Need to get this off my chest

themutineer

I'm at work, having a particularly rough morning. I just need to vent.

ib4walloftext
ib4selfloathingrant

Cliffs:
Moved back home August 2012 after ending a 2 year relationship which I moved out of state for
In early 2010, partner pressured me to lose weight SW: 180 - by early 2012, I was down to 118. Size 10-12 to 0-2

After my decision to cut ties and move back home, I resolved to get into the best shape of my life for myself.
I ate cleaner and trained harder than ever before, only to see a gain of about 15 pounds from my August weight of 125.
So I'm currently near 140, finding that a lot of my clothes aren't fitting and I'm really discouraged.

I've tied so much of my self-worth and self-esteem into my physical appearance since being in such an unhealthy relationship that I've developed body dysmorphic disorder and bulimia.
I've seen a number of therapists and even spent some time in behavioral health centers, and although I feel like I can manage it better now that I'm not in the relationship, I'm finding myself getting really down lately.

It's so incredibly difficult, because I do everything I can to take ownership of my feelings and prevent this from happening. From exercising and eating right, to taking the most helpful vitamins and supplements, to journaling and reading self-help/psychology books, to continuing therapy and attending Co-Dependent's Anonymous meetings.

I'm young, and I've accomplished so much. I should think I'm awesome, or at the very least like myself.
Currently, all I can do is creep on my ex and his new girlfriend or play-thing or whatever she is - and feel like crap because she is nothing like what he demanded I be in the first place (she looks overweight, not particularly pretty, trashy, drug/alcohol abuse, etc.) All I can think is that I must be really horrid if he chose THAT over me.

I shouldn't care. I hate that I do. I should love myself more than to pay this any importance whatsoever.

/rant

djshari

I think that is something that all (or most) people go through. It is hard not to compare yourself even if you are over your ex! The only way I can get out of that kind of thinking is to distract myself... if I can't I let myself dwell on it for a few minutes and get mad/upset/etc so I can work through it and move onto something else.

morticiamom

He chose what he deserves. You chose to get free. You made the better choice. Quit creeping on him, he sounds like a bad Jerry Springer episode, and you don't want to watch that, it'll rot your brain.

Set yourself one goal that has nothing to do with your body -- a class to take, a skill to learn etc.

Then set one for your body that has nothing to do with your appearance or weight -- like a trail to hike, mountain to climb, weight to lift, race to run.

Then concentrate on those, and pretty soon you'll be feeling back in the groove, and when you think about your ex at all, you'll just think

"Holy mother of G*d, I'm glad I'm out of THAT mess."

territurner908347

You lost him but you are building muscle and that is awesome!

Do you feel firmer? Do you feel healthy? If so, good for you!

Now, I was recently dumped by a man who loved my smaller figure (at that time), and decided to go back to the wife who had asked him for a divorce (thus my dating him-should've waited until divorce final, I suppose). She is at least two of me. No exercise. Lazy- from the mouth of his kids. She didn't cook or even worry about their kids eating. Hated anything physical. Yet, that is who he chose.

We must love who we are. We must get to our happy place within ourselves. Happiness is based on no other person.

I am sorry you suffered emotional abuse by this man. No woman deserves that. I know it shapes your mind into negative things.

I am on the track to getting myself back to my "old" self. When I liked the way I looked. Keep up your journey and never forget that losing him will give you SO much more down the road.

Also, don't bother with keeping tabs on him. Block him from your phone, FB, whatever you have to do. I did and it helps cut the habit of looking for a missed call or text or message. Let it go. You are better than that.

You deserve the best. Forget the rest.

metaphoria

Sounds like he picked another girlfriend he could pressure and belittle. After you, he wasn't looking for the best he can get, he's looking for a victim. You grew put of it, and hopefully his new girlfriend will do the same thing.

cuterbee

People make stupid choices all the time...what makes you think this isn't a stupid choice on his part? Because it definitely sounds like he DID make an entirely stupid choice.

Plus, you should really be proud of yourself that you escaped someone who was so bad for you! It is VERY hard to cut those ties...a lot of people never manage it, yet you did!

Let go of this guy, and give your emotions a rest.

themutineer

A huge heartfelt thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and advice - I'm going to deactivate my social media accounts and try to spend more time doing things that benefit me rather than keeping tabs on him.

metaphoria

A huge heartfelt thanks to you all for your words of wisdom and advice - I'm going to deactivate my social media accounts and try to spend more time doing things that benefit me rather than keeping tabs on him.

