Still the fat girl..

dancinnat

So I don't post a lot, but today I am in particular need of advice/support.

I started at 257lbs in May and have managed to lose 60lbs. I got down to 197lbs by September. I know I still have a ways to go. I had some health problems in October/November that prevented me from working out so I have since been at a stand still. I am mostly recovered now, but finding it extremely hard to get back into my routine and diet plans with as much ferocity as I started with. I've stayed right around the lower 190's with my lowest weight reaching 189lbs. I'm feeling like since all of this weight loss stuff has happened in my life, that I am having trouble with my self esteem. You would think that losing the weight would help you feel better about yourself. And I do, it's just that I have lost a good amount of weight and I still feel like the fat girl.

I get the feeling my husband is ashamed of me. This could be from my own insecurities, or there really could be something to this. He changed jobs in July and works mostly with a bunch of other men. I go to his job to visit him often with the baby or to bring him lunch. He always requests that I park far away from the building and I wait in the car for him. I have not met any of his co workers, even though they repeatedly invite us out. The owners of the company he works for had a Christmas party, we did not go. With it being Christmas, I made a lot of homemade Christmas cookies and wanted to bring some into his job for everyone, but he said no. Today he calls me from work and his friend's wife is there, handing out Christmas cookies she made. As typical men, any time any of the other wives come into the shop the guys all talk about them and how good/bad they look and stuff. I guess it's hard not to think that the reason he hasn't wanted me up there is because he's ashamed of the way I look and is probably worried what the other guys would say or think.

While this type of scenario would normally motivate the hell out of me to get back at it, and become happy with the way I look so that stuff like this wouldn't even cross my mind. But I feel defeated. I feel like all the hard work I did still didn't get me to where I need to be. I feel like he must think I am disgusting. I feel so ashamed that my own husband doesn't want anyone to see me. This does not make me want to work out more, it makes me never want to leave the house again.

deksgrl

Oh, honey. My first thought was that he wants to keep you all to himself, and doesn't want the other guys to see you because of that. Is he supportive and loving? I think you look amazing, and you should be very proud of the progress you made. Not only that, but you know you can reach your goal if you keep at it. Can you talk to him about it?

vopat45

GIRL! You look UHHHHHHHHHHH MAZING! From your before and after you look absolutely stunning.

Are your shoes untied?! Because you are tripping!

It will take time to fall onto the right track but you will get it!

Aleph13

I can understand why you feel upset but you're right, your own insecurity could be eating away at you. Just remember he loves you and don't always assume the worst. Why not talk to him about how you feel and see what he says?

I don't know you or how big you are but you look like a beautiful girl and I'm sure with a bit of will power you will achieve what you want to achieve. If you're not getting the motivation you need at home, come on here... there are plenty of good people who will listen and help you out

The main thing is yourself though. Make that decision in your own mind and work towards it in your own way... but do it. Just do it. Don't think about it too much or talk about it. Do it and see what happens :-)

MamaMaryC

He may be feeling insecure too.

I'm going to use my hubby as an example. Not saying that your man is like him, just a different perspective. My hubby has a tendency to be a jerk. When I was over-weight it was worse. Who was going to want me looking like I did with kids? When I got tired of the weight and started losing, he threw a fit every step of the way and tried to sabotage my progress.. He is insecure that some other guy is actually going to find me attractive and I will have had enough of his 'tude and leave. He doesn't get that I love him and I know I have a tendency to be a jerk too. My BIL acted the same way when his wife decided to start losing the weight.

Before I gained 60+ lbs I would go to his old job to bring him lunch. The guys were respectful to me, but when I wasn't around they would give him a hard time about how "****-a-licious" I was. (I didn't think so.) And even though I didn't have any interest in them he didn't feel comfortable with the thought of me leaving him for a better looking man.

You might try talking to him. You may not be the only one with insecurities. He may have a few of his own that he is struggling with too. It is always good to talk and try to get on the same page.

drk2012

First, let me say that you are the only person who truly knows what is going on inside you and your past and present experiences.

