How do you cope with loneliness?
manohirarevolutions
Posts: 71 Member
in Chit-Chat
Hi everyone!
am a student who working on my dissertation. hopefully it will be finish next year. am 31 year old, dont hv any spouse of boyfriend, and few months ago I decide to cut off any communication or contact with friends and acquaintances since at that time I feel they slow down my work with their non-stop chit chat and problems.
well, my dissertation progress abit, but now i have to deal with loneliness, which sometimes slow down my work, again.
am bored with internet browsing, tv series or movies, games, things that i thought could give me similar satisfaction with social life.
but at the same time, i also afraid to connect with the real world again. it has nothing to do with ego or anything. i only got 30 days left to finish my work and I dont want to ruin that.
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
am a student who working on my dissertation. hopefully it will be finish next year. am 31 year old, dont hv any spouse of boyfriend, and few months ago I decide to cut off any communication or contact with friends and acquaintances since at that time I feel they slow down my work with their non-stop chit chat and problems.
well, my dissertation progress abit, but now i have to deal with loneliness, which sometimes slow down my work, again.
am bored with internet browsing, tv series or movies, games, things that i thought could give me similar satisfaction with social life.
but at the same time, i also afraid to connect with the real world again. it has nothing to do with ego or anything. i only got 30 days left to finish my work and I dont want to ruin that.
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
0
Replies
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Do your friends know that you cut off all communication with them because you feel they are a worthless distraction?
Im sorry, but that IS self centered, and now that you've alienated yourself from your support mechanisms, now I think its simply a matter of sucking it up.
You'll be lucky if they even take you back.0 -
Yeah this. While you have to take care of your personal priorities your personal relationships need to be priority too.Do your friends know that you cut off all communication with them because you feel they are a worthless distraction?
Im sorry, but that IS self centered, and now that you've alienated yourself from your support mechanisms, now I think its simply a matter of sucking it up.
You'll be lucky if they even take you back.
This is going to sound trite, but friendships are like any other living thing. They need sustenance to keep them alive and thriving.0 -
Apologize to your friends and reconnect with them.
True friends will support you through thick and thin!!!
We all need a social network no matter what is going on in our lives!!
Herb0 -
I used to use booze, until I realized that didn't work..0
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This isn't actual loneliness, I know what *that* truly is and it isn't what you have chosen to embrace - which is a self-imposed exile from a network of people. You eliminated them and their 'chit chat and problems' for a reason - so just focus on your dissertation and if you are working hard then you shouldn't be looking for more distractions.0
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I think it is a tough one as this dissertation is clearly important to you and you felt your friends were distracting you.
However, now you are lonely and I am guessing you will want your friends back. There is give and take involved in friendships - you may have seen them as having problems and having non-stop chit chat but they may feel pushed away and not valued by you.
I would apologise to them. If you want them to listen to your issues like loneliness you can't ignore their problems or see your own as more important. Same with the dissertation - maybe you talked about it a lot and it wouldn't be super fascinating to everyone but they didn't dismiss it as pointless chit chat or cut you off.0 -
Really?few months ago I decide to cut off any communication or contact with friends and acquaintances since at that time I feel they slow down my work with their non-stop chit chat and problems.
...
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
I'm sorry you're lonely but you've admitted it was self-inflicted. I can't imagine having gone through any of my schooling without my friends and their support. Finish your dissertation and move on. I'm sorry...there's just not much I can say here without being really crass, so I'll refrain.0 -
You sure there's not a deeper issue here? Figure out what that is first and become your own best friend. In the meantime, perhaps express a bit of humility toward your friends and slowly get your social life back while finishing up your dissertaition. Good luck!0
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Unless you have written a dissertation, keep your opinions to yourself about how selfish she is. In addition, being a woman getting a PhD complicates things on a different level because a society, we are much more accepting of a man who sacrifices than a woman.
In order to finish a dissertation in a timely manner, one must be very selfish. I am in the same place. I have deactivated Facebook, see my family rarely, and have let many friendships go. I also have clearly explained to anyone in my life where I am at and what is going on with me. I have sought out friends who are like-minded graduate students and faculty who are recently graduated. They understand that the most I can give in terms of friendship is sharing an occasional meal. I work in my office, work at Starbucks, at the rec center to work out, or I'm at home sleeping. That's all I do, seven days a week. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I also know at the end of that tunnel is a faculty position where I will be working towards tenure. So...I guess at the age of 37, I will finally get to really have a life back!0 -
i fool around. not recommended.0
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I enjoy being alone. the quiet time is great.0
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Go to the gym... go out and run... go to church... go to the movies... call/talk/visit your relatives.. go out shopping... have some fun...and take back your friends back little by little... and start over with Go to the Gym...0
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how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
If you're feeling lonely or are having moments of self pity, you obviously have too much free time allowing your mind to wonder. I'm a little surprised that you have the luxury to not be oblivious when you're trying to complete your dissertation. Stop looking for excuses as to why your work isn't or might not be progressing as YOU KNOW it should be. FIRST, you opted to pass the blame onto your friends via transference and now you're citing loneliness. STOP making excuses. Forgive yourself for the laxity. Get back to work. Start over if you have to. Quality and NOT quantity.
