Need help getting through to a negative person...

AuntieKT

Happy New Year everyone! I have an issue that I thought maybe someone would have an idea for me that I haven't thought of. I have a person in my life that is overweight and VERY unhappy about it. She also has really low self esteem in general and just looks at herself as an utter failure. After several comments about how much she wished that she could lose weight like me, I offered to help her. After attempting to give her some advice and set up some goals and a plan for her, she still is not doing very well mentally. She tells me that she needs instant gratification and needs to see results right away in order for her to stay motivated enough to keep going. She tells me that NOTHING works for her. Two days ago, I thought we were moving in the right direction when she told me that she got on the scale and it said that she had lost seven pounds and that she felt great! Today however when she got back on it said that she had regained those seven pounds. I tried to tell her that the scale lies sometimes. That she needs to weigh herself under the same conditions every time (she has not done this). I tried telling her that she needs to change her attitude and realize that this process takes time and that it will be SO worth it in the end. She keeps telling me that that is easy for me to say because I have already lost the weight and that I am more motivated than she will ever be. I told her that it is NOT easy for me to say. That I worked at it harder than anything I have ever done in my whole life and that if she wanted to make a change, she has to be willing to put in the effort. I have offered to come to her house on a regular basis and go grocery shopping, cook, and workout with her. I have offered to have her email me her food and exercise everyday, so that I can offer any suggestions for improvement, and she is not interested in that. I would just write her off as not ready and let it go, but she is so depressed and has had a history of self harming tendencies. She has also had several people close to her take their own lives. I am worried about her. I don't know what to do. I feel like everything I say just falls on deaf ears and she just does not believe that she can do this, so why try. Can anyone think of ANYTHING I can say or do for her that might get through to her? If she ever did something to herself and I just stopped trying to help her and wrote her off as a lost cause, I would never be able to forgive myself...

now_or_never13

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do.

If she was motivated enough she would keep going regardless what the scale says. She needs to get herself motivated.

I would imagine all you can do is help her. Have dinner with her and have her help cook healthy foods. Invite her to go for a walk, bike ride, swim, invite her along to the gym if you go, dance class, etc.

If she needs instant results to be motivated than she isn't doing it for her. Maybe explain to her that even though results may not be seen right away when they are seen it is great satisfaction knowing that you pushed through and did it.

If she has mental issues (I'm guessing depression) she needs to speak with someone. She needs to combat that first as no matter her size depression and mental illness will only make it worse. Does she have anyone to speak to? Has she gone to a doctor?

WickedPixie1

Sounds like you've done pretty much everything you could except go over and wipe her *kitten* for her.
She obviously isn't ready or willing to put the effort in, and you can't force her. I don't know anyone who would offer to help me out the way you offered to help her...even to the point of going to her house and helping her out there!

As for the self harming...do NOT feel guilty for that. You are NOT responsible for her or the choices she makes. She chooses to shovel crap into her mouth...I'll bet you don't feel guilt over that and you shouldn't. HER CHOICE.
You are responsible only for yourself. It's one thing to be a friend, it's another to be a crutch or an excuse.

If she isn't willing to make the effort, take the help or educate herself, I'd just back off from her...how far is up to you.
She needs to understand it takes time to get into the state she's in, therefore it will take time to get out of it and that there is no such thing as instant gratification.
Some people just do not want to accept responsibility for themselves...it's easier to blame things on others or lay burdens on them.

Sorry this probably isn't what you were looking for. Sometimes you just need to focus more on you and less on others who aren't even trying to help themselves.

AuntieKT

Unfortunately there isn't much you can do.

If she was motivated enough she would keep going regardless what the scale says. She needs to get herself motivated.

I would imagine all you can do is help her. Have dinner with her and have her help cook healthy foods. Invite her to go for a walk, bike ride, swim, invite her along to the gym if you go, dance class, etc.

If she needs instant results to be motivated than she isn't doing it for her. Maybe explain to her that even though results may not be seen right away when they are seen it is great satisfaction knowing that you pushed through and did it.

If she has mental issues (I'm guessing depression) she needs to speak with someone. She needs to combat that first as no matter her size depression and mental illness will only make it worse. Does she have anyone to speak to? Has she gone to a doctor?

Sadly, she lives over two hours away from me, so inviting her to participate in my daily activities just isn't in the cards. Thanks for the response. It at least makes me feel like someone is listening and that I am doing the best I can. I have tried telling her that it won't be instant and that she needs to just enjoy the knowledge and pride that she has done everything she can one day at a time. That she needs to enjoy being able to put her head on her pillow at the end of the day knowing she did a good job. Unfortunately, that hasn't seemed to sink in either...

