Feel Trapped & Don't Know What To Do
Metamorphasis555
Posts: 224
Edited to say that I'm sorry this post turned out to be so long. My intention was to keep it on the short side but obviously it didn't work out that way.
Long story short:
EXBF & I dated for 3 years. Relationship ended when he dumped me. One reason for that supposedly was that he knew I wanted marriage & more kids and he wasn't "ready" for that yet. Looking back, I wish I had been smart enough to go strict NC straight from day 1. Instead, like a total fool I've let him jerk me around the past 2 years since our breakup. That first year after we split up, we hung out several different times (usually once every few months). We had sex several times too that first year. It's now been a little over a year since the last time I saw him in person. However, we've stayed in touch on a pretty frequent basis for the last several months.
He's had several short term "relationships" since we split up. I'm ashamed to say that I've had none. Mostly because I've still been so freaking hung up on him. Because I knew I wasn't over him, I felt like it wouldn't be fair to even try & start a new relationship with someone else as I didn't want to end up hurting some other guy. I went on a few dates with a few different guys but haven't even bothered with any dates for several months now. (Part of that is because I'd like to lose a little more weight first so I feel more self confident about my body). So, while he's been "living it up" and screwing one girl after another, I've been very lonely. Yes, I have my friends & my family but still miss having that male companionship&miss sex too of course. I get it that it ultimately my choice not to move on but obviously I guess that's easier said then done...at least for me.
His most recent GF he's supposedly been with for 8 months now. This is by far his longest relationship since we split up. I think that's one reason why I didn't go full NC a long time ago. Once it passed like 4 or 5 months&they were still together, then I started to (internally) really freak out that maybe I was finally going to really lose him. I think I kept hoping all this time that he was going to suddenly have this big epiphany & realize that I was "the one" and so much better than all these other girls. I can see now that was such a stupid way of thinking because I already lost him. I lost him the very day he broke up with me a little over 2 years ago. I guess what made me confused though was for the past 2 years, he's said at least a couple times that he does love me & want to get back together with me. However, the second I agree to give things another try he just goes right out & gets another girlfriend.
Also, this past year I have really struggled financially. Long story short, he ended up loaning me a a total of a couple thousand dollars over the last several months. One reason I felt comfortable borrowing as much as I did is he kept saying stuff about how if we get back together someday then he won't care about the money. A few weeks ago, I decided that I'd had enough of our phone only "friendship" and of him jerking me around. I ended up calling and leaving him a voicemail&telling him that I was done with us being friends&that I'd send him the money but to please not contact me anymore. I'm embarassed to say that this is NOT even close to the first time I'd told him that but for some reason this time I guess he took me seriously. Maybe my tone of voice on the message? I can see how I sounded really confident, zero crying, etc. Anyways, he called and texted me incessantly the entire next day and night after I left that message. He left me messages actually sounding remorseful for once saying He's so sorry about everything, he doesn't want to lose me, etc. He also sent one text that said I don't want someone else to marry you, period. Obviously he wasn't truly remorseful though or he would have called me up and told me that he dumped his girlfriend and knows he probably doesn't deserve another chance but would be thrilled if I'd give him one. I should have stayed strong but I just couldn't take it anymore and finally answered the phone to tell him to stop. Answering that call turned into us going right back into the same old crappy cycle of me being miserable because he has nothing to offer me but phone "friendship" when I want so much more then that. Actually, I'm finally at the point now where I'm not sure if I even want to reconcile anymore. A big part of me still loves him but he's really done a lot the past few years to hurt me.
What I don't get is if he doesn't love me enough to be with me, then why in the world has he kept lending me all this money? I mean if he's really just using me for an ego stroke and/or to make him feel "safer" dating his current gf knowing he has me to fall back on, then that's a pretty expensive ego stroke don't you think?? I mean from what I know he's fairly wealthy but still. Maybe I've been fooling myself but that's one big reason that I've kept in touch with him the past year. Sure the money help was a big relief for me but also it made me think well, he MUST care. Maybe he really IS telling the truth that he does want us to get married someday but hasn't been ready to get back together yet because he knew I wanted marriage & still wasn't ready for that. I can see why that was stupid of me to think. However, I do have reasons to think that he maybe is somewhat of a commitment phobe. He definitely seems to fit that stereotype of he can't commit to being with me (for the long haul anyways) but he can't commit to 100% letting me go either.
