Just need to vent! :(

TrailRunner61

You're divorced. I'm glad, he sounds like a total jerk and horrible father. You only have to talk to him in regards to your child right? Not you. If he brings you up, don't talk to him! Tell him you are talking to him about _______, you want to resolve the plans or whatever and end the conversation! We only get taken advantage of, if we let someone. The same applies here. Just don't let him abuse you this way. If you can't do that on your own, go for counseling. Eventually he will get over himself.
None of us are perfect, you've learned from your mistakes. Raise your son the best that you can, love him, guide him and avoid drama at all costs for him. Even if he does hear about your mistakes, he will know he is loved!
Also, if your ex is blackmailing you to get what he wants, even if it's for your child, it's probably illegal.

texasgal22

An abusive person is never fun to deal with; been there done that. Lots of people can only be satisfied with them by tearing others down and the closer they are to us the more harmful it can be. Let it go. You have turned from your former ways. Most abusive people bark louder than they bite. He holds these things over your head because he knows he can intimidate you. You are the only one that can stop him. And Jesus is the only One who can wash us white as snow. He saves...from all our past, present and future.

luppic8

Oh I am so sorry for what you are going through! Look at it this way...for him to keep trying to make you feel bad about yourself, is probably only because he knows you are a better person than him and this is the only way he has an even playing field. He sounds like a bully and a very insecure person. Don't let his harsh words deminish the good person that you are. We all make mistakes, so let's just learn from them and keep it moving! Don't let him steal your power...you're better than that! Good luck to you with your divorce and just know that this will pass and life will get much better for you once he gets on with his life! Been there, done that!

JPEdward

Been there! Still there! The relationship I have with my children they know who I am and who I stand for now. God! Have a good communication with your child and tell him we all make mistakes, but that is the past. Don't let that man see you sweat. He is a Lion feeding off your fear. You worrying and doing things to try to prevent him from being evil wont work. Just be yourself. Don't fight evil with evil. Forgive yourself for your past and focus on the new you. When people bring up your past ask them how will it help them by talking about. If it wont help them then ask them why are they bring it up lets talk about you. Flip that thing back onto their lives. Let them talk about themselves. As far as your son he is old enough to where you can use it as a teachable moment and say don't do this or that. Give him reason why it is wrong. Include his future girlfriend as far as if you date a women that do.... this is what you can expect. You can do all this and leave your name out. That way he can see how you feel about it now and that you know it is wrong. When your spouse bring it up and name you. Just talk to your son calm. Stand BOLD, Stand STRONG, and love your son unconditional. There are going to be some hard times before all this is over, but you will get through it. Only thing that is getting me through is my children know what their dad is all about. He treat the step children better then them. What ever you do, don't let this situation cause you to forget your weight goal and eating health. You will need your strength and think about how he will feel seeing you looking good and moving on with your life. Hang in there you are not alone.

Fat2Fit145

Good morning ~ I've been dealing with some custody/visitation issues with my ex for the last few weeks. Actually, it's kind of been a recurring thing for a number of years. I won't go into great detail as it is not my intention to 'bash' him. However, in the midst of all of this arguing and 'negotiating', he has clearly lost sight of the fact that this is all about our son. He is dredging up things from the ancient past (like 15 years ago - before I was even pregnant with out son!) and is just getting downright nasty and hurtful. I know that hurting me is exactly what he is trying to do - and boy, is he good at it! He takes the parts of my life that I am the most ashamed of, the parts that I regret the very most - and is using them against me - threatening to tell our son (only 13) "the whole truth" about my past (even though that has nothing to do with him or our current situation). Ouch. No one has ever been able to make me cry like that man does! Ugh! One of the reasons that we divorced in the first place was so that I wouldn't have to put up with his harsh words! Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on past mistakes?!? Good grief! How long do I need to be reminded about what a terrible horrible person he thinks I am!? Aargh. :frown:

