Anyone deal with an unsupportive partner?
shecallsmemomma
Posts: 4
My boyfriend and I live together, have been together for just about 7 years. Obviously he's the father of my daughter, too.
I feel like he has zero faith in me and honestly, I feel like he wants me to fail at all of this. When I was measuring my food earlier he was hovering over my shoulder watching and telling me it's "so interesting" when I know he was NOT truly interested in any way.
I then told him that a friend of mine was giving me a treadmill for free (which is nice because money is tight right now due to me starting college in January) and his response was "oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use."
Anddddd now he's baking chocolate chip cookies. He knows they're my favourite, and he has NEVER baked in the seven years I've known him. He put one in my face and said "here, have one" and I told him I don't want any and then he went on about how it's rude and "hurt his feelings" and so on.
I talk to him and he says he hopes I do well blah blah ... but his actions sure prove otherwise.
Is anyone else dealing with this?
I feel like he has zero faith in me and honestly, I feel like he wants me to fail at all of this. When I was measuring my food earlier he was hovering over my shoulder watching and telling me it's "so interesting" when I know he was NOT truly interested in any way.
I then told him that a friend of mine was giving me a treadmill for free (which is nice because money is tight right now due to me starting college in January) and his response was "oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use."
Anddddd now he's baking chocolate chip cookies. He knows they're my favourite, and he has NEVER baked in the seven years I've known him. He put one in my face and said "here, have one" and I told him I don't want any and then he went on about how it's rude and "hurt his feelings" and so on.
I talk to him and he says he hopes I do well blah blah ... but his actions sure prove otherwise.
Is anyone else dealing with this?
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Replies
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Yes & No. My husband supports me but it took a long time for him to understand why my weight made me so unhappy and how hard it truly is to do something about it. IDK I would suggest seriously talking to him about how you feel and how the things he does make you feel. Maybe he's really not doing it on purpose or doesn't realize it. And if he is treating you like that on purpose you deserve better. But I know that's not an easy thing to say especially if you have a kid together. You need to make him understand.0
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I dealt with this for YEARS and I always let it be my excuse to quit. This time, though, I managed to stick it out...even when he was getting mad at me, or bringing me home junk food and then complaining it would go to waste if I didn't eat it...guilt trips, you name it, he tried it!
After I was down about 50 pounds and others started noticing, it got much better. He's even gone running with me a few times, but there are still times...just today even, where he makes ugly remarks about how much "my" food costs and how my workouts are in the way of his plans.
I've realized by now that it's just his own insecurities talking and I just tune him out. Arguing just fuels him even more.0 -
I've realized by now that it's just his own insecurities talking and I just tune him out. Arguing just fuels him even more.
Good point.
My boyfriend has 0% body fat and doesn't really understand my struggle with getting in shape either. But he can tell that it is important to me, and the more I do to take care of me, the more he is interested in me. There are different ways to take interest - like Shecallsmemom was saying- cookies for the first time in 7 years? He is taking interest. Unfortunately, like sevencallmemo said- his insecurities are doing the talking in that whole tempting you to fail bit instead of supportive actions.
It helps me to tell my boyfriend how he can help me. Be flexible time wise cause I need to make time for the gym. Can you not put butter all over my bowl of popcorn?