Sounds like a plan. If you're like me, using networks to keep in touch long distance with family and friends, you may want to just pare down the friends list to the bare minimum of contacts. And really personalize the privacy and sharing settings. Activating for a few months may be a good, cleansing start.

fihealth

Sweetheart, people find it exhausting living up to the expectations of others. Life is so damn short, and you decide how you want to live it -- happy and healthy or not. I would bet my life on the fact that him picking someone unhealthy to be with is an extension of his low self esteem and issues, and that things became more strained between you two as you got healthier and more fit, because you both couldn't use that as an excuse anymore for what was wrong. Him making unhealthy choices now doesn't reflect on you whatsoever, it just demonstrates that while you've been working hard to grow and improve yourself, he's still running away from his issues with as many distractions as he can find. I feel badly for him. You need to let him go because you can't change him, fix him, getting him back won't actually make you happy, and you need to surround yourself with bright lights -- people who encourage you to be your best self, and love you unconditionally with your mistakes and challenges.

You're making great choices about continuing therapy, and pursuing better health nutritionally. Gaining weight isn't a sign of failure, it's life, and it's just one small period of your life. Now how do you want to spend the rest of it? Learn to love yourself, truly. Be good to yourself. Spoil yourself! Think of ways to pamper yourself. Figure out with your doctor, therapist, life coach, friends... better strategies for managing your emotions, time, and health. You can do this. But it has to all come from within you, you have to really believe you're worth it to make it happen. So start believing, lovely!!!! You're worth so much more than you currently realize!

Another thing that might help is to do some volunteer work to help other girls who struggle with eating disorders and body dysmorphia, or pick a charity.... there's something about helping others that makes us feel better about ourselves and helps to put our own struggles in perspective.

x

quirkytizzy

I think when we've gone through hardest things, we reach a point where the frustration of being strong enough to live through it becomes its own sort of frustration.

Somedays the hardest thing about recovery for me is knowing how far I've come and yet how far behind I still am. There are things I've conquered that kill people and yet I'm 31 and have no savings account, no home, no school degree, no many things that other people my age have. I have built unimaginable inner strength and yet still struggle to reconcile the benefits that has or has not brought. I've fought my way through death - but is merely being alive enough to count for recognition? I want it to be. I'm not always sure it does.

I just want to say I get this and thank you for writing it. It helps to see someone else out there, doing all the right things, and yet still hitting those hard feelings.

themutineer

Thanks... I deactivated/deleted all my profiles on social media sites... unfortunately, I don't possess the will power to leave it be and I've already found myself snooping around again. It's going to be a tough habit to break, for sure - but I'm going to take it one day at a time until I eventually it happens.

Per your recommendation, I made an application to be a Big Sister in my area - I think it would be really helpful, and I've volunteered with kids before (and loved it) so I hope I'm accepted soon.

I know that I shouldn't be so upset about seeing him with a new girl, especially when it's obvious he's just falling back into the same old destructive dynamic in that relationship and thus hasn't learned enough to grow or change from his past experiences. But my heart just breaks.

It kills me to see the pattern: She's quit smoking cigarettes, as he made me do - she's doing HIIT circuit training, as he recommended I do - they go hiking together like we used to and are even doing yoga together, something he always refused to do with me.

Yoga has been something really important to me, so that last one really hits home. It was the only one of my "workouts" that I actually enjoyed when I was initially trying to lose weight. It helped me through many tough times, and has even been a huge tool in my mental health recovery. I began my practice as a way to ease into a workout routine, but it became such a big part of my life that I actually began studying and received my 200 hour teaching certification last month through the Yoga Alliance. It was the one thing I could go to that kept me grounded during that entire period of time - and it feels like he's trying to take it away from me or belittle it and I just can't handle it whatsoever.

None of my feelings right now are very yogic.
He even uses the same terms of endearment towards her that I made up for him.
I have a lot of anger among a myriad of other feelings I just don't know what to do with anymore.

kvh_1fan

There is a lot of great advice here. I really like the suggestion to volunteer or take a class...something for yourself. Doing this will help you tremendously. Also, keeping away from the social media is key. You can't keep reminding yourself of all that crap.

After a break up, 'women heal and men ho' haha. Not trying to offend anyone and sorry if this does but it is true. You are still healing from this relationship that sounds like consumed your life at the time. This is going to take time but you will get through it and grow into a stronger person because of it. Everything happens for a reason and maybe being back home is exactly where you need to be right now. All the while he has just jumped right back into repeating the same situation he was in with you. Being in a relationship with a bully isn't a healthy relationship. You have more worth than that and deserve better.

