Setting Boundaries with Clueless People
My friend has a dilemma. I thought I'd come ask you wonderful, wise MFP peeps for some advice.
Here's the situation.
My friend homeschools her children. She has told her mother repeatedly that Mon-Fri, 9AM to 2PM is SCHOOL time and she will NOT answer the phone.
Her mother, however, doesn't listen. She will call at noon or 10AM and if my friend doesn't answer the mother will call and call and call and call and text and call until the phone is picked up. The ringing phone disrupts the class so my friend ends up answering out of frustration and to end the disruption more then anything else. My friend is fed up but she doesn't know how to handle this without completely freaking out. She's told her mother repeatedly NOT TO CALL during these hours except for emergencies but she keeps getting called for gossip sessions and miniscule details that are not emergencies.
The mother's excuse, every time, is that 'she forgot'.
My suggestion was to turn the phone off during school hours but she can't since they use the phone for their fax machine and they require the fax for school projects, farm business and the like.
Everyone else she knows is aware of this unspoken 'rule' and nobody (outside of business or school purposes) calls her during these hours. Except her mother who keeps 'forgetting'.
My second suggestion was to answer the phone, say firmly; "I'm in class right now mother. Please call back after 2PM." and then hang up. Period. No more discussion.
But I don't know. Maybe that's just asking for trouble.
How would you respond to this particular drama?
Here's the situation.
My friend homeschools her children. She has told her mother repeatedly that Mon-Fri, 9AM to 2PM is SCHOOL time and she will NOT answer the phone.
Her mother, however, doesn't listen. She will call at noon or 10AM and if my friend doesn't answer the mother will call and call and call and call and text and call until the phone is picked up. The ringing phone disrupts the class so my friend ends up answering out of frustration and to end the disruption more then anything else. My friend is fed up but she doesn't know how to handle this without completely freaking out. She's told her mother repeatedly NOT TO CALL during these hours except for emergencies but she keeps getting called for gossip sessions and miniscule details that are not emergencies.
The mother's excuse, every time, is that 'she forgot'.
My suggestion was to turn the phone off during school hours but she can't since they use the phone for their fax machine and they require the fax for school projects, farm business and the like.
Everyone else she knows is aware of this unspoken 'rule' and nobody (outside of business or school purposes) calls her during these hours. Except her mother who keeps 'forgetting'.
My second suggestion was to answer the phone, say firmly; "I'm in class right now mother. Please call back after 2PM." and then hang up. Period. No more discussion.
But I don't know. Maybe that's just asking for trouble.
How would you respond to this particular drama?
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Replies
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"What do you want?"
....Not important.
....beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep0 -
It sounds like Mom that keeps calling is a bit selfish, and doesn't respect other people's boundaries. Not enabling her by answering and being firm would be nice, but it would probably cause more drama to be deflected into other areas. So many Dear Abbey articles have been written about mothers that walk all over their children and what to do.
I say that the solution requires a burst of independence and strength. If she won't stop calling, then the mother needs to be cut off completely until she can demonstrate that she can respect her daughter. Otherwise.. it's just going to get worse.0 -
I would remind her again that she shouldn't call during those hours and if she does ask "is this an emergency?" if the answer is no or she starts going into gossip, just hang up the phone. It may seem rude, but her mother is already being rude by now respecting a simple wish, so she should be just as rude back. (My mother in law does similar things all the time and I work with clients that have boundary issues as well)0
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Since she can't turn off the phone during school, I would just pick up and hang up. If that's too disruptive, maybe bury the phone under a bunch of towels and pillows to muffle the ringing.0
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Simple solution. Unplug the phone.
Even more simple, conclude the relationship until she figures out how to be an adult.
That's what I do to people family or not. I'm much better off for it.0 -
Hah! I'm definitely leaning towards advising to just pick up, ask if it's an emergency, remind mother firmly that it is SCHOOL hours, tell her to call back and hang up without further discussion.
The trick is not wanting to be rude but honestly she's never going to learn if her conversation is not cut short.0 -
leave the phone on, but turn the ringer off! Problem solved.0
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My solution? Put your foot up her butt! lol Not really.
