On The Brink Of Tears

kit1986

I'm a fairly emotional person in general and I do on occasion for no apparent reason just break down into tears for a few minutes than continue on with my day as if nothing has happened.

Since last night I've literally been on the brink of tears to the point that when I'm alone I would actually tear up; even writing this is causing me to get a little teary. It's a bit hard for me to break down as I'm currently at work but yet still find myself alone on occasion and away I nearly go.

Only this time there was a trigger...I met a guy on an online dating site and we have been talking/flirting for a while. Then without any warning he just stops. It literally went from a day of chatting and flirting to a day of nothing and when I do talk to him I'm getting a strong impression that he doesn't want to talk (i.e. short/non committal answers, distracted to the point where he asked the same question three times in succession in three different ways etc). So last night I asked him straight out if everything was ok and his response was 'very busy'.

'Very Busy' COME ON!!! If you don't want to talk to me anymore...TELL ME. I'm not going to throw a tantrum and harass you with messages. How am I supposed to know if something is wrong or if you don't want to continue the conversation IF YOU DON'T TELL ME....I'm not a freakin' mind reader and very much prefer to have it spelt out to me in black and white to avoid misinterpretations.

The sudden cessation of the conversation and the overall tone of them (like he's choosing his words carefully - no flirting etc). has flown me for a loop and what doesn't help is the fact that within hours of him starting to act the way he currently is he added a female to his friends on Facebook.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not saying that because he added a girl on Facebook that it means anything but apart of me just can't seem to get past the coincidence of it even though I'm probably grasping at straws. I have a way of thinking of the worst case scenario and going with it until the true scenario is revealed.

I feel like I'm going around in circles - my confidence and self esteem are near non existent as it is but when this happens (and it seems to happen a lot) I can't stop thinking to myself why I bother to put myself through this. I'm just getting tired of it. I barely grab a guy's attention as it is which in itself is exhausting.

I don't know why I decided to write this on the forums, I guess I needed to vent, rant and rave and possibly find someone who has been in a similar situation who can tell/assure me that I'm not alone.

My weight is a very big issue for me and I believe it is a major contributor to my relationships (or should I say lack of relationships).

Thank you giving me the chance to get at least some stuff off my chest...whether I like it or not I think I might need to go and have a little cry before it drives me insane.

Kate

JuroNemo14

I can't tell you that you shoudln't worry about( I'm a guy myself), but even though I am merely an 18 year old kid, I can state that there a quite a number of guys who are just jerks.

My advice: don't take it out on yourself. It's okay to feel sad once in a while, but I don't think it's your fault. If he doesn't feel like talking to you, there are always other people who are less anti-social .

Keep doing what you're doing

ChristyRunStarr

Don't give him another thought! (I know technically easier said than done) but you deserve better than him! dating is tough, online dating is even tougher. It took me years, more than 5 sites and who knows how many guys before I finally found the right one He didn't care that I was heavier, he cared about me. Yeah, it hurts, trust me I get it BUT you're stronger than you think. He's not right for you, so, move on. Give yourself some time (a pamper day/spa day, new clothes, etc) and before you know it, you'll find a guy that's worth your time and every time you talk, you'll both be flirting/talking all the time.

CA_Emily

He's not worth crying over. Would you really want to have a relationship with someone who is unable to clearly communicate their feelings? No. You deserve someone who is a good communicator and wouldn't just stop flirting, stop writing you as much, or act weird without telling you why.

Personally, I'm not even sure I'd want to be friends with someone who is a poor communicator. I like having friends I can actually talk to. I don't have friends who can't clearly communicate their feelings and needs with me.

There is someone out there for you better than this guy. Maybe you've already met him, but just don't realize it yet.

Maybe you haven't met him. Just think of that! There's some great guy out there right now just waiting to meet you! How exciting! Maybe 2013 will be the year you meet!

Don't let this guy ruin your day! Don't waste your tears! He is not worth your time! Get up! Go for a walk! Smile! Laugh! Have fun! If you must, write this guy a good bye letter (don't mail it though- tear it up and throw it away. Seems dorky, but I promise you'll feel better).

KenosFeoh

It's best to keep strangers on the internet at a distance; you never know who you're talking to.

My daughter chatted with a guy from an on-line dating service for a few weeks, and he invited her to meet him at a nice restaurant for a special dinner. She was ready to go, waiting for him to text her the address, and he texted her something like "Even you must realize that I am far out of your league. Did you really think I wanted to go out with somebody like you when I could have anybody I wanted , etc, etc; I never go out with less than a 10 and you're no better than a 4, blah-blah-blah" It could have really hurt her, but thank goodness it just made her angry.

There are some serious creeps out there.

amills1152

Don't let this guy be worth your tears - you just keep working and focusing on yourself. Treat yourself right and in no time, you won't feel too compelled to break down when others don't treat you the way they should - and of course just keep in mind some people are just jerks and that's THEIR problem, NOT yours - shrug that junk off and give them the big "whatevs" Chin up toots!

x_cinder_x

This sounds like it is more about confidence then weight.

http://www.wikihow.com/Build-Self-Confidence

complete with strange graphic cartoons, wth are up with those?