Just continue to take care of yourself physically and mentally and you will be good!

PapaverSomniferum

Sounds like he picked another girlfriend he could pressure and belittle. After you, he wasn't looking for the best he can get, he's looking for a victim. You grew put of it, and hopefully his new girlfriend will do the same thing.

this

Copaiba

Sounds like he picked another girlfriend he could pressure and belittle. After you, he wasn't looking for the best he can get, he's looking for a victim. You grew put of it, and hopefully his new girlfriend will do the same thing.

Absolutely. Nothing ends a relationship faster than one partner getting healthy. Bleak but often true.

butterflyqueen1984

It takes time to get over these things. I was engaged, brought the wedding dress, paid for the church and reception then my ex just dumped me! Out of the blue 2 days after we had booked the reception. He told me he didn't want to get married or have a family and that he didn't love me, just like that! I was a 'big' girl then but in no way ugly everyone used to comment how well I could 'hide' my weight. Well 4 days after he split up with me he went on a date with another girl I was devastated and to make matters worse I was 'SOOO' much better looking than her (and that's saying something! As I don't think of myself in that way). I kept thinking why did he chose her over me, what have I done wrong. It took months for me to realise actually he was the one who had done wrong not me, I never cheated on him, he had cheated on me. He then went and got this girl pregnant (I believe she may have been pregnant when he broke up with me because it was sooooo quick) but he broke up with me because he didn't want to settle down, I call that karma. He had to then grow up and realise it's not about him any more. I mean he was that nasty that he broke up with me 5 days before my sisters wedding day (baring in mind that I was suppose to be getting married the year after) how cruel is that and so heart breaking. Couldn't of even waited until after the wedding day. THEN on the wedding day it's self I came back home to find he had took ALL of his things, so I came back to pure emptiness. The moral of this long story is that HE was the one in the wrong and not me. One day you will look back and think why was I even bothered about him he was not worth the hassle. Think about you now and you only because when the right time comes the love of your life will be there. If you ever need a chat or just to have a rant feel free to add me.

Sarah x

Soloflyergirl2

For what it's worth from a teacher: .... older...... Focus on yourself.... What makes you happy? We all know what makes you sad, but what makes you happy? Do you like fresh fruit.... or steamed vegetables??? or.... a delicious tea....??? Treat yourself like a queen. Love yourself.... and if you believe in a higher power... pray.... Eat healthy.... Pray... and you Love yourself.... Then.... look at your health and fitness goals.... Nowhere in here should you focus on the past.... or Mr. what's his name.... because.... right NOW.... it's all about you and keeping you HAPPY...... The chemicals of happiness ward off illnesses..... You want a strong immune system so that you can look as good as you want .. in a healthy manner..... and love again..... someone worthy of your greatness... Read this over a few times... every day....... The MFP people are very supportive and sincere... so take a few dozen of us here for support and you will find that mr. who's it.... will become a dim memory ....

wannalosew82

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Elma1975

I'm at work, having a particularly rough morning. I just need to vent.

ib4walloftext
ib4selfloathingrant

Cliffs:
Moved back home August 2012 after ending a 2 year relationship which I moved out of state for
In early 2010, partner pressured me to lose weight SW: 180 - by early 2012, I was down to 118. Size 10-12 to 0-2

After my decision to cut ties and move back home, I resolved to get into the best shape of my life for myself.
I ate cleaner and trained harder than ever before, only to see a gain of about 15 pounds from my August weight of 125.
So I'm currently near 140, finding that a lot of my clothes aren't fitting and I'm really discouraged.

I've tied so much of my self-worth and self-esteem into my physical appearance since being in such an unhealthy relationship that I've developed body dysmorphic disorder and bulimia.
I've seen a number of therapists and even spent some time in behavioral health centers, and although I feel like I can manage it better now that I'm not in the relationship, I'm finding myself getting really down lately.

It's so incredibly difficult, because I do everything I can to take ownership of my feelings and prevent this from happening. From exercising and eating right, to taking the most helpful vitamins and supplements, to journaling and reading self-help/psychology books, to continuing therapy and attending Co-Dependent's Anonymous meetings.

I'm young, and I've accomplished so much. I should think I'm awesome, or at the very least like myself.
Currently, all I can do is creep on my ex and his new girlfriend or play-thing or whatever she is - and feel like crap because she is nothing like what he demanded I be in the first place (she looks overweight, not particularly pretty, trashy, drug/alcohol abuse, etc.) All I can think is that I must be really horrid if he chose THAT over me.

