NSV: First big victory in a while :)

HaleyAlli

I have been a complete failure in my health training for 6 months. I started a Biggest Loser Fitness Challenge which I quit within a month (by the way DO NOT sign up for that if you love bread and peanuts lol). I had been doing Tae Kwon Do, which I LOVED, but then the teacher quit and another one came in that I did not respond well to, so I quit that too. I gained back not only all the weight I lost on MFP, but all the weight I lost last year PERIOD. I have a lot to prove and a lot to make up for.
At first when I realized I had failed I got really depressed and wanted to quit. I told my boyfriend I didn't even care how long I lived. I have been unselfish for most of my life, trying to take care of my mom and four siblings and not making decisions for me. Naturally, I wanted to be selfish for a while and just eat and do whatever I wanted. It was a big wake-up call when my boyfriend basically (gently) told me that he did not see us staying together long if I didn't start caring about myself and him and opening up.
It was about more than just my weight. I was closing off from him and protecting only me. I didn't want to get attached just in case something happened to us. JUST IN CASE. But we have a great relationship. He is my dearest friend and there is no reason why I would ever want to live my life without him. I'm just scarred from my past, and I was living in a bubble again.
That statement from him triggered an absolute revolution for me. Right after that night, my whole attitude started changing towards myself and other people. I have been given so many wonderful gifts, why would I ever want to close myself off from them? I have a FANTASTIC body shape under all this excess fat. I want to see it. I want to BE the girl I should have always been.
I restarted my weight loss journey the same way I started it in January 2011: watching the Biggest Loser (not season 13). BL is wonderful because it not only addresses the physical weight, but the emotional and mental "weight" as well. It was so psychologically healing for me to watch that show again. I AM important. I DO have an identity. Most importantly, I and only I CAN change my life. It may seem stupid to say that a TV show was almost better than a psychologist for me, but it was. I'm a visual person and seeing the changes in other people's lives helps me every single day.
This leads me to the big victory I had today. Like I said, I loved TKD and really missed it when I stopped going a few months ago. My boyfriend had some P90x videos at his old house that he got for me and one of them was Kenpo. He wanted me to try that one specifically because I told him I liked martial arts. Well, I gave it a go today... and--
O.
M.
G.
I haven't felt that alive in SO long! At first it was really hard and I wanted to quit. Then I said, "NO. I'm finishing this." I had to modify it a little to my current fitness level (and I didn't do the jumping jacks during the breaks... crazy people lmao) but I FINISHED that hour-long workout video. I did every single exercise and LOVE is not even a strong enough word. The martial arts reach something in me that not much else can bring out. The FIGHTER. The girl that DOESN'T quit and DOESN'T back down from a challenge. I want to be that girl 24/7.
When I realized that I had finished the video on the first try, I got choked up. I did it. I perservered. I can still do martial arts and once I've trained up a little bit, I want to try a real class again.
Today I finally realized I am not going to quit or give up this time. I have too much to fight for.

hiryze

Good For You! Glad you are back at it and doing something you enjoy.