Cell phones & visitation

TraciStivers

I know when I say "ex" everyone has a story! But with the holiday's coming up I'd like some advice and to hear your stories.

My daughter is 8, very mature (for her age), very responsible kid. Last year at this time she got a cell phone. Before you get all excited this phone is only capable of calling & texting, it's prepaid, so she can't run up the bill and it is to only be used for family. No texting or calling friends. Basically when she spends the night away from home, she uses it to call me and tell me good night, etc. Her dad has the number and occassionally calls and texts her, which is fine by me.

In my home she has never, ever gotten in trouble with it. I am a pretty strict parent, but she is as responsible as a kid can be.

In her father's home, she got in trouble with it a month or so after she got it. She was at his house for a week and she called me and asked if she could come home. She was crying and upset and just homesick. He was at work. I called him at work and said "Taylor is on the other line, she is homesick and wants to know if I can pick her up?"

He did not let me pick her up. In fact thats when she got in trouble for calling me and asking to come home. He has never allowed her to bring the phone back to his house since then. If I call his phone or his wife's I might get one call back for ever 5 I place. Taylor having her own phone was nice, because I didn't call at all, Taylor would call me every night before she went to bed. In all honesty, I don't think he realized she was calling me because it was usually 11 or 12 at night when my phone would ring. But thats fine, I'd rather hear from her at midnight than not at all. The fact that she was up at midnight is a whole different discussion.

* I should add that he knew she was getting a phone before I ever bought it and he knew she had it with her at his house.*

So it's been close to a year and I'm really wanting to be able to talk to my child when she's gone for a week at a time over the holidays.

Our divorce decree states that we will have contact every 24 hours, the first year after our divorce when I went 6 days without being able to talk to my 4 year old I went to a lawyer, but it did no good. It cost me several hundreds of dollars and it's the same old same old.

Our divorce decree also states that she is allowed to take any "item that provides her with comfort" to or from either house and we are not to stop her. But no where does it state cell phones specifically.

I can understand that cell phones are tricky business. So I am wondering, does anyone have experience with anything like this?

JPod279

It must suck for kids that have parents that use them to fight with each other.

Brianna72994

This must be frustrating for you.

know_your_worth

One call back for every 5 calls you make? Why are you calling 5 times....? I get that you'd like to say good night to your daughter, but come on.

jporte

Put her phone on vibrate and put it in her overnight bag and only take it out to call you.....I would seriously be pissed if my kids couldn't get a hold of me or I couldn't get a hold of them.

maillemaker

I do not believe it is unreasonable for a child in this day and age to have a cell phone for emergencies. Any kind of emergency.

But it doesn't matter what we think.

The only way you will have this resolved is through discussion with the father or forcing the issue through an attorney.

Dad is clearly irked because his daughter is narcing on him when she is unhappy visiting him. You need to allay his fears. All kids get pissy or whiny at times. Perhaps you can tell the father that you are not going to allow your child to leave for trivial reasons while he has legitimate custody? In other words if your child calls and says she's not happy during daddy's visitation you should tell the child to suck it up and deal and that you will not be coming to get her.

Now, if there is something seriously wrong, then that is another story. But "I wanna come home" when daddy is having his court-approved visitation rights is not OK. I think you ought to tell your ex that and he will be less likely to have a problem with the phone.

Right now he has a problem with the phone because he feels like it is threatening his visitation rights. You need to make sure that he knows that it is not going to do that (and you need to mean it).

TraciStivers

One call back for every 5 calls you make? Why are you calling 5 times....? I get that you'd like to say good night to your daughter, but come on.

I never call more than once every 24 hours. I meant for every that I usually don't get a call back .

TraciStivers

Put her phone on vibrate and put it in her overnight bag and only take it out to call you.....I would seriously be pissed if my kids couldn't get a hold of me or I couldn't get a hold of them.

My daughter is afraid of her dad and would never go for that. Besides, I'd be worried about getting her in trouble myself.

Thank you for your understanding, it seems that none of the other replies have ever been divorced since they are more than happy to be snarky and pass judgement.

TraciStivers

It must suck for kids that have parents that use them to fight with each other.

Congratulations on being perfect.

togden

If it is in a legal binding document I would inform him that he either has her call me everyday at some point and speak to me OR we will simply inform the courts that the legal binding document is not being followed .....

Either he abides or he does not ..... this is really not up for discussion in my head and I as a mother will do whatever I must to get the things I want and expect for my child ..... I could care less what effect it has on my EX and his life its not about either of you its about your child ....

