PTSD - How Can I Help?

jrsey86

In the time since I've been here, I've had a lot of positive experiences with this community. So I come to you guys now with something that is weighing heavily on me.

Here's the quick & dirty of it: My boyfriend is an Army veteran with PTSD. Out of respect for him, I'm not going to say what events triggered it, as that took months for him to tell me and I don't want to betray his trust. He goes to therapy and takes medication to help with anxiety and sleep, but sometimes it's just not enough.

I listen, I don't judge, I encourage him, and I support him in any way I can. I'm looking to hear from both veterans/people with PTSD and the people who love/support them. How do you cope? What is the best way to help my boyfriend through this? Are there any lesser known resources we can explore? On sleepless nights with intense nightmares, what helps you?

Thank you guys in advance for any help, advice, or support you can offer.

Thomasm198

Sessions talking with a counsellor is what helped me when I developed PTSD.

Just from my own experience: it takes time. It's not going to disappear in just a few weeks.

Kaydoggie

As a victim of PTSD, it definately takes time. You have to remember to stop and take a deep breath when things become too much. Get councelling, take comfort in those around you.

jrsey86

Yeah, he's been dealing with it for over 2 years. I don't expect it to go away for a long while, believe me. I just want to help him through it however I can.

mwilke

It sounds like you are doing a good job helping him through. Keep listening to him without judgement. Keep being supportive. Encourage him to go to his counseling sessions. Just keep loving him. What about support groups for you? Or speaking to his counselor to get information on how you can continue to help him?

I am sorry that he is going through this, but I thank him for his service to our country.

miriamwithcats

I have PTSD and also have a masters in Rehabilitation Therapy. Eye movement therapy is really helpful, but it is hard to find practitioners that do this. Basically as the person moves their eyes left and right, they recount the experience. This engages both sides of the brain in the memory of it, helping the thinking brain overcome the feeling brain's trauma. It requires someone with training in it. EMDR is what it is referred to as- Eye Movement something something. I am not sure that there are many in the VA system trained in this. It might be worthwhile to find someone outside of the VA system if he can afford it.

I have awful nightmares at times. I wake up sobbing and shaking. It usually makes the whole next day hard for me. False cheer does not help, but just being there and being understanding without being too overwhelming. Watch your physical distance- ask if he wants hugs, back rubs, etc. He may not want any touch at this time. Or, he may want to make love. It is life reaffirming to do so and a very common reaction. Unfortunately, many people do not realize that and feel guilty for having sexual feelings after reliving a trauma.

Help him avoid the urge to drink alcohol or use drugs - they make it much worse by lowering the threshold for the nightmares.

Also, be aware that he may have emotional flashbacks and not even realize that is what is happening. I sometimes have an intense urge to get home where I feel safe- so much so that I don't travel by air but drive my car so I can escape. So if he wants to leave a situation, a party, a restaurant, a store, a relative's house, anywhere, let him go. Ask if he wants you to go with him. Later, he may, or may not, be able to identify the trigger.

miriamwithcats

Also, there is an approach that could be helpful for him called a WRAP- a Wellness Recovery Action Plan. It basically helps you plan what you need to do every day to stay well, identify triggers and have a plan to deal with them, and how to recognize when things are getting worse and more action is needed and plans for those times. It is not therapy, just a plan for how to live your life with ongoing problems. I could give you more information by email if you want. Message me if you are interested in this.

UsedToBeHusky

My daughter was diagnosed with PTSD after being abused by a day care provider. Fortunately, she was young enough that it has passed from her memory. I think the best that you can do for him is what you are already doing. Be patient and understanding and supportive.

tobeslim618

Miriam I agree with the last 2 paragraphs of what you said. Don't know about the eye movement thing. I am a sufferer of PTSD since I was 9 I am now 58 and it doesn't go away. I have the most severe type. I still suffer from nightmares at times and there is a trigger that will set me off in the worst way.

I don't know what type your boyfriend has but I know when I am in the throws of terror I DON'T WANT TO BE TOUCHED. But it is good to know that my husband is close by. As the anxiety eases though I'm not much to talk about it (I do seek therapy) and I love to just be held in silence.

I pray that things even out for him and his is not like mine and I praise you for sticking by his side for this type of fear can be so debilitating and lonely.