Greenrun99

People maybe saying they want to lose weight, but until they put in the time and dedication to actually do it.. and realize that instant results aren't realistic, they will just quit.. You will see this a ton in the coming weeks with people and their New Years Resolution to lose 20lbs.. they will be in the gym for 2 months, and quit cause they didn't get a 6 pack, or aren't ripped or lost their 20lbs. Unrealistic goals.

weird_me2

As much as you want to help, all of your enthusiasm and offers for help may actually be making her feel worse about her situation. After all, if you can do it, she must be a loser if she can't do it, too, right? (Not saying that's how anyone else thinks, but if that's her perception of the situation, that's her reality.) I would not focus on the eating right or grocery shopping or anything else right now. Sometimes the smallest steps are the best ones.

I would help her focus on where she wants to be a year from now and help her try to get past her need for instant gratification. I started last year with a goal to weigh myself every single morning no matter what, even if I knew I'd be up. It really helped me break the struggle I've had with getting frustrated at not getting fast results. It also helped me focus on where I want to be and to really accept that I'd rather be losing 1/2 lb or 1 lb a week or even maintaining than gaining. It worked because I started this year much lighter than I did last year (and the many years previous), even though I pretty much only maintained the last 3 months of the year. Maybe you can encourage her weigh in every day first thing in the morning and record her weight (tell her to weigh in first thing in the morning after using the restroom and do it naked if she feels like it.) If she can do this, hopefully it'll help her get over her scale frustrations. If she tries this for a while (at least 6 weeks) and hasn't adapted, then maybe move on to not weighing at all but doing measurements instead.

Other than that, why not just encourage her to set exercise goals and rewards instead of weight loss goals. In my experience, when I'm moving more, I feel better about myself no matter what the scale says. If she is up for it and has the funds, help her set an easy goal and a good reward. My first goal/reward was to just exercise at least 20 minutes a day 20 days of the month. My reward was $100 to spend on whatever I wanted. It worked for me and got me moving more and more. Then I upped my goal to 30 minutes a day, then I changed it again to burn so many calories a month, which comes out to be about 3-5 hours a week of exercise depending on intensity.

AuntieKT

Sounds like you've done pretty much everything you could except go over and wipe her *kitten* for her.
She obviously isn't ready or willing to put the effort in, and you can't force her. I don't know anyone who would offer to help me out the way you offered to help her...even to the point of going to her house and helping her out there!

As for the self harming...do NOT feel guilty for that. You are NOT responsible for her or the choices she makes. She chooses to shovel crap into her mouth...I'll bet you don't feel guilt over that and you shouldn't. HER CHOICE.
You are responsible only for yourself. It's one thing to be a friend, it's another to be a crutch or an excuse.

If she isn't willing to make the effort, take the help or educate herself, I'd just back off from her...how far is up to you.
She needs to understand it takes time to get into the state she's in, therefore it will take time to get out of it and that there is no such thing as instant gratification.
Some people just do not want to accept responsibility for themselves...it's easier to blame things on others or lay burdens on them.

Sorry this probably isn't what you were looking for. Sometimes you just need to focus more on you and less on others who aren't even trying to help themselves.

No, this has helped me out a lot! It at least makes me feel like I am doing everything I can and that I am not a bad person if I just have to take a step back and wait for if and when she is ready. Thanks a lot for all of your advice!

AuntieKT

As much as you want to help, all of your enthusiasm and offers for help may actually be making her feel worse about her situation. After all, if you can do it, she must be a loser if she can't do it, too, right? (Not saying that's how anyone else thinks, but if that's her perception of the situation, that's her reality.) I would not focus on the eating right or grocery shopping or anything else right now. Sometimes the smallest steps are the best ones.

I would help her focus on where she wants to be a year from now and help her try to get past her need for instant gratification. I started last year with a goal to weigh myself every single morning no matter what, even if I knew I'd be up. It really helped me break the struggle I've had with getting frustrated at not getting fast results. It also helped me focus on where I want to be and to really accept that I'd rather be losing 1/2 lb or 1 lb a week or even maintaining than gaining. It worked because I started this year much lighter than I did last year (and the many years previous), even though I pretty much only maintained the last 3 months of the year. Maybe you can encourage her weigh in every day first thing in the morning and record her weight (tell her to weigh in first thing in the morning after using the restroom and do it naked if she feels like it.) If she can do this, hopefully it'll help her get over her scale frustrations. If she tries this for a while (at least 6 weeks) and hasn't adapted, then maybe move on to not weighing at all but doing measurements instead.

Other than that, why not just encourage her to set exercise goals and rewards instead of weight loss goals. In my experience, when I'm moving more, I feel better about myself no matter what the scale says. If she is up for it and has the funds, help her set an easy goal and a good reward. My first goal/reward was to just exercise at least 20 minutes a day 20 days of the month. My reward was $100 to spend on whatever I wanted. It worked for me and got me moving more and more. Then I upped my goal to 30 minutes a day, then I changed it again to burn so many calories a month, which comes out to be about 3-5 hours a week of exercise depending on intensity.

These are GREAT ideas and just what I was looking for! I am definitely going to try some of these and see if they don't make a difference in her attitude. Thank you SO much for your response!