Eating disorder?

Castine12

This "disorder" (I don't really like to think I have it) hurts me more emotionally than what I really express. My weight fluctuates ridiculously throughout the years. I'm 5'0" tall and just a year ago, I plateaued down to 85lbs, meaning that's the lowest I've ever weighed regardless of how much I tried starving myself - or maybe I just didn't try hard enough. Now I'm up to 110lbs. That's a 20lb weight gain. It's healthy for my height, but I don't know why that I want to weight less. I regularly eat 800-1200 calories a day and run around 15-20 miles/week. I am seeing progress after recently weighing my highest a few weeks back at 118lbs, but the numbers I see on the scale scare me. Not only do I count my calories, I count the weight of the food because if I want to lose weight, I can't go over a certain limit. By that, my limit is no more than 450 grams of food per day, which is about 1lb.

I over think about food so much to a point that I will eventually go on a binge...and then throw it up. It's hard to throw up sometimes, so I use laxatives as backup. I am really good at being a mindful eater, but I just wish I didn't think about food as much as I need to. My motto is to ONLY eat when you're hungry. I'm hardly ever hungry though. I just like to eat and think about food all the time. I do engage in a very busy lifestyle to avoid being bored and thinking about food, but my mind always finds a way to make me think about it...

I just wish I didn't. Does anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? My goal is to weigh 100lbs. It's still under healthy weight range.

Barbellerella

I'm sorry that you are going through this sweetie. You really really really need to seek professional help though. There are people that can help you.

meeka472

My suggestion would be for you to talk to a health professional about your issue.

PikaKnight

What the others have said..Seek professional help as soon as possible. I hope that things get better soon.

billsica

You sound like you have an ED. Please go get some help from a doctor or anyone. There are some fantastic recovering ED folks on here that are just amazing. You will be shocked what you can look like after you forget about the scale and concentrate on health

RockstarPunch

Im not going to put a label on you or diagnose you because things tend to get worse when you start owning dysfunction. So i would suggest that you maybe explore the root of why you love and hate food simultaneously. What will the 100lb weigh in do for you? Will you be happy and be able to rest and tap out of the restriction or will it be constant fear of staying 100. Usually what we as people think the problem is,its usually just a symptom out of many symptoms we are unaware of. do some soul searching. Make an appointment at your local church ( i know that Parish priests' are available for free of you need to talk) sometimes the issue will "word vomit" out sometimes. Hit up your local library do some research on EDs, look at some self help and self love books, journal and get your feelings out* Find the root. I will pray for you because its a tough journey but its a journey that can be done you just have to WANT to heal and its tough, but its worth it, and then you pass on the blessing of being delivered from the symptoms of ED and the root of the issue:flowerforyou: There is hope and peace is a blessing

LetsMakeupXtina

I battled with an eating disorder in my late teens... and while I still have some tendencies of it now and again I can honestly say that with the help of inpatient and outpatient care I have not starved myself in 8 years. With that said... professional help can and does help!! Also, IMO, a site like this can be triggering and worsen your ED... it's a site based around counting calories, dieting, etc... and if I was on a site like this back then it would have definitely triggered me and made me obsess more... truly hope you get the help you need

cheerchicksie

I've (almost) kinda gone through the same thing, minus binge-purge cycle...I know how it feels. it's really hard to "force" the numbers down to where they should go, now matter how hard I tried to restrict them. I guess what I did, was I tried to remember that weight gain is sometimes through muscle...like you said that you run 15-20 miles a week, your body will probably build muscle from that so your weight numbers will naturally go up from that. but it doesn't necessarily mean "fatter"
I know it's tough, just hang in there!

stacylperry

My heart goes out to you ! Your story reminds me of mine when I was VERY young !
The road youre on is a very unhealthy one, trust me. And I swore to myself never ever
lose control ~ but years later "my control" backfired!

Please seek help from a professional, somene you trust and feel comfortable with.
Please understand that a NUMBER doesnt make you beautiful, a number on a scale can change
from day to day. Dont base your self worth on that number.

