Friends and Support...

animemoon5

I have something I would like to say here.

The entire point of having a "Support system" and one of the biggest advantages of a site like this where people can get together and become friends with one another... Is having someone encourage you when things are going difficult, and to pat you on the back when youre' doing well... We've all struggled, we've all been there, we all know it can be difficult, no one is perfect and you cannot expect everyone to always succeed, and with so many diet plans out there, you can't always expect everyone to do it your way either....

People doing this are all having a hard time, and probably feeling a bit sensitive or self-conscious and it really riles me to see that there are people here, who will friend someone under certain conditions, that the moment the going gets rough, they are quick to pass judgements or de-friend.... CONDITIONAL SUPPORT IS NOT SUPPORT!!!

I was so hesitant on inviting friends, and first wanted to do my own thing, I managed to lose 14lbs in under two months, and decided to give the friend thing a try, though I was self-conscious and doubtful, I opened up and was just starting to realize how great it was to have support...

Until the going gets tough, that is, a difference of opinion and I become unfriended after being accused of "Not taking my diet seriously"

Someone else very important to me has been struggling too.... and took their friends very seriously, Actually it was their friends that kept them going through all of this, and it was seeing how much of a help it was to them that made me want to try having friends too...

They got de-friended as well.... For the same reason... it was all "Conditional" They've lost their support and have been left hanging, and it makes me feel awful!!!!

This is not what this is about, a true support system isn't supposed to build you up only when you're doing well and then drop you like an old hat when things get rough or because you have some bad days!!!

I seriously hope that it was just a bad run of luck on this side, and that these types of people are far and few in between.....

In the meantime I would like to say to anyone here who has friends on this site... Please keep in mind, we are all trying, and opening up with struggles and difficulties can help, but it also leaves you vulnerable,

gerripho

My thoughts on the whole MFP Friend thing. First, I think it should be called something other than "Friend." Call it something less personal like "follower." It makes a difference in your mind between Un-Friending someone and Un-following someone.

Second, this is the internet and there is little chance of actually making "friends" on a site like this. In real life friendships are built on more than just one common goal such as a desire to get fit and healthy. Having that one thing in common does not make a friendship in the real world so why should we call it friendship on this site?

I have unfriended my share of people on this site. The lady who insisted on having three and sometims more snacks every day which consisted of nothing but Rice Krispie bars and then complained to me over and over that she just couldn't seem to lose weight. We messaged back and forth for a couple of weeks. I tried suggesting other snacks. I used a gentle approach and when that didn't make a difference I did a bit of tough love. Everything I said made no difference at all to her. Sorry, I'll support someone but I won't beat a dead horse. And I don't put up with whining about not losing weight and denying that 1,000 or more empty calories a day might be the cause. I began to think the only reason she ate all those bars was so she could complain about it.

I unfriended the one who thanked me every time I commented on her progress, gave her raves and kudos for her good work, told her how much her new pictures showed the change in her appearance, and not once in two months did she ever comment on any of my posts! Sorry, I'll be supportive but I won't be used! There have been several people like this and I refuse to be the one to do all the cheering and get nothing in return.

I unfriended the one who was a hypochondriac. She wasn't losing weight and her "food" was 75% supplements!

I unfriended the one who was trying to eat less than 500 calories a day and exercise away 600 calories a day. First I sent her articles and posts explaining how that is counter productive. She argued back that she knew what she was doing. Sorry, I couldn't support her in her choice and decided not to waste anymore of my time.

I unfriended one guy who posted a rather obscene picture on his profile that was an obvious, negative comment on my chosen faith. The monitors removed that pic so I wasn't being oversensitive.

Right now I have all of 11 friends. Trying to think back I believe I've unfriended probably 30 or more. It's nothing personal. It's just that not everyone can be, or should be expected to be, a good match. It isn't personal. It's life! Just as in life you meet people that seem like they could become a friend and then you realize it just isn't going to work. But in real life you don't put a name to it and you don't have to do anything to stop the connection. In real life you just stop inviting them and stop accepting their invitations. You kind of drift apart. At this site you have to unfriend. Remember, it's nothing personal. Keep looking here and you will eventually find other members where you will make a connection. It takes time and a lot of trial and error. No worries.

animemoon5

Perhaps you are right on the labeling, and perhaps it is more of "Followers" Than friends. I may have had the entirely wrong impression when I joined this site, For the majority of my time here I was kind of doing my own thing and hadn't invited friends until later, and when I did, I was under the impression that "Friends" meant just that, and the entire point/purpose was some sort of buddy/support system. I guess I just had the wrong idea...

I'm inclined to disagree with your statement about it being the internet, and little chance of actually making "Friends" on a site like this... I am not able to get out and about much, and truthfully some of the people most important to me started out as nothing more than random people I spoke with online or played games with, never having met them in person, a large portion of them soon became people who were very near and dear to me...

Actually maybe it's because I can't leave the house much and my social life depends on the internet, but it feels as if almost everyone I speak with, here or any other social site are people who are important to me, and my thoughts and best wishes go out to every one of them, I'm always grateful to have the chance to meet and speak with so many in my situation...

I do understand what you mean by beating a dead horse, yes there is only so much you can do for a person, and sometimes watching them go down a self-destructive path can be pointless and stressful, when there's nothing you can say that will help and it only ends up bringing you down, I can totally see wanting to throw your arms in the air and giving up then.....

I don't know, maybe it's the lack of courtesy, maybe I'm frustrated because it's like the internet can act as some sort of veil, where we don't have to answer to anyone, we can say, or do things, or just end up dropping the other person without ever worrying about seeing the person again, I guess something about it just makes me think, you know if this were any other situation, this wouldn't be acceptable... An explanation or something wouldn't hurt.....

But again maybe I probably have the entirely wrong idea here.... Also what comes to mind are real-life weight loss and support groups, places like weight watchers or curves, it's similar to here, points are counted, people weigh in weekly, people socialize, talk and share, but also they support eachother, and I cannot imagine anyone in a group such as that doing something like that either, I kind of saw this as an online alternative to such groups...

But then let me ask, if it's nothing more than "Following" and not personal, then why have the friends? For insincere pats on the back, or someone to just agree with all you say? how is that helpful? For the ideas or advice? But that is what we have the forums for.... If it's nothing personal, then why have friends instead of just talking on the forums?