How should you deal with the self imposed loneliness?
1. Workout!
2. Find something else to obsess about.
3. Get a boyfriend.
4. Have some really GOOOOD sex.0 -
In addition, I would suggest sending an email to one or more friends to arrange a celebration when you have finished. In the email you can acknowledge that you neglected the friendship, but now that you are over that hurdle, you would like to reconnect. Don't be too upset if the don't want to, people vary in what they expect out of friendships. I'm low maintenance and I really only keep mostly low maintenance people around. I have many friends that I only catch up with once a month or even every other month, and we both consider each other good friends.0
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I am very sorry for your 'friends'. Honestly ...0
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Absolutely! I feel your grad school pain though. Good friends will understand that you're just really busy with this temporarily. Best wishes!Go to the gym... go out and run... go to church... go to the movies... call/talk/visit your relatives.. go out shopping... have some fun...and take back your friends back little by little... and start over with Go to the Gym...0 -
OP - Was this self-imposed isolation communicated to your friends beforehand? Either way, reach out and re-establish some contact. I think it will do you good.0
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I know what she means. In the 90's I was doing my MBA, a part time course as well as working full time. Any free time was study time, any traveling time was an opportunity to study. My new social circle became the people on the course. To combat the loneliness I'd make a point of going out everyday to somewhere quite close, perhaps a small local shop and buy a treat, talk to the counter staff. In this way, you'll get some fresh air, a little exercise, social interaction and a treat! Then back to studying. Once you've successfully finished your course, you'll have time to re-assess just who are your real friends in life.0
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Geez people here are so harsh. I completely understand having to take a pause from a social life to finish up school. It took every spare min I had after work and the kid to get my degree. Every spare second. When I was finished I threw a party for myself inviting all the wonderful people I had to put on pause.
Dealing with being lonely was rough.. But I really had no time to think of it. If you do have time to think about being alone maybe you have a second to pick up the phone and say hi. Good luck with the last little bit you have to do.0 -
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
If you're feeling lonely or are having moments of self pity, you obviously have too much free time allowing your mind to wonder. I'm a little surprised that you have the luxury to not be oblivious when you're trying to complete your dissertation. Stop looking for excuses as to why your work isn't or might not be progressing as YOU KNOW it should be. FIRST, you opted to pass the blame onto your friends via transference and now you're citing loneliness. STOP making excuses. Forgive yourself for the laxity. Get back to work. Start over if you have to. Quality and NOT quantity.
How should you deal with the self imposed loneliness?
1. Workout!
2. Find something else to obsess about.
3. Get a boyfriend.
4. Have some really GOOOOD sex.
Go to the gym... go out and run... go to church... go to the movies... call/talk/visit your relatives.. go out shopping... have some fun...and take back your friends back little by little... and start over with Go to the Gym...
^^ THIS and I forgot to mention... MFP!!!!... goof around here!!!.. friends here are a great support!!... and on the TOM... stay away from your room!!... maybe Ladies can give you better advice on that!... just saying what I think... and damn enjoy your loneliness too!!.. one day you will miss it!!!0 -
Not everyone on here has been to college so they may not truly understand what it takes to pass. I went to nursing school when my children were under 3 years old . It was an unbelievably crazy busy time. I would study in the middle of the night when my kids werent pulling at me just to pass the courses then get up a couple of hours later bundle them up in winter clothes take them to day care and to go do the shift part of the courses at the hospital. I was on Cloud nine when I got my RN in the mail! And its been
alot of hard work ever since for the last 20 plus years but nothing like nursing school which was grueling. I cant even imagine graduate school. Hang in there and dont waste alot of time reading all these posts!!!0 -
I'm sorry, but you were such a cow of a friend, and before everyone jumps on me, let's put it in perspective:
- I AM at university. I am the youngest person graduating in my year, and I am aiming to get a 2:1 or First Honours degree. I have classes (lectures and seminars), exams, essays and my dissertation to write.
- I AM a mother to a two year old. Even though I am not single (I am engaged) me and my husband to be cannot live together just now, so in terms of caring for my son, I am very much a single parent.
- I AM employed, part time, 4 nights a week.
I do know the stress, the difficulities and the issues of time management.
I would NEVER say that my true friends slow me down and I could not deal with their idle chit chat and problems because I thought my own were more important. That is not friendship to me, and even describing your friends like that shows lack of care.