Anytime I try and go NC, within a week he starts freaking out&calling me&texting me and saying all the "right" things. However, actions speak louder than words. Other than being very generous about loaning me money the past year, his actions of I think we're great together, I think we will get married someday, etc. obviously aren't matching his words. Sometimes I give in and break NC due to the fact that I genuinely start missing him. Other times I've broken NC though because I genuinely worry about him. He'll text me and say stuff like why are you doing this to me? You know how anxious this makes me. (He does seem to have anxiety issues). I guess I need to remind myself though that what about all the times that I was crying or anxious when he ignored me while he was off having fun screwing other girls? He didn't seem to care then about how anxious or depressed I might have felt. No matter how anxious he gets if/when he doesn't hear from me I guess I shouldn't feel too bad because if he was really THAT miserable without me, then wouldn't he dump his girlfriend and at least TRY and do what whatever it takes to show he's serious about wanting to be with me?
Any time I try & go NC with him the past year, one thing that always makes me give in is he'll mention the money I owe. We had already agreed that I'd resume my payments to him in January & I honestly have every intention to do so. However, after I kept ignoring his I'm so sorry please talk to me type texts and voicemails, then he start sending me angry sounding texts about how he needs to talk to me now about the money. So, I guess I basically let him intimidate me into talking to him again because it's never a good idea to make someone angry that you owe money to. As soon as I called him up though, he immediately wanted to talk about "us" and didn't seem to care about the money. For the past year, I thought it was really nice of him to help me out with lending me money. However, I'm starting to think it was only partially nice because it seems more & more like maybe did it as a way to try & maintain control over me.
I'm not worried that he'll try & sue me or anything. One thing I am worried about though if I try and go NC with him is that he might contact my mother & tell her that I borrowed all this money from him. He & I are both in our mid 30's so prob. I shouldn't be so concerned what my mother thinks. However, no matter how old we get I think we all like our parents to be proud of us&I know that she'd be so disappointed in me that I was stupid enough to borrow all this money from him. I feel really ashamed now that I let him demote me to phone only "friends" in exchange for money help. I don't think he'd call her up JUST to tell her that. But...he does tend to get really anxious and freaked out if he can't talk to me. So, if he starts feeling super anxious then he might contact her and plead with her to ask her to please have me contact him. Then if she starts telling him, why don't you just leave her alone? You've jerked her around long enough a*****e, I can see him saying to her no I'm not an a****e. If I was such an a***e would I have loaned her XX dollars the past year? I'm sick of feeling lonely and not having a significant other. I'd really like to have more kids and get married someday & even though he SAYS sometimes that I'll have that with him, I obviously have little to NO reason to take him seriously when he hasn't even wanted to date me for the past 2 years now!
