Fell like I'm about to go off the rails again

RosscoBoscko

Feel like am about to lose control and let everything slip again. I know I should be feeling happier as have lost a lot of weight and played rugby yesterday and people said I played the best they've ever seen me play, but just struggling to pick myself up.

Gave up drinking in May as was drinking far too heavily and quickly, but have started again in recent weeks, and if you look at my diary for last night you'll see just how much I drank, and didnt even feel that drunk. But i'm starting to lose control of my emotions again which makes things difficult in public.

Was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety in March and I have been trying to beat it before it destroys me completely, but struggling to find the will to fight anymore. My issues and weakness destroyed my relationship with the most amazing person I have ever met, and I am just glad she still wants to be my friend, though at times seeing her still hurts. I know part of my struggles again now is to do with us but don't know what else to do.

Am training loads at the moment and trying to eat right, was trying to focus all my energy into getting healthy and fit, which would hopefully help with my mind, but feel like its worthless. Had decided will get a tattoo on my back when I am where I want to be, but the problem is I don't believe will ever get there any more.

Sorry to whine on here, but needed to get my feelings out and can do it on here without affecting anyone in my vicinity.

Cr01502

Life's rough sometimes man, Just gotta do your thing though. Change what you are capable of changing and learn to accept the rest. As for the working out loads is it possible that maybe your doing too much? You do alot of rugby and other sports right? Maybe cut your exercise back a bit. Anyways, hope you feel better my friend.

RosscoBoscko

And I wish I knew how to switch off my head and my feelings, cos it would make my life a hell of a lot easier.

mcknight62

Here is another perspective - look at what you have acomplished - 34 lbs! wow! that is impressive - slow down and get into the moment (sorry for the cliche) but it works. remember to logge everything and continue writing about your feelings - its cathartic - join a yoga class - one that is more relaxing - remember each day what youve acomplished and how much better you feel now than you did. good luck to you

RosscoBoscko

Here is another perspective - look at what you have acomplished - 34 lbs! wow! that is impressive - slow down and get into the moment (sorry for the cliche) but it works. remember to logge everything and continue writing about your feelings - its cathartic - join a yoga class - one that is more relaxing - remember each day what youve acomplished and how much better you feel now than you did. good luck to you

Thats the problem, I don't feel any better, to me I still feel fat, ugly and useless. have though about yoga, but finding the time to fit it in is very difficult with work and training.

jen10st

Oh I'm so sorry you're feeling so down but don't give up on yourself. You've done really well so far. You said you've been diagnosed with depression, are you on meds? Maybe you need a visit to your doctor to check they're working properly?
I know its easier said than done but try to focus on the positives, they are there if you look I promise.

RosscoBoscko

Am on medication, but hate having to be tied to pills and hard to hide taking them on a daily basis. Feel like a failure if go back to the doctor again asking for help.

shoshi68

Stop drinking, take your meds, get back to your doctor. This is no joke. I am freaking serious. Get yourself looked at. I have been there - it will get better.

jen10st

Stop drinking, take your meds, get back to your doctor. This is no joke. I am freaking serious. Get yourself looked at. I have been there - it will get better.

^^^this^^^
there is no shame in depression and hardly anyone knows what the meds are, take them last thing before you go to bed that way you can keep them in your bedroom. please go back to your doctor, depression is not permanent and neither are the meds for it, i know this for a fact both professionally and personally. i know you don't believe that right now and it probably feels like there is no way out of the darkness but there really is i promise.

dillydally123

what those wise ladies said and also don't hide it! there is NO SHAME in being depressed. i think i'm going to go out and spray paint that across the front of my house. it effects so many people at one time or other and the most destructive thing we do is hide it - this is what creates the stigma. imagine hiding the fact that you were on cholesterol medication. not that you have to tell your personal business to the world but don't be ashamed. this is not your fault. rant over. be well my man.

phoenixgirl81

Firstly, I applaud you for speaking out and asking for help. In the "just pull yourself up by the bootstraps and get over it" society we live in, it's really hard to do. You just took the first step.

I also battle depression and anxiety on a daily basis. It sucks so badly and I get where you're coming from. But I also know that admitting you are not ok is NOT a sign of failure or weakness. If our teeth hurt, we go to the dentist, right? And if something is wrong with any other part of our body we go to the doctor, right? But when there's something wrong with our minds we suddenly think we should know how to fix it... Doesn't make sense. Our society has it wrong like that.

There is nothing to be ashamed about (the shame we've been told we need to feel is a lie - so hard to believe, I know). It can take several different meds before you find the obesity/s that work for you. Talk to your doc. While you're at it, ask for a referral to a psychologist or some other kind of talking therapy. Meds alone are not enough. I found i needed strategies and an outlet.

You know that the alcohol is not helping you. What is it doing for you that you can find healthier ways to replace it?

Also I just wanted to let you know you're not alone in feeling no different from when you first started. I struggle to feel the difference in my body even though I've lost more than 70lbs. I still feel as fat, frumpy and ungainly as I did 7 months ago, although when I look in the mirror I can see the difference. I don't feel fitter, although my phone app tells me I'm able to walk/jog faster, further and for longer. Some days I can't feel proud of anything I have done, especially not in relation to weight-loss. and last week i was absolutely convinced that i was never going to be able to succeed.. But guess what? That's called depression. An altered sense of reality. It's a *****, but that's what it is. It CAN and DOES get better with the right support.

Thinking of you.

wimeezer

You may not like the drugs but you need them.

Please stop drinking, take your meds and get to your doctor. He/she need to know you are struggling; adjusting your meds can help enormously.

Perhaps you could make a list of things to do when the urge to drink comes? Take a walk, pushups, come to MFP and talk to us.

There is no shame in depression. Often it is a chemical imbalance, that you did not cause in yourself.

I have been where you are. Completely understand the darkness, ether are times it threatens to overwhelm me. With the help of a psychiatrist for meds (including a couple of adjusting med periods) and a therapist for talk therapy. Theses two women have helped me see the triggers for my darkness and give me the tools to deal with it when it comes. It still does but not as often as before.

You can do this. Take it a day, hour at a time. You are far stronger than you realize.

I'll be praying for you. Feel free to friend me if you like.

RosscoBoscko

Thank you all for your advice and support. Feeling slightly better today, though that isn't difficult.

Will try to see doc again and look into private counselling I think. At times I am so determined to beat this and be the person I want to be, but at other times I just have no fight left.

Just have to keep going slowly I guess and try to ride my crashes.

bufger

Thank you all for your advice and support. Feeling slightly better today, though that isn't difficult.

Will try to see doc again and look into private counselling I think. At times I am so determined to beat this and be the person I want to be, but at other times I just have no fight left.

Just have to keep going slowly I guess and try to ride my crashes.

You will have hard days mate. You need to find something you love doing that you can do at any time as a 'pick me up' that isnt food. For me if im having a bad day i grab an hour to myself and either read, have a long bath or go on a less stressful xbox game (COD makes me want to kill young teenagers, no honestly!)

Find your little bit of peace and only use it when you really need it. When you have a good day just concentrate on the end goal. When you're on a bad day aim on eating maintenance which will give you a few more calories and fill your day with selfish indulgance