Heroin Recovery

jeninabilan

Hey guys,

I know this isn't really the site for this, but I love MFP and all of my friends on here have been truly amazing and supportive, so here goes nothing..

My boyfriend is wonderful and amazing and someone I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. We have known each other and been really close friends for 16 years. He was my jr high/high school sweetheart and we just recently reconnected again on that level. He was a drug addict for 10 years, heroin being his most recent vice. He is trying to get his life on track and uses me as his motivation a lot, but also has other things that drive him. He has such great vision for his life and wants to help so many people. He is still in the beginning stages of recovery and I'm scared that he's using again.

We are in a long distance relationship right now, but he is moving here early January. But all of the sudden he is nervous to come here and wants to push the date back a week. I know he's mentioned how it takes about a week to fully detox from heroin and I'm just scared, sad and heartbroken. His phone calls are getting further in between, we still talk every night, but I know the people he hangs out with and they are trouble.. I want to be there for him and do whatever is takes, but I'm scared. I know heroin is one of the most overdosed drugs and every day I'm afraid of losing him

Has anyone gone through this before?

whierd

My sister is a recovering heroin addict. She has been clean for about 10 months now and is doing great. Unfortunately it was a very rocky road to get to where she is at now and it took her hitting rock bottom, losing her baby, for her to get her act together.

I'm sorry, but "a week to detox" isn't going to cut it. This man needs to be completely clean for a year to be at a point where he can give anything to you relationship-wise. I know that you love him, but as an addict, he is going to lie to you constantly, make promises he can't keep, and take advantage of you to further his habit.

I'm not implying he is a bad guy, but that is just what the addict mind does to a person. If you love him, encourage him to seek counseling and check into rehab. Methadone therapy is another thing to look into. It has been key to my sisters recovery.

jeninabilan

Thanks for your response. That is really great advice and I know you're right.. It sucks and it hurts and I don't want to lose him He knows it will be a long road to recovery, the only reason I said the "week to detox" thing is because he doesn't want me to see him during that time, but he is planning to seek help when he gets here because he will be away from his friends and that circle of people. So in a way, he associates being with me with recovery, which is why i feel like he's pushing me away right now, or at least saying he needs more time before he can see me.

That is great about your sister and I hope and pray that she continues down that road, that is very very wonderful and it's great to see that there are people recovering out there. so THANK YOU

He is a great person, but you're right.. I realize that he loves me but I also realize that I will never be as strong as any addictiton and I can't try to compete with it. I'm just trying to be supportive and be there for him.

So thank you again

NaomiJFoster

My sister is 5 years clean. She made the rounds between cocaine, meth, prescription pain killers, heroin, and meth again for a grand total of 25 years. The last stint with meth lasted 7 years. Now she's clean. She basically works at AA and has a paying job at a transitional home for women. She lives The Program now. It's a constant struggle for her. One that she is happy to be able to manage now. But it is hard, and setbacks are always waiting to be stumbled upon.

You want to support him, you love him, and you want to be there for him. And he does need that. But those of us on the 'outside' aren't really what the addict needs. His best chance to maintain a healthy life is to get into a Program and find a Sponsor. Support from those who 'have been there' makes a world of difference for addicts.

As for you...please don't lose yourself in is sickness. You love him, I understand. But if the worst of your fears turns out to be true, please think of yourself as much as you are thinking about him.

whierd

Thanks for your response. That is really great advice and I know you're right.. It sucks and it hurts and I don't want to lose him He knows it will be a long road to recovery, the only reason I said the "week to detox" thing is because he doesn't want me to see him during that time, but he is planning to seek help when he gets here because he will be away from his friends and that circle of people. So in a way, he associates being with me with recovery, which is why i feel like he's pushing me away right now, or at least saying he needs more time before he can see me.

That is great about your sister and I hope and pray that she continues down that road, that is very very wonderful and it's great to see that there are people recovering out there. so THANK YOU

He is a great person, but you're right.. I realize that he loves me but I also realize that I will never be as strong as any addictiton and I can't try to compete with it. I'm just trying to be supportive and be there for him.

