Settling vs. Accepting

diodelcibo

You should settle for less than you deserve but on the other hand recognise what you have to offer.

Masqueraded

Most people say settling is bad, but I think accepting is the wrong choice.

See, I think of settling as the growing pains that come with being in a long term relationship. Settling that he may be somewhat messy, or settling into a relationship that is lacking passion all the time.

When I think of accepting, I think of something much bigger. Like accepting he's never going to change his messy habits, accepting things that really do bother you and could compromise your future together.

Who knows, I'm single so probably not the best source :laugh:

songbyrdsweet

Did you try talking to him about how you're feeling?

In the past I've brought up a couple things, but these feelings are fairly new and I haven't seen him since Sunday and I prefer to talk about these things in person, not over text or phone call. But yea as a rule I bring up something if it's bothering me.

songbyrdsweet

Most people say settling is bad, but I think accepting is the wrong choice.

See, I think of settling as the growing pains that come with being in a long term relationship. Settling that he may be somewhat messy, or settling into a relationship that is lacking passion all the time.

When I think of accepting, I think of something much bigger. Like accepting he's never going to change his messy habits, accepting things that really do bother you and could compromise your future together.

Who knows, I'm single so probably not the best source :laugh:

Actually I think that makes sense and I really like looking at it that way. Those definitions vibe with me a lot more. This gives me a new way of thinking about things.

willwillywilson

Are women ever actually happy? It seems like all women want is more, better, and the next best thing. Not every guy is perfect. Cope.

hbrittingham

Are women ever actually happy? It seems like all women want is more, better, and the next best thing. Not every guy is perfect. Cope.

I think that's an over generalization for sure. I think the OP is just "thinking out loud" to work out how she is feeling. I don't think she is saying she wants more, better and the next best thing.

I know that I have been with my husband for 23 years. Is he the perfect guy? No way. But I am far from the perfect woman. We accept that about each other and realize that we are the best match for each other. I honestly can't imagine having a better fit for me than my husband. But at the beginning of our relationship I questioned a lot of things between us. I had been married before and had a toddler and was 23 years old. I didn't want to waste my time investing in a relationship that was going nowhere. Fortunately, that wasn't the case with my husband and me.

megalin9

Song, that was a riddle within a riddle within a conundrum. I've been on your friend list for a minute, so I kind of know where you are coming from.

Depends on what it is that's bothering you. The person leaves the toilet seat up, or won't get a job? Totally different answers there.

With that said, I've left some relationships quickly and some after years of agony, and I'm single. So my advice is worth what you pay for it. :laugh:

LOL I know! This is the weird stuff my brain does when I have free time.

It's sort of an all-encompassing 'meh' sort of thing. I can accept not having money...I don't always have money, times are hard, internships don't pay much but they're an excellent investment. Toilet seats, dishes, housecleaning, none of that bothers me. Me being the only one who does any of the traveling...well, that's something of a necessity, so it only bothers me a teeny bit. But when I do make the trip multiple times a week, just falling asleep an hour after I get there, that bothers me. Acting like it's such a chore to give me a call in the evening or send a text message when we don't see each other during the week, that bothers me. Going on and on and on about your day without ever asking about mine, that bothers me. Only wanting sex twice a week, that straight up bums me out.

This sounds like my ex-boyfriend. It was one-sided. I was settling. I finally got wise after 3 years.

With my husband, while he isn't the most exciting person in the world, he treats me with love and respect. I have ACCEPTED the things about him that I can't change, even if they really drive me crazy (like his eating habits, how he doesn't make eye contact with people), but I'm not SETTLING because I'm with someone that doesn't make me feel like I'm in a one-sided relationship. And the truth is that nobody is perfect, no relationship is perfect, so there is going to be some things about anybody that you will have to accept. That doesn't mean you're settling.

megalin9

I also want to note -

Settling isnt a bad choice, if you accept that choice.

Will we always think prince charming is our there? Ya. Will we ever meet the "one"? who knows.

You have to decide if you are okay with "settling" and then close your mind to it after the choice has been made.

Also agree with this.

megalin9

I have a hard time discerning between these two in a relationship. What am I accepting and what am I just settling for?

I could say that I accept what truly can't be changed, and if something can be changed but I don't do anything about it, that's settling. But that's really an over-simplification. Sure, people can change, but I wouldn't try to change another person. The only effective change I can make is to myself--so maybe I could change my perspective. That brings me back to the beginning where I wonder whether changing my perspective of a non-ideal situation leads me to settling for it, because I haven't tried to change it. The long and short of it is that I'm trying to be satisfied with less than I feel I deserve, but I am trying to change my mind about how appropriate it is to feel entitled to deserve something.

So, yea. Thoughts?

When you settle, you allow room for resentment to creep in.

When you accept, you do it because you processed and came to an understanding.

Accepting, IMO, is more powerful than settling.

Perfectly stated.

willwillywilson

Are women ever actually happy? It seems like all women want is more, better, and the next best thing. Not every guy is perfect. Cope.

I think that's an over generalization for sure. I think the OP is just "thinking out loud" to work out how she is feeling. I don't think she is saying she wants more, better and the next best thing.

I know that I have been with my husband for 23 years. Is he the perfect guy? No way. But I am far from the perfect woman. We accept that about each other and realize that we are the best match for each other. I honestly can't imagine having a better fit for me than my husband. But at the beginning of our relationship I questioned a lot of things between us. I had been married before and had a toddler and was 23 years old. I didn't want to waste my time investing in a relationship that was going nowhere. Fortunately, that wasn't the case with my husband and me.

I think she did say she was struggling with the feeling she deserved more. I'm just saying, women need to lower their standards from the "millionaire/fitness model who's built but not too built/stand up comedian/ultra romantic poet/philosopher" that they're looking for. A guy shouldn't have to meet every one of you're silly check boxes ladies.

nbhobbes

For me the two are different.

Accepting is taking someone for who they are. You accept that they have flaws and kinda realize it's part of the deal.

Settling is knowing the person has flaws, not accepting them as part of the deal, but deciding that is the best your going to be albe to do so settling for it.

Of the two accepting is far better as it's a healthier mentality relathioshipwise IMHO.

sillygoosie

I know exactly what you mean. I have been struggling with this for a while now. I have had a couple of very serious relationships and had to let them go because I wasn't willing to settle when I didn't feel happy in the relationship.

For instance: I could accept my exhusband's flaws and the little things that irritated me on a daily basis. I would not settle for being married to a man who was never home and never made time for his family. I could accept that my exbf was generally a negative person, but I could not settle for someone who wanted everyone else around him to be as Debbie Downer as he was.

There is a difference. When it comes to my happiness in life, I will not settle. I also don't want to show my daughter that she has to settle. I'd rather be happy and alone than be miserable with the wrong person.

anemoneprose

Everyone settles at some point, on some things; relationships ebb and flow etc. But I think you've already outgrown this one. He sounds self-absorbed and emotionally immature. There are guys who are not like that.

If he's not non-committal (a possibility, with that communication pattern), then his needs are just really different from yours, which is bad - I think it's kind of important to be in the same space as far as that goes. Also, you should be with someone who thinks you're great (as you sound pretty great).

It's ok to be incompatible with a good person. There's someone more suited to you out there.

Is it really possible to find someone who matches my needs exactly, though? I dated a guy who seemed a lot like me once, and he absolutely adored me. But then adoration turned into obsession, and I realized that he was just insatiably needy and clingy...and I was too. I don't want someone who is just like me. I want someone with whom I can grow, not someone who dotes on me like a potted plant.

This guy is actually very patient, kind, understanding, and reasonable. By far the most emotionally mature person I've dated. He just likes more space than I do and I don't think he's used to being in a relationship. He was single for three years before we dated and lived on his own the entire time. Maybe you forget to ask someone else about their day. Maybe you're just happy to have company to talk to. Maybe we're just past the honeymoon stage and I am really bad at this adjustment (which I know is true).

Well, all those things could be true, and maybe he is a good match for you - who am I to say?

Are you familiar with attachment theory? I sort of dug into it a bit after my last relationship, to try to work things out. My feeling now is, emotional compatibility trumps almost everything.

I don't want to bore you if you know it, but the idea is that there are three main patterns of emotional behaviour/response that get wired into us from an early age, through our interactions with our families - 'anxious', 'secure', and 'avoidant' attachment styles. Those early years get ground into our limbic systems, our basic ways of experiencing the world. (Might sound fatalistic, or woo-ey, but it's grounded in good research.)

Obviously people can change in lots of ways, and with new partners, new things come out. But less-good combinations can trigger those early responses.

If you're in the 'anxious' camp, you're more likely to feel good (basically safe, cared for) with someone who's 'secure'. Someone who's 'avoidant' will probably make you miserable, because what makes them feel good is basically opposite to what makes you feel good, and they'll bring out the worst (in terms of anxiety, needy behaviour, insecurity). Yeah, an 'anxious' person with another 'anxious' person is kind of a mess; there's no one to hold the fort.

I haven't read this book, but am told it's useful.
http://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139

If you're interested in the nerdier side of it, I can vouch for this one:
http://www.amazon.com/Handbook-Attachment-Second-Research-Applications/dp/160623028X

havingitall

My husband and I lived apart when we were dating, then engaged and 2 months into our marriage.... a total of a year and 9 months. He lived near Atlanta and I lived near Toronto. There was always time and effort made (by both of us) for a quick call, text or email. I do think it is important for couples to keep up with even the small things in life.

We would travel back and forth every 6 weeks or so. If it took a day to warm up to each other, we would have missed out on a lot.

The sex going from several times a day to less is normal. The "honeymoon" phase gives way to more day to day mundane things in life and sex does slow down.

All that being said, you need to talk to him about how you are feeling. Tell him what you expect from the relationship and ask what he wants from it. Maybe he is happy with just the weekends and doesn't give the relationship a second thought during the week. If this is the case, you need to figure out if you can live with that. Obviously it is bothering you on some level. When you talk about what you both want and need from the relationship, then you can make your choice.

Phaedra2014

[Agreed 100%. I just don't know how to get there.

A good place to start is saying yes when you mean yes and no when you mean no.