While I do still care about him a lot, I know that the negatives of staying in touch with him are far outweighing the positives. I've had many "nice" conversations with him that I enjoyed while I was on the phone with him. Once we got off the phone though, more often then not I'd burst into tears. Other times I've cried after talking to him because the conversation did not go well & all we did was basically argue. So, what more proof then that do I need that this so called "friendship" obviously isn't working for me? I feel so ashamed of myself that I let him demote me to being just his "friend". I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I know now that I deserve SO much better than this! I deserve more than a man that talks about how we can maybe get married someday yet who's currently choosing to date and screw some other girl! I'm at the point now where I know it's not going to be easy to go full NC with him(& finally stick to it) but I know it's what i need to do. I have no reason to think that he's serious about wanting to marry me. I'm never going to get married & have more kids if I keep wasting time on him. I wish so bad that things had worked out with him & I for the long haul but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
What am I supposed to do though when I go strict NC&he starts getting all anxious? Am I really supposed to just totally ignore it? The logical side of me says well yes because if he was that miserable he'd dump his girlfriend with zero hesitation to try & be with you. For some reason though, part of me feels like a heartless b***h ignoring him when I know how anxious&totally stressed out he can get. Like I said before, I'm also worried about him contacting my mom and/or dad and telling him about how much I owe him&them being so disappointed in me. My dad probably wouldn't be so bad about it actually. My mom though would almost definitely get really angry&I think it would make her not even want to talk to me for awhile. I love my mom& I don't want this damaging my relationship with her. So, basically I feel trapped. I know I need to move on with my life but between worrying about him and his anxiety&worrying about the money thing being used against me, I almost feel like I have no choice but to keep talking to him. I don't think I can take yet another year of this though. I simply can't afford to keep borrowing more money from him & without that what's left? A phone only "friendship" while he dates and screws someone else while I struggle to do the same because talking to him continues to make it hard for me to get over him?? Thanks but no thanks.
Any advice or input would be much appreciated. Thank you.
Long story short:
EXBF & I dated for 3 years. Relationship ended when he dumped me. One reason for that supposedly was that he knew I wanted marriage & more kids and he wasn't "ready" for that yet. Looking back, I wish I had been smart enough to go strict NC straight from day 1. Instead, like a total fool I've let him jerk me around the past 2 years since our breakup. That first year after we split up, we hung out several different times (usually once every few months). We had sex several times too that first year. It's now been a little over a year since the last time I saw him in person. However, we've stayed in touch on a pretty frequent basis for the last several months.
He's had several short term "relationships" since we split up. I'm ashamed to say that I've had none. Mostly because I've still been so freaking hung up on him. Because I knew I wasn't over him, I felt like it wouldn't be fair to even try & start a new relationship with someone else as I didn't want to end up hurting some other guy. I went on a few dates with a few different guys but haven't even bothered with any dates for several months now. (Part of that is because I'd like to lose a little more weight first so I feel more self confident about my body). So, while he's been "living it up" and screwing one girl after another, I've been very lonely. Yes, I have my friends & my family but still miss having that male companionship&miss sex too of course. I get it that it ultimately my choice not to move on but obviously I guess that's easier said then done...at least for me.
His most recent GF he's supposedly been with for 8 months now. This is by far his longest relationship since we split up. I think that's one reason why I didn't go full NC a long time ago. Once it passed like 4 or 5 months&they were still together, then I started to (internally) really freak out that maybe I was finally going to really lose him. I think I kept hoping all this time that he was going to suddenly have this big epiphany & realize that I was "the one" and so much better than all these other girls. I can see now that was such a stupid way of thinking because I already lost him. I lost him the very day he broke up with me a little over 2 years ago. I guess what made me confused though was for the past 2 years, he's said at least a couple times that he does love me & want to get back together with me. However, the second I agree to give things another try he just goes right out & gets another girlfriend.
Also, this past year I have really struggled financially. Long story short, he ended up loaning me a a total of a couple thousand dollars over the last several months. One reason I felt comfortable borrowing as much as I did is he kept saying stuff about how if we get back together someday then he won't care about the money. A few weeks ago, I decided that I'd had enough of our phone only "friendship" and of him jerking me around. I ended up calling and leaving him a voicemail&telling him that I was done with us being friends&that I'd send him the money but to please not contact me anymore. I'm embarassed to say that this is NOT even close to the first time I'd told him that but for some reason this time I guess he took me seriously. Maybe my tone of voice on the message? I can see how I sounded really confident, zero crying, etc. Anyways, he called and texted me incessantly the entire next day and night after I left that message. He left me messages actually sounding remorseful for once saying He's so sorry about everything, he doesn't want to lose me, etc. He also sent one text that said I don't want someone else to marry you, period. Obviously he wasn't truly remorseful though or he would have called me up and told me that he dumped his girlfriend and knows he probably doesn't deserve another chance but would be thrilled if I'd give him one. I should have stayed strong but I just couldn't take it anymore and finally answered the phone to tell him to stop. Answering that call turned into us going right back into the same old crappy cycle of me being miserable because he has nothing to offer me but phone "friendship" when I want so much more then that. Actually, I'm finally at the point now where I'm not sure if I even want to reconcile anymore. A big part of me still loves him but he's really done a lot the past few years to hurt me.