I shouldn't care. I hate that I do. I should love myself more than to pay this any importance whatsoever.

/rant

((((Hug))))
Think about yourself, take care of yourself.
He isn´t worthy of you if he made you feel this horrible.
If it is any comfort then he I think he didn´t deserve you, you were too good for him and he probable dates her because he can´t get anything better and he probably knows it.
Let the past be a past and keep building yourself up

kuger4119

First, you look better at 140 than you did at 120. One thing that is very important is to find a weight that you feel comfortable living in......not some number on a scale.

Second, based on what you said......you broke it off with him. Maybe he realized that he was being a jerk and decided not to do it again. He may not be a horrible guy but just some guy who had screwed up principles. I've got a friend who blew it with several beautiful women when he was younger and is 47 years old and alone now.....but is actually a nice guy.

That doesn't mean that you should try to be back with him. The reality is that there is undoubtedly a great guy out there who is perfect for you. You just need to keep your eyes open and spend some time doing things that make you happy.

VictoriaWorksOut

Oh sweetie.... hugs....

First, from what you said about your ex, him "pressuring you to loose weight", he was good riddance. You did not loose him. You can't loose something that you don't have. you want a guy who is your best friend and who is with you because the way you are, not because he want you to be a certain way. Do not look back. You can't drive forward looking in your back view mirror. Your ex is out of your life and keep him there, even if he comes back crawling on his knees and teeth.... move forward. The best is in future, look towards it.

Second, take it easy. Give yourself a break. Don't beat yourself up over your weight. Go back to 3x per week exercising and then pick up some hobbies, that you enjoy. There is website meetup.com and you can search for interest groups in your town. There are all kinds of groups, from hiking and biking to book reading, and movies. Maybe try a new thing, new hobby.

Life is good and your future is wonderful. Please do not make your day and life sour by making wrong choices. Our choices determine our life. Start your day by choosing to be happy and love yourself. We might not be in control of what other people do, but we can control our choices, and that is really an awesome thing.

Hugs, and hope your day is turning around.

reneelee

Sounds like he picked another girlfriend he could pressure and belittle. After you, he wasn't looking for the best he can get, he's looking for a victim. You grew put of it, and hopefully his new girlfriend will do the same thing.

^^ AGREE!

msmil

Girl! Seriously!? Just go get a new dude! Hell, go get a few of them! And make sure they're really intimidating, like an MMA figher or in a motorcycle gang... I'm sorry, I'm kidding (mostly) and I don't mean to be brash, but I'm looking at this as a mid thirties, married, three kids who are all CRAZY (and wonderful) and my husband is a workaholic and I'm just a meager houswife so that is constantly being held over my head. I mean, I'm not complaining, I have it pretty good, but my years of being a hot commodity on the meat market are done and gone. At my peak I was a juicy, black angus filet, but 13 yrs and 3 kids later, I'm 80/20 ground chuck. Frozen. So I look at someone like you, and you're not stuck, you're just choosing to dwell on this. And I don't get it becuase you're so lovely, and smart, and you have your whole life ahead of you to live any way you want to, you are bound to absolutely nothing! So why do you pin your heart to this moron, who clearly has bad taste and women, and just is a jerk in general. I mean, really? WHO CARES what he's up to, go be you, go do your own thing. I just hope you realize how much you have going for you. You're the kind of chick I worry about my husband leaving me for one day.:noway: So, quit wasting your time cyberstalking your ex already. Put on your hooker boots and smash those boobies together and strut your ****. Bcz I tell you what... it will be gone in a flash.

wmoomoo

Don't compare yourself with anyone. You are beautiful the way you are. It's his lose for not treasuring you.

srcardinal10

To go along with your rant...

I'm pretty sure that my boyfriend of a year and three months and I are on the verge of breaking up and it is killing me. I moved away in August for a job and now we are in a long distance relationship. I'm only an hour and fifteen minutes away but that distance has really strained our relationship. I have done everything that I can to be a good gf. I am constantly driving to go see him and he has only been to where I live 4 times (two of which were to attend office functions with me). He says it's because he's busy (he has a few jobs and is starting up a business). I feel like he loves me but he isn't in love with me...and this comes from the fact that he never says, "I love you." I think I've heard it a handful of times but in response to me having already said it. We have been arguing and arguing for the last month (never had one fight while I lived in the same city) so this is unlike us. It always stems from the fact that I just want him to call me sometimes (which he never does...no I'm not exaggerating) and to come see me once and a while. Since he doesn't I call/text him and I'll admit, it's too much, but it's because he won't respond or call me back (like he says he will) so it's caused me to become insecure about the relationship...which doesn't help since I don't feel like he is in love with me. I don't know what to do because he is the best bf I've ever had...up until the last month/two. It just makes me feel like I'm not worth the little time/effort.