BarackMeLikeAHurricane

I have PTSD and my boyfriend knows something is a little off about me, but I refuse to tell him. What I like from the few people IRL that know is to be supportive if I want to talk, but I absolutely hate if someone else brings it up. It can ruin my entire day, sometimes week. If he's having a good day and seems to be dealing with it just fine, don't say anything. If he wants to talk, listen. If he doesn't want to make eye contact don't force him to. I know for me, the last thing I want is someone to touch me but for some people this is comforting. You know him a lot better than anyone else on here does so you can make that call. If he just wants to sit in silence with you and cry, sit with him. This is a tough thing to deal with and I can require a lot of patience.

jenihullett

There's a part of your brain called the amygdala that is responsible for memories connected to emotional events. It's also connected to threat perception, and if you've ever watched a scary movie, and then had to sleep under the covers for a week, had to check the closet for axe murderers or were leery of showering after watching Psycho- that anxiety is your amygdala at work. After witnessing or being in a traumatic event, your amygdala can start to perceive threats EVERYWHERE, even if you know that it's not very logical. You can't help it. If you watch a movie that really freaks you out, you get over it fairly quickly. Car crashes, war related trauma and the like take a lot longer to recover from.

A lot of people think that PTSD is something that can be taken care of easily with just meds. It can't. You literally have to retrain your brain. Psychotherapy really helps. Also, its a really bad idea to try to surprise someone with PTSD. Even if its something as simple as going out to dinner. They need to adjust to changes gradually. Try to do things to reduce anxiety whenever possible.

Duck_Puddle

Counseling helps, time helps more. I found regular, long-term massage therapy to be extremely effective in alleviating hyperarousal symptoms (which helps sleeping and overall level of functioning). It also helped me learn to stop dissociating at the drop of a hat, and is very slowly helping me learn to feel sensation and become less touch-averse. That may be more specific to what brought on my PTSD, but the massage therapy (with the right massage therapist) has been the only thing that has made a measurable change in the hyperarousal symptoms. The nightmares and flashbacks lessen over time.

PetulantOne

It sounds like you are doing a good job helping him through. Keep listening to him without judgement. Keep being supportive. Encourage him to go to his counseling sessions. Just keep loving him. What about support groups for you? Or speaking to his counselor to get information on how you can continue to help him?

I am sorry that he is going through this, but I thank him for his service to our country.

I agree completely. It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should be. Just make sure you are taking care of yourself as well. I have PTSD. I used to wake up screaming, or bawling my eyes out in the middle of the night. Most people were weirded out by it. I've been with my Husband almost 2 years, and the night terrors are gone for the most part. I attribute that to him being patient with me, listening to me, and making me feel safe.

Like I said, make sure you take care of you too. The situation can be very stressful. :flowerforyou:

FitBeto

Apparently, ecstacy:

http://www.cnn.com/2012/12/02/health/ecstasy-ptsd-2/index.html?iref=allsearch

myofibril

You can help by finding a decent CBT provider more than anything else.

bethanytowell

When my brother came back from Afghanistan last year we figured out that he had PTSD. His behavior was similar to that of someone on drugs, paranoid, doesnt sleep, doesnt eat or over eats, happy, sad, talks fast, talks slow, gets angry very quickly, doesnt ever feel at ease, cant keep a job due to anger and paranoia, these are some instances of his behavior. We are still learning how to handle his temperment and outbursts but what I will tell you is the counseling and staying active are extremely important. PTSD meets the requirements to get a service dog, this has been one of the best things possible. Animals have a way of rehabing a hurt human like nothing and no one else can. Horse riding therapy is also a great option. It wont hurt to check it out, these programs are all available through the V/A. Stay strong, I know how hard it is to handle. Prayers are with you.

AmyFett

I have it from nearly dying in a fire. I can never sleep... I take anxiety medication here and there--I don't like taking it so I try not to. It's a really hard thing to deal with but personally, I think it's harder on those we love. My husband puts up with me and my panic attacks and everything else. After the fire happened, I'd go a long time without eating, then the next week it seemed, I'd be stuffing my face with everything in sight. Just be there for him as hard as it is. It's a huge help knowing that someone loves me enough to put up with me and my issues.

brandiuntz

I had PTSD. Therapy was the main thing that helped. My therapist and I used a few different types...a combination of CBT, ACT, and DBT. EMDR didn't help me, but I know it helps some.

I learned a variety of grounding techniques that I used whenever an anxiety, panic, or dissociation (flashback) event occurred. Time and therapy can heal.

