Grieving and living.

mapnerd2005

Today is a rough day for me. It is the anniversary of the last 24 hours of my father's life, and though the grief councilors and others told us that anniversaries and birthdays would be hard, I didn't realize that feeling like being hit with a ton of bricks would still hit so hard years later. My father was a fit and active 53 year old man when he was diagnosed with stage 3b colon cancer. He died a little over 2 years later, on January 15, 2008. 5 years ago today, my mother had a biopsy of a lump in her underarm. It was stage 4 melanoma, recurring from 10 years prior when she had had a mole removed, and it was the expected result on that day. Melanoma that has returned internally has a 1% 1 year survival rate (in other words, very very poor prognosis for survival). On a Monday morning 5 years ago, I was literally running between patient rooms in the onconologist office with my dying father and the surgeon's office next door where my mom was getting her biopsy. It's like a film reel is playing over and over in my head. Take dad home so he can rest peacefully. Be with mom so she's not alone as she faces this and is unable to be with her husband in his final hours.....He made it home, Mom made it home, my siblings all were able to fly or drive in to make it in time to be with him. For that I am very thankful. I am thankful for the time we had with him, and I am thankful for his faith and peace, and the love he radiated even as he took his final breathes.


But today, I am drowning. I thought I would be ok this year, but it hit hard.

I planned out my meals for the day last night, but I realized a few minutes ago I forgot to eat both my breakfast and my morning snack. I carefully plan out my meals each day so I make sure I stay within my calorie range goal. I know skipping meals will lead to a binge later, and I am trying to avoid that.

I'm not really sure if advice is what I'm looking for or just a place to talk. I just made myself eat my morning snack, and I'm sure I will be able to make up the calories from breakfast later. But all I want to do is go back to bed or curl up on the couch. I know one day isn't going to hurt me, but I feel like I'm dwelling. I know it is okay to grieve. Two wonderful people are now no longer physically present in my life, and I never knew it was possible to miss someone so very much. Every life event, every milestone, every joy is now bittersweet. I am still happy. I still smile. I still laugh. I live a good life. But there is an emptiness that never quite heals. And it is very much at the forefront of my mind today.

My parents are my inspiration. They were wonderful, loving people, and they are my primary motivation for my journey.

laney4818

I feel for you so much! I lost my mom about 7 years ago and it seems like yesterday. Whenever I'm really missing my mom, especially on special occasions, I think about how she would want me to be happy and not want me to be in pain.

It sound like your parents raised a wonderful daughter in you! Take care.....

NCchar130

Very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad 9 years ago this summer. Unfortunately one way I dealt with the grief initially was eating (and eating and eating). He had been overweight most of his life but had lost about 100 lbs very slowly (over the course of about 6 years) and was feeling so great. He had high blood pressure all his life and had been recently diagnosed with diabetes, but overall, he really felt he had taken charge of his health. He died of a sudden heart attack after a day of moving furniture on a very hot day. I've often wondered if he had lost the weight sooner if he might have lived longer, but of course health/disease is more complicated than that.

Anyway, as trite as it might sounds, time is the only thing that eased the pain and grief. Those anniversaries, birthdays, holidays and things that come up are especially painful at first, but eventually it does ease. Hugs to you, I hope it eases soon.

janeloveshawaii

Talking about them keeps their memory alive. I still miss my mom every day and wish I had more time with her. But I'm glad she's not suffering any more and that gives me peace.
You're a lucky person to have had such great parents - honour them by being a great parent yourself when the time comes (if it hasn't already). Best of luck today!

1sisrat

I'm gearing up for the 1 year anniversary since my mother's death last Febuary. I was 6 month pregnant at the time. She died of complications from Parkinsonian Muscular System Atrophy. It is a neurological disease that is caused by environmental factors (like the pesticides her family farm used in the 1950's that are now illegal). the disease is terminal and no one survives it, most people last only 6 years after onset of symptoms, which are literally your body shutting down one muscle at a time, usually starting with the ability to eat solid foods, She lost so much weight, and at the time of her death she was 100 lbs at a 5'5" frame. She had just had a feeding tube inserted the week before into her abdomen so that she wouldn't asperate on food any longer. She was such a fighter. I loved her dearly, still do. My insperation for everything. She contracted pnemonia/ MRSA in the hospital while have the tube insterted. 1 week later she died..... after 5 days in the ICU and going unconcious, for no reason that the doctors could find. It was like she just said "6 years, enough is enough". She was in so much pain. ugh! I feel for you. We are scattering her ashes on parents graves for the anniversary, they died when she was 6, She died the same day as her mother, 55 years later.

Danni1585

Your spending g today with your friends on MFP, celebrating your parents. Sounds to me like your doing the right thing, big big hugs xx

sharonsjones

I completely understand how you are feeling. I lost my dad 2 years ago from cancer and I was a "daddy's" girl. It was 2 years ago on the 11th of this month and I still cry a lot. What I try to do is think of good times we had, his smile, his jokes and the way he told me he loved me. I just keep praying that it will get easier. Try to think of what they would want you to do. Would they be upset with you for sitting around and being depressed? I also just keep reminding myself that my dad is not in pain anymore. Also remember they are always with you in spirit.

1shauna1

That is so hard, and I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's great that you are still remembering about your health, but don't be so hard on yourself if your eating isn't "perfect" today. I don't know that the grief will ever truly go away (luckily I still have both my parents but I'm dreading the day...). Take care.