I feel so pathetic.

olivetree_

I just need to rant to someone because I can't deal with people I know in real life looking at me like a psycho.

I've been crying since I got home at around 9:30 PM and it's now 1:48 AM. I went out with a friend I haven't seen in months today and I had fun. We went to to the mall and I had a smoothie and Chinese food and I was fine with it. Then we went to her house and I ate literally like 7 ****ing marshmallows dipped in nutella which was so ****ing dumb. Then we decided to see a movie so we went to Walmart so buy snacks instead of buying from the theatre and I bought m&ms and ****ing coffee crisp bites and we went to Tim Horton's too and I got a ****ING Caramel Iced Capp with whipped cream and then I ate so much ****ing chocolate during the movie. When I finally got home I got in this huge fight with my dumb *kitten* brother. He and I have never gotten along and I hate it because all my friends are best friends with their brothers and it sucks because I literally hate mine. His friends make fun of me and he just replies with "lol" and never stands up for me. He calls me annoying and over sensitive and a baby and says I don't have a life and I need to go out more and maybe if I went to parties I would have more friends. I was so mad at him and I was crying so much so I stupidly ate more ****ing chocolate. Now I feel so gross and I'm waiting for my mom to start her exercise so that her music will be loud and I can go ****ing throw up in the bathroom. I've been crying for hours and I'm just so mad at myself and everyone and I'm so stressed out.

I really just don't want to be alive anymore. I'm graduating from high school this year and my diploma exams are worth 50% of my grade and I currently only have 50s in 3 out of 4 of my classes which means I'm probably going to just barely pass those classes with 50s or I"m going to fail which scares me. I know people are going to tell me things like "death is permanent" "death isn't the answer" "you can get help" "school isn't everything" "your brother loves you deep down" "it's okay to go overboard sometimes" but it's not. My stomach looks like I'm 12 months pregnant and I have like 700 chins right now and I look so ugly and stupid and I'm so tired of everything.

Everybody already has a date for grad except for me and nobody wants to go with me anyway and I know that sounds so ****ing immature and like it's not even a big deal but it feels like absolute **** knowing that everybody is getting asked, some more than once, but nobody is even considering you because you're too ****ing ugly and fat. I'm supposed to get my dress measurements done tomorrow and my mom said that since she's paying I have to do it tomorrow because she doesn't want to wait forever. I'm so ****ing EXTRA fat right now. I just want more time to lose ****ing weight like before so that I'm not a size 900.

I'm just so sad and tired of everything I don't want to die but at the same time I do because I'm so sick of my life and all this bull**** and crying all the time and my friends looking at me like I'm some over emotional kid with issues I just want everything to stop and if I was dead I wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. I've also finally decided to go back to eating <400 calories a day.

I know this whole post sounds so superficial and I'm sorry. I just don't know what to do because my mom is taking so ****ing long to start her exercise and I can't go purge and it's making me cry and the fact that I hate my brother as much as I do is making me cry and worrying about only having a week left of break before I go back to 4 ****ing final assessments and 2 unit tests and 2 weeks before my diploma exams and having to really ****ing study even though I'm probably going to fail and disappoint everyone and being so fat and ugly that nobody wants to be seen with me at grad and knowing that if I get my measurements done tomorrow being this fat they're going to whisper about how huge I am to each other and I can't ****ing do this anymore.

Prahasaurus

I strongly recommend speaking to a psychologist or a counselor. You've highlighted a lot of issues in this post, all of which need to be worked through with a competent professional. Please.

My guess is that your overeating is a symptom of these other issues, and until you feel comfortable with yourself and your life, you're going to have difficulties managing your diet.

Good luck.

--P

axialmeow

PLEASE talk to your mom about getting some help. I know you think "parents just don't get it" but yeah, they do get it. It's what they are there for. To help you. Please talk with her, be honest about how you are feeling. There IS help out there for everything you are going through. *hugs*

Sorry about your brother. I honestly do not know one teen girl who is "best friends" with their brother. And his friends probably make fun of you because they think you are cute.

olivetree_

PLEASE talk to your mom about getting some help. I know you think "parents just don't get it" but yeah, they do get it. It's what they are there for. To help you. Please talk with her, be honest about how you are feeling. There IS help out there for everything you are going through. *hugs*

Sorry about your brother. I honestly do not know one teen girl who is "best friends" with their brother. And his friends probably make fun of you because they think you are cute.

They don't think I'm cute though. They "pity" my brother for having such a "loser" sister and for having to live with me.

kemdawson

I just replied to another msg about depression (BorderlineAngel).....please read it. Lots of good ideas by others were presented through that thread also which you may get some ideas and help from. Not meaning or wanting to be rude, but I see only negative, self-loathing thoughts and statements, which is only exacerbating your situation. Tell yourself to "STOP" out loud when you realize you are spiralling out of control into this state of depression and anxiety. And stop the purging now or your teeth will eventually start rotting away with receding gum tissue. You definitely don't want that either.

olivetree_

I just replied to another msg about depression (BorderlineAngel).....please read it. Lots of good ideas by others were presented through that thread also which you may get some ideas and help from. Not meaning or wanting to be rude, but I see only negative, self-loathing thoughts and statements, which is only exacerbating your situation. Tell yourself to "STOP" out loud when you realize you are spiralling out of control into this state of depression and anxiety. And stop the purging now or your teeth will eventually start rotting away with receding gum tissue. You definitely don't want that either.

Haven't purged in like 4 months. And before that I hadn't purged in like 3 months. My teeth are okay.

melaniecheeks

That's a positive! Well done on bringing your purging under control - you don't want to let that success go, and you don't need to purge tonight, no matter how bad your evening was.

Some things you can control, and some you cant. Sadly, your brother and his friends are in those things that you can't change - the only thing you can change is your response to him and them. Best thing would be to shrug it off and concentrate on yourself, but I do know that's easier said than done.

Today414

Here's the deal. Stop. Just stop now. Stop, breathe, and calm yourself down. Listen to me, I could have written what you wrote when I was younger. Hell, I probably did almost word for word. Realize that your reaction to these situations are not typical. Even for a teenager. Realize that you're in the right place. I look back on pictures of myself when I was "SO FAT" in high school and WISH more than anything I could be that size again. Don't be me. Keep your head up. Keep your priorities in check and CALM DOWN. Think about the next logical step. Think of the solution, not the problem. You're here... that's a start. That's an AWESOME start. Ignore other people. Find out what you like and don't like about yourself and focus on those things. Because you're the only person who can change YOU. YOU have that power and no one else done. So if there's something you don't like... don't sit there feeling helpless. Take control. Take the power away from your emotions and fix it. That's all.