Don't want to lose my best friend (unhealthy)

samntha14

My best friend in the entire world lives 2000 miles from me, and lately I wish I was next door so I could help take care of her and support her in person, or maybe to smack some sense into her lol. Lately, she has had one medical issue after another. She has RA and fibromyalgia, and was recently diagnosed with A-Fib of the heart. She is overweight, doesn't have a very good diet, and eats out constantly. She also has been sick lately and is having trouble recovering and let's just add a breast biopsy to the list. She just turned 40 and is way too unhealthy for her age. I want to say, "STOP!! lose weight, eat better get some exercise for crying out loud," but don't feel it would be constructive. What can I recommend that would be helpful for someone with her current array of conditions? I swear, if she keeps going like this, she'll be dead of a heart attack or stroke in 10 years or less.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Yeah don't. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome and my absolute biggest pet peeve is people suggesting all the things I can do to cure myself. Hint: there's nothing I can do to cure myself. Hopefully she has a good doctor who will tell her what she should and should not do. With RA only some kinds of exercise are ok anyway and fibro comes with absolutely bone-crushing fatigue. Since you can't understand what it's like, she's not likely to take kindly to you telling her what she ought to be doing about it.

Be a good influence by talking about what you're doing for your health, and be a good friend by just being supportive.

kevinrbarger

Yeah don't. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome and my absolute biggest pet peeve is people suggesting all the things I can do to cure myself. Hint: there's nothing I can do to cure myself. Hopefully she has a good doctor who will tell her what she should and should not do. With RA only some kinds of exercise are ok anyway and fibro comes with absolutely bone-crushing fatigue. Since you can't understand what it's like, she's not likely to take kindly to you telling her what she ought to be doing about it.

Be a good influence by talking about what you're doing for your health, and be a good friend by just being supportive.

I don't have anything to add to this, I just wanted to say that this is A++ advice.

tolsons3

I agree with the other two posts - it is impossible to really understand what she is going through. Just as a guess, she already knows everything that you want to tell her. Just be there for her - even if it is just to listen without judging.

ravenchick

Agree with all of the above ^^

portergolf

Yeah don't. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome and my absolute biggest pet peeve is people suggesting all the things I can do to cure myself. Hint: there's nothing I can do to cure myself. Hopefully she has a good doctor who will tell her what she should and should not do. With RA only some kinds of exercise are ok anyway and fibro comes with absolutely bone-crushing fatigue. Since you can't understand what it's like, she's not likely to take kindly to you telling her what she ought to be doing about it.

Be a good influence by talking about what you're doing for your health, and be a good friend by just being supportive.

Since you are in a similar boat perhaps you could share your experience on how you have lost your weight and she can share it with her friend. It looks like you have had some pretty good success.

Best of luck with your friend,

rhonda4444

I do think some conditions can be improved by a better and more healthy diet and regular exercies BUT I do agree with the other MFP advisors. Even if diet and exercise could improve her condition some, she will need to be at a place in her life to make the changes. If she is not there she will feel judged and may stop confiding in you. Any of us have to be at a point to want to change and then it is still VERY HARD! I have a friend who is my age (50ish) and is barely able to walk due to her weight. He doctor told he that losing weight will help her condition but she refuses this advice and says that her weight has nothing to do with her physical limitations. This is called denial. So neither I nor any of our mutual friends say anything as it will just cause a rift.

ILiftHeavyAcrylics

Yeah don't. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome and my absolute biggest pet peeve is people suggesting all the things I can do to cure myself. Hint: there's nothing I can do to cure myself. Hopefully she has a good doctor who will tell her what she should and should not do. With RA only some kinds of exercise are ok anyway and fibro comes with absolutely bone-crushing fatigue. Since you can't understand what it's like, she's not likely to take kindly to you telling her what she ought to be doing about it.

Be a good influence by talking about what you're doing for your health, and be a good friend by just being supportive.

Since you are in a similar boat perhaps you could share your experience on how you have lost your weight and she can share it with her friend. It looks like you have had some pretty good success.

Best of luck with your friend,

I log my food. That's really it. I also walk and do pilates, but I don't burn a huge amount of calories doing that. In the beginning I wasn't allowed to do anything but walk so that's what I did.