I have a very forceful mother in law and I lookd her in the eye and told here under no circumstances is she to butt into our lives. Sometimes you have to hit the mule in the head with a 2X4 to get it's attention.0 -
Unplug the Phone, Leave the Fax Plugged In..
Most Faxes have an Option to turn off the Ringer, so they Pick up Silently..0 -
Hah! I'm definitely leaning towards advising to just pick up, ask if it's an emergency, remind mother firmly that it is SCHOOL hours, tell her to call back and hang up without further discussion.
The trick is not wanting to be rude but honestly she's never going to learn if her conversation is not cut short.
like I said, I work with these type of people all the time. You friend will probably feel guilty doing it, but if she isn't firm then the mother will continue to disrespect her wishes. It also may take a few times of doing it to her for it to click, but she will learn. Maybe her mother should put a note on her own phone that says "Do not call so-and-so between 9am-2pm"0 -
She needs an answering machine, with a message that goes something like this: "We are homeschoolers, and as such, are not available to come to the phone right now, so please leave a message...this means you too, Mom." Beeeeep.
:laugh:
As a writer, I work from home. I do NOT answer the door or phone when I am working, I screen calls, in case there is an emergency (or in case it's my editor or my kids' school), but most calls usually aren't all that important. I also have a note on my front door that says "I am a telecommuter working from home. Please do not disturb during normal work hours." If they ignore my note, they face my wrath. Boundaries are good but mean nothing unless/until they're enforced.0 -
You teach people how to treat you. If she keeps answering the phone and talking to her mother, then she is sending the message that it is ok for mother to call during those hours. I agree with above posters that suggested she should answer, ask if it's an emergency, and then tell her mother to call back after 2pm.0
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My suggestion was to turn the phone off during school hours but she can't since they use the phone for their fax machine and they require the fax for school projects, farm business and the like.
So you unplug the phone and leave the fax machine plugged in until 2:00 PM. Then set the fax machine up to pick up right away...mom will get tired of the screeching noise from the fax machine.0 -
Is this a cell phone or a home phone..
Our home phone can be put on a mode where it doesn't ring but still answers the calls with the answer macine.
So is it possible to get that?
Works wonders when my mom goes to take a nap.0 -
Unplug the Phone, Leave the Fax Plugged In..
Most Faxes have an Option to turn off the Ringer, so they Pick up Silently..
THIS
Let the fax answer it. Lesson learned.0 -
Phone -> silent, and that mom's probably lonely & could do with a hobby
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leave the phone on, but turn the ringer off! Problem solved.
^^^^^ exactly. Fax can still come through but calls won't bother her0 -
A couple thoughts. First, do as you suggested and answer the phone, say only that it's school time and she cannot talk, don't answer any questions or make any comments, and hang up.
Another option would be to give her mom's number a different ring tone. Something very, very quiet! Then when mom calls, she knows to ignore it.
Every time she answers the phone and responds in any way, she's encouraging her mother to keep calling. We train those around us as to how to behave towards us by our responses. If we keep allowing someone to cross boundaries, they learn it's okay to do.0 -
Man, I love MFPers.
For problems not requiring a psychiatrist, you guys are awesome.
She has decided to try answering, reminding mother it's school time and hanging up. I warned her this would probably lead to some drama at first but with repeated applications the message should get through.
Here's hoping!
PS: The option to turn off ringer, and/or only leave fax on just doesn't work for her situation. So she had to deal with this another way.0 -
My wife has the same exact problem.
The solution?
The home phone (reserved for telemarketers) has the ringer turned off.
The cell phones are the ones that everyone who knows us calls on and my wife does have a specual rung tone for her Mom.
She simply ignores it,0 -
How about if she she could either completely ignore so that the mother gets the message, or make an agreement in writing to be signed off between the two of them. This may sound quite extreme but it sounds like this person really needs to lay down the law for the benefit of her kids in addition to relieving her stress too
!!! The mother seems like someone who has no respect for boundaries whatsoever, and in my experience, I have found that people who act like this will not change, like, ever. I hope it will work out for everyone!! 0
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