So thank you again

You're welcome. It is hard to see loved ones going through that, especially since we truly can't understand what is going through their minds. Lying and stealing are a way of life for addicts, so trust is a hard thing to keep. If you want my honest advice, I would say just stay friends with him until he proves he is managing his addiction. This includes not having sex with him. This is for your safety more than anything. Heroin use involves dirty needles and you don't want to catch an STD because your heart was in the right place but your mind wasn't.

kgb6days

I'm a recovering person of 22 years. It is never a good idea - NEVER - to get into a relationship without at least a year clean time under your belt. I know that is hard to hear, but not as hard as living with and loving an active addict. I know what we do to a person's life - we wreck it. If you really love him, let him get clean for a year where he is. Geographical change doesn't fix anything. There are drug dealers everywhere. In the meantime, get into Naranon or Alanon for you. Get support for you and knowledge for you. Once you both have your own recovery program firmly set there may be a chance you can have a successful relationship. Anything else is a recipe for disaster - already walked that road and it was not good. Good luck to you. I really am pulling for both of you

MemphisKitten

As a recovering addict, he is probably using again, or in extreme withdrawal. The chances of him coming off of heroin and staying off by himself are so slim. It's not a good idea for you or him to be in a relationship right now; you can't save him.

whierd

Oh, and just to add a horror story to the mix so you can understand a worse case type scenario. My sister was dating a fellow heroin addict while she was living with our mother. One day my mom came home, my sister was asleep (as is usual with heroin addicts), and the bathroom door was locked with the shower going. She figured the boyfriend was in the shower and let it be. An hour later, she was concerned at him not responding to her knocking at the door, forced the lock, and found him dead in the shower.

He had shot up before showering, it was a bad batch, he fell, was paralyzed from the drug, and drowned. That is not something you want to deal with.

MB_Positif

I have yet to encounter anyone in a dating relationship that began during early heroin recovery that made it. Not that it can't happen, but it is a VERY gripping drug. I wouldn't give him any kind of ultimatum or anything like that, but be sure to set up some boundaries should he actually decide to move back home. I hate to be a downer, but expect him to leave again at least once before he gets it together. My cousin went through this and after leaving home several times is now finally back and has been clean for about a year.

Diary_Queen

I must aree with Kgb6days. As an addict in recovery (9 years in February after 12 years of everything under the sun), sometimes even a year isn't enough. Physically, you can reorient your body with what it needs to survive, though there can still be drug, alcohol or general outlashing behavior... but mentally, it can be a battle for years. He may be a wonderful person, but he's a wonderful person who is an addict. That is nothing you can fix, change or do for him. If he doesn't do it on his own, it won't stick... and even if he DOES, there's still always the chance of relapse without a daily program. Sponsor, meetings, meditation, clean living in all spiritual and mental aspects. It, however, can be done. The part that stood out in the OP's info was that this person was relying on you for motivation/inspiration/what-have-you. This is the markings of co-dependency and as an addict, scares the bejeezus out of me.

Nettie96fb

The problem with methadone is it's swapping addiction for another

My sister is a recovering heroin addict. She has been clean for about 10 months now and is doing great. Unfortunately it was a very rocky road to get to where she is at now and it took her hitting rock bottom, losing her baby, for her to get her act together.

I'm sorry, but "a week to detox" isn't going to cut it. This man needs to be completely clean for a year to be at a point where he can give anything to you relationship-wise. I know that you love him, but as an addict, he is going to lie to you constantly, make promises he can't keep, and take advantage of you to further his habit.

