Gaining...on purpose?

thecarbmonster

I have had a serious binge eating problem for awhile now. The "need" to eat unhealthy things is so powerful that it controls all of my thoughts and actions. The desire/need/craving will have me getting out of bed in the middle of the night to go to fast food. It will have me driving miles and miles out of the way to get something that "I need to have now because it's not on my diet tomorrow".

There is a clear link between making certain foods "off-limits" that makes them bad and then causes my self-esteem, willpower, and motivation to nosedive when I succumb to the cravings.

Something I have also noticed during my current round of binge eating is that I also binge to PURPOSELY make myself weigh more. I'm not sure who I'm in a competition with, but I force myself to eat to weigh more so I can lose more of those "easy" pounds. Recently I lost 12 pounds but when I decided to take a break and then subsequently lost motivation to start back up, I gained all of it back plus 3 pounds. Part of it was the "rest/break" meaning I could anything (and without moderation apparently) but there was also this deep down desire to eat as much as I could fit in my stomach to gain more so I had more to lose when I recommit.

This is such a scary concept! I didn't realize I was purposely GAINING, I thought I was just allowing myself to eat all the bad stuff so I could be good again. This must be a side-effect of dieting for so long- I want to see big losses so I'm purposely skewing the results!

I'm not sure how I'm going to get past this. You would think after losing weight you would never want to see it again, but I keep gaining it back...and now I think I know why I keep gaining!