Motivation with an Unmotivated Spouse?

crazyellybean

How do you find the motivation to eat right, and workout when you have an Unmotivated Spouse?


My husband and I started this journey together, the first year he lost 100lbs and I lost 30lbs.. by the end of that first year, I gained back almost everything I lost due to surgery well he maintained his weight loss.

The second year (2011), I lost 50lbs, but he gained back almost 60lbs, and stopped going to the gym, stopped eating right, stopped doing anything that resembles moving at all. (unless you count moving your fingers on the Xbox controller or laptop)

2012 - I was put on medication that causes weight gain, however, I was able to maintain my weight and even lose 5lbs from Jan-June, when I came off the medication I gained 10lbs... and have slowly been fighting another 10lb gain ever since, even going to the gym!

I'm not blaming my husband for my troubles, but I have to say having a spouse that is on board with you makes a HUGE difference... someone who wants to workout instead of sit on the couch, or who will go for that run with you. I'm finding myself stuck in this rut, where I just want to go home where he is (on the couch) instead of going to the gym. I make it to the gym maybe 1-2 days a week if that now a days, and the damn scale just keeps going up (actually I've been in the same range now since July).

Weekends are horrible to, as we are on the road all weekend so we eat out, and of-course he doesn't care, so he will order a cheeseburger, and it's super hard to order something healthy when he is eating horribly himself. .So by Monday I am up 5-6lbs and have to fight all week to get it back down.

I've asked him several times about going back to the gym, or working out, or eating healthy and he just says "I'm just not into it" - as his stomach is growing bigger (and yes its noticeable) - I just want to shake him and be like "I need you to want this" - because if he is on board, it's so much easier for me to be on board.

crazyellybean

Wow, no one has advice? thats a first... lol

paxbfl

I do... but you might not like it. lol.

I am the unmotivated spouse. Or, more accurately, I WAS the unmotivated spouse.

As I slowly gained 30 pounds, my wife got up every morning at 5:45 and hit the gym before work. Early on, she asked me about going to the gym a few times and I blew her off like her husband did to you. I just didn't feel like going.

But here's the thing... as I watched her get leaner, healthier, firmer, sexier, my pride started to finally kick in. I said, "I don't want to be known as her FAT husband" and so I finally got off my butt and started hitting the gym. It took a while, but her consistency and results finally inspired me.

I think right now you just need to focus on doing this yourself. When you succeed, you will motivate him. Don't pester him - just say, "Do what you want to do." But silently use his apathy to motivate you. Think to yourself... "I'll show HIM!" and recognize that the more you do the more you'll inspire him and encourage him.

Right now, my wife and I are at the gym every day. I'm usually arriving as she's leaving - I start work later than she does so I make sure the kids get off to school and then go. On the weekend we usually work out together. We're finally at the point where we motivate and support each other, which is definitely a great place to be.

Hang in there... you have to take the lead and show him the way (not tell him the way, lol). It will be harder for you without his support until he gets on board, but that's the way it's going to be for a while. Feel free to add me as a friend - I'll try to offer you as much support as I can.

swonn

You can only work on you. Your spouse would have to want it too. My husband does not work out nor is he overly worried about his nutrition. I have gotten him to walk the dogs with me on days he is off and we increase the distance usually once a week. He also has been tolerant of the new foods I am cooking.

Concentrate on yourself and like the poster said before maybe your husband will get into it after he sees the results on you.

mnmomto4

My husband has never struggled with his weight. He is about 10 lbs overweight. The five years we have been married he has finally figured out that I have to work very very hard at losing weight. He is very supportive when it comes to giving me compliments on my weight loss but as far as working out with me or ordering something healthy the few times we eat out, that does not happen. As paxbfl said, keep working on it. When he sees you getting leaner and sexier he will want to do it. He doesn't want to be the fat husband with the sexy wife. As I am getting leaner, my husband is starting to try. He still isn't great, but he is getting better. He will offer to walk with me in the evenings and will watch the kids for a half hour so I can run on the treadmill. He also asks if he can buy some ice cream or some other unhealthy treat before he goes out and buys it. Sorry I don't have great advice but just hang in there. Dont give up and I am sure he will turn around with enough time.