But really, people of all sizes have relationship issues. You are SO not alone. Sometimes nothing is more therapeutic then a good cry. I say let it all out when you get a chance and then move on.
Good luck!

Matilda444WECHANGED

Have a good cry.
Dry your tears.
Make it about YOU, not any man.

meshashesha2012

sorry you're having a tough time with this,
but seriously - and i do mean this in the best way possible - you really need to work on controlling your emotions rather than letting them control you. that never ends well.

you are crying over a stranger you've never met who was essentially just words on a screen. guys can smell those type of emotional issues from a mile away and the good ones, the ones that you'd want to build a relationship with, would not put up with that stuff.

my advice is to do whatever you need to do to get yourself together emotionally FIRST and then start thinking about dating.

also i'm :laugh: at the typical responses of people rationalizing this by saying this guy wasnt worth it anyway. sorry but telling women stuff like that misses the point that they will forever run into "guys who aren't worth their time' until they fix their emotional baggage.

sugarlips1980

Hey! Because he added a girl on Facebook means nothing! Could have been a co-worker, cousin etc etc. People generally don't always talk so directly by saying 'I don't want to talk to you again' (which is a good thing, I think? There's no need for us all going around being so rude!). But if you're getting a vibe that he's not that interested, then move on. Don't cry hun, as someone else said, you have to keep people on the net at a distance. I think you would really benefit from losing weight and getting into shape - it will be a major boost to your self-esteen. Focus on you! Also do some googling/buy a book about improving your self esteem. Catch yourself when you're thinking negative thoughts and try to replace them with positive thoughts. Write these positive thoughts on post it notes and put them somewhere you can see them (like your bathroom mirror). You don't have to be slim to have good self-esteem (look at Dawn French!). At remember 'fake it till you make it'!!

Bonnielil76

sorry you're having a tough time with this,
but seriously - and i do mean this in the best way possible - you really need to work on controlling your emotions rather than letting them control you. that never ends well.

you are crying over a stranger you've never met who was essentially just words on a screen. guys can smell those type of emotional issues from a mile away and the good ones, the ones that you'd want to build a relationship with, would not put up with that stuff.

my advice is to do whatever you need to do to get yourself together emotionally FIRST and then start thinking about dating.

also i'm :laugh: at the typical responses of people rationalizing this by saying this guy wasnt worth it anyway. sorry but telling women stuff like that misses the point that they will forever run into "guys who aren't worth their time' until they fix their emotional baggage.

AMEN!

jillica

First of all... ((((BIG HUG)))).

Secondly, emotions can get the best of us.

Thirdly, when they say "Im Busy", you say "See Ya"! Don't waste your time. And he isn't going to spell it out more for you because he's going to keep you on his hook as long as he can. "Unfriend" him on facebook, too! That will drive you crazy.

I feel like I'm going around in circles - my confidence and self esteem are near non existent as it is...

Take care of you! Surround yourself with positive people and learn to love yourself. In my opinion, my friends with low self esteem ended up with selfish jerks & users. Value yourself. And "unfriend" him on facebook - he's not your friend.

Mlkmaid

There are too many guys out there and you're an attractive girl. You are getting yourself invested in him too quickly which is a sign of insecurity. He may be sensing this and shutting down. I've lived a long time (I'm 56) and have never met a guy who liked clingy, insecure girls. You are very young and should be focusing on YOU. You have literally DECADES to find a guy. And do you really want to find him on the internet? LOL. With regard to the "close to tears" behavior - think about it: you're not reaching for food to calm your emotions so it's coming out in other ways. I know since I've started this program I've even caught myself getting rattled. I'm not reaching for the chips, cookies, etc. to make myself feel better so I've had moments where I do feel "off balance". A BOY YOU BARELY KNOW IS NOT WORTH ALL THIS B.S.!!!!!

Nicki_101

First instincts tend to be right.

healthyformeanMona

Rejection, even perceived rejection hurts! And our imaginations, (at least mine is) are good at conjuring up the worst case scenario, and taking the blame for it. Here's the thing, you will have the same issues with relationships when you are as thin as you want to be, unless you get to like yourself and love yourself from the inside out. I don't know you, but I guarantee you are a worthwhile, valuable person, because every single one of us human beings are. That is the beauty of taking responsibility for our own health and contentment. You took a big step by posting on MFP. Good job! Hang in there, this too shall pass.

quirkytizzy

sorry you're having a tough time with this,
but seriously - and i do mean this in the best way possible - you really need to work on controlling your emotions rather than letting them control you. that never ends well.

you are crying over a stranger you've never met who was essentially just words on a screen. guys can smell those type of emotional issues from a mile away and the good ones, the ones that you'd want to build a relationship with, would not put up with that stuff.

my advice is to do whatever you need to do to get yourself together emotionally FIRST and then start thinking about dating.

also i'm :laugh: at the typical responses of people rationalizing this by saying this guy wasnt worth it anyway. sorry but telling women stuff like that misses the point that they will forever run into "guys who aren't worth their time' until they fix their emotional baggage.