That said, you are certainly not alone in the feeling that even having lost a significant amount of weight, you are lacking esteem. I would venture to say that most women who have spent the majority of their lives overweight (of which I am one) will never lose the feeling that somehow they are still not "thin" enough or "beautiful" enough based on an ideal that will never apply to all women. Looking around at our culture and the preponderance of plastic surgery procedures that even naturally thin women undergo, it's apparent that self-esteem is lacking in many women across the board. We all have our own perfect level of health and our bodies' perfect weight. We would all be better off striving to be healthy instead of looking to some manipulated ideal.

It would be easy to say you need to find a way to love yourself no matter what you look like on the outside, but you and I both know that believing something and putting it into practice are two very different things. It's okay to feel bad about yourself sometimes, we all do. It can even be motivating. However, I don't think motivating ourselves based on negatives is a lasting or healthy way of being. For every negative thought or feeling we have about ourselves, we need to find two or three good. Over time, the positive begins to outweigh {pun, I know : ) } the negative and you slowly begin to develop a more positive feeling about yourself and your body. These positive thoughts and beliefs will go much farther in motivation than the negatives ever will. For example: I am a strong, healthy woman and I will prove this by working my way up to lifting ____ amount of weight.

This all has to start with you and only you. As women, we tend to base our feelings about our bodies on what others perceive or think about us. Men do also, but I would say overall it's not as prevalent or to the same degree. Whether or not it is biological or societal is up for debate. Regarding your husband, he may just feel he's protecting you from the rude comments of his insensitive coworkers. Perhaps he knows he would jeopardize his career if they said something negative about you because he would defend you out of love. The bottom line is that you will never know unless you talk to him honestly about your feelings. In my own experience with my husband, and I know I'm not alone, I have tended to create things in my mind that do not exist based on what I think he is thinking. This type of thing can very quickly lead to things being blown out of proportion to reality. It can be very difficult to sit down with someone you love and talk to them about something so emotional, but it is necessary to a healthy relationship. Make it a healthy space by telling him how you feel and by not accusing him of doing something to you. Use "I feel", not "You do this...". Hopefully, he will tell you how he is feeling in return and you can work from there. It will go a long way to establishing a pattern of communication that can benefit any relationship in any situation. If it means a lot to you to attend his work functions, tell him. You will both need to be prepared for the fact that people there may be insensitive, and that it may turn out to be a negative environment, but there are no guarantees in life. If we can learn to see that other people don't dictate the decisions we make in our own lives, it can free us to do more and try more without the burden of always worrying what other people think.

You're a beautiful, strong woman who has the wonderful gift of being a mother. Be a great example to your child, that is the ultimate motivation. I wish you the best on your journey, you can do it!!

gwenmf

It could very well be that he thinks you're beautiful and has enough respect for you that he doesn't want THOSE guys talking about HIS WIFE like that. I'd give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

60 pounds is awesome and he's got to be feeling a bit insecure and protective of you.

Congratulations, girl~! that's amazing!

alpine1994

I looked at your pics and you look incredible!! Congratulations on your success so far!

As for the husband telling you to park far away, not to bring in cookies, etc. honestly I would think the same thing as you. But I would also ask him about it. Communication is really important, because it really could be HIS insecurities (like other people said). There's no reason to feel crappy about yourself when you're assuming the wrong thing, you know? Just ask him about it and tell him to be honest.

RedHeadDevotchka

I don't know you or your husband, so I'm just making generalizations here....but maybe you are over thinking it. I have found many times that I over think something that my husband has done and he hasn't given it 2 thoughts.
Or he is not wanting to have people talk about you behind your back. Or a million other reasons.
Talk to him.

msshiraz

Your before and after pictures show quite a transition! That in itself is something great! I think the person you need to talk to about this is your husband. Pick the right time, and ask him the questions. Then you will have a starting point. But no, you are not "still the fat girl"- that girl weighed 60 lbs more. If you have maintained your weight loss without gain during this time- and not working out- that shows some serious dedication. Weight loss is a journey- just like it took time to gain that weight, its going to take time to lose it all. And usually the first portion comes off much easier than the 2nd!! I have lost over 70- have 70 more to go and I have been at the same plateau for months! I work out like crazy- my diet is getting better, much better. But still the loss is much slower. I am ok with that as long as the scale does not go up

photogal375

Girl, you look absolutely beautiful! Don't let this defeat you in anyway. Talk to your hubby and ask him what he's thinking... why he's acting this way. BUT.... you look fabulous! Remember that.

