Relationship dilemma all due to my weight

Options
1…2021232526

Replies

  • Nataliaho
    Nataliaho Posts: 878 Member
    Options
    Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.

    Did you miss the part where she is only 15lb overweight and is physically fit, wheras he is a skinny unfit smoker who might think about quitting when the time is right. This aint about concern for her health!

    Imagine if it was about money. I met a man that I got along with really well, but he had a job that didn't pay so well. It was a worthwhile vocation and he worked hard, but I always imagined my husband would earn as much money as me. Knowing that, I continue to date him allowing us to fall in love. However then I start making comments, that he should train up in something else, that I would be so much happier if he just earnt a little more money, that I have always preffered a successful man etc. I can't imagine anyone would say I was "just being honest" and that he should really just get his act together and get a better job....
  • meshashesha2012
    meshashesha2012 Posts: 8,326 Member
    Options
    Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.

    Did you miss the part where she is only 15lb overweight and is physically fit, wheras he is a skinny unfit smoker who might think about quitting when the time is right. This aint about concern for her health!

    Imagine if it was about money. I met a man that I got along with really well, but he had a job that didn't pay so well. It was a worthwhile vocation and he worked hard, but I always imagined my husband would earn as much money as me. Knowing that, I continue to date him allowing us to fall in love. However then I start making comments, that he should train up in something else, that I would be so much happier if he just earnt a little more money, that I have always preffered a successful man etc. I can't imagine anyone would say I was "just being honest" and that he should really just get his act together and get a better job....
    but what is your BF also wasnt happy with his financial situation?

    that would be a more appropriate analogy since the OP stated that he herself isn't 100% happy with how she looks.
  • Nataliaho
    Nataliaho Posts: 878 Member
    Options
    Men in general are more blunt and to the point in saying what they want. I would not assume that these comments are intended to hurt, demeaning, negative, etc. If he truly did not like you, he would not tell you his real feelings towards you and give you a chance to change (sounds bad). But like it or not, relationships are about compromise. BOTH parties must change a little. I suggest looking at his comments from a positive standpoint- he cares about your health. Get a little pissed off at his comments and use that energy to get focused on your diet. Your entire life will be better when you are in shape. Would you rather have a man that lies to you and tells you all good comments all of the time??? That is way worse. With truths, you can adapt. I have been with a lier/deceiver and I would much rather have the blunt truth.

    Did you miss the part where she is only 15lb overweight and is physically fit, wheras he is a skinny unfit smoker who might think about quitting when the time is right. This aint about concern for her health!

    Imagine if it was about money. I met a man that I got along with really well, but he had a job that didn't pay so well. It was a worthwhile vocation and he worked hard, but I always imagined my husband would earn as much money as me. Knowing that, I continue to date him allowing us to fall in love. However then I start making comments, that he should train up in something else, that I would be so much happier if he just earnt a little more money, that I have always preffered a successful man etc. I can't imagine anyone would say I was "just being honest" and that he should really just get his act together and get a better job....
    but what is your BF also wasnt happy with his financial situation?

    that would be a more appropriate analogy since the OP stated that he herself isn't 100% happy with how she looks.

    Sure fine, but I don't think it makes that big of a difference. The problem is making (whether deliberatly or not) the success of their relationship conditional on something that may or may not happen in the future. It's one thing to support someone in what they want to achieve, entirely another to hang your attraction on it... I just don't think that is productive for either party. Let's assume he is a nice guy, who loves her in every way, but isn't attracted to her. How is that good for him? Staying in a relationship in the hopes that something might change (whatever it is) rarely works.

