The "BEST" Weightloss Strategy of All Time!

johloz

Don't worry -- I have, with the help of MFP discussions, compiled all the best advice to create a perfect weight loss plan.

My nutrition plan is simple. I’m going to eat nothing for three days with the exception of a smoothie made of chili powder, raw egg, and an assortment of caffeine based supplements. Then, after this has scared all the toxins out of my body, I am going to gorge myself on whatever I want for two days to get enough calories for phase 2. During this phase, I am going to inject hormones into my butt and increase my calorie intake to 500 per day. The 500 calories will mostly come from pre-packaged cookies, but who cares -- I will take a multivitamin, and that will meet all my nutritional needs. Then I will go into maintenance mode of 1200 calories a day for the rest of my life. I will eat all of these 1200 calories at breakfast, because if you eat after noon your body stores it all as fat. I will never go below 1200 calories EVER because then my body will go into starvation mode and I will die. Of course, I will only eat what cavemen ate, particularly raw antelope that I have chased down myself. Well, not only that, also anything else in the store labeled “gluten free.” If I do ever go over 1200 calories, I will eat a pound of celery because that burns off all the extra calories.

For fitness, I am going to start by buying this great DVD I saw during a late night commercial. That, supplemented with the chair that I sit in to spot reduce my belly should get me in shape in no time. I will lift weights, too, but only ones that are colored hot pink. When I go to the gym, I will hang out at level one on the elliptical for about 30 minutes, making sure to pay attention and notice all the annoying things other people do so I can comment on it on MFP later. I will only do 30 minutes because as everyone knows by now, cardio is not helpful to the body at all. This is, of course, until they create a pill that does all this for me, which I hear is being approved by the FDA now.

What’s the “best” weight loss advice you have?

jaz050465

I love that.
Want to add a few.
The calories from chips off someone else's plate don't count, nor do this from a pudding if your boyfriend ordered it. Anything eaten standing up by the fridge, also doesn't need to be tracked.

JasonDetwiler

Wow, Jillian, that sounds great. Can I buy your DVD?

stephdeeable

I pretty much agree with everything you said although I have a few more tips.

-Make sure everything you consume has once been featured on Dr. Oz/has his blessing
-Try to count bites and not calories
-Do a 4 day cleanse at least once a week
-Needing water is a myth, so I'd probably just stick to pure Mountain Dew - I heard the Dew in it blocks your body from absorbing carbs
-Throw all the spices you own in your bathtub and just let the oregano melt the fat off your body


You're welcome!

sho3girl

:laugh: if the cookie breaks the calories escape !

drink hot water will melt the fat ... in fact just stay in the bath

Skinny_minny_mo

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

:flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:

this made me laugh so hard!

MorbidMander

I pretty much agree with everything you said although I have a few more tips.

-Make sure everything you consume has once been featured on Dr. Oz/has his blessing
-Try to count bites and not calories
-Do a 4 day cleanse at least once a week
-Needing water is a myth, so I'd probably just stick to pure Mountain Dew - I heard the Dew in it blocks your body from absorbing carbs
-Throw all the spices you own in your bathtub and just let the oregano melt the fat off your body


You're welcome!

This is genius! SOOO going to give this one a shot!

Cr01502

I hear doing bicep curls upside down will really boost your metabolism. I would throw that into your routine as well.

NJL13500

Thanks for the laughs. This is great!

Amo_Angelus

If youbreak cookies before eating them...all the calories fall out and it's guilt free, also there are no calories in anything given to you as a gift (Both told to me by my mother... and she was dieting at the time too, so they must be true!)

bronnyd

:laugh: it took me until about halfway through this post to figure out what was going on. i looked like this -->:noway:

chcunningham

:laugh: hahaha

Mokey41

You have to make sure to drink at least 3 times your body weight in water to flush the toxins from your system. All those other people who don't do this are really dead.
Count every movement you make as exercise, determine the calorie burn by checking multiple websites until you find the highest number and eat all of those back.
Develop a "condition", it excuses you from actually losing weight but be sure to complain about it a lot.

AnjaZ89

oh no, I've been doing it wrong the whole time

MonkeyBars

I can survive on pineapple juice and berries that are only found on a mountain in Okinawa!

angiesteele

OH I love it! Made my day!

sho3girl

I can survive on pineapple juice and berries that are only found on a mountain in Okinawa!

But only if i get to meet Mr Myagi!

MonkeyBars

I can survive on pineapple juice and berries that are only found on a mountain in Okinawa!

But only if i get to meet Mr Myagi!

you can't, I got hungry and ate him!

stephdeeable

Develop a "condition", it excuses you from actually losing weight but be sure to complain about it a lot.

This is pretty rude. Some of us have real medical problems. For example, I have acute dorito disorder. If I don't eat at least a bag of doritos a day, my gall bladder shuts down!

Thanks for being so insensitive!

BeingKevin

That is awesome!

jennfranklin

When I first started reading this, I thought it was serious! LOL! Then I realized.. Too funny! I want to add that eating a bowl full of white pasta right before bed keeps your metabolism going through the night!