What I don't get is if he doesn't love me enough to be with me, then why in the world has he kept lending me all this money? I mean if he's really just using me for an ego stroke and/or to make him feel "safer" dating his current gf knowing he has me to fall back on, then that's a pretty expensive ego stroke don't you think?? I mean from what I know he's fairly wealthy but still. Maybe I've been fooling myself but that's one big reason that I've kept in touch with him the past year. Sure the money help was a big relief for me but also it made me think well, he MUST care. Maybe he really IS telling the truth that he does want us to get married someday but hasn't been ready to get back together yet because he knew I wanted marriage & still wasn't ready for that. I can see why that was stupid of me to think. However, I do have reasons to think that he maybe is somewhat of a commitment phobe. He definitely seems to fit that stereotype of he can't commit to being with me (for the long haul anyways) but he can't commit to 100% letting me go either.
Anytime I try and go NC, within a week he starts freaking out&calling me&texting me and saying all the "right" things. However, actions speak louder than words. Other than being very generous about loaning me money the past year, his actions of I think we're great together, I think we will get married someday, etc. obviously aren't matching his words. Sometimes I give in and break NC due to the fact that I genuinely start missing him. Other times I've broken NC though because I genuinely worry about him. He'll text me and say stuff like why are you doing this to me? You know how anxious this makes me. (He does seem to have anxiety issues). I guess I need to remind myself though that what about all the times that I was crying or anxious when he ignored me while he was off having fun screwing other girls? He didn't seem to care then about how anxious or depressed I might have felt. No matter how anxious he gets if/when he doesn't hear from me I guess I shouldn't feel too bad because if he was really THAT miserable without me, then wouldn't he dump his girlfriend and at least TRY and do what whatever it takes to show he's serious about wanting to be with me?
Any time I try & go NC with him the past year, one thing that always makes me give in is he'll mention the money I owe. We had already agreed that I'd resume my payments to him in January & I honestly have every intention to do so. However, after I kept ignoring his I'm so sorry please talk to me type texts and voicemails, then he start sending me angry sounding texts about how he needs to talk to me now about the money. So, I guess I basically let him intimidate me into talking to him again because it's never a good idea to make someone angry that you owe money to. As soon as I called him up though, he immediately wanted to talk about "us" and didn't seem to care about the money. For the past year, I thought it was really nice of him to help me out with lending me money. However, I'm starting to think it was only partially nice because it seems more & more like maybe did it as a way to try & maintain control over me.
I'm not worried that he'll try & sue me or anything. One thing I am worried about though if I try and go NC with him is that he might contact my mother & tell her that I borrowed all this money from him. He & I are both in our mid 30's so prob. I shouldn't be so concerned what my mother thinks. However, no matter how old we get I think we all like our parents to be proud of us&I know that she'd be so disappointed in me that I was stupid enough to borrow all this money from him. I feel really ashamed now that I let him demote me to phone only "friends" in exchange for money help. I don't think he'd call her up JUST to tell her that. But...he does tend to get really anxious and freaked out if he can't talk to me. So, if he starts feeling super anxious then he might contact her and plead with her to ask her to please have me contact him. Then if she starts telling him, why don't you just leave her alone? You've jerked her around long enough a*****e, I can see him saying to her no I'm not an a****e. If I was such an a***e would I have loaned her XX dollars the past year? I'm sick of feeling lonely and not having a significant other. I'd really like to have more kids and get married someday & even though he SAYS sometimes that I'll have that with him, I obviously have little to NO reason to take him seriously when he hasn't even wanted to date me for the past 2 years now!
While I do still care about him a lot, I know that the negatives of staying in touch with him are far outweighing the positives. I've had many "nice" conversations with him that I enjoyed while I was on the phone with him. Once we got off the phone though, more often then not I'd burst into tears. Other times I've cried after talking to him because the conversation did not go well & all we did was basically argue. So, what more proof then that do I need that this so called "friendship" obviously isn't working for me? I feel so ashamed of myself that I let him demote me to being just his "friend". I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I know now that I deserve SO much better than this! I deserve more than a man that talks about how we can maybe get married someday yet who's currently choosing to date and screw some other girl! I'm at the point now where I know it's not going to be easy to go full NC with him(& finally stick to it) but I know it's what i need to do. I have no reason to think that he's serious about wanting to marry me. I'm never going to get married & have more kids if I keep wasting time on him. I wish so bad that things had worked out with him & I for the long haul but I guess it just wasn't meant to be.
What am I supposed to do though when I go strict NC&he starts getting all anxious? Am I really supposed to just totally ignore it? The logical side of me says well yes because if he was that miserable he'd dump his girlfriend with zero hesitation to try & be with you. For some reason though, part of me feels like a heartless b***h ignoring him when I know how anxious&totally stressed out he can get. Like I said before, I'm also worried about him contacting my mom and/or dad and telling him about how much I owe him&them being so disappointed in me. My dad probably wouldn't be so bad about it actually. My mom though would almost definitely get really angry&I think it would make her not even want to talk to me for awhile. I love my mom& I don't want this damaging my relationship with her. So, basically I feel trapped. I know I need to move on with my life but between worrying about him and his anxiety&worrying about the money thing being used against me, I almost feel like I have no choice but to keep talking to him. I don't think I can take yet another year of this though. I simply can't afford to keep borrowing more money from him & without that what's left? A phone only "friendship" while he dates and screws someone else while I struggle to do the same because talking to him continues to make it hard for me to get over him?? Thanks but no thanks.
Any advice or input would be much appreciated. Thank you.
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Honestly, I read about half of this, and it's all I need.
Stop talking to this loser. If he is in his 30's and not ready to commit, that's not your problem. See a therapist and get your stuff in order. You can't expect other people to love you if you don't love yourself.0 -
Kristen. Thank you so much for your input. If you read the last paragraph of my post though, you'll see why I'm nervous about not talking to him anymore. I just cut & pasted it for you here:
What am I supposed to do though when I go strict NC&he starts getting all anxious? Am I really supposed to just totally ignore it? The logical side of me says well yes because if he was that miserable he'd dump his girlfriend with zero hesitation to try & be with you. For some reason though, part of me feels like a heartless b***h ignoring him when I know how anxious&totally stressed out he can get. Like I said before, I'm also worried about him contacting my mom and/or dad and telling him about how much I owe him&them being so disappointed in me. My dad probably wouldn't be so bad about it actually. My mom though would almost definitely get really angry&I think it would make her not even want to talk to me for awhile. I love my mom& I don't want this damaging my relationship with her. So, basically I feel trapped. I know I need to move on with my life but between worrying about him and his anxiety&worrying about the money thing being used against me, I almost feel like I have no choice but to keep talking to him. I don't think I can take yet another year of this though. I simply can't afford to keep borrowing more money from him & without that what's left? A phone only "friendship" while he dates and screws someone else while I struggle to do the same because talking to him continues to make it hard for me to get over him?? Thanks but no thanks.0 -
I read three paragraphs. WALK AWAY!!! He is so not worth your time. NEVER go backwards. You broke up for a reason and that reason will always be there.0
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I read three paragraphs. WALK AWAY!!! He is so not worth your time. NEVER go backwards. You broke up for a reason and that reason will always be there.
This.
The guy is a waste of your time.