BurtHuttz

Maybe he's embarrassed of his coworkers.

You should sit down and talk with him about your insecurities and why you're concerned. If you let him know that it's very important to you, I would expect him to listen and take you seriously.

ChristinaR720

Are your shoes untied?! Because you are tripping!

This is my new pick-up line! I would totally "fall" for this one!

You look amazing, chica! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise! And you should be majorly proud of what you have accomplished thus far!!

BrettPGH

A. You're not a fat girl. You hear me? You're you and you have accomplished so much you should be proud of. You're an inspiration to anyone looking to lose weight. So stop putting yourself down and be proud of what you've done.

2. Ok none of that sounds good. You need to have an open and honest talk with the man. Best of luck.

LoraF83

Maybe he's embarrassed of his coworkers.

You should sit down and talk with him about your insecurities and why you're concerned. If you let him know that it's very important to you, I would expect him to listen and take you seriously.

Agree with this. It could be a problem in his work place he doesn't want you to know about or it could be something else.

Only you know if there is a problem in your marriage. And the only way to deal with it is to talk to him about it.

Congrats on your loss! That's awesome

Rosytakesoff

Okay, honey, take a deep breath. There's a lot going on in your post, so I'll try to hit the points as I see them.

One: weight loss is weird. Yes, we are happy about it, but it takes awhile for our heads to catch up to our bodies. I've lost 129 pounds. Some days I still see my old self in the mirror. If a man looks at me, sometimes I want to turn around and see who's standing behind me. So your self image will improve if you keep working on it. Self esteem doesn't have as much to do with body size as we think. Ever seen a beautiful girl who's convinced she's ugly, fat, etc? You wonder what the heck she's talking about, but she thinks she's a troll.

Two: My husband has never wanted me near his coworkers. I called him on it once and told him if he was so ashamed of me then maybe he should find someone else (don't do this). He then told me the reason he didn't want me around them is because a lot of them are not quality people and I wouldn't like them. I didn't believe him, so he took me to a party. What a bunch of *kitten*. He was right: I couldn't get away fast enough.

Three: Exercise is tough when you are recovering from an injury, so start small and work your way up. You can do it.

Take care of yourself.

halffullpgh

I teared up when I read that. Then I went to your page and requested you as a friend, because you deserve more support and to feel better about life.

You are beautiful. 2 reasons - I can only see 3 pictures of you, but from that I can see that you are a gorgeous woman. And just the fact that you are taking your baby to see your man shows that you are also kind and caring.

Chances are, your husband has never once been embarrassed to have you around. I look at my guy all the time and wonder what in the hell goes on in his head that causes him to do the things he does, but I doubt I will ever understand. There is some strange Mars/Venus, Vagina/Penis thing that I swear conflicts our thought process from theirs. :laugh:

Smile and be proud of yourself. And this weight loss slump will end. You are only as good as you feel and you need to concentrate on some good in your life.

Chin up, nose down

Derpes

There might be a few other factors.....does he like the job?

Does he like the co-workers?

Ivey05131980

Ask him. Point blank.

Eyesblu

first off you have come a long way! you are beautiful. And perhaps some of these others are onto something maybe he is trying to keep you all to himself not wanting other men to want you too...perfectly understandable..atleast from where im sitting.

pastryari

You are not a fat girl! Don't let yourself think that. Anyone who calls you fat or makes you feel that way deserves to be castrated! Am I right, ladies?! :drinker: