Dating - Resentment

treagal

Something I have been thinking about....

I am a single mom of a 5 year old, my ex left me for someone else when our son was 7 months old. It took me a long time to get over it. I dated a bit but was attracting the wrong type of guys and I kept telling myself I shouldn't date until I am happy with myself (which I believe to be true). I don't want to be single forever, dating time is coming.

I know this is it for me. I know that this time, (after trying hundreds of other times) I am going to lose this weight and will be successful in having a body and face that I am proud of. I am most of the package right now, but will be the whole package once I get my body back! Don't get me wrong, I am happy and like myself even with the extra weight...but I don't want to be overweight forever and I knew that this wasn't forever, it was just until I could get everything else back together, now it is my turn to focus on me.

I have a fear, I fear that I might actually attract a guy and when I do I am going to ask him this "why didn't you like me when I was fat?". Why didn't any of you like me when I was fat? It makes me sad to think this way but it's hard for me not to? (I won't actually ask him that, I will just think it and internalize the resentment)

elyelyse

I have a fear, I fear that I might actually attract a guy and when I do I am going to ask him this "why didn't you like me when I was fat?". Why didn't any of you like me when I was fat? It makes me sad to think this way but it's hard for me not to? (I won't actually ask him that, I will just think it and internalize the resentment)

maybe... it wasn't all about the fat? when we aren't happy with ourselves, people can tell, and it's not an attractive quality to most. So, while you think your fat was making you unattractive, maybe it was really your low energy level, your lack of self-confidence, etc; all the personality traits that come along with being unhappy with ourselves.

and sure, for some (many) men, extra weight is a deal-breaker, butI think most of us have some deal-breakers when it comes to the physical traits of a potential partner. either you will have to accept that your dates might not have chosen you if you were heavier, or you have to seek out dates for whom that isn't a top priority.

StacyPhillipsTSFLcoach

Just think of all the dreams you have been putting on hold until "you lose the weight".

Imagine what your life will be like when you allow yourself to be successful in that area? Sky is the limit!

But you've got to stop holding yourself back. And also start allowing OTHER dreams to creep in, because the weight thing...YOU GOT THIS!!!

BrotherBill913

About 20 yrs ago when my now ex was pregnant I gained a bunch of "sympathy weight" lol during her prenancy then after. About 3 yrs later I worked hard and lost it all between Christmas and Easter. I mean I went alllll out gonzo to do it. One thing I found that Spring was how ppl who were my so called friends treated me differently then. I did'nt care for it. I believe you are the same person inside all the time. Your morals, values and belief system shold'nt be affected by a scale. Neither should how others accept you for who you are. If a guy likes you he's gonna like you for you. If he could'nt accept you at your not so best then he does'nt deserve you at your finest. You'll get there, good luck

nellyett

Like someone else just posted, it's not because you will have lost weight that someone is attracted to, it will be your confidence, positive attitude, and zest for life that you project when you feel good about yourself and have pride in accomplishing your goals.

People naturally want to be with other people who are happy, energetic and love life. When you feel down about yourself, or self conscious, or negative, it's just too much negative energy to deal with, and naturally just drift away from that. I am a 'second time arounder' myself and spent a good year after my separation figuring out who I really was, what I really wanted to do with my life and creating a path towards those goals. I had a two year old at the time and vowed to CHOOSE to be with someone who compliments my life, not complicates it because I was just fine on my own.

It's was very liberating and now am in a wonderful relationship being ME and living the life I want to live. Has nothing to do with my weight at all....btw I gained 100 lbs with my pregnancy and the only reason I believe that I couldn't lose the last 30 lbs at the time was because I was so unhappy in my marriage. once I made the decision to live my life the way I should have been living, everything else fell into place, including my weight!

Good luck on starting your new chapter!!

treagal

Thanks, some good ideas for me to think about.