Stop responding to him. Stop participating in the charade. 1 voicemail or 10, 5 text messages or 50, just ignore him.0 -
You're both in your 30s. He's acting like a college aged guy and you are acting like a teenager. He broke up with you 2 years ago. You really think he'll call the parents of the girl he dumped in 2010 to say she borrowed money? Who does that?? You 2 sound like you are toxic together. Dump him. Pay him back. Use your tax refund if you get one. Cut all ties with him and be done. If you truly think he's the one for you tell him he can contact you when he is ready for thw whole marriage and family thing but not before. If/when that happens though take it slow. In the meantime move on. Go out and date someone else. Stop pining for this guy.0
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Shut it down.0
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Well, when he starts getting all anxious and freaked out because you are not responding to him you can always call his girlfriend and tell her she needs to talk him off the roof. Or you can just ignore him and move on with your life. He loaned you money, he didn't buy you so stop letting him treat you like he did. I'm sorry that you're having a hard time letting go and I'm not trying to sound harsh, but it sounds like you are letting him take advantage of your emotions. Yes, I read your whole post for some strange reason. Walk away, get on with your life. Please stop letting him toy with you.0
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I have one question--what the hell does "NC" mean?! Google and Urban Dictionary were no help.
Also, he is douche. Cut all ties.0 -
Thanks for your input Nikki. It's funny you should say that about never go backwards as I was just thinking the other day that I have a new slogan for myself now which is I don't "do" demotions, only promotions.
What I don't get though is if he doesn't love me enough to want to commit to me then why has he lent me all this money?? Also, if he doesn't love me then why does he act so incredibly anxious&acts like he's scared of losing me every time I stop talking to him for awhile?0 -
Thank you so much for all of your feedback everyone.
skinkpurty-NC means no contact.0 -
I have one question--what the hell does "NC" mean?! Google and Urban Dictionary were no help.
Also, he is douche. Cut all ties.
No contact.Thanks for your input Nikki. It's funny you should say that about never go backwards as I was just thinking the other day that I have a new slogan for myself now which is I don't "do" demotions, only promotions.
What I don't get though is if he doesn't love me enough to want to commit to me then why has he lent me all this money?? Also, if he doesn't love me then why does he act so incredibly anxious&acts like he's scared of losing me every time I stop talking to him for awhile?
Control. He feels better having you under his thumb. Not for a fall back, but to keep him occupied when he's not busy with someone else. He's never coming back...trust me, I've seen this scenario more times than you can possibly imagine. You know this though, but your own lack of self esteem won't let you act on it.
My advice is to get yourself some help. Don't go all selfish and crazy and make life 'all about you' (this will hurt you in the end too), but spending some time on 'you'...indulging yourself in some things you enjoy...finding someone decent to spend time with...as friends and maybe more...is going to do a hell of a lot more for you than this guy ever could.0 -
I had a very similar experience, except that I was NOT in love with him, and he went low enough as to threaten to tell my very conservative parents what I did on vacation in the south of Turkey, and send them certain pictures as proof, if I didn't stay with him. Fracking psycho.
Here is what you need to do:
1. Call your mom and your dad. Also any and all mutual friends/acquaintances. Make them all swear on your life that they will not answer or reply to calls or texts from this guy. Don't go into specifics. Simply explain that you are not happy maintaining contact with the guy, and he will most likely try to get them to get YOU to call him. Be firm, and make sure they know that is is your wish that they don't answer his calls.
2. Outline an email to him explaining how and when you will be making payments to him, and then honor it. Keep up with it, pay on time and don't miss any payments. This takes away his excuse to "talk to you about the money". If he knows you are making payments and are always good for it, he will have zero reason to call you about the money. So when he tries that tact you know he will just be lying to get you on the phone so he can start suckering you again. Don't fall for it.
3. If he tries to make you feel bad for him by claiming you are giving him anxiety, don't buy it. You say he is in his mid-thirties, I think we can all agree that if his anxiety really got to be a health issue, he could call 911 on his own and get help. You answering his calls is not going to help. Ignore it. I guarantee it's a lie, anyway.