kenazfehu

I have to go it alone, too. My husband could not be less interested. It used to bother me a great deal but this time around (since late August) I don't involve myself in what he does or does not want to do. I'm sure he doesn't believe that I am making a lasting change this time because I've started and abandoned so many fitness goals, so who could blame him. I certainly hope he notices me improving my fitness and appearance and decides he doesn't want to be left behind, but I'm not holding my breath (or eating a bowl of chips with him).

strawmama

I have an unmotivated spouse--but he's not nearly as overweight as I am. Since I've started my weight-loss journey--he's been making small comments like, "wish it was that easy for me" or, "I need to do like my wife does". He just needs time. I don't have time. I've been too depressed about my weight and body image for TOO LONG.

Seriously, forget about the unmotivated people in your life--be it a spouse, friend, or family member. Do this for YOU.

MandaJean83

My spouse-to-be is pretty unmotivated as well. He could stand to lose about 20 lbs easily, and the real shame of it all is that he drops weight SO EASILY when he puts effort into it (just like most men...right!? Ugh!). But I have figured out that he has to want it for himself, as I do. So I cannot let his lack of motivation derail me. I just keep my own goals in mind and let him do his thing.

darcie90

My boyfriend and I have been living together for almost 4 yrs now and dating for 5. He has always been underweight and able to eat 3500+ calories a day of awful food and not gain a lb. He does have an active job since he does construction but the rest of the day remains extremely sedentary. Couch, boxers and xbox controller. I tried to fight it, get him in the gym to lift weights, go on walks and all of that but I just became a broken record and have learned that while It is hard it doesn't matter. You and I don't NEED them to get where we want to be. I don't want to be on the couch, I want to eat food for fuel and health not completely for taste and emotional satisfaction. While it is always easier to have your significant other involved, this is your journey! You do it yourself. Somedays it is really hard to not stay cuddled on the couch and watch a movie instead of hitting the gym but you gotta do it if it is what you want. If you need motivation or anything lemme know. I got your back! You can do it...and one day your husband will realize he has a lot of work ahead of him to catch up with how crazy hot your going to look and how healthy your going to be :]

crazyellybean

I do... but you might not like it. lol.

I am the unmotivated spouse. Or, more accurately, I WAS the unmotivated spouse.

As I slowly gained 30 pounds, my wife got up every morning at 5:45 and hit the gym before work. Early on, she asked me about going to the gym a few times and I blew her off like her husband did to you. I just didn't feel like going.

But here's the thing... as I watched her get leaner, healthier, firmer, sexier, my pride started to finally kick in. I said, "I don't want to be known as her FAT husband" and so I finally got off my butt and started hitting the gym. It took a while, but her consistency and results finally inspired me.

I think right now you just need to focus on doing this yourself. When you succeed, you will motivate him. Don't pester him - just say, "Do what you want to do." But silently use his apathy to motivate you. Think to yourself... "I'll show HIM!" and recognize that the more you do the more you'll inspire him and encourage him.

Right now, my wife and I are at the gym every day. I'm usually arriving as she's leaving - I start work later than she does so I make sure the kids get off to school and then go. On the weekend we usually work out together. We're finally at the point where we motivate and support each other, which is definitely a great place to be.

Hang in there... you have to take the lead and show him the way (not tell him the way, lol). It will be harder for you without his support until he gets on board, but that's the way it's going to be for a while. Feel free to add me as a friend - I'll try to offer you as much support as I can.

haha... little do you know, your post is probably exactly what I needed to hear...

You are 100% right, I just need to do it and not worry about what he is doing, and only hope that he catches on down the line.

At the end of August I had a big birthday party bash with lots of friends there who kept commenting about my weight loss to him "Wow, Elly has lost so much weight" - so I know eventually it will kick in.