    Now the reason I doubt the above is actually true of this guy is simply the fact that she has already lost considerable weight, she is already making changes... so what is the point of the hurtful comments? If he really loved her and it were only about his physical preferences, would he not just shutup and be patient? As it is, it appears that his comments are counterproductive, his comments have coincided with her gaining weight. So if nothing else he's totally unhelpful.
  • monicalosesweight
    monicalosesweight Posts: 1,173 Member
    Options
    Dump him! You're a wonderful, gorgeous person who deserves someone whose not going to demean you and make horrid comments about your weight. How dare he! I can't believe he would tell you he's not attracted to you physically. That man is NOT in love with you. True love means he would love you - not matter what weight - no what what problems come along. What's he going to do when you get older - complain that you need plastic surgery for a wrinkle or two AFTER you lose the weight. What's next on the agenda? Will he comment on your clothing? When do the criticisms stop?

    You deserve so much better! I would start anew and find yourself someone who will love you for you. This guy does not sound like Prince Charming - in fact, he sorta reminds me of that short prince from Shrek. I know if I dated someone and they started doing that to me weekly they'd themselves escorted to the door. I wouldn't put up with those types of comments - that's just downright mean and wrong.

    Monica
  • glitteredgrave
    glitteredgrave Posts: 194 Member
    Options
    Don't torture yourself and stay with a guy like that, please.
  • cboutin89
    cboutin89 Posts: 79 Member
    Options
    Hey there. Congrats on wanting to change and your new relationship. Your boyfriend should not be getting on your case about your weight, if he has an unhealthy habit of smoking. The fact that you guys hike and workout together should be enough. This may sound vague but its true a guy that really likes/loves you will find you attractive regardless fat or skinny. Since you struggled with self perception most of your life he should be trying to uplift you and make you love your self instead of the other way around. I think its funny that you said you were in better shape than him. You should kick his *kitten* in whatever physical sport/ activity to teach him a lesson lol. No man should call a woman fat period.
  • hsnider29
    hsnider29 Posts: 394 Member
    Options
    What if you lose the weight and are his ideal size but your body is still not attractive to him? We all have different bone structure, skin and body types. What if he isn't attracted to you even at a low weight?

    I don't think it is wise or healthy to begin a relationship in this manner. I would personally call it quits because it would be too stressful to live up to someone's expectations for that long.
  • theedge56
    theedge56 Posts: 64 Member
    Options
    He is an *kitten* run!
  • daisyjen10
    daisyjen10 Posts: 12
    Options
    I think I would suggest that you ask yourself why this is acceptable to you. You are complete package, and if he's busy pointing out the things he thinks are unaccepatble, there is probably someone else out there ready to tell you all the things that he finds wonderful about you. Even though you say everything else is wonderful, this is obviously bothering you enough to get external feedback.

    Think about this...when we hear something often enough, we tend to start believing it. Don't settle. There will be someone out there who loves you as a complete and total package. Just they way you deserve!

    I wish you all the best!
  • drojen
    drojen Posts: 203 Member
    Options
    He's being an absolute *kitten* about it. He either loves all of you or none of you. Kick him to the curb before he destroys your self esteem - eventually he will have you believing you are unworthy because you are heavier. He's being manipulative and cruel. No one deserves that. If it weren't this, it would be something else. He likes his women to feel inferior - and this could be just the tip of the iceberg...... What happens if you stay together, get married and then you get pregnant? Can't stay skinny when you're pregnant..... what's he going to say and do then? Nope, RUN, sister, run far and run fast......
  • MountainMoverJosh
    MountainMoverJosh Posts: 134
    Options
    Cmon yall, lets close this post out!!! 500, lets do it!
  • getupngo2013
    getupngo2013 Posts: 8 Member
    Options
    ShazM -

    I had a friend in a similar situation- a male friend. He was overweight and his girlfriend was really fit. She really liked him for who he was and because he also wanted to get healthier (on his own) she would invite him to jog with her- but she didn't complain or tell him she found him unattractive. She just supported him because she loved him for who he was. I think what your guy is doing is completely different-- He loves the rest of you, but hasn't accepted you as you are- which means you are not perfect in his eyes. Now, we know that no one is perfect- but don't you love an accept someone with all their faults? And in doing that- you don't remind them how some of these traits turn you off.