4. Change your phone number. You'll probably have to keep your email available to him, just to have one line of communication open until you pay back all the money, but it's better than him always blowing up your phone, isn't it? It's easier to graze trough and delete a bunch of emails than always have to screen your phone calls. And when you give out your new number too family and friends, make sure they understand that they are not to give it out to ANYONE, EVER.
5. Stay strong. Distract yourself, and go on a few dates! Once he sees you've truly started to move on, he'll eventually start to get it and leave you alone.0 -
Thanks for your input Nikki. It's funny you should say that about never go backwards as I was just thinking the other day that I have a new slogan for myself now which is I don't "do" demotions, only promotions.
What I don't get though is if he doesn't love me enough to want to commit to me then why has he lent me all this money?? Also, if he doesn't love me then why does he act so incredibly anxious&acts like he's scared of losing me every time I stop talking to him for awhile?
He lent you the money so he can have control over you, and "own" you. No other reason. Classic douche maneuver.0 -
Thank you so much for all of your feedback everyone.
skinkpurty-NC means no contact.
Thank you! I couldn't figure it out and it was driving me nuts.
I also so want to add, if you can figure out a way, pay back the money he lent you, but cut all other ties. Yes, he is douche. Maybe losing out on that money would be Karma for him, but it would be a classy thing for you to do. (LOL)0 -
I had a very similar experience, except that I was NOT in love with him, and he went low enough as to threaten to tell my very conservative parents what I did on vacation in the south of Turkey, and send them certain pictures as proof, if I didn't stay with him. Fracking psycho.
Here is what you need to do:
1. Call your mom and your dad. Also any and all mutual friends/acquaintances. Make them all swear on your life that they will not answer or reply to calls or texts from this guy. Don't go into specifics. Simply explain that you are not happy maintaining contact with the guy, and he will most likely try to get them to get YOU to call him. Be firm, and make sure they know that is is your wish that they don't answer his calls.
2. Outline an email to him explaining how and when you will be making payments to him, and then honor it. Keep up with it, pay on time and don't miss any payments. This takes away his excuse to "talk to you about the money". If he knows you are making payments and are always good for it, he will have zero reason to call you about the money. So when he tries that tact you know he will just be lying to get you on the phone so he can start suckering you again. Don't fall for it.
3. If he tries to make you feel bad for him by claiming you are giving him anxiety, don't buy it. You say he is in his mid-thirties, I think we can all agree that if his anxiety really got to be a health issue, he could call 911 on his own and get help. You answering his calls is not going to help. Ignore it. I guarantee it's a lie, anyway.
4. Change your phone number. You'll probably have to keep your email available to him, just to have one line of communication open until you pay back all the money, but it's better than him always blowing up your phone, isn't it? It's easier to graze trough and delete a bunch of emails than always have to screen your phone calls. And when you give out your new number too family and friends, make sure they understand that they are not to give it out to ANYONE, EVER.
5. Stay strong. Distract yourself, and go on a few dates! Once he sees you've truly started to move on, he'll eventually start to get it and leave you alone.
Love this post
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You said:...I decided that I'd had enough of our phone only "friendship" and of him jerking me around. I ended up calling and leaving him a voicemail&telling him that I was done with us being friends&that I'd send him the money but to please not contact me anymore.
So send him the money. Don't have any more contact with him. And get some professional help.
