Christmas with Exes?
Replies
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I agree that these previous relationships don't go away and I don't expect them to. Plus, I remember the lonliness after my father's death. Ne need to kick her while she's already down. I was raised differently than that. That's why I said I'd deal with it.
I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.
So what. You waited til after Christmas if you announce it on New Years- and it is about New Beginnings. I'd say it's the best time to do it
And Congrats!0 -
We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day.
They didn't tell you? You just found out? She's not HIS family anymore, so I think it's rude of them to invite her without discussing it with him first. While it's very kind of them to want to include her, they should have respected him enough to ask his feelings on it.
Announce it on New Year's Day.
Yes this I agree with. They should have asked him first! What. We. Have. Here. Is. Failure to communicate.....
When divorce happens it's ultimately up to the divorcie if they want the ex involved with the family.0 -
I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.
1) Maybe they have kids together? Always nice to have both parents playing nicely (or at least civil) during the holidays. Takes pressure off of the kids. They don't have to risk insulting one parent or the other if prefer a big family holiday over the small "just us" dealio.
2) I'm with the New Year's for new beginnings school of thought.
(p.s. I'm prone to snarky. I wouldn't make calls specifically to tell folks how self-suffering I am, but not sure if I could bite my tongue if it came up in conversations after the holidays and the announcement.)
3) I really can see both sides here. I can see where it's a little threatening to have her around. So much history with your Ex and his family. Then again she was part of the family for 30+ years, relationships were developed over that time. Who initiated the break-up? Unless she committed some heinous act I see room for some lee-way, especially at a time where she's grieving her parents.0 -
Not that we can't. I won't. There is no need to potentially cause her any pain.
The wonderful thing is that you are sensitive to her (his soon to be ex-wife), given that you were only 13 when they were married. It must hurt her still, to be replaced by one so young. You have a good heart.0 -
So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?
Nope. This is the third one.0 -
WOW...been there many times !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it got worse every year !! then announce it on Xmas Day ! I would tell them that you wanted to announce it christmas eve to the family but you were being respectful of her but why hould you have to hide your happiness to accomidate her.... so she can have a nice xmas Eve then tell the world on xmas day !!
She should also be respectful of you and him and not show up on xmas day , she doesnt need to be there for both !0 -
She's going to find out one way or another. Does it really matter when? If she's invited to Christmas, I doubt she's going to be shoved out the door afterwards. Accepting the invitation she does have to realize that he will be there with YOU.
Now, if they have an okay relationship, do you think maybe he could tell her about it and prepare her for it? You know a heads up of "I would just like to let you know that we are planning on getting married and announcing to our family at Christmas?"0 -
So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?
Nope. This is the third one.
So they invited her to join since her parents passed this year but she hasn't been invited to anything before?0 -
So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?
Nope. This is the third one.
You've been together for 3 years and her well aware? Girl, annouce it on Christmas!!0 -
So she hasn't been to her ex-husband's family's Christmas in 3 years and now comes....hmmm I'm torn.
Ok her parents just passed, so I see where they are coming from but it would have been classier to talk to your fiancee first and only invite to ONE of the events NOT both.
My daughter's great grandparents on her dad's side still invite me to every holiday thing (I actually see them more than their own grandson, my ex) but I always decline. Frankly I don't want to be there; has nothing to do with the rest of the family but don't want to be around my ex for any length of time.
I can see them feeling bad for her b/c of her loss but I still don't find it appropriate; if certain members of the family want to have a relationship with her they can do it on their time and not at a family event0 -
So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?
Nope. This is the third one.
Then I have to assume they invited her to this gathering since she recently lost her parents and has no other family nearby.
They have been divorced for 3 years, yes?
She needs to buck-up, put on her big girl panties-like you are.
Go ahead and announce it when you planned to, 3 years is more than enough time for her to get over any type of hard feelings. You shouldn't have to 'walk on eggshells' because she is there.
IMHO kinda weird for them to invite her if they didn't invite her in the previous years.0 -
Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her? It's your celebration, your event, your family. If she can't be gracious while hearing that news, it's her problem. Once you're married, you're more in the family than she is. Despite the years they shared, he's married to you, not her. That's a big difference.
^^^^ THIS0 -
I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.
I agree. From the very beginning, my dad's parents made it a point to let my mom know she was still welcome at Christmas dinner. To them, she was still their daughter in law...now they just had an extra one. The first few years were rocky, but my mom, dad, and stepmom get along. It may sound mean, but who are we to say who gets invited to an event when it isn't in our own home? If something's slated to take place at my house and I don't want someone invited, I don't invite them. If I'm going to someone's home, I don't have the right to say who's there and who isn't.0 -
Not that we can't. I won't. There is no need to potentially cause her any pain.
