Why do I feel unsafe?

mamasmaltz3

I have gained and lost weight over the years and at one of my heavy points several years ago I walked by a man who didn't seem to notice me. The thought popped in my head "Well, at least he didn't look at me." That thought completely took me by surprise and was the first time I put my weight and feelings of security together. Since then, I have become more aware of those feelings and how when I lose weight to the point where I begin to be noticed by men I feel very insecure. I am a very happily married woman and I want to look nice for my husband. I also want to be healthy and a good example for my children. I am not saying that I have guys falling all over me or hitting on me. I have started to get some second looks and that makes me feel insecure, even though I know it shouldn't. I just want to get a handle on these emotions so I don't allow them to sabotage my weight loss. Ladies, have any of you dealt with these emotions and conquered them? How did you do it?

Camille0502

I don't have those feelings - but reading your post makes me wonder whether you were a victim of sexual abuse? Could you have a repressed memory making you feel this way? I'll be interested to see how common the feeling you describe is.

Troll

Ive had guys approach me and keep persisting until i showed them my engagement ring. take the looks as a compliment, smile graciously, and keep walking.

Unless theyre creepers. then a go to hell look is in order.

Cheryl188

You've become used to being invisable behind your body. Without so much body getting in your way, you are much more vulnerable to being "seen". Even as I type this it sounds silly, but it's true. It's strange that the bigger we are, the less we are noticed even though there is so much more to be noticed. Just like everything else on this new path, you will have to get used to being seen by others in a new light...and the attention won't always be desirable.

kenazfehu

The last time I felt that way, it was because I didn't trust myself to remain true to my husband. I wanted male attention.
That's not a problem anymore.

Kirkajuice

Bump

lachesissss

I don't miss much about being heavier, but the one thing I do miss is the feeling of invisibility. I don't get many second looks, or looks in general, but occasionally they happen, and every time it mildly freaks me out. I don't want to be noticed, I want to go do as I please.

shammxo

I'm still in the mindset of, "Why would any guy be looking at me?" And even if they do, I don't notice them.

I understand what you're saying, though.

kaylad8528

My mom was in a very abusive relationship with my dad for over ten years, and she put on over 200 lbs to push him away, and now that she is away from him, she still overeats and gains weight to push strangers and friends farther away in times of stress (good stress like a new job or bad stress like family drama, any kind of stress...)

Even though she wants to escape her cumbersome body and bad health... She's more afraid of people than she is of being too big or unhealthy.

I feel, just from reading what you've written here, that your heart and soul have the building blocks for your goals. You can do it! But I feel like this is a bigger question than anyone can answer for you here. I'd honestly seek a psychologist who works with body image and can help you sort those feelings of love for your family and fear of strangers. It's in you, you just have to build the strength slowly over time. It will be okay!

MaraDiaz

I watched my sister get hit on the other day in the soap aisle of the store. Some guy asked what soap she recommended. She handled it perfectly. She told him what her husband uses!

Don't be afraid to get hit on in ordinary circumstances, just be firm and obvious about not being available.

As for stranger danger, well, it's true that serial killers prefer their victims to be short and skinny (also known as portable) but looking less attractive is still no guarantee of safety, and if you're athletic and look confident you probably make a less appealing target.

mamasmaltz3

The last time I felt that way, it was because I didn't trust myself to remain true to my husband. I wanted male attention.
That's not a problem anymore.

It is not that. I am very happy with my husband and have no desire to look for anyone else. We have been married for almost 15 years and I can honestly say our marriage is stronger and better than ever, thanks to The Lord.

gauchogirl

I don't have any answers for you, OP, but, I could have written your post. I often wonder where and why these feelings surface as I get to a certain point in becoming "less invisible." I just have to concentrate on how healthy I feel and am becoming and realize that is more important for my total well-being.

TheeGeeMarie

This is a tough one. I wish I had a great answer for you, but I don't. It took me a while to realize that avoiding unwanted attention was part of the reason for my weight gain in the first place. The first step to dealing with and conquering these emotions is recognizing that you have them and understanding their cause. I had a breakthrough one day when I realized that I had let certain events from my past hold me back long enough. Some man who was a stranger to me took a lot of things away from me and there was nothing I could have done about it. However, it was my choice to let him keep dragging me down. It was my choice to stay 30 lbs. overweight and it was my choice to be too afraid to have a ridiculously hot body I was proud of.

It can be scary, especially if you have past trauma fueling it. Even without past trauma, it's just weird to have a truck full of dudes slow down to hang out the window like monkeys staring at you while you run. Some attention is nice and I've had men approach me in ways that did not make me feel uncomfortable or unsafe, but some of the attention is gross, inappropriate or downright scary.