I really hope you believe me when I tell you, Ive been there ~ Done that...
Now MY problem is the opposit BECAUSE I DIDNT DEAL WITH MY FOOD ISSUES AND SELF IMAGE
when I was young like you ....
Dont end up older and starting over ... GET SOME HELP NOW !!!

lwagnitz

Im not going to put a label on you or diagnose you because things tend to get worse when you start owning dysfunction. So i would suggest that you maybe explore the root of why you love and hate food simultaneously. What will the 100lb weigh in do for you? Will you be happy and be able to rest and tap out of the restriction or will it be constant fear of staying 100. Usually what we as people think the problem is,its usually just a symptom out of many symptoms we are unaware of. do some soul searching. Make an appointment at your local church ( i know that Parish priests' are available for free of you need to talk) sometimes the issue will "word vomit" out sometimes. Hit up your local library do some research on EDs, look at some self help and self love books, journal and get your feelings out* Find the root. I will pray for you because its a tough journey but its a journey that can be done you just have to WANT to heal and its tough, but its worth it, and then you pass on the blessing of being delivered from the symptoms of ED and the root of the issue:flowerforyou: There is hope and peace is a blessing

:noway: :grumble: :explode:

No you didn't.

MemphisKitten

People are very unforgiving of EDs on here hun. It would be best to talk to your doctor or a counselor. :flowerforyou:

vim_n_vigor

I'm sorry you are going through this. I really hope you seek out professional help.

monjacq1964

You need to find a therapist specializing in eating disorders, preferably one who uses cognitive behavioural therapy. You will kill yourself if you keep up this very dangerous behaviour.

rebeccap13

Seek professional help. Its hard to do on your own. It may take a bit to find someone that has the right approach for you but it can definitely help.

If you add friends on here, I will suggest a couple parameters:

1) people who have never struggled with EDs and have a healthy relationship with food and fitness*
2) people who are completely recovered and have a healthy relationship with food and fitness
3) people who are actively and fully devoted to recovery and developing a healthy relationship with food and fitness

There are many EDers on this site who while they claim they want to recover they are very opposed to any advice or healthy support other than receiving "atta girls" for eating too little or working out too much. Surround yourself with people who are strong that you strive to be like, that positive influence will be such a big help through all of this.

Best of luck to you, you can do this.

ETA: *there are people on here who are very supportive of recovering EDers, I have quite a few on my list. They may never have had one or have very limited experience with them but they are still great people who set a fantastic example of the end goal, being healthy so that you can have a full life.

amanda_gent

Just chiming in -- you don't have to label yourself but you seem to want a better relationship with food/your body. I recovered from anorexia/bulimarexia and you can too.

Seek professional help, please.

lwagnitz

Seek professional help. Its hard to do on your own. It may take a bit to find someone that has the right approach for you but it can definitely help.

If you add friends on here, I will suggest a couple parameters:

1) people who have never struggled with EDs and have a healthy relationship with food and fitness*
2) people who are completely recovered and have a healthy relationship with food and fitness
3) people who are actively and fully devoted to recovery and developing a healthy relationship with food and fitness

There are many EDers on this site who while they claim they want to recover they are very opposed to any advice or healthy support other than receiving "atta girls" for eating too little or working out too much. Surround yourself with people who are strong that you strive to be like, that positive influence will be such a big help through all of this.

Best of luck to you, you can do this.

ETA: *there are people on here who are very supportive of recovering EDers, I have quite a few on my list. They may never have had one or have very limited experience with them but they are still great people who set a fantastic example of the end goal, being healthy so that you can have a full life.

Perfectly said

NikkiSixGuns

I agree with everyone that has said to seek help from a professional. ED's are serious, and you need someone who knows how to help you.

In the meantime, don't believe that you're any less valuable than anyone else because you struggle with an ED. Some people may try to give you crap for it, but don't buy it.