In the meantime I need to work on me.. and not worry about him.

crazyellybean

Thank You Everyone for your input.. and you guys are right, I can do this without him.. I just need to concentrate on what I want, and what I need to do to get there.

fanarad

I feel like my boyfriend couldn't be less motivated to lose weight. He's recent come to the realization that his old jeans don't fit anymore and that he is overweight, complains about it, but still won't do a thing. It just frustrates me that he won't even do something so simple as eat a piece of fruit a day, yet he still complains. I've tried telling him about this program to attempt to motivate him by showing him how easy it could be, but he won't do a thing. It also doesn't help either of us that I only started eating fast food again when we started seeing each other over a year ago, and it's always a struggle to eat healthy when we are together.

Does anyone have any tips for how to deal with this situation?

theseus82

I've had the unmotivated spouse myself. I made huge efforts at changing my diet habits and getting exercise every day. I went vegetarian and stayed that way for years (I eat fish now, but not other meat).

My spouse would eat fast food throughout the week and store high-calorie junk foods at the house. Little debbies, twinkies, chocolate donuts were constantly available.

While I lost 100 pounds through sheer determination, I yoyoed a lot because I was constantly fighting temptation in my home with her sweets. I have to say that I felt extremely unsupported in my effort to lose weight. She never decided to commit to a weightloss journey despite the fact that her hyper-obesity was a serious threat to her health. Whereas I lost 100 pounds, she gained about 100. It seemed to me like she was choosing food over our life together. I never said it to her, but we both knew that she could be dead in 5 years if she didn't do something about her weight. She never tried until she decided to get the gastric bypass.

She ended up getting a gastric bypass, and has since lost all the weight. But we're also separated now. I'm still struggling to get to my goal weight, but I'm not having to fight the temptation of junk food in my own home anymore.

I'm not against lapband, but the problem is, that with the gastric bypass, she'll never be able to absorb medicine as well if she needs it. She has two immediate members of her family who have Crohn's disease. It is extremely likely that she will one day need medications. She wanted to lose the weight as fast as possible, so she elected for the bypass instead of the lapband (though they both end up the same proportion of weightloss by 5 years out).

crazyellybean

I'm not against lapband, but the problem is, that with the gastric bypass, she'll never be able to absorb medicine as well if she needs it. She has two immediate members of her family who have Crohn's disease. It is extremely likely that she will one day need medications. She wanted to lose the weight as fast as possible, so she elected for the bypass instead of the lapband (though they both end up the same proportion of weightloss by 5 years out).

Eck, you would think she would understand the difference. Losing weight as fast as she can versus long term effects that could help her in the future! Thats a tuff situation...

Awesome work on going vegan and getting to where you need to be! Thank You for sharing your story.

jeme3

My husband is currently unmotivated to make changes for himself. He will walk with me a couple times a week, and is proud of my weight loss and understands my need to eat better, but we have had words a few times when he gets frustrated with me weighing food or asking for the recipe to input it in mfp (he does most of the family cooking).

I'm making changes for myself. My health. My body. My self.

Yes, it would be nice if we were in this together, but even though we are a couple, we are individuals and now is not the time for him.

LauraDotts

Tell him about the weight lifter that keeps hitting on you at the gym.

strawmama

Tell him about the weight lifter that keeps hitting on you at the gym.

This.

dsjohndrow

I just do it. I had a heart attack and decided to live and not die. It depends on no one but me.

JennaM222

I do... but you might not like it. lol.

I am the unmotivated spouse. Or, more accurately, I WAS the unmotivated spouse.

As I slowly gained 30 pounds, my wife got up every morning at 5:45 and hit the gym before work. Early on, she asked me about going to the gym a few times and I blew her off like her husband did to you. I just didn't feel like going.

But here's the thing... as I watched her get leaner, healthier, firmer, sexier, my pride started to finally kick in. I said, "I don't want to be known as her FAT husband" and so I finally got off my butt and started hitting the gym. It took a while, but her consistency and results finally inspired me.