TrailRunner61

After going through it and recovering from it myself, all I can say is listen when he needs you to and don't bring it up, let him do it when he's ready. When I first tried talking about 'it', I'd hyperventilate and run from the room and that was from counselors. I was lucky and only had nightmares and panic attacks for 6 mths. Eventually I was able to talk about it and came to terms with it, realizing there was nothing I could have done to prevent it from happening. I worked in EMS and lost 14 kids within 2 yrs. I couldn't mention confidential information to my family so that made it even harder. Eventually I quit the job and that eased the pressure and the fear of 'it' happening again.
Give him time and make sure he has someone he doesn't know to talk to.
Praying for you both.

Melaniec78

In the time since I've been here, I've had a lot of positive experiences with this community. So I come to you guys now with something that is weighing heavily on me.

Here's the quick & dirty of it: My boyfriend is an Army veteran with PTSD. Out of respect for him, I'm not going to say what events triggered it, as that took months for him to tell me and I don't want to betray his trust. He goes to therapy and takes medication to help with anxiety and sleep, but sometimes it's just not enough.

I listen, I don't judge, I encourage him, and I support him in any way I can. I'm looking to hear from both veterans/people with PTSD and the people who love/support them. How do you cope? What is the best way to help my boyfriend through this? Are there any lesser known resources we can explore? On sleepless nights with intense nightmares, what helps you?

Thank you guys in advance for any help, advice, or support you can offer.

Girl I feel your pain I go through the same thing. Mine drinks because he says it helps with the nightmares (even though he would still wake up and try to choke me and walk around like a zombie all day from lack of sleep). It used to be every day but I finally guided him into not drinking during the week. As you may know confrontation is not useful so it took a while. I had to use reasons like lets get healthier, lets test our limits etc. It has helped immensely but all the other difficulties are still there even after 5 years. I've tried to hint around about talking to someone, rejoining the VFW etc but it falls on deaf ears most of the time. I wish I could find a way to guide him into seeking therapy.
Congratulate yourself for your patience and I am eager to read some of these responses.

lavieboheme1229

I have PTSD due to a terrible beating at the hands of my father. My SO was with me during this time. He was with me when I had to shut off my emotions to keep surviving, and he was there with me when I had to go through the agony of turning them back on.

I had a very good psychologist. One thing she made me do was relive it (I don't suggest you do this yourself- let the licenses professionals handle this work). And sob. and sob and cry and hurt and sob. And then move on and deal with the rest of it all.

The best thing you can do as a SO is have the patience of a saint. He needs you to not yell at him that you got no sleep because of his nighmares, don't even mention it. When I have nightmares, I hang on to Derek for dear life until they go away. He can't sleep because of it, but he never says a word. Also, know he has triggers. If he isn't willing to discuss them with you, you will have to try your best to figure out what they are. Then you help him avoid those triggers, and if he encounters one, and you can't stop it, you simply sit there, and be a physical presence in the here and now for him. I don't know if he gets violent with his flashbacks, so obviously take your safety into consideration. Being there doesn't necessarily mean you are hugging him telling him everything is ok. It means sitting there right in front of him, with him, ready to catch him when he comes out of it.

Know you can't fix it, only he can. But communicate that you will do whatever you can to support HIM in that journey. Don't walk on eggshells, but seriously, do everything in your power to not do anything that triggers him. You need to be his rock and safe spot. Everyone makes mistakes, but do your very very best not to trigger him. That is my biggest piece of advice. My triggers are being grabbed and being scared/snuck up on. Derek snuck up on me once. After 30 minutes of sobbing in the corner, he realized he could never do that again. We were in the grocery store and he grabbed my arm, just to prevent me from walking into someone, and I punched him square in the gut.

The best way to relate is that his fight or flight response is on overdrive. And that is what is triggered at any given time. Think of how you would feel if you got backed into a corner of a dark alley by 3 strangers who obviously wanted to do you bodily harm. That is how he's feeling.

jrsey86

Thank you all so much for your responses. Your support, suggestions, strategies, and experiences are offering me so much perspective. To those of you with PTSD, thank you for sharing. :flowerforyou:

cecyvaquero

I had PTSD and what helped me what therapy and my family. I was on meds also but I didn't like the effects. I think you are doing a great job by being so supportive. Listen when he wants to talk and show lots of love and let him know always that everything will be alright. It will get better.