Zombie Apocolypse & Walmart
GorillaEsq
Posts: 2,198 Member
I was frequenting my friendly neighborhood Walmart yesterday, pursuant our urgent need for milk and diapers... (because apparently, I was appointed “Walmart-Diaper-B!tchboy” while I was sleeping, and didn't know it until it was too late).
As I'm navigating the sea of pit-stained nightgowns, cankles and Tapout t-shirts, I was hit with an epiphany... If there's ever an actual zombie apocalypse, these people are straight-up f**ked. They're basically moderately-mobile Zombie Happy Meals, with really, really bad teeth and poor credit.
There's an old adage, “I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you.” Using this logic, you could hold-off the zombies for weeks by simply pulling the battery cables on a half-dozen Walmart Hoveround shopping-carts.
These are the same individuals that will hold-up parking lot traffic for 10 minutes, so they can have a space 11 steps closer to the front door.
In short, they're Zombie Chum.
All joking aside, there is a serious motivational theme to this post... What happens to these people when there REALLY IS a global catastrophe. Take the “zombie apocalypse” part out of the equation, and boil it down to a massive natural disaster or viral outbreak.
If opening your 3rd box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes causes you to perspire and evokes a need for a nap... you're worm food when society breaks-down.
Therein, your motivation...
Don't be zombie bait for people who are in better shape, than you. Get your *kitten* to the gym.
Happy Halloween.
Keep being awesome.
As I'm navigating the sea of pit-stained nightgowns, cankles and Tapout t-shirts, I was hit with an epiphany... If there's ever an actual zombie apocalypse, these people are straight-up f**ked. They're basically moderately-mobile Zombie Happy Meals, with really, really bad teeth and poor credit.
There's an old adage, “I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you.” Using this logic, you could hold-off the zombies for weeks by simply pulling the battery cables on a half-dozen Walmart Hoveround shopping-carts.
These are the same individuals that will hold-up parking lot traffic for 10 minutes, so they can have a space 11 steps closer to the front door.
In short, they're Zombie Chum.
All joking aside, there is a serious motivational theme to this post... What happens to these people when there REALLY IS a global catastrophe. Take the “zombie apocalypse” part out of the equation, and boil it down to a massive natural disaster or viral outbreak.
If opening your 3rd box of Little Debbie Snack Cakes causes you to perspire and evokes a need for a nap... you're worm food when society breaks-down.
Therein, your motivation...
Don't be zombie bait for people who are in better shape, than you. Get your *kitten* to the gym.
Happy Halloween.
Keep being awesome.
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Replies
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LOVE IT0
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Everyone knows that the nice guy who helps the little old lady run from the zombies lives til the end of the zombie movie, outliving the jerks and the sluts. So in the end, there will be nice guy, old people who need help, and some virginal hot chick.0
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Everyone knows that the nice guy who helps the little old lady run from the zombies lives til the end of the zombie movie, outliving the jerks and the sluts. So in the end, there will be nice guy, old people who need help, and some virginal hot chick.0
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Ha! Awesome0
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Finally someone who shares a similar opinion. Bravo! :drinker:0
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<<<
Not zombie bait!!!0 -
This guy is ready...
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A piece of advice. Amazon is the best place for diapers. Free shipping at your door in 2 days, you can even subscribe and have them delivered to you how often you want ( once a month, once every other month, whatever). Its a life saver.0
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This guy is ready...0
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LIKE!0
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As I'm navigating the sea of pit-stained nightgowns, cankles and Tapout t-shirts ...
This sentence is why my monitor is now wet. Thanks for the laugh.
P.S. It was only so funny because it's so damn true. :drinker:0 -
A piece of advice. Amazon is the best place for diapers. Free shipping at your door in 2 days, you can even subscribe and have them delivered to you how often you want ( once a month, once every other month, whatever). Its a life saver.0
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There's an old adage, “I don't have to run faster than the bear, I just have to run faster than you.” Using this logic, you could hold-off the zombies for weeks by simply pulling the battery cables on a half-dozen Walmart Hoveround shopping-carts.
that's pure gold.0 -
Absolutely Love this!0
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Zombie's are basically my biggest fear so I'll use this as some extra motivation. Thanks!0
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Great post! :flowerforyou:
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:0 -
This guy is ready...
I love you! :laugh:0 -
We've already taken a vote in my house and were hanging my sister from a tree like a pinata for the zombies while the rest of us run away. She's so loud and *****y she'll attract every zombie for miles. We just have to make sure she is high enough up to not get eaten to quickly0
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The zombie bait at Walmart always crack me up. "The aisle is wide enough for 3 shopping carts yet your waddle manages to block the entire thing." I love that ours has a McDonalds at the entrance to the food section. Don't want anyone to get low on calories while throttling the electric cart. Better stop in for fries.0
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Therein, your motivation...
Don't be zombie bait for people who are in better shape, than you. Get your *kitten* to the gym.
Happy Halloween.
Keep being awesome.
Look - I went to the gym yesterday. The guy at the front desk informed me that I have to actually DO something once I'm there. You all need to be more specific.0
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