I know it is easy to be threatened by someone who is close to you getting their act together when you are not (everyone has their own "act"to get together- it could be getting health emotionally, physically, career wise...). The most important thing is to stick with it- know that he is just lashing out cause he is scared. He will come to see that you taking care of yourself is not a threat to him... and if he doesn't that is his loss.0 -
My husband is the same way, but probably for different reasons. He "loves me the way i am" (200 LBs overweight), says i don't need to change and shouldn't be trying to lose weight, etc.... But how he really felt came out recently when he accused me of "losing weight for somebody else" other than myself. Thinks that because i know he loves me the way i am yet i continue to lose weight, that im doing it for another guy! I dont get it!!0
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Not a partner, but my mother makes it difficult to for me lose weight. She is always telling me I'm fine the way I am and don't need to lose weight and am skinny enough etc etc. Don't get me wrong i really really appreciate this and love how much she loves and cares for me. But i wish she would support that I would like to shape up a bit more and get to a place where I am more comfortable and confident. She is always buying fattening foods and making me feel bad if I don't eat them... It's constant if I talk about weight loss, her response is always "that's stupid! You don't need to!" And for dinner she'll order pizza..0
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Yes...me me me! I cant stand it!!!! He knows I need to lose weight and how badly I want this and he keeps bringing home crap! Today he brought me home reeses! I said you know im trying to lose weight and he said well I was just thinking of you gesh. I tell him I really do appreciate it but please dont bring home junk. Well he still does, I really do think he is trying to sabotage me!0
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brick, knife, baseball bat with nails in it, pillowcase full of door knobs, brass knuckles, nun-chucks, metal chair, 4 by 2, well oiled bull whip, punch, kick, body slam.
if this is a common theme in your relationship, thats really, really unhealthy. You shouldn't accept being treated that way. you need to get to the root of the problem, so you need to talk to him about how this behaviour makes you feel.
He seems to be going out of his way to hurt you thats not ok no matter what its about.
"oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use." --- that sounds really really bad. if he wasn't joking and meant it to hurt you thats WAY out of line.
you deserve better. especially if this is more than just an isolated incident.0 -
I am in the almost exact same boat. Boyfriend of 7 years, live together, unsupportive. I feel he is so not supportive and often destructive to me because he is insecure about himself. He is average weight for a guy, 5'10'' about 180lbs but he also has Crohn's Disease.
When I try to lose weight he flares up and has to eat ONLY high fatty, high calorie foods, or he drops weight and becomes sicker. So with the two of us in a house together guess whose food gets put on the back burner. Mine.
I try to explain that I want this, that I want to lose weight and be healthy but his response is always well I need to gain it. It gets tiring to make two dinners, buy two sets of groceries.
I feel ya. Someday he will get it. Or I will get it and realize he's super destructive to a lot of parts of my life.0 -
I am dealing with the same thing. I think there is a little insecurity, mixed with a dash of inability to understand and a handful of conflicting lifestyles. I am doing a modified keto diet. Heavy on protein. He is a vegan. He is also naturally thin, where as this is the thinnest I have ever been in my adult life and I am just under the overweight line. I am trying to be respectful of our differences while dancing a difficult dance. But I am stubborn and his resistance just makes me try harder.0
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My relationship was def holding me back; we are both foodies and like to try new recipes and enjoy food together. When I started showing interest in losing weight I got all of the expected "i love you the way you are" stuff that they feel like they have to say, and even some sabatoge like you mentioned. Eventually the real issue came out: he was worried if I got to a weight that upped my confidence I might think i could do better and leave. This is so CRAZY it hadn't even crossed my mind but with him above his ideal weight he was as insecure as me and I didn't know it.
Not saying this is your guy's issue, but it is something to think about.0 -
Sounds to me like your boyfriend wants you to remain the way you are because he has an inferiority complex... i was there onco too!!!0
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the real issue came out: he was worried if I got to a weight that upped my confidence I might think i could do better and leave.
this is the usual/classic reason behind this sabotage or non supportive behaviour.
but actually your partner trying to loose weight is a sign they might be having an affair or wanting to leave you and they are preparing to be single again. this is seen as one of the signs so its not completely crazy.
maybe yall just need to show them some love and say those most important words:
"I AIN'T NEVER GONNA LEAVE YOU CLEATUS"
hahah. lol.0 -
Yeah, I can completely relate. He's been living with me for 6 years - for most of that we were a couple.....now he's more of a house guest. He's been unemployed for nearly 2 years so his contribution is food and usually making dinners - deep fried chicken, quesadillas......not a lot of healthy stuff. I recently made arrangements to buy a treadmill from a friend - Winter in Ohio is not conducive to waking and I can't be away from home more than my time at work (have a teenage daughter). His asked if I was actually going to use it. Whaaaaaat????? It's frustrating to no end. The key, for me anyway, is to remember it's not about him.