I think right now you just need to focus on doing this yourself. When you succeed, you will motivate him. Don't pester him - just say, "Do what you want to do." But silently use his apathy to motivate you. Think to yourself... "I'll show HIM!" and recognize that the more you do the more you'll inspire him and encourage him.

Right now, my wife and I are at the gym every day. I'm usually arriving as she's leaving - I start work later than she does so I make sure the kids get off to school and then go. On the weekend we usually work out together. We're finally at the point where we motivate and support each other, which is definitely a great place to be.

Hang in there... you have to take the lead and show him the way (not tell him the way, lol). It will be harder for you without his support until he gets on board, but that's the way it's going to be for a while. Feel free to add me as a friend - I'll try to offer you as much support as I can.

What great advice!!

I Also agree - Keep doing it and remember WHY you want to go to the gym. You know he will still be there on the couch 45 mins later after your gym sesh!!

Stick with it and remember why it is important to YOU

primalchaos

At the end of the day, you either want it or you don't. I'm in a similar situation and the opportunities to endulge are there everyday. It does make it tougher but I can't put barriers up to the rest of the world (the office, friends, social gatherings, etc.), I have to keep myself on track. I wish I had some magic for you, but either you want it or you don't.

kenazfehu

I can't even get my husband to go for a walk with me. I've tried.

About all we do together anymore is watch Netflix or DVDs before bed.

rw4hawks

You can only work on you. Your spouse would have to want it too. My husband does not work out nor is he overly worried about his nutrition. I have gotten him to walk the dogs with me on days he is off and we increase the distance usually once a week. He also has been tolerant of the new foods I am cooking.

Concentrate on yourself and like the poster said before maybe your husband will get into it after he sees the results on you.

WELL SAID.

mgraner21

I do... but you might not like it. lol.

I am the unmotivated spouse. Or, more accurately, I WAS the unmotivated spouse.

As I slowly gained 30 pounds, my wife got up every morning at 5:45 and hit the gym before work. Early on, she asked me about going to the gym a few times and I blew her off like her husband did to you. I just didn't feel like going.

But here's the thing... as I watched her get leaner, healthier, firmer, sexier, my pride started to finally kick in. I said, "I don't want to be known as her FAT husband" and so I finally got off my butt and started hitting the gym. It took a while, but her consistency and results finally inspired me.

I think right now you just need to focus on doing this yourself. When you succeed, you will motivate him. Don't pester him - just say, "Do what you want to do." But silently use his apathy to motivate you. Think to yourself... "I'll show HIM!" and recognize that the more you do the more you'll inspire him and encourage him.

Right now, my wife and I are at the gym every day. I'm usually arriving as she's leaving - I start work later than she does so I make sure the kids get off to school and then go. On the weekend we usually work out together. We're finally at the point where we motivate and support each other, which is definitely a great place to be.

Hang in there... you have to take the lead and show him the way (not tell him the way, lol). It will be harder for you without his support until he gets on board, but that's the way it's going to be for a while. Feel free to add me as a friend - I'll try to offer you as much support as I can.

mgraner21

Great points made by all. I am experiencing the same situation here. Guess I just gotta worry about me and maybe he will tag along eventually! I just really hope he will stop smoking. I am almost completely smoke free, it's a hard nasty habit to break

sanndandi

i also have a spouse who is only just now starting to make baby steps towards a healthier lifestyle. and guess what? i think it's just as another poster commented. he saw that i was committed and I was starting to lose weight. he goes to the gym with me but not always and that's ok. he doesn't complain (much) when i make healthier dinners. he is drinking more water and less soda. I know all these little things will add up over time. I wanna push him so hard sometimes when i see him mindlessly eating in front of the computer or when he is on the couch and i'm getting ready to walk the dog. I remind myself he's making progress. Eventually I am sure he will catch on and do the right things for himself. In the meantime, i keep on keeping on.

bradwwood

There is an old joke that I think of every time this topic comes up. And it is spot on...


How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?






...

....



.......


Only 1, but the light bulb has to want to change.