I'm not implying he is a bad guy, but that is just what the addict mind does to a person. If you love him, encourage him to seek counseling and check into rehab. Methadone therapy is another thing to look into. It has been key to my sisters recovery.

petite_boleyn

I'm an addict in recovery myself, from many drugs, including heroin. I agree with the poster saying that a year should be his minimum for a relationship. If he is in a 12 step program, at the very least it will take him that long to develop a sense of self and personality and a life outside of the drugs on his own. Bringing someone into the mix just complicates things. I've been single for a year, clean for almost a month now and I have no intention of putting some poor guy through what you're having to deal with right now.

claritarejoice

I have dealt with close loved ones and addiction and I agree with the other responses. It is one thing to support an addict while dating, but could you continue to deal with an addiction, the lies and lack of trust, for year after year of marriage? You don't want to do that to yourself. Of course he's not a bad person, but you also need to take care of yourself, and marrying an addict I promise will bring more heartache than you can imagine. Xoxo

MrsLehman24

It doesn't sound like a good idea for him to be moving closer to you because in your heart you know he is still using. This is a hard thing to kick and it has to come from him. No amount of love will save him. You can't save him... Only he can save him.

I think your heart is sweet. Never change that

Beautiful_Disaster108

I'm a recovering heroin addict and pretty much like everyone said its never good to be in a relationship with someone unless there like a year clean under their belt. There's a ton more to say but I don't like bring to public with all this but it is a bad idea trying to get into this unless he's completely clean. I was the best liar in the world I could tell anyone I was clean and kicked an they believed every word. I'm over a year and a half clean and still struggle the one and only reason I'm clean is cause of my daughter, no boyfriend,lover or family was better than my heroin only my child so in all honesty your not number 1 in his life his drug is no matter what you think. Not trying to be mean just trying to put you in the mind of an addict he probably isn't fully clean.

jeninabilan

I just want to say a deep THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart to EVERYONE who has taken the time to respond and shared your stories. You will never know how much that means to me.

I really appreciate everything everyone has been telling me and it is great to have a better understanding. I have been doing as much research as I can online regarding recovery, the 12 step program and what I can do as a loved one to help. I have known him since I was 9 and loved his since day one. I am the type of person who could never turn their back on anyone. I know this is very different in many ways, but I struggled with an eating disorder for 8 years and had so many people turn their back on me and give up on me. Some friends even told me that I was hopeless and they know that I'm going to die and they're just waiting for the call to tell them that I was gone. It was a very scary and very difficult time. I was in inpatient and outpatient recovery and hospitalized many times. I have been in recovery for 8 years and still struggle with it from time to time as well.. I know that I can't lose myself in his disease, but I do believe that love is selfless and does not give up. Love heals people and carries us through tough times. I'm not going to push or force him, but I do want him to know I'm always here for him.

We started talking about marriage and that was the one thing I told him I will not do.. I won't even talk or think about marriage or starting a family with him until we're a lot further down the recovery path. I have all the faith in the world in him and love him with all my heart. Somehow we'll get through this.. To the guy who suggested abstaining from sex, YES.. that has and will continue to happen. "Fortunately" he smokes it, not injects, so at least there are no dirty needles involved.

Again, thank you so so so much to everyone who has taken the time to respond. As naive and dumb as it might be, I'm not going anywhere. I told him we're a team and we're in this together. Only HE can make the decision to recover, but I'm gonna stick by his side every step of the way.

You guys are AMAZING! thank you

whierd

The problem with methadone is it's swapping addiction for another

I agree with you. Unfortunately willpower and rehab just were not working for her. Her most recent relapse, and the cause of her losing her daughter, were WHILE she was in rehab. She has done much better on methadone and will start the weaning process in another two months.

Oh, and I'm happy to report that she is now working full time, has her own place, and will be getting her daughter back permanently Jan 4th.

jeninabilan

The problem with methadone is it's swapping addiction for another

I agree with you. Unfortunately willpower and rehab just were not working for her. Her most recent relapse, and the cause of her losing her daughter, were WHILE she was in rehab. She has done much better on methadone and will start the weaning process in another two months.

Oh, and I'm happy to report that she is now working full time, has her own place, and will be getting her daughter back permanently Jan 4th.

a HUGE congratulations to her!!! That is VERY exciting!!!