symkat

some people (men and women) will just never change. we all have handicaps some are physical, some are mental and some are emotional. it sounds like your ex has serious self eteem and control issues himself. there are alot of people out there who play it off like they are super self confidant but deep down they are very scared and very insecure. men like this will always pick a woman who they percieve as weak and they think that these woman are too undesireable to get anyone else so he doesn't have to worry about them leaving or cheating and they know that they can control these woman. they need to be in control because it makes them feel less scared. then they want to change these woman, thinking that even when the woman is all made over and looking hot she will still have the same crappy self esteem so she wont leave cuz she's still too insecure and unfortunately all too often he is right. it's the best of both worlds, he gets a super hot girlfriend with no self esteem so he doesn't have to worry about her leaving and he can still control her and treat her like dog poo under his feet. I would look at this breakup as a compliment. it just means that you have grown and are too secure in yourself for him to control anymore. the only thing that you should feel for him is pitty and for whoever this new victim of his is. he is not good enough for you, you deserve better. if I offered you a hundred dollars you would take it right? well if I ripped it in half would you still want it? of coarse you would. you would grab some tape and tape that **** back together lol. just because something is not perfect doesn't mean it's any less valuable. none of us are perfect and that is what makes us unique, interesting and fun. you can't get self esteem or self approval through someone else. it has to come from within. you can't love youself because other people do, you have to love yourself even if nobody else does. no matter what it is that you don't like about yourself there is always someone else who has the same problem only worse. if you met that person would you tell them they were ugly or fat or whatever? would you expect them to hate themselves or have a crappy life because of it? no. you would expect them to get over it and have a wonderful happy life so why are we always nicer to others than we are to ourselves? we should treat ourselves just as nicely as we treat the person we love the most like our best friend or our kids. I hope that you find your ultimate strength, the strength to love yourself no matter what anyone else thinks and to overlook you faults and flaws because we all have them. I hope you learn to love respect and forgive yourself because that is the happiest most free feeling in the world. good luck with your struggle and God bless.

KRobertson36

Sounds like he picked another girlfriend he could pressure and belittle. After you, he wasn't looking for the best he can get, he's looking for a victim. You grew put of it, and hopefully his new girlfriend will do the same thing.

Absolutely. Nothing ends a relationship faster than one partner getting healthy. Bleak but often true.

I hadn't thought about it like that but can see this now. Seeing my wife of 12 years left me for an old boyfriend. I understand where you are at...it is a great idea to get those people who love you around you and when you feel down listen to them because they love you regardless of what you think about yourself.

suelegal

Girl! Seriously!? Just go get a new dude! Hell, go get a few of them! And make sure they're really intimidating, like an MMA figher or in a motorcycle gang... I'm sorry, I'm kidding (mostly) and I don't mean to be brash, but I'm looking at this as a mid thirties, married, three kids who are all CRAZY (and wonderful) and my husband is a workaholic and I'm just a meager houswife so that is constantly being held over my head. I mean, I'm not complaining, I have it pretty good, but my years of being a hot commodity on the meat market are done and gone. At my peak I was a juicy, black angus filet, but 13 yrs and 3 kids later, I'm 80/20 ground chuck. Frozen. So I look at someone like you, and you're not stuck, you're just choosing to dwell on this. And I don't get it becuase you're so lovely, and smart, and you have your whole life ahead of you to live any way you want to, you are bound to absolutely nothing! So why do you pin your heart to this moron, who clearly has bad taste and women, and just is a jerk in general. I mean, really? WHO CARES what he's up to, go be you, go do your own thing. I just hope you realize how much you have going for you. You're the kind of chick I worry about my husband leaving me for one day.:noway: So, quit wasting your time cyberstalking your ex already. Put on your hooker boots and smash those boobies together and strut your ****. Bcz I tell you what... it will be gone in a flash.

Agree! You don't need to be looking at him, go look at the other ones out there. There are too many fish in the sea to be wasting your time with one that is swimming away from you. Go have a fling, or 2 or 6. You dont' have to even think about a serious relationship, just go have some fun!!!!! Life is too short. You can do it, I know, you just have do it!