To all of you going through this... (((HUG))) don't give up!0 -
but actually your partner trying to loose weight is a sign they might be having an affair or wanting to leave you and they are preparing to be single again. this is seen as one of the signs so its not completely crazy.
Sigh. If no one cheated people wouldn't perpetuate ideas like that. That is what they say though lol. For me it wasn't that I was preparing to leave him, but more "if i don't get down to the weight I was when he met me he'll leave me." funny how minds jump to the worst conclusion.0 -
My husband is really supportive of my desire to lose weight but it didn't just happen overnight. My husband had a bad habit of putting cookies in my hand and it took me a few times to finally get him to stop doing that. This was before I even got serious about losing weight. At that moment I knew I was eating way too much junk and didn't quite know what to do about it but I knew him putting food in my hand when I wasn't thinking about food wasn't helping me any.
My husband did tease me about buying equipment that I didn't use and got rid of. He did support my chance to jump on buying a treadmill for 20 bucks to put in our basement. He helped me get all set up in the basement and honestly I have only used it a few times. I go to the Y and I rather be outside but when it's cold.. I am sure I will put it to good use.
My husband has a sweet tooth and eats things in front of me but mostly it doesn't bother me. I have to use self control and can't blame him if I suddenly want ice cream cause he is having it. Although, sometimes, I do get it but I always measure and try to keep it at the serving size or close.
Your boyfriend may feel insecure at the idea of you losing weight. Hopefully, once he see's how great it makes you feel and look he will be more supporative. My husband tells me all the time how proud he is of me and tells me how cool it is that he can put his arms around me now.
Hang in there. Hopefully he will come around.0 -
Yes & No. My husband supports me but it took a long time for him to understand why my weight made me so unhappy and how hard it truly is to do something about it. IDK I would suggest seriously talking to him about how you feel and how the things he does make you feel. Maybe he's really not doing it on purpose or doesn't realize it. And if he is treating you like that on purpose you deserve better. But I know that's not an easy thing to say especially if you have a kid together. You need to make him understand.
My boyfriend of 4 years is the same way. He supports me but at the same time he doesn't understand why I want to lose weight. He says he will eat healthy with me but he will sit and eat chips and oreos and everything in front of me. It doesn't bother me so much when he eats in front of me, just makes me stronger to resist the foods he's eating. He says he doesn't even think about it when he's eating that food either. He says he loves the way I look and everything but doesn't get it that I need to feel good about myself as well. Just have an all out serious talk with him and hopefully he will get it. :-)0 -
Today my man confided in me that he is threatened by my weight loss because it makes him feel fat and lazy. He told me he is scared that as I get fitter, I won't be as interested in him anymore and will want someone healthier or more good looking (which is ridiculous!)
Maybe your man has similar insecurities but doesn't know how to express them?0 -
Yes & No. My husband supports me but it took a long time for him to understand why my weight made me so unhappy and how hard it truly is to do something about it. IDK I would suggest seriously talking to him about how you feel and how the things he does make you feel. Maybe he's really not doing it on purpose or doesn't realize it. And if he is treating you like that on purpose you deserve better. But I know that's not an easy thing to say especially if you have a kid together. You need to make him understand.
My boyfriend of 4 years is the same way. He supports me but at the same time he doesn't understand why I want to lose weight. He says he will eat healthy with me but he will sit and eat chips and oreos and everything in front of me. It doesn't bother me so much when he eats in front of me, just makes me stronger to resist the foods he's eating. He says he doesn't even think about it when he's eating that food either. He says he loves the way I look and everything but doesn't get it that I need to feel good about myself as well. Just have an all out serious talk with him and hopefully he will get it. :-)
his hands are tied a little bit. if he went the other way an said yeh you need to loose weight that would hurt you and you would have your own thread about your unsupportive boyfriend :P
there are a few questions that you ladies ask that have boys ducking for cover
do I look fat in this? - you cannot win on this.
do I need to loose weight? same deal.
what are you thinking right now? oh crap... say something... anything....
so when the subject of weight comes up we duck for cover because if we didnt say "oh but baby I love your bootie the way it is" you might get violent.
please don't hurt me.0 -
Just last night I went to a 6pm boot camp at my gym. Before I even got there, DH called to tell me he wasn't feeling good and wanted to go to bed early. I told him the class was an hour and I'd be home right after. Well, it started late, and it wasn't over until 7:30. I had told him I should be home at 7:30. After the class, I spent 5 minutes talking to another woman in the class, then headed home. I pulled up in front of our house at 7:52, and came inside to get the 3rd degree. He started off by saying "I thought you said you'd be done at 7" Talk about putting me on the defensive!