LoraF83

I have a fear, I fear that I might actually attract a guy and when I do I am going to ask him this "why didn't you like me when I was fat?". Why didn't any of you like me when I was fat? It makes me sad to think this way but it's hard for me not to? (I won't actually ask him that, I will just think it and internalize the resentment)

maybe... it wasn't all about the fat? when we aren't happy with ourselves, people can tell, and it's not an attractive quality to most. So, while you think your fat was making you unattractive, maybe it was really your low energy level, your lack of self-confidence, etc; all the personality traits that come along with being unhappy with ourselves.

and sure, for some (many) men, extra weight is a deal-breaker, butI think most of us have some deal-breakers when it comes to the physical traits of a potential partner. either you will have to accept that your dates might not have chosen you if you were heavier, or you have to seek out dates for whom that isn't a top priority.

This.

And why is it so bad that someone isn't attracted to "fat"?

Honestly, I couldn't look at someone that was very overweight and say "They aren't attractive to me, but I'm going to over look that and make myself get attracted to them anyway because they are nice". It just doesn't work that way. People have personal preferences and there's nothing wrong with that.

bigfatbino

Same as above, it was probably the your attitude with the "weight" being almost an extraneous factor.

If you carry negativity around, once you lose the weight, it'll just be something else.. Would you date me if I didn't have a kid, if I made more money, if I made less money, if I liked football, if I was even skinnier, younger, etc the list goes on ad eternium.

If some guy isn't into you after a few dates, just accept it and move on to the next one.

kr1stadee

What if you met a person who didn't know you before the weight loss? Will those insecurities still be there?

SmilesIowa

I have thought the same thing before. Hopefully I'll get to see what happens at that point! I say we lose the weight and then worry

dantrick

Maybe I am the only one who thinks like this, BUT.. Looks play an integral part in dating. Even in the animal kingdom, you will find birds that have bright feathers to attract a partner. Ask yourself honestly, when was the last time you went into a bar saw a huge man slobbering all over himself in the corner, and said to yourself "I bet he has a great personality"? It's nothing personal, it's just how we are built. You shouldn't resent someone for liking the new you, you worked for it and are getting results from the hard work. Did you only exercise and slim up just to be more healthy? I know I didn't I wanted to be more attractive as well. I am not going to place blame on someone else because they didn't like the fat me. Hell, I didn't like the fat me.

Let the flaming begin!

RoadsterGirlie

Maybe I am the only one who thinks like this, BUT.. Looks play an integral part in dating. Even in the animal kingdom, you will find birds that have bright feathers to attract a partner. Ask yourself honestly, when was the last time you went into a bar saw a huge man slobbering all over himself in the corner, and said to yourself "I bet he has a great personality"? It's nothing personal, it's just how we are built. You shouldn't resent someone for liking the new you, you worked for it and are getting results from the hard work. Did you only exercise and slim up just to be more healthy? I know I didn't I wanted to be more attractive as well. I am not going to place blame on someone else because they didn't like the fat me. Hell, I didn't like the fat me.

Let the flaming begin!

No flames here! In my previous marriage, my ex husband gained about 100 lbs due to overeating and depression. I'd be lying if I said it didn't hurt our relationship.

MemphisKitten

Fat is taboo in our society. And guys suck anyway. JK Good luck in the New Year with your goals and ambitions!! :drinker:

Built_Strong

I agree with dantrick 100%! I want to get out dating but I dont want to do it fat. Why?? I would NEVER want to be with someone who's attracted to a fat woman. I know it sounds just horrible but it's how I feel. I feel this way because I look at fat people [me] as being sick and I cant imagine why anyone would want to be with a sick person. Again, these are all of my own hangups. If you like big women - good for you, just dont hit on this one!

I'd love to meet someone after I transform myself and hopefully someone with the same interests in fitness as I've developed over the past year. Hopefully a weightlifter

RoadsterGirlie

I agree with dantrick 100%! I want to get out dating but I dont want to do it fat. Why?? I would NEVER want to be with someone who's attracted to a fat woman. I know it sounds just horrible but it's how I feel. I feel this way because I look at fat people [me] as being sick and I cant imagine why anyone would want to be with a sick person. Again, these are all of my own hangups. If you like big women - good for you, just dont hit on this one!

I'd love to meet someone after I transform myself and hopefully someone with the same interests in fitness as I've developed over the past year. Hopefully a weightlifter

While I hate to see people get down on themselves, I can see you have a deep commitment to what you want to achieve. You have exactly the right attitude, and I know you will be successful in meeting your goals. Congrats on getting this far!

penrbrown

I struggle with this too.

I will be the same person after weight loss that I am now. Unfortunately the fact that the more weight I lose the more male attention I get does lead me to believe that I really am only as good as I 'look'. Who I am matters very little. How I look matters a lot.

And it's no wonder we have so many people with body image issues... amongst other things.

RoadsterGirlie

Men are visual creatures. For that matter, so am I. It's nothing to get worked up about.

whitneyps7

I have a fear, I fear that I might actually attract a guy and when I do I am going to ask him this "why didn't you like me when I was fat?". Why didn't any of you like me when I was fat? It makes me sad to think this way but it's hard for me not to? (I won't actually ask him that, I will just think it and internalize the resentment)

maybe... it wasn't all about the fat? when we aren't happy with ourselves, people can tell, and it's not an attractive quality to most. So, while you think your fat was making you unattractive, maybe it was really your low energy level, your lack of self-confidence, etc; all the personality traits that come along with being unhappy with ourselves.

and sure, for some (many) men, extra weight is a deal-breaker, butI think most of us have some deal-breakers when it comes to the physical traits of a potential partner. either you will have to accept that your dates might not have chosen you if you were heavier, or you have to seek out dates for whom that isn't a top priority.

^^this. ppl can sense if we have a high self confidnse level. ppl are attracted to ppl who think they are hot and dnt care to let everyone know it.

KaydeForce

Maybe people here are talking about two different things: Dating/hooking up and having a serious relationship... Of you're looking for someone to show off at a business event or to hook up with a couple of times, looks are what matters most obviously. If you're looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with, looks very quickly become secondary (or SHOULD).

To those who say they would never be with someone who is not skinny or who wants to be with someone who is not skinny: What if your body changes during the course of your relationship? Would you get divorced? What if you gain weight due to pregnancy or a medical condition? Do you want your husband to divorce you? Would that be okay? What if you gained weight simply because you ate too much or stopped exercising? Divorce? What if you have an accident and your body/face doesn't look the same - which makes you feel less attractive. Would this be a reason for divorce? Once you fell in love with somebody, built a life together, have a family, a home etc. - would things like that really matter that much?

I had some rough times relationship-wise this year. Maybe I'm expecting too much good of ordinary men...

MinMin97

You are presuming upon their thoughts and motivations.

Emma_Problema

I agree with dantrick 100%! I want to get out dating but I dont want to do it fat. Why?? I would NEVER want to be with someone who's attracted to a fat woman. I know it sounds just horrible but it's how I feel. I feel this way because I look at fat people [me] as being sick and I cant imagine why anyone would want to be with a sick person. Again, these are all of my own hangups. If you like big women - good for you, just dont hit on this one!

I'd love to meet someone after I transform myself and hopefully someone with the same interests in fitness as I've developed over the past year. Hopefully a weightlifter

Ehhhhh. Some men like thin women, some men like heavier women. It's all about preference. By saying you don't want a man who is attracted to heavier women, you're making it a value judgement. You are worth less so you don't want a man that would want a body you don't consider valuable. And that's really sad to me.

Don't get me wrong. I've been the same way. I had an ex that had a bit of a fetish for porn involving rapid weight gain and I can't say that didn't make me feel bad even though at my highest weight I've only been a bit chubby. Also, that didn't make him any less of a wonderful person. People are attracted to what they're attracted to. My current boyfriend is a sexual sadist and to him pain looks beautiful. But it doesn't make him any less of a person. He's still caring and brilliant and kind to me. People have value outside of their sexual preferences.

But although we are part of the animal kingdom, we aren't animals. We don't choose our partners solely on how they look. So yes, while it makes sense that you won't be hit on by so many men at a bar because all they'd have to go on would be how you look, I'd be pretty pissed if a male friend all of a sudden was interested in me after I lost weight.

I think for me it's important to realize that I have a body but I AM NOT my body.