Starting over

warriorprincessdi

I posted this to my blog as well.... I am not sure how many of you know me on here... I have never REALLY made a true introduction; here is my story, and here I am... Back after yet another absence but more truthful with myself and everyone else this time around. Behold, I bare my heart:

Starting Over – AGAIN

Here I am… Starting over again.
I joined MFP in January of 2011…. Almost two years ago. I have “started over” more than a few times; the best I ever managed was my first ‘real’ try. I managed to lose nearly thirty pounds. I felt healthier, slept better. Felt sexier, even wore shorts during the summer for the first time in MANY years. I had quit smoking; I ran my first (and only) 5k… Things were really looking up. Like most good stories; this is the part where the drama kicks in.
Last December, the job I loved at a small local trucking company I felt good about working for… came to an end. The company went bankrupt and the assets were purchased by a much larger company. I was faced with a choice: Take the job being offered to me by the new company; and drive just over an hour to and from work, but at the same rate of pay (with a commute three times as long)… or be unemployed for Christmas. Obviously; I chose the option of keeping a paycheck rolling over the holidays. This meant letting my Curves membership go as my new schedule did not allow me time to attend. They were not open when I left early in the morning; and closed by the time I arrived home in the evening. I do not regret that choice; this new job I had so many trepidations about accepting; has become the best choice I could have made.
My salary has nearly doubled in the course of this year; I have more job responsibilities, I have basically been promoted from assistant to full-fledged dispatcher. I have my own trucks to keep moving; I don’t just help with someone else’s. That being said; all these changes I consider to be wonderful; also bite like a double-edged sword. I have more stress; I work longer hours… I have a work cell phone that rarely stops ringing. I am on call 24/7. I take my job seriously; sometimes too-much so I think….
Along with the big change that a new job, and a commute three times what it used to be; there were other ‘speed bumps’ on my road to success… My boyfriend suffered a head/neck injury at work that I devoted my time and energy to helping him overcome. This occurred shortly after my change in employment and I was so scared for him during his recovery. It was a difficult time.
Once he was healed and back to his normal work schedule; I was by-then accustomed to my own new work schedule… things got back on track for me. I started walking again; working out at home when I found the time, and I had started getting back into running – I signed up for the Run for the Cure again in hopes of making it my second 5k. I felt happy, I felt proud to be me once more and things were coming up rosy.
…Until August when a mutual friend asked if he could move in with us and rent our spare bedroom, he needed a place to stay. My boyfriend and I discussed the idea and decided we could handle having a roommate. Sadly; I again fell off the horse and stopped making progress. I started going home to clean up the house and cook meals for two men instead of one. I felt I had to control everything; that all the chores would fall to the way-side if I did not get home to do them every evening. Work got crazy-busy again, I even picked up a second job, bartending on Sundays in a local tavern… and I fell back into old habits. I stopped walking/running when the days got shorter… It was pitch black by the time I was home in the evening. Exercise time again turned into couch time… Run for the Cure time came and I buried my head in the sand and didn’t go. I tried to ignore the huge feeling of failure that gave me. My weight again climbed back to 190. It is still there now; it seems to like staying at that point.
I have thought about it over the last week, and decided that the best effort I ever put forth was when I was a member of Curves. Having a membership I am paying for, helps motivate me to use it. Weather; daylight hours… none of that matters if I am indoors; safe, dry and in well-lit conditions. These are the biggest factors I use to excuse myself from keeping up with my fitness goals. Last night, I put my foot down. I stopped in to Good Life and got myself a membership. I start tonight after work with a session to learn to use the machines properly; then I am all set to start going on my own.
Caring for everyone else before myself…. Allowing myself to give all my time to work… and allowing myself to make excuses to avoid doing what is right, what is good and what is healthiest for me…. These were the things I was letting hold me back. I need to learn to balance things better and to care for myself. I will still feel selfish, cutting time out of my schedule to do things for myself…. But dammit, I am going to do this. I have too, it is for My Health, My Happiness… no one can do it for me.

So here I am. My name is Diane, I weigh 190lbs today and I am ready to make a change. Please, let this be the last time I start over. I am tired of letting myself down.

VastBreak

You can so do this! You are obvisiouly strong and strong willed! Schedule the time and make it happen for you!

Add me as a friend if you want! I am working on losing about 40lbs.

hughtwalker

The busy-ness of life is a draw-bck to the best of plans.

If it helps to know, your photo - you look lovely.