He makes brownies, buys chips, cooks in the deep fryer every Sunday,. He's in charge of getting dinner ready because he gets home at 3:30 but I don't leave work until 5:30 at the earliest so he feeds the kids before they start running for their activities. I buy healthy food, and he stops at the store every day for "easy" meals like hamburger helper and spaghetti. He keeps a bag of chocolate in the night stand by the bed and eats in bed every night.
He came to the gym with me for about a month earlier this year, but he'd rather sit at home drinking beer, so he started making every excuse in he world not to meet me there. He says he sees how much happier and less moody I am when I exercise regularly and eat healthy, but he's always trying to put obstacles in my way.
I've let his insecurities make my goals lapse and my weight yo-yo too many times to count. I'm making friends at the gym (women!!!) and hoping that this time, not only will I stick to it, but he'll find a little security in the fact that I'm just doing it to feel good for ME!0 -
Today my man confided in me that he is threatened by my weight loss because it makes him feel fat and lazy. He told me he is scared that as I get fitter, I won't be as interested in him anymore and will want someone healthier or more good looking (which is ridiculous!)
Maybe your man has similar insecurities but doesn't know how to express them?
This is fact with men who don't live a healthy lifestyle. Still its No Excuse for women not to live a healthy lifestyle. Find a friend who will support you. Feel free to send me a friend request for encouragement and support.
Herb0 -
Mine hasn't been great about it because he finds it funny. So I have taken over all food even though I get in later than him. We have remote control cooking where I tell him what to cook etc and I ensure it is all low-cal so that his interesting approach to weighing doesn't knock me off track.
If he gets naughty, like last night when we were having duck breast with the skin on, high fat so I was weighing out and he laughed... I told him it was weighed dinner or no dinner. Wiped smile off his face. He wanted wine as well so I cancelled potatoes fom dinner. Hard as it sounds, doing this properly is all about taking control of yourself and that includes your closest relationships too. There are plenty of ways to show someone you love them without it being food related. We had the dinner I wanted then the TV show and cuddles he wanted!0 -
I then told him that a friend of mine was giving me a treadmill for free (which is nice because money is tight right now due to me starting college in January) and his response was "oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use."
Is anyone else dealing with this?
Oh wow, I have soooo gone through this! The moment you mentioned the treadmill, and his comment, I'm sorry I couldn't help but laugh not because I'm making light of your situation, because WOW It's one of those things I thought only I had been dealing with and it's a relief to hear that someone else's husband makes comments like those!!! Sometimes I wonder if it's just me.
My husband is the type that can be sooo pessimistic at the time, he'll "Believe it when he sees it" And whenever I bring back something I think might help me.... he instantly dismisses it with those *exact* words.... he can't ever picture me committing myself to things, and he just waves it off as just "More junk" or "More money wasted" etc...
I used to get those passive remarks you mention too.... So many times I would try to put effort into something, and he would say things like "Well good luck with it......" in a way that let me know he thought I'd probably fail.... Or say things like "heh, lets see how long it takes for you to quit this time" Not just with dieting, but almost any self-improvement goals, or anything I wish to do "Better" on, its an instant "I've heard that one before" or "Yeah, like you can really keep this up" (in addition to the good luck wishing that is...)
I have let this bother me and have made it reason to quit many times before... I thought "If he doesn't think I can do it, well I guess I can't" or "Okay, he sees me as such a failure, fine I'll just make him happy and quit trying!"
But things have really had a turnaround with us.... and I have some things I would really like to share with you.... I don't know if they will be of any help, but they are things I've done that have helped me, along with things that I had come to learn...