The wonderful thing is that you are sensitive to her (his soon to be ex-wife), given that you were only 13 when they were married. It must hurt her still, to be replaced by one so young. You have a good heart.
Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.
My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.
It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.0 -
This man, his family, and his ex all sound like a big ball of crazy. If I were you I would consider myself lucky that nothing was official yet, and just sever.We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died...0 -
1) I get that they probably consider her family, but they should have asked your fiance first. It's his ex-wife, so he gets priority. That's water under the bridge, but his family should take him into consideration in the future.
2) Are you planning to wear your ring? If you don't plan to announce it at Christmas, you're going to have to take your ring off. There's no way people won't notice.
3) Personally, I'd announce it on Christmas. I think you're very kind for considering her feelings, but they've been over and done for three years, and she knows about you. If she freaks out, that's on her, not you.
4) To the poster who mentioned the OP's age, stop being so judgmental. It's not like the OP is 17 and her fiance is 40. They're both mature adults.0 -
Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her?
Uh, because they were married for 30 years and he left her for someone much younger. The OP is being respectful and not wanting to hurt her or create an awkward situation for everyone.0 -
Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.
My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.
It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.
I understand your disappointment. You had your heart set on the Christmas announcement.
Is it your decision to NOT make the announcement or did influence the consideration to defer?0 -
Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her?
Uh, because they were married for 30 years and he left her for someone much younger. The OP is being respectful and not wanting to hurt her or create an awkward situation for everyone.
I never said or implied that he left her for me. That is entirely inaccurate.0 -
Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.
My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.
It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.
I understand your disappointment. You had your heart set on the Christmas announcement.
Is it your decision to NOT make the announcement or did influence the consideration to defer?
It is a decision we made together - as a couple.0 -
I never said or implied that he left her for me. That is entirely inaccurate.
True. You didn't. He left her after being married to her for 30 years and now he's with you, someone much younger. You're respecting her feelings by not wanting to announce your engagement in front of his family. I get that.0 -
Why would you feel so bad about announcing your engagement in front of her?
Uh, because they were married for 30 years and he left her for someone much younger. The OP is being respectful and not wanting to hurt her or create an awkward situation for everyone.
I never said or implied that he left her for me. That is entirely inaccurate.
That's the problem with asking for advice on the internet. Things get so turned around..0 -
An announcement? Isn't that for kiddies who get married?
Let's see he was married to her for 30 years. He's been married to you for zero years. Everybody appears to be 40 to 50-ish, and here we are whining and sniveling about announcements?
LMAO! :laugh:0 -
Actually, I was 10. All their children are grown. Heck, they're all older than my adult daughter.
My own parents are divorced. My dad's family always invited my mother to things so this is something I am used to. I'm just shocked because she hadn't been invited for two years and now she is. His family is genuinely very nice so - if I had thought about it - I would have seen this coming.
It's really not a big deal. I'm just disappointed about the announcement.
I understand your disappointment. You had your heart set on the Christmas announcement.
Is it your decision to NOT make the announcement or did influence the consideration to defer?
It is a decision we made together - as a couple.
I was about to ask what HIS thoughts were in all of this....0 -
4) To the poster who mentioned the OP's age, stop being so judgmental. It's not like the OP is 17 and her fiance is 40. They're both mature adults.
Clearly, no one is judging the OP. She introduced his soon to be ex of 30 years. The OP is not old - she's in her 40s. If an observation is perceived by you as judgement, then your rationale is warped.
BOT: I think that it is a pity that she s being minimised for the sake of the ex, who'd never received an invite to grace their Christmas get-togethers until now for the past 3 years during their separation. Family is family.. Surely someone knew the OP and her soon to be husband were getting serious. Fine line between consideration and the want for fireworks.0 -
It is a decision we made together - as a couple.
Oh! Wow! That is rather finite. I'm really sorry.
EDIT: [Exhale]0 -
Thanks for letting my be snarky here. Venting here was much better than at venting at Christmas.0
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ABSOLUTELY ANNOUNCE IT AT THE PARTY!.
If they are rude enough to invite her, make sure you show the love enough to share with everyone regarding your engagement. If she feels the needs to come to an ex family event, that is what she gets.0 -
I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.
Sometimes people become family in more than just name. Even after the divorce, obviously the family still loves her, and she loves them.0 -
I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's no longer an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.
I completely agree with this!!! Though I find it rude his family invited her without running it by you both.0
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