Fall down seven times. Stand up eight.

junkiescum

The first time I read that little proverb I thought, "Wow, that really applies to my current situation!" having failed at this simplest of goals twice already. I didn't think I was ACTUALLY going to have to fail eight times before I learned my freakin' lesson, but here I am a whole year into my weight GAIN journey, wondering if the proverb covers falling down forty times... or fifty... maybe sixty...

The point is, I've fuhcked up a lot. When I was about fourteen I tried on some of my older sister's clothes. I guess I just assumed that they'd be baggy, since she's five years my senior. Given, she was 5'7" and 118 pounds; not what I'd call the healthiest... but I distinctly remember looking in the mirror with my muffin top spilling out of her button-up and saying to myself, "No no. This will not do."

For six months I half-assed it. I Googled a list of weight loss tips and tried cutting back. Then after half a year I was standing as tall as my sister at my highest weight ever: 153. To a lot of people that doesn't sound so bad. I was between the higher end of healthy and the lower end of overweight. But I carried it very badly. I didn't have lovely voluptuous curves like the women I envied (because I was fifteen, duh). I was a chunk, and I hit rock bottom. It only took me six months before I weighed 123 pounds. Yes, it was quick. No, it wasn't necessarily accomplished the "healthy" way. As silly as it sounds, I didn't even know what a calorie was at the beginning of those months. For the first few weeks I was counting fat and protein because those words made sense to me. It actually worked. It's how I lost my first ten pounds! Then I became absorbed in my research and I read every health/weight loss/detox/fat flush/Dr. Oz special I could get my hands on. I learned what calories were and I started tracking them on MFP. I made six months my goal because I was moving back to my home state then and I wanted to shock and amaze my family. I set little milestones to reach on certain dates and I didn't let myself cheat. Yes, it worked like a charm... but it absorbed my life.

I suppose I had an eating disorder of sorts, but it went unnoticed because it wasn't a textbook case. I think any time your entire life revolves around something like weight, money, or a coveted object you should seek professional help. That's just me. I subscribe to the Church of Enhanced Perspective.

Two weeks before I boarded my flight home I blended a cranberry juice fast with a straight up water fast. I was a pro at starving. My stomach was the size of a lima bean and I had my whole life built in such a way that I could avoid even the strongest temptation (did I mention I used to bake multiple decadent desserts multiple times a day? I think my parents gained every pound I lost in eclairs, cookies, cakes, breads, ganache, brioche buns, cinnamon rolls... With most of it, I never tried a bite). I think I hit the teens before I had my big reveal at the airport. 118, or 115. Somewhere in there. My sisters told me later I looked sick. It explains why they kept trying to force-feed me. There was a boy I had a crush on who, upon seeing me for the first time in almost a year said, "Wow... oh my God look at you! What happened? You look amazing! Perfect!"

... *kitten*.

Everything was great! But there was a twist...

My parents had stayed down South when I moved back up. I was couch surfing from my brother's house to my sisters to various friends' and finally to the basement of some old family friends with really big hearts. I never knew where my next meal would come from. The stipend my parents wired me for food, gas, and everything else was not nearly enough to sustain me, and I was far too proud to ask for more so... I starved again. This time without a steady ration of homeopathic juices and potions to keep my energy up. Whenever someone offered me food, I took it. ALL of it. I stuffed my face. I have such loving family members, when they heard I was hungry they rolled out a summertime Thanksgiving meal for me, every meal. The weight crept back on, more and more. I fought it off, but unlike when I was down South my weight was not my life. I didn't have time to run every few hours. I couldn't spend forever on MFP. I couldn't perfectly ration a serving of fruit or boiled legumes to last me a whole day. I had school, friends, and for the first time, work.

I'm eighteen now. That means it's been two whole years since I hit the 140's again. I hadn't realized until just now while writing this that it had been that long. My consolation is that it sits quite a bit better on a curvy lady frame rather than a gelatinous pre-pubescent one... but still. I've hit rock bottom again. I'm also starting from scratch. My self control is on the blink and I'm once again staring down the barrel of leaving my parents' security blanket and fending for myself. I'm scared, fat, and beyond discouraged. At 5'7" I last weighed in at 137.8 lbs. Mostly fat. Not a lotta muscle.

This is my third or fourth MFP account. I've started fresh, yet again, and I hope this time it means something. I don't know what I'll do if I fail again. I've hit rock bottom once more, and I don't relish a trip into the earth's crust. So here I am pleading, for the fourth time, for support from the family of this website. Keep me in line, guys. Kick my *kitten*. Help me do this right this time, and spare no critique. I'm ready for an overhaul, and I'm ready to be the kind of person even I look up to.

tl;dr I was fat once. Then I lost it. Then I got it back. Now I'm gonna lose it again.

ladytinkerbell99

Hello,
First I would like to say, "Welcome to MFP".
I did read everything you wrote. I know that this is not the first time you have been here.
Maybe it will be the first time of getting healthy - without it being the focus of your life.

I know you can do this.

I say this, because from your post you sound like you have been to Hell and back. You must be
smart and determined to pull through. I applaud you for doing that.:flowerforyou:

Make this a time for you to stand up.

If you want, you can add me as a friend.