Christmas with Exes?

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24

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  • lizziebeth1028
    lizziebeth1028 Posts: 3,602 Member
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    It's a bit over the top that they invited her for both xmas eve AND xmas day. But I do see this happening more and more nowadays. In our own family it happens....my brother's ex and my nephew's ex stop by to wish the family Merry Christmas (they don't stay long though;)). I agree that an engagement announcement would be awkward. Make the announcement on New Year's Eve!

    Congratulations!
  • perfectingpatti
    perfectingpatti Posts: 1,037 Member
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    I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.

    Then don't announce it publicly. Tell a few close family members and then let it trickle out. I would imagine it being very hurtful for her to be present for the announcement.
  • itgeekwoman
    itgeekwoman Posts: 804 Member
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    I have spent many a christmas with my husband's x wife and her new husband and their child. My mother in law thought it would be the only way she would see the grand kids.. and she was correct. We tolerated it and life went on. I am not saying that you should do this. It was uncomfortable at best, but I got used to it. My husband was very hurt by this and I understand, as she left him for the other man.

    Anyway.. I would go, celebrate the way you want and announce your engagement after she leaves. She won't be there the whole time. If I recall, you mentioned that she lost both of her parents.. losing the extended family would be devastating. While I realize your difficulty, I would suggest that you take the high road and go and smile and be nice. After all, he chose you.

    Good luck!

    At least the x doesn't call every year on the anniversary and cry .. saying how she never should have left him.
  • k8eekins
    k8eekins Posts: 2,264 Member
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    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

    ...

    So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?

    Would you consider informing the family at around Easter? Or would that be too late for the announcement?

    * At seeing the subject heading - I simply couldn't resist clicking into the thread.
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
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    I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.

    ^ This I totally agree.. I wasn't with my ex for 30 years (only 12) but I still can't imagine inserting myself into his family functions... I think his parents may have invited her because of the loss of her parents...that didn't mean she should accept the invitation... its odd. Your fiance needs to tell his parents this is not cool....

    I agree that she's still a member of the "family". But after a divorce, I believe that includes birthdays, weddings etc. Not family holidays IE Christmas, Easter.... where you'll be in close quarters with the new significant other. There comes a point where you should honor the current marriage/relationship and allow the old one to pass.
  • WickedGarden
    WickedGarden Posts: 944 Member
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    So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    We were planning to announce our engagement at his family's Christmas celebrations. His family is very large and they will all be together then. We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day. This is the first time they have invited her since he filed for divorce. It's also her first Christmas since her parents died.

    Yes, I'm annoyed. Yes, they do like me also. I will pull up my zebra-striped big girl panties and deal with it.

    Unfortunately, we cannot announce our engagement in front of the woman he was married to for more than 30 years before deciding he wanted out.

    So now what? I'm tempted to call everyone after Christmas to tell them and to mention we had planned to announce it at Christmas but could not due to obvious reasons. Too snarky?

    Why don't you both send everyone a 'Save the Date" e-card before Christmas? That way, his family will all be aware that you've decided to make your relationship permanent, preventing the Christmas awkwardness putting you through undue stress or circumstancial conflict minimisation.

    Fact is, if I was in your situation, I would have invited her myself. 30 years of commitment to the man you now love. Be assured in the love you both share. :)

    Are you snarky? No! Just human.
  • jamk1446
    jamk1446 Posts: 5,577 Member
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    I agree that these previous relationships don't go away and I don't expect them to. Plus, I remember the lonliness after my father's death. Ne need to kick her while she's already down. I was raised differently than that. That's why I said I'd deal with it.

    I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.

    She'll have to get used to the idea at some point. That news might be easier to hear at New Year's rather than Christmas, especially if she's already grieving family.
  • penrbrown
    penrbrown Posts: 2,685 Member
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    Why pre-empt these holidays to make the announcement? Why not have a special affair just for this announcement rather then taking over the holidays. :P
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
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    I'd have invited her too if I was your SO's family...sorry, but just because she's notlonger an in- law, doesn't mean those relationships with the rest of his family go away.

    I agree. My ex's family always invite me to their events. I usually decline, but they invite me. I was close to them. I dont' see it as that odd.

    I also don't understand why you can't announce your engagement.

    Maybe there's more going on than you know about?