Im really not a person who accepts or deals with nonsense ..... Probably why my daughters father doesn't even begin to argue or fight with me over her or anything that deals with her .... :happy:

GymAnJuice

sorry to hear this, i'd hate it if i couldn't talk to my son when he's away and he's 17! so i can totally sympathise with you, it's so much tougher with younger children too. sounds like you'v been very reasonable so far, malllemaker gave some good advice, talk to your ex and explain. there's always hope, best of luck :flowerforyou:

abasmom

I clearly see why he is your EX...wow that sucks!!!! I cant imagine not being able to call my kids when I want and its pretty un-fair of him to take away her ability to call you when she feels the need to..thats his way of being tooo controlling. I would TRY to talk to him or maybe his wife would be more understanding...either way...I would find a way to get her to take the phone. She is your child too and you have a say so in what goes on....she's 8 and needs to feel secure and should be able to call you when she feels the need. Sorry, he sounds like a real d**k!!!! :grumble:

dalgal26

Well, I read all comments before replying....

My ex and I divorced when our son was 2. He is now 38! When he was at his dads, his dad was the boss. Did he and I see eye to eye on everything? NO! But I knew he loved our son and would take care of him.

I don't see a problem with the cell phone , but I think the problem is deeper. And the child is in the middle.

In reality if she can't call while at dad's, so what! She may decide she really enjoys her time there with him and his wife.
Sure, she is gonna have times when she doesn't agree with dad's decisions, but that doesn't mean she needs to go home. When she disagrees with you , does she get to call dad and ask to go there?

Parenting is hard and it seems you are a loving parent...don't stress over this issue....save it for the teen years:)

amdahwd

The one thing I would suggest you definitely not do is have your child take her phone against her dad's wishes and have her hide it from him. That leads to teaching her it is okay to lie and to be sneaky and to have disrespect for her father and you are condoning it. I went through that when my children's father would do things for them and have them keep secrets from me and in some cases outright lie to me. Now as adults, they have no respect for me because he taught them they did not have to.

dalgal26

The one thing I would suggest you definitely not do is have your child take her phone against her dad's wishes and have her hide it from him. That leads to teaching her it is okay to lie and to be sneaky and to have disrespect for her father and you are condoning it. I went through that when my children's father would do things for them and have them keep secrets from me and in some cases outright lie to me. Now as adults, they have no respect for me because he taught them they did not have to.

I agree.:flowerforyou:

animallover1989

In other words if your child calls and says she's not happy during daddy's visitation you should tell the child to suck it up and deal and that you will not be coming to get her.

Now, if there is something seriously wrong, then that is another story. But "I wanna come home" when daddy is having his court-approved visitation rights is not OK.



I have to STRONGLY disagree with this comment. As a woman from a broken home this is my view point. When I was at either one of my parents place during court ordered visitation and I wanted to leave for one reason or another be it I had a spat with one of my parents or I just wanted to spend more time with one or the other, if i was told no kiddo I think you need to stay with mom/dad that cause me to go into a depression and hide in my room being anti social for the rest of my court order visit. After they noticed my depression they followed the guidelines of the court order with the exception that if I felt i needed and extra day or two more or less that was ok. Why force a child to be in the company of someone they are uncomfortable with at that point and time. Be it parents or not. There was obviously a reason she didnt want to be there!

sarahrbraun

If it is in a legal binding document I would inform him that he either has her call me everyday at some point and speak to me OR we will simply inform the courts that the legal binding document is not being followed .....

Either he abides or he does not ..... this is really not up for discussion in my head and I as a mother will do whatever I must to get the things I want and expect for my child ..... I could care less what effect it has on my EX and his life its not about either of you its about your child ....

Im really not a person who accepts or deals with nonsense ..... Probably why my daughters father doesn't even begin to argue or fight with me over her or anything that deals with her .... :happy:

This^^^

Some guys can be total jerks when they have visitation, and it is more about sticking it to the mom than it is about what is best for the child. I've seen this happen with my friend and her ex. She has a horrible relationship with her teen daughter because of it--the daughter chose to live with dad because HE doesn't have rules and lets her get away with all kinds of stuff. This is also the man who won't give his 7 yo prescription meds during visitation ( doesn't matter what it is--antibiotics or ADHD meds).

lisaann7089

Well, I read all comments before replying....

My ex and I divorced when our son was 2. He is now 38! When he was at his dads, his dad was the boss. Did he and I see eye to eye on everything? NO! But I knew he loved our son and would take care of him.

I don't see a problem with the cell phone , but I think the problem is deeper. And the child is in the middle.

In reality if she can't call while at dad's, so what! She may decide she really enjoys her time there with him and his wife.
Sure, she is gonna have times when she doesn't agree with dad's decisions, but that doesn't mean she needs to go home. When she disagrees with you , does she get to call dad and ask to go there?

Parenting is hard and it seems you are a loving parent...don't stress over this issue....save it for the teen years:)

This! ^^^

MommaKit79

CHILDREN'S BILL OF RIGHTS!!!!!!!!!! Look it up or ask your Lawyer for a copy!!

