Food Baggage

hedwighigh

I've always had a bad relationship with food. I know I'm not the only one here with that problem either.
Food gave me joy, food was my friend. I learned at a young age that if people made me sad that I could go to the cafeteria snack room (my mother worked there), grab a snack cake and suddenly I'd feel better.
I have been self-medicating with junk food since elementary school. The sugar high is something that I cannot describe but many members of MFP understand.
I started trying to lose weight about 2.5 years ago at the end of June 2010. I've lost up to 70 pounds but then gained about 8 pounds back. I'm presently trying to rid myself of 13-18 more pounds. We'll see how I feel at 150 then I might try for 145.
The last two years have been a roller coaster. I started losing weight because a friend of mine told me about Atkins and was honest with me. He told me that I was overweight. Don't ask a question if you don't want the answer right? I started Atkins and eventually lost about 50 pounds.
I started dating that friend. He treated me horribly. Some days he would find me attractive then other days ... I was still attractive but other girls were so much more attractive. He'd try to break up with me and I'd promise to lose weight faster. The stress caused me to lose it slower. He even broke up with me when he saw the lose skin around my naval. This is proof of my hard work although it's not attractive and I don't like it. It's still there and doesn't change who I am as a person. I was only valuable to him by how I looked. Unfortunately (and this might be a low-blow), he was rather unattractive and honestly had more weight to lose than me. Pot calling the kettle black really.
We broke up for several different reasons, I dated another guy. He was sweet but didn't understand my baggage. My baggage of low self-esteem and random binge eating. Me and that guy broke up too. Not because of my baggage ... I think. Probably because of a mixture of both of our baggage.
Anyway, I've felt like a failure lately. I've gained weight and although I work out regularly and am always on schedule ... I just couldn't seem to get my diet back on track. I would binge on several thousand calories about 1-2 times a week at night when no one was around. The last time I did that was Friday night. I was sick of myself. I was sick of allowing food power over me. I was sick of having ex issues and allowing how a guy treated me to affect my self-esteem and thus my life and my diet. No one should have such power over me, especially a douche bag like that.
My friends love me. My family loves me. I need to get my joy from them and from within. I'm learning about my worth. I'm learning that I don't have to be prettier than other girls in order to find someone that will love me. I'm learning about what I get joy from and it's not food. Food gives a temporary high but it's temporary and leaves me feeling empty and shameful.
After learning this, my cravings have halted. The thought of chocolate doesn't make me happy or anything. I'd rather eat a sandwich right now actually. I've learned that I can have a treat and not eat everything else in the fridge too. If I have a treat though... I'm going to TASTE it now. Binges are typically just a shoveling in of any food that I can get into my system. I don't taste it... that's such a waste of food. It's a fuel but it should be TASTED.
These new thoughts make me in less of a hurry to lose weight. I just want to feel good now. I want to feel good about myself and I feel best when I work out and eat well. I feel horrible when I eat every piece of chocolate in sight.
I'm a happier person now. My cravings have decreased tremendously ... and I'm nervous about what will happen when they come back (because I'm sure they will). But for now, I'm going one day at a time. I'm a recovering binge eater. And today will be my fourth day not binging.
Yea, I've destroyed some of my success. My waist is a few inches bigger and my weight has gone up but I'm a work in progress. If that all needed to happen in order for me to reach a happier place in my mind, then so be it. I'll get those results back later. Other things are more important.