    In addition to that, if you spend the rest of your life with this person- you will always be wondering "what happens if I slip"? You will have that pressure of "will i be loved if I gain a few extra lbs?" And, as we all get older- things change and some of that is directly related to our weight and where it gets added to on our bodies is not always something we control but genetics. Plus, gravity takes over, too.

    I believe you can find someone better than this person. Someone that will love you without an "if only you lost weight" following the statement. You deserve more than an "if only".
  • angelams1019
    angelams1019 Posts: 1,102 Member
    Options
    OMG I couldn't even get past the second paragraph! ONTO THE NEXT ONE!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, he's not worth it!! And the fact that he would say such awful things proves that he clearly doesn't care about your feelings either! If he finds it hard to touch you, you better let him know you will go find someone that can't keep his hands off of you!

    Never settle! You're worth WAY more than you think! <3
  • Markus_7
    Markus_7 Posts: 165 Member
    Options
    angelams- that's the truth...what would happen if she actually wanted to have his baby??? If she's still with him, she should sit with him and watch Shallow Hal...and leave him during the movie.
  • angelams1019
    angelams1019 Posts: 1,102 Member
    Options
    angelams- that's the truth...what would happen if she actually wanted to have his baby??? If she's still with him, she should sit with him and watch Shallow Hal...and leave him during the movie.

    Hahahahaha Leave his skinny *kitten* right there by himself...If he finds it hard to touch her he can just touch himself instead! :)
  • getupngo2013
    getupngo2013 Posts: 8 Member
    Options
    Shazm - In response to this posting you posted on 1/11/2013.

    I don't know how to do that fancy copy and paste someone else's post etc..but - what I wanted to say is that in the posting you posted...you say that he says the following"My guy has said he is in the best place in his life physically and emotionally, he has a massive sense of self and confidence and when we met he was like this." - He is basically saying that he is happy with himself and you met him this way- so why should he change...but then he is telling you to change cuz he doesn't like this or that about you...He met you the way you are- and should love you as you are.
  • Shelly_here
    Shelly_here Posts: 44 Member
    Options
    You defintely need to lose some weight........ about 180lbs called your "boyfriend".

    what a *kitten*........dump himxxxxx
  • jenny95662
    jenny95662 Posts: 997 Member
    Options
    He sounds like a jerk to me, sorry but its true. He is the type of person who will never be happy with your body and prob has unrealistic expectations! When I met my husband I had lost 80 before I met him. We dated got married and after my 2 kids and my dad passing I have gained WAY too much I have struggled in the past 8 years we have been together with my weight and he has never once cared. He loves me and still always touching me and says how pretty I am and stuff. I dont see what he sees seeing as I am super heavy now but he loves me anyhow and tells me if I wanna lose fine but he loves me no matter what. My husband is 27 and mostly bald and I still love him I dont care. It sounds like too much pressure on you and and in the long run will most likely end the relationship. Just my opinion and I wish you luck!
  • CEHayes73
    CEHayes73 Posts: 221 Member
    Options
    OMG I couldn't even get past the second paragraph! ONTO THE NEXT ONE!! If he doesn't love ALL of you, he's not worth it!! And the fact that he would say such awful things proves that he clearly doesn't care about your feelings either! If he finds it hard to touch you, you better let him know you will go find someone that can't keep his hands off of you!

    Never settle! You're worth WAY more than you think! <3

    This!!! You deserve better! There is someone out there for you, who will love you for who you are, and support your weight loss goals because they're important to youl
  • Flossie1981
    Flossie1981 Posts: 160 Member
    Options
    I have put on a lot of weight since I met my partner 4 years ago and could understand if he found that unattractive, but he loves me for me and that includes how much I weigh. He knows I struggle with my weight but he doesn't judge me for it.

Categories