My husband's cousins told us about this and it explains a LOT!! AND, because your divorce decree states that she is allowed to have things of comfort and that phone brings her comfort to be able to call you, she should DEFINITELY take it with her. AND, if he DOES say anything about it, point out in the divorce decree where it states that and also have a copy of the Children's BoR and point out on there where it applies! ALSO, state that it gives her the contact every 24 hrs like the decree states and he doesnt have to worry about her using their phones.

Here is a form of it but, check with your lawyer for a more current version and maybe for your state... http://www.newciv.org/ncn/cbor.html)

Does she carry a bag back and forth? Maybe she could just put the phone on silent and keep it in there.

My husband has a 7 yr old daughter with his ex and I cant WAIT for the day she has her own phone. We dont have your situation tho...we only have her every Wednesday and then every other weekend...they have a schedule for the Holidays and they get 3 weeks during the year for vacation. It SUCKS but we deal. We understand COMPLETELY how it is to get a week to 10 days without talking to your daughter.

Have a talk with your daughter, find out why she is so uncomfortable there and see if there is anything you can speak to your ex about to try and help that situation. BUT, it seems like she doesnt like being there but goes because she knows she has to.

GOOD LUCK and I pray for you! It isnt an easy situation and, unfortunately you cant control everything that happens (which makes it even harder...I feel that way and she is my STEPdaughter). The good thing is that your daughter seems to have a great relationship with you and can talk to you about things so, she can let you know if anything is wrong and then you can do what needs to be done on your end.

HurricaneElaine

Put her phone on vibrate and put it in her overnight bag and only take it out to call you.....I would seriously be pissed if my kids couldn't get a hold of me or I couldn't get a hold of them.

**My daughter is afraid of her dad and would never go for that. Besides, I'd be worried about getting her in trouble myself.

Thank you for your understanding, it seems that none of the other replies have ever been divorced since they are more than happy to be snarky and pass judgement.

I just noticed this - if your daughter is actually afraid of her dad, why does he even GET visitation? You sound like you're kinda afraid of him, too.

kgb6days

Obviously some of the people answering have never been in this situation. Why does the ex not want you to contact your daughter when she is with him? As a stepmother, I can tell you that DH's ex would call repeatedly when his daughter was with us to the point our time together was ruined. My ex was not trustworthy and did not provide good care for our daughter, so visitation did not happen for him unless he came to our house to see our daughter. I'd get involved with some sort of mediator if possible. You need to be able to contact your daughter, and she needs to have the security of contacting you

rml_16

The thing is, this isn't a cell phone issue. This is a bad father issue and there's only so much you can do about that.

I can't imagine punishing a child for calling her mother. That's insanity.

My boyfriend's daughter lives four states away, so she doesn't get to visit here more than once or twice a year. When she's here, she's free to call her mother any time she wants. She used his phone when she didn't have one of her own and now she has her own, she uses that one. Neither of us would dream of doing it differently.

laserturkey

I have been through this same sort of nonsense with my very controlling ex-husband. The laws in the state governing your divorce and parenting agreement may address some of these issues, so I strongly suggest you read up on the specifics in your case.

In my case, I went five days without hearing back from my children while they were on visitation because my ex had confiscated the phone, so I called the local police and had them check in on them to make sure everyone was alright. Never had that particular problem again. :-)

sizzle92

OMG I feel you! My ex uses our child as a pawn all the time. He says "his time is his time" and I can speak to him when he says. Things have gotten so bad on so many levels, my husband and I just spent $600 for our attorney to write a letter threatening litigation if he doesn't stop his crap.

I'm sorry.

TraciStivers

The one thing I would suggest you definitely not do is have your child take her phone against her dad's wishes and have her hide it from him. That leads to teaching her it is okay to lie and to be sneaky and to have disrespect for her father and you are condoning it. I went through that when my children's father would do things for them and have them keep secrets from me and in some cases outright lie to me. Now as adults, they have no respect for me because he taught them they did not have to.

Agreed. It has always been my position that when it is her dad's visitation time and she wants to come home (this happened a lot when she was very young) that I am happy to come get her at any point, day or night, but she must discuss it with her dad because he loves her and wants to visit with her too. That is what I always say. I also tell her that when she doesn't want to go for her visits that she is welcome to stay home, but she must discuss it with her dad on her own. Mommy will not do it for her, she needs to talk to her dad and explain why she wants to stay home . As of yet, she has never stayed home. I have heard her on the phone numerous times trying to tell him, but he always manages to convince her. I try to stay out of those situations as best I can because I want my daughter to be responsible for and stand up for herself.