You might mention to your friend, OP, if she wonders about exercise, that pilates/yoga is good for muscle pain. But I wasn't allowed to do it at first because of my joints, so she's going to want to check with a doctor either way.

kdeaux1959

Perhaps just share with her the things you are doing and be a positive role model for her; honestly, most of us knew we were unhealthy for years and did nothing about it.. .until WE were ready. As for specifics of what she can do.. that depends on the experts responsible for her care.

elyelyse

If you have spoken to her and she doesn't want to hear it then yeah, unfortunately there isn't much else you can do.
If you haven't spoken to her about it yet, I don't see anything wrong with expressing that you are worried about her. You can tell her how much support and success you have found here on MFP, you can tell her that she doesn't have to make crazy big changes right away, that its ok to take baby steps (every little change counts!), and that if she ever decides she's ready to make changes, you are there for her.
I find that any type of pressure immediately turns people off, but a "hey I am worried about you, and I'm here if you want help" reminds someone that you love them, puts the control in their own hands... and that is more powerful.

soonergirl03

I have lupus and take lots of steriods I gainned alot of weight from the drugs I take, or use to take I stopped them 5 years ago because I wanted a baby and since then I had 2 babies. I knew I needed to lose weight 90 pounds to be exact and it didn't matter what people said to me, doctors or my family I didnt want to. Back in April I was going to have surgery and my EKG came back abnormal so now I have to see a cardioloigst every 6 months because I found out my heart has a leaky valve not bad enough to where I need surgery but this doctor scared me, he told me that my daughter who was 5 months old at the time would probally only get 10-15 years with me because of my weight and this heart problem I would only have 10-20 years, that was enough for me I went home and cleaned out the fridge and pantry and threw away all the junk food, I started the next day counting calories here on MFP and going to the gym. I have now lost 51 pounds but of course gained 6 back at Christmas. My doctor told me the only thing I could do would be swim in the pool, I'm showing them all wrong because I want to be here for my kids and husband. Yes there are some days that I'm really tired and can't do much and everyday I hurt especially after going the gym but nothing that 2 Aleve can't fix. I'm very blessed that my lupus isn't as severe as others but I have decided I'm in control of my life and health and I'm not going to let my lupus ruin my life. My house is usally messy everyday because I go to the gym in the mornings when I have the most energy so after that I'm out of energy, but what I'm trying to say is its not really going to matter what you say to your friend because she probally already knows she needs to lose weight she will have to do it when she is good ready. Also when I'm hurting the most I really want my comfort food so I'm having to learn to have low calorie comfort foods. I go back in July and will have more heart test done again I'm praying that with the weight loss the leaky valve will have improved some.

dvisser1

Perhaps just share with her the things you are doing and be a positive role model for her; honestly, most of us knew we were unhealthy for years and did nothing about it.. .until WE were ready. As for specifics of what she can do.. that depends on the experts responsible for her care.

Unfortunately this is absolutely true. All you can do is talk to her about what you are doing to improve your health, show her how easy (relatively speaking) it has been for you and try your best to motivate her. The reality is that no matter what you say or do, this process of changing your life to be healthy won't work if it doesn't matter to her. You have to want the change to put in the effort to make the change, regardless of how small the changes or efforts are.

cuterbee

My best friend lives about that far away, and has for many years. We try to support each other over the miles, though.

Many people who have fibromyalgia benefit from moist heat; she might feel better after sitting in a heated whirlpool.

If she were my friend, I'd state this and offer to pay for a few months at her local YMCA/YWCA, just for the sauna and whirlpool (It's cheaper than once a month at a spa!) . If she feels like she just doesn't have the energy, I'd leave the offer open.

If she takes you up on it, she may find she wants to participate in other things (like yoga or water aerobics) after awhile.

fIashforward

Don't say anything.

It will come across as mean or preachy.

Put it this way, I wouldn't like someone telling me I'm unhealthy. I know it myself, and I'm sure she does too.

dawningr

the only thing that would do is alienate her. When she's ready, she will do it on her own.

samntha14

Yeah don't. I have lupus, fibromyalgia, and chronic fatigue syndrome and my absolute biggest pet peeve is people suggesting all the things I can do to cure myself. Hint: there's nothing I can do to cure myself. Hopefully she has a good doctor who will tell her what she should and should not do. With RA only some kinds of exercise are ok anyway and fibro comes with absolutely bone-crushing fatigue. Since you can't understand what it's like, she's not likely to take kindly to you telling her what she ought to be doing about it.

Be a good influence by talking about what you're doing for your health, and be a good friend by just being supportive.

which is exactly why I haven't said anything. I'm trying to be sensitive to the pain I know she feels, but I selfishly want to keep her around a few extra years

samntha14

Thanks everyone! I KNOW she can't do anything like I've done. I was healthy enough and strong enough for exercise. Her body could never handle it especially with the fibro. Her doctor has recommended walking and swimming, but well she still has excuses. I'm leaving it alone for now. Her husband is equally unhealthy and is gaining weight steadily but right now they are both suffering physically and are enabling each other. I love them both, but they'll have to make changes when they're ready. I feel better just being able to say it out loud even if I know I can't say it to her. I just keep telling her I love her and that I want to keep her around a few more years