Emotional Blackmail, how do you deal with it?

Jluvs3clarks

So how do you all deal with emotional blackmail? This is my first thanksgiving without my dad. Then my step brother who (that whole side of the family) lives 400 miles away, and is also a druggie and alcoholic, sent word to me through another party that I need to go down there and take care of them!

Ok... I have been trying to process this for a week now... I am going to school to get my AA, and have my own family. I am not close to these people. The step mom never wanted me in her life. Her son, the step brother has been in and out of jail, the other half brother and sister are unable to take of themselves.

I am usually the fixer in the family... at whatever cost to myself emotionally or physically., I know that this is very unhealthy! I am working on changing my lifestyle. I am learning to say no, and do what is right for myself first, my family (kids and hubby) secondary, rest of the world last.

My problem is that today is very emotional for me! Maybe it is because I have been sick all week, no sleep dealing with sick kids, worrying about upcoming finals at school, or dealing with the first thanksgiving without my dad... Now that I am getting feeling better today all I want to do is eat! I think of my dad and this emotional blackmail crap and I think chocolate! How do you all deal? How would you get past this?

In the recent past.. since I decided to change my lifestyle... I would hit the gym for 90 minutes and let the rest of life function without me! I physically am not up for that yet...

thanks in advance... also add me if you want. I try to log in everyday.


I added this to a reply but I wanted to add it here so that it won't be inadvertently missed by readers.

I want to say thank you to everyone!!! I really appreciate all of your kind words and support! The best decision I ever made was 1. make the decision to start making healthier choices physically, and emotionally! The next choice was when I found out about MFP, that I actually signed up, and actually participating!

You know when you have a situation that you are faced with, you know what is the right thing to do, but you are weak? Knowing that you can put it out there, and within minutes you have the instant support to help you through it! This is what I love about MFP.. in the past I would have loaded the kids up and away to DQ we would go and I would give in and to the comfort foods.

I am very thankful for your support!
Take Care,
Janey

Ta2dchic20

Sweetie- Be strong and tell them that their problems can't be your problems anymore.

joannathechef

Family knows how to push buttons and get the repsonse they want. Being aware that is is what they are doing should be half the battle.

If this were me I would get a little mad....being angry with them help me to get some distance and feel less guilty.

Why can you go to the gym you did not mention illness or injury...but whatever get out of the house set your ipod for load put in the earphones and go for a nice walk.

The chocolate thing - don't have it in the house! I also used to to that denial shopping...not even really knowing that I was buying it unitl I was in the car eating 2 donuts at a go or a whole bag of m&ms. You don't say how old your kids are but if they are old enough ask them to help you...don't give in.

Ke22yB

I understand the feelings my dad passed last Thanksgiving night we were not there since we had seen him the weekend and spoke to him and had plans to go again on Sunday he is about 60 miles away and when we got the call it was really to late to get there in time. I quietly have let it be known because it is the first holiday and he did die on Thanksgiving I am pretty down and have to stay close to home and try to keep myself together and even though I appreciate the invitations I just cant this year and would be really happy to think about next year but NOT this year
You can mean as much of it as you want no one but you knows what is in your heart and if someone really pushes you just ask what kind of an *kitten* are you that doesnt understand my feelings
good luck and my best wishes for a quiet holiday Please remember though that food is not an answer to anything emotional

wimeezer

Oh hun, You have a perfect storm going.

Hold on to your priorities and tell them you aren't their fixer anymore.

The first year after a loss is hard. Hang in there - it will get better.

Be gentle with yourself, gets lots of rest and concentrate on you and yours.

Hugs and prayers for you. x

TheCandel

if you don't take care of yourself first, you can't help anyone else and if they can't cope with that then i would questions their love and care for you.

Of course anyone who loved an cared for you would understand that you need to start doing things for you first. People respect that after the "abandonment" feeling goes away. Trust me, I quit my band stop paying so much attention to my family becuase I needed to do what it takes to get myself in a right place to get healthy. Now, although no band, I incorporate my family in how it fits in to the "new" me *still adapting though*

with anything there is a right, wrong, not enough and too extreme. Do what's best for you first, then worry about others.

iluvprettyshoes

i had the same issue when my mother passed away 10 years ago. It took a long time to learn how, but I eventually had to draw some pretty firm boundaries with a few family members after I suffered a stroke. At first i was treated like an "outcast" in my family for standing up to them. But after a couple years of everyone else having to deal with the crap those certain people were bringing about I was reaccepted. It sounds like a similar issue to yours, with drugs involved, jail etc.