Noone should have this amount of control on you, and i feel your pain. I really think you should consider sitting your son down and telling him about your past. Off course you have control on the amount of details u give to him.
I also think you ex is bluffing and is just doing this becasue it is hurting you soooo much. So you should sit your son down WITH your ex present and explain that there are things in your past that you are not proud and you can explain in 13 year old language. At 13 he is able to make a judgement for himself and no son wants to see his mom hurt and crying. I am also pretty sure that ur ex wont cut in and tell everything in the presence of your 13 year old son. And if he tries to intimidate you, and make you feel guilty, IGNORE HIM. The goal is to speak to your son, so that his dad does not compromise his views on you. It is best he hears it from you NOW. And you also dont want ur ex keeping this over your head for the rest of your life...... so please take my advise, talk to your son and let his dad know u're doing so as well. Your past is your PAST!.... The thing is you have changed and at 13 your son will value that of his mom.....
All the best

HypersonicFitNess

Can I tell you something? My husband would never say anything to our son about the things in my life pre-our marriage that would embarrass me; however....I actually shared them with my son. There was a very clear reason I shared them with my son...I felt that he really needed to know that 1) I was human and made mistakes and 2) I wanted the best for him and didn't want him to repeat those mistakes. It was actually a wonderful sharing. Just me and my son; I think he was in 9th grade at the time. Did it embarrass me? Yes, devastating....do I think I made an impact on his life? Yes I do.....

I don't know what your husband is holding over you, but if you share it with your son in your own words...it really takes all the "fun" out of it for him. Do you know what I'm saying? Just think about it....

Camille0502

I went through something similar when going through a divorce many years back (no kids, though). Two things helped me. First of all, after getting stressed out from a conversation with him I exercised (as opposed to drinking booze) - it really helped. After a while, when it got too much, I just stopped talking to him (second way of coping) and decided that if he had any communication with me, it would be through a lawyer or other mediator. I just did not have to take his crap - especially since I was not married to him anymore. It was quite abusive and I just refused to be abused anymore!

I know it was more expensive to use a lawyer for communication between us, but if he wanted to be an @ss, he was going to have to pay.

chnkydnknmomma

I've been divorced for close to 6 years, and we were separated for about a year and a half before the divorce became final.

My ex was controlling and abusive, and my kids who ranged in age from about 8 to 12 at the time actually told me they were happy we got divorced. They were suffering terribly from our unhappy marriage.

As other posters have said, speak to your son. You don't have to tell him all the gory details of your past, but tell him enough to take the sting out. Your ex will no longer have that to hold over your head. I did it with my kids, and I never spoke badly about their father to them. They knew what and how he was from living with him, and also from meeting with a family counselor. You can have wording in your divorce prohibiting either party from speaking badly of the other, but in reality, there is no way of enforcing it.

My ex would tell the kids horrible things about me. Some things he said had some truth to them, others were out and out lies. By speaking directly to my kids, and being honest with them, they were able to draw their own conclusions, they saw how he was behaving and how I was behaving.

To this day, my ex still tries to control me. He is remarried and he and his ex wife have pretty much completely alienated my 2 sons. My daughter still tries very hard to have a relationship with her father and step-mother, but more often than not, she comes home miserable.

Do your best not to let your ex know how much he upsets you, take the control back from him. In the end, your son will see the truth of the situation, and your ex will be lucky if the boy wants anything to do with him at all.

Best of luck to you xo

yoovie

The Internet, may not be the best place to broadcast private marriage issues.

UsedToBeHusky

Beat him to the punch. That's what my mom did. Except she was worried about my step-dad telling me about the past. The past which he wasn't even a part of. But she told him and he threatened to tell me. She resolved that by telling me first. LOL!

redheaddee

Good news: at age 13, kids start being able to see their parents for who they REALLY are. So it is highly possible his little plan will backfire in his face. The best thing for you to do it to try to keep your mouth shut about him to or around your son at all times, and believe me, he WILL figure things out on his own. My ex is a lazy slacker and a pathetic father (not abusive, thank god) but I have never spoken an unkind word with my daughter under even the same roof. We divorced when she was 7, and as far as she knew, we are still friends (we get along OK, but I digress). Now at 17 she sees who he really is, and I have not uttered a WORD. He has talked poorly about me, as has his mother (especially. calls me a *kitten*.), but she knows the truth. Have faith MFP friend. Kids are WAY smarter than we credit them for.

mygrl4meee

What a jerk I can relate. My ex told my son something about my past that I hadn't shared due to the timing just not feeling right. It was just out of being an *kitten* and he knew how to hurt me. Sorry your dealing with him. Its hard on the children.