He's jerking you around, and you're letting him.0 -
The money is the bait, to keep you on the hook. Same as the future marriage he keeps talking about. His freakouts are not about concern for you, they are about him owning you and making sure he has absolute ownership. Therefore you keeps you emotionally dependent on him so you will not have a relationship of your own with another man. And he gets to have his cake an eat it too. He gets to control you AND his current girlfriend, and quite frankly, probably a few other exes along the line too. Regarding the money, send him a payment plan in writing to his physical mailing address, send it certified and retain a copy for yourself. Keep all communication strictly over the mail - that's all that's legally required in my state, I suppose there are might be states that require a phone number, but that's something you can look up. If he chooses to involve anyone beyond the two of you, that's on him, it's beyond your realm of control and not something for you to waste time fretting about. Break all other contact, and quite frankly look for a good therapist. You deserve better, you know you deserve better, but you keep taking the bait...there's room for improvement there before any other human is involved. Very best of luck, it will be hard, but I am absolutely sure that you have the strength and resilience to accomplish getting your life back to you!!!0
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Do you agree that you owe the money? It's not like one of those Judge Judy 'gifts'? If so, work out a plan to repay him, if you intend to and can, by monthly email transfer. Even if it's a little amount. Then NC. If not, NC. And stop taking money from him, figure something else out. No judgement on that, just stop it, though.
Take a couple of months to 'date' a BUNCH of people to remind yourself you have choices. And by date, I mean don't get involved. You only need one date per to create some mental space.0 -
Thanks so much for taking time to give me advice everyone. I really appreciate it.0
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Shut it down.0
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Update:
It's been a week now since I last talked to him (via text or phone calls). He's tried to contact me almost every day since then but so far I've been ignoring him. The first few days of ignoring him, he only tried to contact me maybe once or twice a day. However, yesterday he tried calling me six times and sent me four texts. At first he asked me nicely to please call him. When the nice approach didn't work, now he's right back to demanding that I call him about the money. I promised him I'd resume my payments to him in January & I have every intention of doing that. However, it will be another week or two before I can afford to send him anything. Do you guys think I should text him and say something like "I don't have any extra money available to send you right now but I promise I'll send some money to you sometime within the next few weeks"? On one of his voice mail messages earlier today he said "I hate not talking to you" & one of his texts the other day said stuff about how he misses me. So, I have no idea how much he really cares about getting his money back right away or if he's just using that as a way to manipulate me into "having" to talk to him.
Also, he's invited me to meet up with him for coffee a few times recently (including earlier today). He left me a voice mail saying that he was going to be in my area today and wanted to know if I wanted to meet for coffee. He even texted me the other day and asked if he could go to church with me sometime! He said that he'd really like to do that. I ignored these texts but it's like um, hello?? Are you forgetting that you have a freaking GF?? I mean what does he have in mind? That the three of us sit at church together or that I join the two of them for coffee?? More likely he wants to do these things behind her back and then what?? Potentially have him choose to go right back to his GF & leaving me feeling like crap and rejected all over again? Thanks but no thanks!
Now he just left me a voice mail a few minutes ago. On the voice mail he said he's concerned about whether or not I have enough money this month. He's saying please call him back because he'd like to give me some money this month to help me out. He said that any money he gives me this month would be considered a gift from him, UNLIKE the money that he's lent me in the past. So far, I'm still staying strong and ignoring him but I feel like saying "why don't you stop f***ing contacting me incessantly so I can concentrate on my work without you interfering&then I'd be doing just fine making money"??
I want so bad to just keep right on ignoring him but since I do owe him a lot of money I feel like I probably do need to send at least one text so he knows that I am going to pay him back. Any suggestions on what that text should say? I already made it clear that I don't want to be just friends but clearly he's just not respecting that at all. it's like he's actually p***ed off & thinks he's entitled to have his new GF yet get to keep me in his life too. He may have lent me money but like someone else on here said, he did NOT buy ME! He's really starting to p*ss me off that he won't just leave me the f*** alone. Trust me, he's not hard up for the money. I strongly suspect that he's actually pretty wealthy. He just can't stand feeling like he doesn't have control over me due to his anxiety/control issues.0 -
A few of you have suggested that I send him a payment plan in writing & then make sure I stick to it. I really don't feel comfortable doing that though as my income is somewhat unpredictable right now & so I don't feel like I can tell him for certain that I can definitely send X amount of money per month (unless it was literally only like $10.00 a month or something and I really don't think he'd go for that. I just wish he'd leave me alone & trust that I'll send him a least a little bit of money every month until he's all paid off.0
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