~~~ First of all..... please please please!!! I know when you're living with someone you love so much and important to you, their thoughts and opinions of you, and the things you do mean so so much to you, and it often feels like it's their opinion that matters.... But in this case please, even though it's hard, surround yourself by those that encourage you and make you feel good!!!! If this is an area he's not supportive with, then you can't allow yourself to be pushed by his words, if they don't push you in a good direction, then don't let them push you at all... Find outside support first and foremost, listen to other friends who make you feel good.... No matter how much you love him, if it's discouraging and bringing you down, for your own sake you need to turn off your ears and distance yourself from his disparaging remarks...
~~~ There are a few possibilities to how he may be feeling and what may be going on in his head... For all the complaints guys have about women playing "games" and never saying what they "really mean" guys do it too.... Guys can be insecure, imperfect, and they can do things in roundabout ways just as much as women do... There might be a chance it is as simple as the fact he doesn't believe in you, or think you can do it, and he means just what he says, that is possible... but it's *also* possible, that he could be feeling insecure..... He may feel insecure seeing you put forth all this effort, and maybe it bugs him somehow because he knows he isn't doing anything.... He might feel insecure because maybe you're doing this off on your own and he hates being left out.... There's a chance he really does worry about whether or not you'll achieve your goal, but maybe he just doesn't know how to be supportive..
My husband likes to label himself an "Optimistic pessimist" He likes to expect the worst, plan on everything failing, so he'll never be disappointed.... though it makes so little sense to be this way when it comes to a loved one, it could even very well be that he's trying to save you from getting your hopes up, and figures if you make it, it'll make you happier in the end if you didn't think you can do it, or if you don't make it, you won't be so upset.... Or then again knowing how weird and roundabout even guys can be.... he could mean it as a "Challenge" not as a discouragement... maybe taunt you a bit, and make you want to somehow prove you can do it, that might be his way...
Basically... Anything is possible, don't try to over analyze it, or worry too too much about , and don't automatically assume that he just doesn't care for you or wants to support you... guys can be weird and complex sometimes =x
~~~ There are a few things you can try doing, and maybe even rule out some of those possibilities at the same time... You can gauge his responses to see what he's feeling, or what helps the situation.... Try slowly to involve him... If he's feeling insecure, well guys sometimes need to have their egos fed a bit... Ask him what he thinks, ask him for ideas and suggestions , *slowly* you're still gauging reactions... if he seems interested, and suddenly starts spouting off his ideas, it may have just been that, if he totally seems uninterested or doesn't want to be involved, well I guess it rules out some of the insecurity options
~~~ If it is indeed as simple as him not believing you'll stick to this, or wanting to dismiss it as a "phase" of some sort... Well, I don't know how your conversations go.... for me I found I used to talk a lot about my worries and stresses and how I couldn't do stuff, I'd mention my failures mostly , sometimes what I *planned* on doing, but I never really mentioned my successes...
You can try placing a greater emphasis on your successes or hold off until you can start showing some numbers... If you can keep at it, without letting him get to you too much, wait until the results start coming in, and make them well known... bear with his remarks a short while, until you can say things like "Wow! This treadmill is great! I've been using it x amount of times this week!" "It's been a month since I got this treadmill, it's really paying off!" lol, if you have to make a show of it go ahead and do so =p LOL plan a work out shortly before he comes home from work, so he can walk in the door and see you going at it! boast about your calories burned, sound energetic!
But give it some time first =x enthusiasm that lasts a week or a month, results that come that long will speak louder than what is shared over the first 3 days... Before all my husband heard was the negative... Once he started seeing things in action, seeing my ongoing enthusiasm, he began to take notice...
~~~ You can try carrying on a playful attitude or challenging him back.... If he says you can't do it... you can try something like "Oh yeah?! We'll see about that!" ^_~ or "Wanna bet?!" You can try just being sincere and honest, yet optimistic "You know what? Either way I'm going to give it my all! I'll see just what I can do!"