I just had to keep telling myself...remember, it is their choice that they are behaving in a way that is causing me to draw this line for my health & my child. They are adults and they have the choice on how to behave.

well 3 weeks ago my Dad passed away and I saw some of those family members at the funeral for the first time in years. A couple of them (my sister and her son the drug addict) are still upset and won't speak to me. But some of the others are getting together with the rest of us family for Thanksgiving for the first time in a long time.

There is a book that really helped me through this situation : Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. I'd highly recommend it.

Hang in there and remember they are adults and can and should be responsible for their own lives.

msshiraz

Ok first and foremost- sorry for the loss of you dad. Congrats on your hard work at taking care of yourself.
Email, text whatever and let them know you are not on call, and have other plans that cannot be changed. Let them know next year if they need help to contact you at least a month in advance, and you can decide at that time if you are available.

No emotional blackmail, just say no, say what you mean, and then follow up by meaning what you say- you can do this!

msshiraz

i had the same issue when my mother passed away 10 years ago. It took a long time to learn how, but I eventually had to draw some pretty firm boundaries with a few family members after I suffered a stroke. At first i was treated like an "outcast" in my family for standing up to them. But after a couple years of everyone else having to deal with the crap those certain people were bringing about I was reaccepted. It sounds like a similar issue to yours, with drugs involved, jail etc.

I just had to keep telling myself...remember, it is their choice that they are behaving in a way that is causing me to draw this line for my health & my child. They are adults and they have the choice on how to behave.

well 3 weeks ago my Dad passed away and I saw some of those family members at the funeral for the first time in years. A couple of them (my sister and her son the drug addict) are still upset and won't speak to me. But some of the others are getting together with the rest of us family for Thanksgiving for the first time in a long time.

There is a book that really helped me through this situation : Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. I'd highly recommend it.

Hang in there and remember they are adults and can and should be responsible for their own lives.

Sorry about your dad! I lost mine in 2008- way too young, to health reasons due to ihs weight

crimsoncat

When people try to emotional blackmail me, I look at how I'm feeling. Will I be able to deal with what they are asking me or will it harm me? Next, if I am capable of dealing with it, I decide is it worth it to help them. Will it change them? Will it make me happy to help? If the answer is no to both of those, I say screw it.

zyxst

This is what I would do (I am mean).

Tell them to F*** off. Any responsibility for them died when Dad died. I'd get myself back on track with eating and exercising and dealing with grief.

I feel for your loss. :flowerforyou: Have you thought about what your Dad would say about this situation? Not trying to guilt you, but sometimes you can find relief when you think about what he would do.

Jluvs3clarks

Family knows how to push buttons and get the repsonse they want. Being aware that is is what they are doing should be half the battle.

If this were me I would get a little mad....being angry with them help me to get some distance and feel less guilty.

Why can you go to the gym you did not mention illness or injury...but whatever get out of the house set your ipod for load put in the earphones and go for a nice walk.

The chocolate thing - don't have it in the house! I also used to to that denial shopping...not even really knowing that I was buying it unitl I was in the car eating 2 donuts at a go or a whole bag of m&ms. You don't say how old your kids are but if they are old enough ask them to help you...don't give in.

Thank you, I don't have choc. in the house, because I am an impulse eater, but I just crave it so much when I get upset I guess. The reason why I say I can' t get to the gym is because I have been sick since Sunday, my daughter is sick too, and when I took her to the dr, we were told we were highly contagious. Besides that I am so freakn sore! Worse than I have ever felt with the most intense work out with a personal trainer!

Jluvs3clarks

I want to say thank you to everyone!!! I really appreciate all of your kind words and support! The best decision I ever made was 1. make the decision to start making healthier choices physically, and emotionally! The next choice was when I found out about MFP, that I actually signed up, and actually participating!

You know when you have a situation that you are faced with, you know what is the right thing to do, but you are weak? Knowing that you can put it out there, and within minutes you have the instant support to help you through it! This is what I love about MFP.. in the past I would have loaded the kids up and away to DQ we would go and I would give in and to the comfort foods.

I am very thankful for your support! Take Care,
Janey

_Wits_

Sweetie- Be strong and tell them that their problems can't be your problems anymore.

THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!