Welcome: I am Open! Are you?
Some people might read this and some might just pass it by. I am not preaching, I am not doing anything to reform your opinion on matters, I just want to speak my mind and that is just want a forum is for.
I CAME TO A PLACE IN MY LIFE....
I was wondering around here tonight and on SO MANY of the forums I saw so many women (even some young men), some large and some thin as skeletons speaking about how afraid they are of being fat and in their own bodies etc.
I remember when I used to be like that... I used to hate myself so badly. I would look in the mirror and see NOTHING BUT vulgarity! I would make myself physically ill. I never saw how beautiful I really was. I was 5’ 4”, 120lbs, 34D with curly blonde hair and bright green eyes. I never saw any of this.
I never saw that I was a mixture of two families that both made it out of Nazi occupied Germany. I never saw that I have my mother's eyes and that I all I have left of her. I never saw that I have cute little pointed ears that are just like my father's and when he is gone from this world I can look in the mirror and see that he is always going to be around. I never saw that my sister and I are the only people in my family whom have our Jewish curly hair and I will never feel alone on Earth cause I have my twin out there.
When I was too skinny I thought I was fat. Even with hip bones sticking out and arms thin as chicken wings I thought I was HUGE!! When I was too fat I thought I was skinnier than I really was. I would smash into skin tight clothes cause I thought they would draw more attention to my huge breasts and get my positive attention then draw attention to the fact that I was extremely over weight and living a horribly unhealthy lifestyle and suffering from major depression and self hate. I picked at every pimple cause I THOUGHT everyone could see them. They were only noticeable after the picking. I would make jokes about myself I front of people and go home and scream in the mirror in my own face, slap myself and physically hurt myself because OF THE WAY I LOOKED! Even after I lost all my weight and was toned and thinner than I ever was even in high school I couldn't take compliments from friends and family. I didn't feel good in my own skin EVER and I wasn't sure I ever would...
Things got better after a while and after some lifestyle changes and mental workout things got a little less foggy.
It wasn't until about 7 months ago I actually looked in a mirror, fully naked, saw my good and my bad but SAW ME! Not what I wanted or what I thought I was. I saw my saggy breasts and I saw my alien like long thin fingers. I saw my many little dark skin moles all over my body and my curly hair crazy upon my head.
I don't know how or I don't know what I did to accomplish this but, I pray that one day these little ones get the same saving grace as myself. Self help and realization maybe… but something turned the light on. No one needs to hurt like that. People of all ages should want to be healthy and live long lives yes but, NO ONE should ever have to be made to feel like they are less than what they were meant to be. Better yourself but love yourself. Bigger than your girlfriends, less muscular than your guy friends. Your parents don't like your weight, or your family makes comments; they aren't you! In the end we only have ourselves SO LOVE IT!
What if you don't live past tomorrow? What someone you loved got sick? What if you met the love of your life? Is weight, or hair color, or height, or muscles etc... is all that going to matter in the end?
If this was just some random rant to you, thanks for reading it and taking the time. If this was something that hit you, I hope it can help clear your mind a little more each day. If you don't take ANYTHING from this at all please take this:
If you can't love yourself just know I love you and I think you are perfect and I am proud of you
I CAME TO A PLACE IN MY LIFE....
I was wondering around here tonight and on SO MANY of the forums I saw so many women (even some young men), some large and some thin as skeletons speaking about how afraid they are of being fat and in their own bodies etc.
I remember when I used to be like that... I used to hate myself so badly. I would look in the mirror and see NOTHING BUT vulgarity! I would make myself physically ill. I never saw how beautiful I really was. I was 5’ 4”, 120lbs, 34D with curly blonde hair and bright green eyes. I never saw any of this.
I never saw that I was a mixture of two families that both made it out of Nazi occupied Germany. I never saw that I have my mother's eyes and that I all I have left of her. I never saw that I have cute little pointed ears that are just like my father's and when he is gone from this world I can look in the mirror and see that he is always going to be around. I never saw that my sister and I are the only people in my family whom have our Jewish curly hair and I will never feel alone on Earth cause I have my twin out there.
When I was too skinny I thought I was fat. Even with hip bones sticking out and arms thin as chicken wings I thought I was HUGE!! When I was too fat I thought I was skinnier than I really was. I would smash into skin tight clothes cause I thought they would draw more attention to my huge breasts and get my positive attention then draw attention to the fact that I was extremely over weight and living a horribly unhealthy lifestyle and suffering from major depression and self hate. I picked at every pimple cause I THOUGHT everyone could see them. They were only noticeable after the picking. I would make jokes about myself I front of people and go home and scream in the mirror in my own face, slap myself and physically hurt myself because OF THE WAY I LOOKED! Even after I lost all my weight and was toned and thinner than I ever was even in high school I couldn't take compliments from friends and family. I didn't feel good in my own skin EVER and I wasn't sure I ever would...
Things got better after a while and after some lifestyle changes and mental workout things got a little less foggy.
It wasn't until about 7 months ago I actually looked in a mirror, fully naked, saw my good and my bad but SAW ME! Not what I wanted or what I thought I was. I saw my saggy breasts and I saw my alien like long thin fingers. I saw my many little dark skin moles all over my body and my curly hair crazy upon my head.
I don't know how or I don't know what I did to accomplish this but, I pray that one day these little ones get the same saving grace as myself. Self help and realization maybe… but something turned the light on. No one needs to hurt like that. People of all ages should want to be healthy and live long lives yes but, NO ONE should ever have to be made to feel like they are less than what they were meant to be. Better yourself but love yourself. Bigger than your girlfriends, less muscular than your guy friends. Your parents don't like your weight, or your family makes comments; they aren't you! In the end we only have ourselves SO LOVE IT!
What if you don't live past tomorrow? What someone you loved got sick? What if you met the love of your life? Is weight, or hair color, or height, or muscles etc... is all that going to matter in the end?
If this was just some random rant to you, thanks for reading it and taking the time. If this was something that hit you, I hope it can help clear your mind a little more each day. If you don't take ANYTHING from this at all please take this:
If you can't love yourself just know I love you and I think you are perfect and I am proud of you
0
Replies
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That's lovely, thank you for sharing! I am so glad you feel better! I too am guilty of feeling like this, always comparing myself to my slimmer friends but I am starting to come to your way of thinking!
Thank you 0 -
This actually just made me cry. Holy ****. I really needed this right now.
I struggle so much with my identity and hating myself cos of BPD, depression and comments from my parents...
I don't know how to overcome this though0
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