Whatever the case, don't cave in, don't feed the negativity, don't let it bring you down, and if you can shrug it off, smile or be playful about it, if you can act positive in an outward way during these times, it'll affect you inwardly as well....
Sorry this is so long, I'm trying to be helpful but I tend to get carried away... Im hoping some of these suggestions can be of some use, they worked for me, but everyone is different.... So I'd just like to end this by once more saying that guys can be complex, just as women can be, we don't know what's going on in their minds, and they sometimes have funny ways of showing they care..... Focus on the other things he does that lets you know he cares about you, focus on all the positive you can, don't take his disparaging remarks too much to heart, and when it comes to this stuff, until he pulls through , lean mostly on outside support...... Hang in there, and eventually he should end up pulling through....
It took a lot of effort for us, my husband went from being a cynical skeptic that was like a cloud of gloom hanging over my efforts, and now he's my biggest support o.O; but we've been married 6 years, and it certainly wasn't always this way! things only recently had a turn around... It's not that he's drastically changed, a lot of it has been my coming to realize and accept that we don't think the same, what is encouraging for me, isn't encouraging for him... my idea of support isn't the same as his, and it took time for me to finally figure out his intentions and way of thinking, and also be able to pick up on the times he shows his love for me, in ways I never noticed before... And being able to rely on others and not focus so much on his thoughts had helped in the process...0 -
He seems to be going out of his way to hurt you thats not ok no matter what its about.
"oh good, another piece of junk for me to throw out that you'll never use." --- that sounds really really bad. if he wasn't joking and meant it to hurt you thats WAY out of line.
you deserve better. especially if this is more than just an isolated incident.
I know nothing of the OP's relationship, but for me personally I can't stand "helpful" advice of this nature... I've gone through a rocky marriage, and it was these types of comments that really made things awful between my husband and I, and even almost caused us to divorce which I'm so glad we hadn't!!! My husband isn't sentimental , or emotional he's cynical and pessimistic at times, he doesn't sugar coat anything and says exactly what's on his mind.... For so many years I had close friends say things like o.O "he said WHAT?! That's awful! It's not fair to you! you deserve better!!! OMG you poor poor poor thing!" and I would come home, I would be unhappy and unsatisfied, I noticed so much of the negative, i saw my husband wasn't treating me the way I was told he was supposed to.... none of my friend's guys ever acted that way... and I began to doubt my own relationship, I doubted his love and caring for me, and felt like I would never be happy...
I wish instead of people telling me my marriage was destined to fail, and informing me that my husband didn't love me, I wish people would have instead told me the simple truth that men are all different, that no one is perfect, that sometimes conflicts of opinions, ideas, even harsh words and arguments are bound to happen sometimes, and that *its okay* !!! Sometimes husbands can act like jerks and wives can act pretty bratty themselves, and unless you're going at eachother on a daily basis, then there is no reason to sound the alarm bells! To some, my husband might sound insensitive, but the fact is, he has an entirely different personality, we don't share the same ideas, but he certainly loves me and had I not been so worried about comparing him to other's standards, I would have noticed sooner the way he shows it, and payed more attention to all of the things he has done...
"Oh good another piece of junk for me to throw out you'll never use" I get that line a lot =x I've learned my husband happens to be too things, a bit of a penny pincher, and he hates clutter.... It's true, I come home with gadgets I think will be helpful, **to me** they seem helpful... to him they look like clutter! Love does not mean one's ideas suddenly change for the other one's benefit! If my husband hated clutter and excess "Stuff" before we got together, there is no reason that just because he "loves me" he'll somehow completely understand my need for "things" to help me, and be enthusiastic about it! It's not a horrible remark at all! It just sound like a grouchy grumpy pessimistic statement, from someone who isn't on board with his partner... who means well and is eager to make some serious lifestyle changes
No need to sound alarm bells and start declaring the fate of a relationship, for someone whom you've never met... Or compare it to physical abuse....0 -
I know Partners can be unsupportive with things like this.
I feel lucky when it comes to this topic, as me and my partner are losing weight at the same time, so can support and motivate each other and i find this really helpful and important0
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