I am not saying this to suggest that you stay as you are - if you feel happier losing more then go for it.
BUT so what if it isn't a plain track all the way - Christmas is coming and it isn't going to be an easy time for any of us who are here to reduce rather than post photos of our navels but never the face it seems, which I find curious)

You lose some weight - some of it finds its way home again - that is the story of my life. So what? If you regain less than you lost then you are still better off. If you regain more than you lost then you've learned something.

I find the food diary here stops me sneaking stuff under my food radar and logging in every day stops my denial gene activating after 24 hours.
(My wife says I only stuck with it because it involves a computer - but, you see, ever since we got one in 1983 and suddenly, with a 5 year old and a 3 year old and a wife, there was something in the house that did what I told it to do, I have been a computer-nerd.).

Best wishes and good luck - and if you fall off the ride, then just get back on - it's no big deal. Tell the Guilt-trip gene to get back in its cupboard.

laura_lynn66

The busy-ness of life is a draw-bck to the best of plans.

If it helps to know, your photo - you look lovely.

I am not saying this to suggest that you stay as you are - if you feel happier losing more then go for it.
BUT so what if it isn't a plain track all the way - Christmas is coming and it isn't going to be an easy time for any of us who are here to reduce rather than post photos of our navels but never the face it seems, which I find curious)

You lose some weight - some of it finds its way home again - that is the story of my life. So what? If you regain less than you lost then you are still better off. If you regain more than you lost then you've learned something.

I find the food diary here stops me sneaking stuff under my food radar and logging in every day stops my denial gene activating after 24 hours.
(My wife says I only stuck with it because it involves a computer - but, you see, ever since we got one in 1983 and suddenly, with a 5 year old and a 3 year old and a wife, there was something in the house that did what I told it to do, I have been a computer-nerd.).

Best wishes and good luck - and if you fall off the ride, then just get back on - it's no big deal. Tell the Guilt-trip gene to get back in its cupboard.

Great post and good advice for all of us, especially before the holidays when we tend to beat ourselves up for making mistakes!
Thanks!

warriorprincessdi

THanks very much. I appreciate the kind words! ...sadly; the photo is not recent. It is from early inthe summer. I have gained maybe 20 lbs since that was taken

roz_of_2_boys

I'm right here with you. Starting over....again.

Carrot1971

Its like you are speaking directly to me in your post. I am in the same boat. I lost 25 pounds - gained 14. I'm so frustrated with myself right now and ready to make another change. I'm scared of failure...I'm scared of success. And I am a control FREAK! I have to do everything at my house or it doesn't "get done" (right). I need 4 more hours in a day to do all I need to do. BUT...I'm sick of fighting the fat girl inside of me. Lets start over again and we can help each other through this!!

joannathechef

…Until August when a mutual friend asked if he could move in with us and rent our spare bedroom, he needed a place to stay. ........ I started going home to clean up the house and cook meals for two men instead of one. I felt I had to control everything; that all the chores would fall to the way-side if I did not get home to do them every evening.

I read your story with great interest and sympathy until I got to this bit???? WTF

When did it become YOUR job to coook and clean for two men? This is like going back into the dark ages, have you never told them about pulling their own weigth or moving on!

warriorprincessdi

…Until August when a mutual friend asked if he could move in with us and rent our spare bedroom, he needed a place to stay. ........ I started going home to clean up the house and cook meals for two men instead of one. I felt I had to control everything; that all the chores would fall to the way-side if I did not get home to do them every evening.

I read your story with great interest and sympathy until I got to this bit???? WTF

When did it become YOUR job to coook and clean for two men? This is like going back into the dark ages, have you never told them about pulling their own weigth or moving on!

Thanks, and I understand your reaction.... Call me crazy; but I like the house cleaned a certain way. OCD perhaps? And I cook because I know what I want to eat... and it isn't the 'quick and easy' version the guys usually resort too. I typically cook the meal; they do the dishes. It is a shared effort; I just never want to feel I am neglecting things. I work so much I am not home as often as I would like... I always feel I amnot there enough to 'pull my own weight' so I over compensate sometimes.

hughtwalker

Do you know something? - you are an inspiration.

Look here! You are 27, a whole life before you - grasp it and enjoy it and do your fitness stuff and tell "Them" to have supper ready for when you get back. Maybe get them to do the shopping too - and clean up the kitchen after themselves - NOT YOU! <glare>

Okay?


(I am almost old enough to be your grandfather so I'm taking liberties here - and I usually say rude things about the "you-don't-want-to-do-it-like-that" brigade but ... You don't want to do it like that.)