TraciStivers

The thing is, this isn't a cell phone issue. This is a bad father issue and there's only so much you can do about that.

I can't imagine punishing a child for calling her mother. That's insanity.

My boyfriend's daughter lives four states away, so she doesn't get to visit here more than once or twice a year. When she's here, she's free to call her mother any time she wants. She used his phone when she didn't have one of her own and now she has her own, she uses that one. Neither of us would dream of doing it differently.

If only everyone thought like you. All of the family photos that were taken when we were together, those still hang on the walls in my daughter's room. He is her father and whether I like it or not, he always will be. I don't know why more people don't understand that. I hear my sister in law bash her ex in front of the kids all the time and it goes right through me.

You are correct about it being a bad father issue, my attorney says "you can't polish a turd."

notenoughspeed

If he is not abiding to the agreement, and you have the cash to pony up for the lawyer, get back in the court room. Nuf said. No judgement here. I haven't been divorced (unmarried myself), and my child is no longer with me (RIP), but I wouldn't put up with it.

TraciStivers

Put her phone on vibrate and put it in her overnight bag and only take it out to call you.....I would seriously be pissed if my kids couldn't get a hold of me or I couldn't get a hold of them.

**My daughter is afraid of her dad and would never go for that. Besides, I'd be worried about getting her in trouble myself.

Thank you for your understanding, it seems that none of the other replies have ever been divorced since they are more than happy to be snarky and pass judgement.

I just noticed this - if your daughter is actually afraid of her dad, why does he even GET visitation? You sound like you're kinda afraid of him, too.

There's a reason we're divorced. He has a "type A" personality. He is furious and flies off the handle one moment and the next he's a lamb. He got physical with me on several occassions but because of his job, I would never call the police on him. He never punched me or anything, he'd push me, grab ahold of my arm, that kind of thing. And honestly I gave it right back to him.

If I thought for a second that he hurt my child this would be a whole different ball game. He does do his fair share of screaming and yelling and yes, my daughter is afraid of him. It doesn't help that she and I are super close and at his house she is pretty much on her own. She is an only child here and one of six at Dad's house.

So he gets visitation because he's never been arrested or had any brushes with the law.

MommaKit79

The thing is, this isn't a cell phone issue. This is a bad father issue and there's only so much you can do about that.

I can't imagine punishing a child for calling her mother. That's insanity.

My boyfriend's daughter lives four states away, so she doesn't get to visit here more than once or twice a year. When she's here, she's free to call her mother any time she wants. She used his phone when she didn't have one of her own and now she has her own, she uses that one. Neither of us would dream of doing it differently.

If only everyone thought like you. All of the family photos that were taken when we were together, those still hang on the walls in my daughter's room. He is her father and whether I like it or not, he always will be. I don't know why more people don't understand that. I hear my sister in law bash her ex in front of the kids all the time and it goes right through me.

You are correct about it being a bad father issue, my attorney says "you can't polish a turd."

My husband's ex has also done this...talked bad about both of us in front of their daughter. She even told her that I was the reason that they werent together (mind you this was when she was like 4) and they I took daddy away from her. She makes it like we arent or shouldnt even be in the picture. Believe it or not, i think my husband is afraid of his EX in some instances...he is afraid if he does anythign she doesnt like that she will try her hardest to take his daughter away when, in all actuality, he is a wonderful father. Yes, he yells but, not that much and doesnt really get super loud very much.

Since she talks to him, maybe she could discuss it with him like she does when she wants to come home or not come over?

Dealing with an Ex is NOT an easy thing! GOOD LUCK!!! I PRAY for you!

maillemaker

I have to STRONGLY disagree with this comment. As a woman from a broken home this is my view point. When I was at either one of my parents place during court ordered visitation and I wanted to leave for one reason or another be it I had a spat with one of my parents or I just wanted to spend more time with one or the other, if i was told no kiddo I think you need to stay with mom/dad that cause me to go into a depression and hide in my room being anti social for the rest of my court order visit. After they noticed my depression they followed the guidelines of the court order with the exception that if I felt i needed and extra day or two more or less that was ok. Why force a child to be in the company of someone they are uncomfortable with at that point and time. Be it parents or not. There was obviously a reason she didnt want to be there!

You can disagree all you want, but as a child, you don't get to modify the custody agreement approved by the court just because you don't want to go visit that particular parent that particular time.

If a child is with the court-approved parent for the court-approved visitation, then that's that. The child doesn't get to call up the other parent and cancel the other parent's visitation prematurely because they aren't having a good time.

sizzle92

If he is not abiding to the agreement, and you have the cash to pony up for the lawyer, get back in the court room. Nuf said. No judgement here. I haven't been divorced (unmarried myself), and my child is no longer with me (RIP), but I wouldn't put up with it.

I am so sorry.