Other than just making the decision to own it and be brave I don't have many suggestions. I enjoy working out with my trainer because he's a nice buffer. He's actually told some guys to back off once during a work out when they were being super creepy. It's sad that I feel safer this way, but I've also started running in sweat pants more often now.

Good luck!

Lisa760

I've never learned how to take a compliment or deal assertively when I receive attention from men. It makes me uncomfortable. To avoid those situations I know put off a *****y vibe to preempt comments or men approaching me. Of course, those situations are far and few between since I've been putting on weight. And getting older. LOL

Buffy2point0

I used to have the same feelings. Afraid others would notice me. Worried that I may sabotage myself to fee invisible again. It took a few years of feeling comfortable in my own skin. I was never abused and I am also happily married for 15 years. My husband has always supported me, no matter my size. But now, it is nice that other men notice me and I don't need to hide from that. I feel proud of my accomplishment and it is nice that others think I look good too.

Enjoy it! Don't let your old insecure feelings sabotage your efforts!

Good Luck!

MaraDiaz

Also, if you simply want to be invisible in public (say at the store) there are ways to dress and body language that helps. No makeup. Baggy clothes. Closed off stance. Don't make eye contact. Hair completely up (mine is long, if I'm feeling really shy it gets bunned to prevent stares).

SueGremlin

I know exactly what you mean. I am, however, a survivor of a sexual assault when I was a teenager. I have known all this time that my weight insulated me and made me feel less like a prey animal. That was the scariest part of losing all of this weight.
It seems ok now for some reason. I wish I could tell you why. Maybe because I am aware of why it bothers me? Just a thought.

lyttlewon

I used to feel this way when I was younger. I don't drive so I spend a great deal of time walking. When I was in better shape, I used to get a lot of cat calls and offers for rides. It made me extremely uncomfortable.

Now it doesn't bother me. Since losing weight I hear it again, but only when I don't have my kids with me. I like getting a whistle out the window every now and then. I am not sure exactly what changed in my brain from the 17 year old that would get pissed at the "Hey baby" out the window to the 34 year old that smiles at it.

cmriverside

You mentioned the Lord. I wanted to make the connection between sexuality and the Church. There has traditionally been guilt and shame attached to sexuality by the Church. I think that is hard to get rid of. I question using guilt and shame for any purpose, for the record. It does, however, serve a purpose for controlling children and young people who aren't in relationships. But it still imbeds in your psyche as a negative. The fact that you are becoming more attractive to members of the opposite sex could be triggering this guilt.

The other problem with the Church is the preaching of "saying yes" to all in need. It is exceedingly difficult for women to separate the "saying yes" from "saying YES." We learn at an early age to be pleasers to all, men especially. It is a rule of most religions that women be subservient to their husband. This gets all mixed up in our heads and takes some sorting to figure out.

The key for you is to realize you have boundaries. You can be a beautiful woman, a good person, a faithful wife, and still be able and allowed to rebuff unwanted male attention.

Like the lady in the soap aisle. That was a great example.

mamasmaltz3

You've become used to being invisable behind your body. Without so much body getting in your way, you are much more vulnerable to being "seen". Even as I type this it sounds silly, but it's true. It's strange that the bigger we are, the less we are noticed even though there is so much more to be noticed. Just like everything else on this new path, you will have to get used to being seen by others in a new light...and the attention won't always be desirable.

I totally get the "being invisible" thing. I always thought if I were to have a blog I would call it "The Elephant in the Room" because I felt like that a lot, lol.

mamasmaltz3

Thank you everyone who has replied. You are all giving me great advice to ponder.

heatherloveslifting

when I lose weight to the point where I begin to be noticed by men I feel very insecure.

Yes I have often felt this way. And I still don't always know how to handle it. But it's nice to know you aren't the only one.

divacat80

I understand the unsafe part in relation to potential serial killers, thieves, and pickpocketers. I've been feeling less safe lately because I'm tinier than i have ever been since high school. But the positive part is that i am confident that nothing bad will happen to me if i act sensibly and avoid unsafe situations.

As for getting stares from men and having them think you're available it shouldn't make you feel bad, maybe a bit awkward since uou're used to being invisible. You'll come up with ideas to get rid of guys who don't get a 'no' for an answer.

I'm married as well and i only have eyes for my husband. Still, if i ever have someone approaching me for my phone number or for complimenting me i will just feel flattered and eill answer with a polite 'thanks, but NO'. I have never ever had any male person say anything positive about my looks apart from my husband so, I don't really knows what it feels like. But I don't know... Knowing you're desirable isn't necessarily a bad thing and isn't necessarily something you will have caused. Take it as a compliment and go on with your life.

As someone else said, if uou don't want to look attractive, there are ways to achieve that.

Focus on enjoying your new 'you'!