    Not that we can't. I won't. There is no need to potentially cause her any pain.
  • CarmenLynn75
    CarmenLynn75 Posts: 118 Member
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    I agree that these previous relationships don't go away and I don't expect them to. Plus, I remember the lonliness after my father's death. Ne need to kick her while she's already down. I was raised differently than that. That's why I said I'd deal with it.

    I like the idea of announcing at New Year's but she'll probably be invited to that too.

    So what. You waited til after Christmas if you announce it on New Years- and it is about New Beginnings. I'd say it's the best time to do it :)
    And Congrats!
  • _Timmeh_
    _Timmeh_ Posts: 2,096 Member
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    We have since found out his family invited his ex-wife to both Christmas eve and Christmas day.

    They didn't tell you? You just found out? She's not HIS family anymore, so I think it's rude of them to invite her without discussing it with him first. While it's very kind of them to want to include her, they should have respected him enough to ask his feelings on it.

    Announce it on New Year's Day.

    Yes this I agree with. They should have asked him first! What. We. Have. Here. Is. Failure to communicate.....

    When divorce happens it's ultimately up to the divorcie if they want the ex involved with the family.
  • auntiebabs
    auntiebabs Posts: 1,754 Member
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    I find it entirely strange that a) she is invited and b) she is planning to attend.

    1) Maybe they have kids together? Always nice to have both parents playing nicely (or at least civil) during the holidays. Takes pressure off of the kids. They don't have to risk insulting one parent or the other if prefer a big family holiday over the small "just us" dealio.

    2) I'm with the New Year's for new beginnings school of thought.
    (p.s. I'm prone to snarky. I wouldn't make calls specifically to tell folks how self-suffering I am, but not sure if I could bite my tongue if it came up in conversations after the holidays and the announcement.)

    3) I really can see both sides here. I can see where it's a little threatening to have her around. So much history with your Ex and his family. Then again she was part of the family for 30+ years, relationships were developed over that time. Who initiated the break-up? Unless she committed some heinous act I see room for some lee-way, especially at a time where she's grieving her parents.
  • 777Gemma888
    777Gemma888 Posts: 9,578 Member
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    Not that we can't. I won't. There is no need to potentially cause her any pain.

    The wonderful thing is that you are sensitive to her (his soon to be ex-wife), given that you were only 13 when they were married. It must hurt her still, to be replaced by one so young. You have a good heart.
  • serena569
    serena569 Posts: 427 Member
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    So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?

    Nope. This is the third one.
  • skinnywithin
    skinnywithin Posts: 1,392 Member
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    WOW...been there many times !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and it got worse every year !! then announce it on Xmas Day ! I would tell them that you wanted to announce it christmas eve to the family but you were being respectful of her but why hould you have to hide your happiness to accomidate her.... so she can have a nice xmas Eve then tell the world on xmas day !!

    She should also be respectful of you and him and not show up on xmas day , she doesnt need to be there for both !
  • ARHx0
    ARHx0 Posts: 32
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    She's going to find out one way or another. Does it really matter when? If she's invited to Christmas, I doubt she's going to be shoved out the door afterwards. Accepting the invitation she does have to realize that he will be there with YOU.

    Now, if they have an okay relationship, do you think maybe he could tell her about it and prepare her for it? You know a heads up of "I would just like to let you know that we are planning on getting married and announcing to our family at Christmas?"
  • corn63
    corn63 Posts: 1,580 Member
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    So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?

    Nope. This is the third one.

    So they invited her to join since her parents passed this year but she hasn't been invited to anything before?
  • ARHx0
    ARHx0 Posts: 32
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    So, this is "the first time they invited her since he wanted out"...are you saying that between last Christmas and this Christmas, you two got together and got engaged?

    Nope. This is the third one.

    You've been together for 3 years and her well aware? Girl, annouce it on Christmas!!
  • BeingAwesome247
    BeingAwesome247 Posts: 1,171 Member
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    So she hasn't been to her ex-husband's family's Christmas in 3 years and now comes....hmmm I'm torn.
    Ok her parents just passed, so I see where they are coming from but it would have been classier to talk to your fiancee first and only invite to ONE of the events NOT both.

    My daughter's great grandparents on her dad's side still invite me to every holiday thing (I actually see them more than their own grandson, my ex) but I always decline. Frankly I don't want to be there; has nothing to do with the rest of the family but don't want to be around my ex for any length of time.

    I can see them feeling bad for her b/c of her loss but I still don't find it appropriate; if certain members of the family want to have a relationship with her they can do it on their time and not at a family event

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