We are each our own light bulbs and we cant change others. No matter how hard we try. Frankly I think a lot of marriages end up in divorce over this. You just need to accept that your husband will make changes in his life as he is ready. You nagging him, or making comments/remarks, or anything like that, is only going to damage your relationship

princeliam

This was my problem for quite a while. It's hard when your spouse doesn't get inspired the way you do, doesn't get up in the morning the way you do, doesn't care about their health the way you do.

But it's not up to them what YOU do.

If they decide to bring home horrible snacks, don't fall for it. Look at those snacks and say, "oh, you can have all of those!"

The biggest thing I learned from my spouse is that unhealthy urges are not something that someone else gives to you. The urges are inside you. When she brings home sweets, it's not her fault if I have some. It's my urge. The want to not exercise isn't because all she does is watch tv. That want is my own laziness, and I'm responsible for it.

This story does have a happy ending. Just recently, my weight loss and muscle gain had become very apparent, and I commented on how much better I feel about myself and how I feel healthier. She decided to dedicate herself to being healthier. Not because I ever pressured her- but because she wanted to feel better about herself.

The urge to do something healthy was inside her, and there was nothing I could have done to make it come earlier, any more than she could break my willpower.

Stay strong! Green Lantern out!

sammniamii

Lead by example. Mine (dos hubbs) is the same way. He wanted to loose the weight, went to the gym..... he was one of those who could eat anything (had to eat 4000 cals a day to keep weight on) then BAM - one day his thyroid went to heck. He gained 45 pounds and got... well, lazy.

He's better now, but still doesn't want to do anything to try to loose the weight he gained. He loves that I'm holding strong and loosing, but doesn't care about himself. I can't get him to the gym, he still eats crap and horribly (unless I am around or cooking) so I am hoping that once I get down closer to my goal weight and he realizes that I can....

1) bench press him
2) tackle him and he can't escape
3) run and not be exhausted
4) do the yard work and barely break a sweat

I love him, but he's a stubborn mule at times and he'll come around at his own pace. He finally managed to stop smoking real ciggys (he uses an electric one) by himself, so one day when he's tired of being tired, out of shape and left in the dust by his wifey, he'll get on the wagon.

Maybe.... yours is the same way.

Do this for you first, but start making changes around you - no junk food. Drink water. Make him buy his own junk food/soda. Start... well, working out in front of him. I'm the gamer in my unit - he watching me play my "zumba" game. There has to be something you can think of that will start him chaging, it's just a matter of time and effort till you stumble upon it.

Good luck!

chulie

I have a hubby who doesn't work out and does not watch what he eats at all...he drinks pop every night for dinner and has no interest in losing weight........I am doing this for me...so his input has no effect on my outcome....He doesn't control my mouth or my drive. He is SUPER supportive of me and stopped buying junk and supports what I eat...he constantly tells me he's proud of my loss and is encouraging when I need to spend money on new clothes hahaha.....I love him to pieces and as long as we support eachother with whatever we do....I am ok if it's not the same thing....I think that's the big difference. It doesn't matter if you spouse is into working out...as long as they SUPPORT what you do...that's what matters!

nklunk

My hubby does not workout or eat healthy. It does make it hard but it can be done. I sometimes make two different meals (sometimes 3 if my kid wont eat what we are having). He does watch our kid at night while I workout which helps but on the weekends I sometimes miss my workout cause he sleeps in and wont get up to help. Eating out is the worst for me cause he always wants to eat somewhere where it's hard to order healthy so we eat at home alot. You have to want to do it for yourself before you can do it. Find ways to push yourself!! Keep up the good work!!

dreilingda

I really don't understand guys like this. I got to about 30 pounds overweight and I couldn't stand it. When I started working hard to lose the weight, my wife told me I didn't have to worry about it because she loved me either way. I believe her but isn't it my responsibility to take care of myself so that I will still be attractive to her for our marriage? In fact I'd rather that she call me out on it. Who are these lazy *kitten* out there who don't care if their wife has to look at a fat slob everyday? If you really want to improve and are just struggling, that's one thing, but the guys who won't even try? Pathetic...