Without the laughing, but......this.

I get getting really wrapped up in people I don't (or barely) know. I can make myself nearly sick with worry and frantic insecurity. When we're lonely, without a lot of real-life connections or our ability to make connections is stunted (mine sure as hell), then online jumps excite us. They seem like the answer and we focus everything onto that tiny, small point. But that only drives us insane and them away.

It's not productive. And it sounds like you have an idea of that, so that's a good first step.

lveh8lve

First off, he is a guy. They aren't exactly known for being in touch with their feelings. My advice to you would be to work on yourself more first before dating. You need to love yourself before you love someone else. Maybe he is just busy. If you are an extremely emotional person, maybe you should talk to your GYN, you may have a hormone issue. I have my few days of emotional usually every 28 days!!! But mine go away. Seriously, you are worth it, but the rollercoaster is not good for you!! It's too much stress on anyone!!!

I just got thrown back into the dating world after a five year relationship because he "didn't love me anymore" without even trying to make things better he just ended. Worse instead of him being straight with me he took 6 months where he needed to think about things. Seriously?? I started with the online dating sites, but I don't think I'm ready and sometimes I wont respond to perfectly nice guys. Nothing about them, it's mostly me.

kit1986

Thank you so very much for all your responses.

I really appreciate all of you taking the time to read and respond to my post

There are two things that I will be taking from your responses:

Firstly, kicking this guy to the kerb...I know that my insecurities do get the best of me and though I wouldn't say I'm clingy I have no doubt that he is aware of my lack of confidence. I think I'm also realising that like 'Mlkmaid' said I was investing too much time in this guy and I think that it's safe to say that I was 'settling' on him. I deserve the best not just the available.

I chose the online dating option as I'm a rather reserved, shy person who on meeting new people doesn't say very much, by speaking online I can get to know people so when the meeting comes I'm more comfortable around them. I'm also not much of a social butterfly (which I'm sure has to do with my lack of self esteem and body image issues) so again the online dating was a no brainer for me.

The second thing that I will be taking from your responses is that I need to focus on me, after all I can't expect to be loved by someone if I'm unable to love myself. I realise that I've been putting pressure on myself to be in a relationship and that because I wasn't in one or couldn't manage to stay in one that there was something wrong with me.

I've just turned 26 so I wouldn't say that I've got decades to find a guy lol but I have to at least believe that waiting for the right one will be worth it in the long run. Though I've got to say that at times it's easier said than done.

Thank you so very much again for your responses

Kate

staciarose13

I know it's hard but you can't take stuff like this personally in the online dating world. Or in the dating world at general. I had issues with this, too. I had spent many many nights crying over the exact thing you are. I always thought guys didn't like me because of my size. I work at our state fair every year and this past summer I observed all the couples that went through... most of the women were bigger than me or way less good looking (altho I might be biased) and had nice sweet boyfriends. I was so baffled. Then it dawned on me, it has nothing to do with appearance. It's all about confidence!! After that, I committed myself to learning how to love myself. I gave up on guys and started minding my own business and now I'm with a GREAT guy! The funny thing is...I thought I would need to meet someone online because of my shyness...but I knew my boyfriend for 2 years before we started dating!

The point of this story is that you've gotta love yourself!!!!!!!!!!!! Love Yourself First and the Rest Will Follow!!!

FitnSassy

I don't think your weight is the issue. In my experience, most men are attracted to self confidence and self esteem, regardless of weight. Your admitted lack of both probably came across in your conversation. Be glad you got off so easy and didn't invest more time and emotion. He could have used you up and then become very busy. I suggest that you take some time and learn to relax and love yourself so that you feel worthy of guy who treats you the way you want to be treated.

nwon87

Hi Kate. I had issues like that before, except I've never tried online dating. I would go on blind dates with a guy, or meet one on my own, things would seem ok...then NOTHING. I was 250 lbs. I was positive my weight had something to do with it. Then one day, I was talking with my brother's best friend and he asked me "so when are we going to get the old Nicki back?" He had a point. I put on most of my weight because I had children, then when I left their father (he wrecked me emotionally) I put on more. I was less confident, less outgoing, because I didn't feel like I deserved great things...after all, I was made to think I was this horrible person, and on top of it I was now FAT.

After several dates that never went anywhere, I decided to give up and focus on me. Around that time, I picked up some crappy job as a ski lift operator at our local resort. I met my current boyfriend there. He asked me for my number. He asked me out on our first date. He wanted me even when I weighed 250 lbs. He was a nice, built 175. For almost 3 years now, he tells me everyday that I'm beautiful.

So I have 2 points.
1. Some guys are just shallow jerks, and the right guy is out there.
2. It isn't always a weight issue...we can fool ourselves into thinking things are fine, but people on the outside see more.

Being overweight takes its toll on people in different ways. My suggestion to you is that you just focus on your for a little while. Get back to what you love. Rediscover who you are, and who you can be. AND work on your weight loss. It's easier to be happy when you are comfortable in your own skin. Best of luck!