And coming from someone who lost all bar 3 friends when I went to university (a year ahead of my school friends), and then had 1 left when I fell pregnant (since I am young), I know the value of true friendship and what it takes to have people in your life - as well as loneliness.
I have a partner yes, but we only see each other at weekends, and I do socialise with his friends too, but I wouldn't consider them my 'friends'. We would never be close.
If you truly want to keep people in your life because they are important, you do so. You make time - even a half an hour coffee at your place. If you can't see each other, you text/phone them, just to keep in contact. You do not say what the OP has said.
One afternoon off a dissertation, or a couple of hours, for coffee and a chat is not going to ruin any progress.0 -
Hi everyone!
am a student who working on my dissertation. hopefully it will be finish next year. am 31 year old, dont hv any spouse of boyfriend, and few months ago I decide to cut off any communication or contact with friends and acquaintances since at that time I feel they slow down my work with their non-stop chit chat and problems.
well, my dissertation progress abit, but now i have to deal with loneliness, which sometimes slow down my work, again.
am bored with internet browsing, tv series or movies, games, things that i thought could give me similar satisfaction with social life.
but at the same time, i also afraid to connect with the real world again. it has nothing to do with ego or anything. i only got 30 days left to finish my work and I dont want to ruin that.
how to deal with loneliness for at least the next 30 days without calling my friends?
If you have enough time to post of mfp, browse the web or watch tv series, you have enough time to schedule a call with a friend or family. If you aren't good at handling the call, set a timer and tell the person you called that you are running out of credit on your phone when it has gone past. Also don't feel bad for turning down a social event because you are studying, friends will understand this. I know you have asked how to deal with loneliness without calling friends, but the fact you have to ask means you aren't the type who can just deal with it. So why not just do one phone call, maybe that is all you need to lift out of the lonely feeling, and being in a positive mental state is just as important as time management if you want to succeed at your studies.0 -
I sympathize, I've been through this. The last month before finishing my dissertation I had no social life at all. I was working all night long at the uni - I would return home around 8am, sleep until 1pm, take a shower, grab something (crappy & full of fat) to eat and get back to work. It was summer break and there was practically no one around, especially during the nights and it was so lonely. My friends knew what I was going through and knew that I really had no time so I didn't have any problem with my friendships - actually they all came to my defense and it was such a fantastic support! I was trying hard not to cry after my defense with all the stress and worry, but they were there to make me laugh and get over it. And of course, to party afterwards! But, to be honest, most of these friends were graduate students or had graduated already, so they knew what I was going through.
My advice is to call your friends - half an hour break won't be the end of the world, besides that's nothing in comparison with the time wasted on the web! Apologize if you said something inappropriate and try to explain your situation. Talk to other graduate students who know what it is like. My office mates were the most fantastic support I had during my whole PhD, but also especially during the writing period. They were there to chat with whenever I needed a break and they knew not to interrupt when I was working.
Best of luck with your dissertation. Remember, in 30 days you'll be done and get your life back. This is what I kept telling myself to get me going.0 -
This is the dumbest contradictory post I have ever read.0 -
It may seem counterintuitive, but I think focusing on others helps with loneliness. It sounds like you have limited time, but maybe take a few hours a week to reach out to your friends. Let them know you only have an hour or two, then really listen to what is important to them. That connection that is created when people to listen to each other is the antidote to loneliness.
Or spend your few spare hours doing some volunteering, whether with people or animals. It might make you feel better.
Either way, I think the loneliness cure is meaningful connection. Something more surface won't do it. Unless you're just bored, which is also possible.0 -
There is a big difference between pulling back from your social life a bit to focus on your work and cutting your friends completely out of your life. I'm sorry that you chose the latter.
My friends and I all live very busy lives. Sometimes we don't see each other for months. But, we make time to check in because you have to nurture your relationships. And thank goodness, because when things got really rough for me this Fall, every single one of them showed up to help. That's what friendship is all about!
Maybe you can explain to your friends what you were thinking at the time you cut them off and then get back together...in moderation so that you can focus on your work.0 -
Do your friends know that you cut off all communication with them because you feel they are a worthless distraction?
Im sorry, but that IS self centered, and now that you've alienated yourself from your support mechanisms, now I think its simply a matter of sucking it up.
You'll be lucky if they even take you back.
what she said. good luck on your dissertation but OP you sound like a sucky friend0 -
I have to agree with the people on here that are deeming you to be a crappy friend...sorry. I'm a full-time teacher, mom of 2, and I'm in grad school to get my EdS (Educational Specialist) degree. It's basically 3 credits and a dissertation shy of a PhD. So, I get busy. TRUST ME. However, I still make time for my family and friends because if I didn't, I'd go crazy. You created your lonliness, deal with it.0
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I don't get it. Why did you cut them off?0
This discussion has been closed.
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