better, we'll be better" gene too, but honestly, that takes a VERY long time to happen, IF it does, and when you throw in mental health issues, that's a whole different story. He sounds considerate enough to let you know how he feels. Take that as a blessing. Unless you're willing & ready to stop your life whenever he becomes very ill, there's nothing you can do.

You're going through the normal stages of grief. Let it happen, but if you feel unsafe, see someone. It helps to talk it out and even just go for a walk. Join something that'll keep you busy once a week or so, and change up your goals so that you are relying on yourself, not anyone else. Don't waste all your hard work and sacrifice at school, for something that may never be what you wanted. One thing I know is that when I went to school, I started to rely on myself vs my boyfriend. I learned and got to know myself and realized he was not the one I wanted to be with anymore....after 9.5 years. It was hard, I felt bad but we are both in a better place and are friends now. I couldn't give him what he wanted and he deserved that much. Hope you take care of yourself!!!

julesboots

I think he might need a friend if you can still be that for him. In the meantime, take good care of yourself, and be open to other possibilities. If he gets help and is halped and it works for the two of you to get back together, that's just a bonus. BUT...You can't stop living while you wait to find out what happens. I don't mean to imply it's easy and you must have a broken heart, but take care of yourself or you will beno good to you, him, or anyone else.

Sorry you are going through this and hope it resolves quickly for you.

Barb

I am a mental health counselor (therapist) and I say NO to this, no offense but this is terrible advice and is not in her best interest.

Agree with the mental health professional here. I had a break-up for similar reasons at your age. He had a fast onset, and it was devastating. Zero contact was hard after 3 years, but was absolutely for the best.

enewsome2

I have one ex who is addicted to drugs, one who tried to commit suicide in front of me, and my ex husband is both very mentally and physically ill. (And I think I may have a problem with dating men who are "needing to be saved" and I realise this, and am striving not to let it happen again.)

It is very hard. Any breakup is. But it is especially hard when that person is going through a rough time.

I agree with other posters who say you need to slowly cut contact until it's gone. It can be hard, but it is for the best. My ex husband is my most recent breakup (he cheated on me with a mutual friend literally through the whole marriage, so I left), and for the first couple of weeks, I was devastated. I turned to my family and friends, talked when I needed to, and have been focusing on myself. Now, I am happier than ever. You should find some hobbies or activities to do as well. I have been hiking and camping a lot lately, and being in nature really seems to center me.

Also, I am not religious, but I often will meditate and try to send positive energy to my ex and his family. I know some people would say it was a load of crock, but it certainly helps me.

All in all, keep your head up, and realise that it will get better. ((hugs))