Set them free?

louisel809

My bf of 4 years is very unhappy at work just now. He hasn't really seriously considered his options for either progressing in his field or changing jobs here where we live and despite advice from me, his mates and family he simply won't do anything about it, so imagine Yesterday when he dropped a bomb on me that he is considering looking at jobs in the Middle East? We live together and have talked marriage etc and so his next question is would I go? I have quite serious financial commitments here, and also I do a lot of caring for my 24yr old sister who has cerebral palsy who I love dearly and my mum is on her own with her and my young brother. My initial reaction was shock and obvious reluctance to go. He told me he would still consider going without me, and if this is the case I told him we would need to be over, and he got very hurt by this. I can't accept a life of waiting about for fleeting visits every couple of months. Neither of us have spoke since and it's very awkward, we both think the other is in the wrong.

My question is what would you do? Let them go and do what they think they need to do and see if we can work through it? Or give him the ultimatum of choosing me or moving away and risk the resentment that may cause?
Also I mean in general not just in my case....

ACepero79

I thought this was about boobs.

louisel809

Hahaha major disappointment for u then!

corn63

He sounds pretty selfish and immature. Let him go.

mapnerd2005

I thought this was about boobs.

me too, and the answer to that is always yes.

kit_katty

To me, it's unfair of him to expect you to either wait or go with him. This seems to have come out of no where... I'd talk to him about why he wants to get a job there and not closer to home etc. But personally I wouldn't be happy if someone expected me to wait or move with them so far away...

ahviendha

well ultimatums are never good. have you given it serious thought, or just the knee jerk reaction of "wtf you talking about?!"

you should figure out why he wants to go there, why so far? i think there are other issues going on with him.

TheRealPDouble

I wouldn't do the whole "make him choose" thing... but I would say if he decides to go you pretty much have your answer. You can always try the long distance thing, but typically those don't end well for anyone... Best of luck to you! :ohwell:

ACepero79

If you have any reservations about going because of your commitments here, then don't go. If you want to try and work it out, then what's the harm in trying? If the distance becomes an issue then sever the relationship and move on. But where's the harm in trying?


And just in case this thread was about boobs, the answer is and will always be yes.. Set them free. Let them breathe. Being in a bra and under a shirt all day is restrictive and suffocating. They need sunlight and air and water and hugs and kisses. Like a puppy.

BACONJOKESRSOFUNNY

I know what Sting would tell you to do...

rduhlir

Well...it takes a lot of dedication for long distance relationships to work. And yeah, ultimatums are never good. Another thing is, he is only thinking about it. But with that...you neither can be selfish. You have obligations where you live and him going to he middle east might be a good opportunity for him. So you two are going to have to compromise on something, or else part ways. To pack up and leave isn't something you can do over night. You both need to seriously sit down and talk to each other.

mapnerd2005

In all seriousness, I think only open communication between the two of you is going to provide the answer to your question. I'm sorry you're in that situation, I'm sure it would be different if it was another city, but another continent is another story, not to mention it is very difficult for unmarried couples to travel together to the Middle East. You need to find out how serious he is about this endeavor. Has he researched jobs? Where will he live? What will he do? Money is obviously a factor, the friends I know that have gone have done so for the financial benefit (or were in the military, but that's a different story). How long? What will he do for a job when his time there is up? Talk to him. Find out. Don't make any rash decisions.

Phat_Bottom_Girl

If you love someone set them free, if it's for keeps he'll come back x

PhearlessPhreaks

That's a tough one… It's hard for me to say what I'd do, because I'm married, and any decision like that has to be a mutual one… I guess it depends on a bunch of things, not the least of which are- do you love him? Like, the rest of your life love him? Can you live without him for the rest of your life?

Conversely: How serious is his 'going to the middle east'? You said he hasn't taken advice seriously (I'm assuming you and others have brought up things that would be closer to home?) and all of a sudden he says he's looking for work in the ME- perhaps *he* hasn't thought this through? Maybe he's just thinking out loud, and this could be the start of him doing what you've been trying to tell him?

Just some thoughts… good luck

Ely82010

Before accepting do lots of research about the kind of life that you would endure in the Middle East as a woman.

boston6

Sounds to me like he's looking for an excuse to break up with you.

twinketta

My advice, if someone ever puts you in an ultimatum situation then they are selfish, if you love or care about someone then you just do not put them in that situation...full stop

wareagle8706

I thought this was about boobs.

Exactly.

jr1985

I thought this was about boobs.

me too, and the answer to that is always yes.

second that!

louisel809

It's strange we didn't actually have a stand up fight about it but some how we just seemed to have stopped talking. I genuinely don't know how serious he is, like I said he dropped it on me yesterday. My thought are maybe he was just treading the water to see my reaction and for the record I must say that I am crazy about him as I know he is about me. I think maybe my answer took him aback, and he didn't expect me to be so closed minded about it. Therefore I think my reaction has now prompted him to really seriously think about what he wants. Usually with him I'm very much a yes person and I think yesterday has taken us both by surprise.... We are prob both just in stunned silence just now.
Also thanks for taking the time to reply.....I know it's a bit of a miserable post so it's appreciated. Will keep you posted. X

jennyrebekka

I thought this was about boobs.

it IS ...in a way

crisanderson27

Here's the way I see it, if he's managing as/is, and won't look at any other options other than moving to BFE (literally) with or without you, he's an *kitten* and you need to move on. I could never leave a woman I was with for four years...for any reason. Now, if he approached you and said, 'Here's what I've been thinking...I need your support on this or I won't go and we'll figure something else out here...but I'd like to start looking for work in the Middle East'...that's a whole other story.

All I see happening here is you getting hurt hun, unless it's just a phase for him...but even still, his lack of consideration for your situation is pretty clearly telling of his selfishness.

I'm sorry .

RhonndaJ

I'd tell him that if he needed to go, he should go, but that I wouldn't be going with him.

I would not, however, give an ultimatum about the relationship, even knowing how difficult long distance ones are, because if I really cared about the guy, the effort would be worth it to me to let him try for something that may make him happy.

And if, down the road, it becomes clear that a long distance relationship isn't working, I'd talk to him about that then.

PottsvilleCurse1925

Don't go. You have too much that needs you here. He just wants a job. If it is more important for him to get the job than be with you, then you clearly know it's time to end it. Just break up now.

louisel809

If you have any reservations about going because of your commitments here, then don't go. If you want to try and work it out, then what's the harm in trying? If the distance becomes an issue then sever the relationship and move on. But where's the harm in trying?


And just in case this thread was about boobs, the answer is and will always be yes.. Set them free. Let them breathe. Being in a bra and under a shirt all day is restrictive and suffocating. They need sunlight and air and water and hugs and kisses. Like a puppy.

Do you think if I keep setting them free sans bra he will stay? Is this a very clever plan?? Bribery with boobies?

jconnon

I thought this was about boobs.

Haha, me too.

ACepero79

If you have any reservations about going because of your commitments here, then don't go. If you want to try and work it out, then what's the harm in trying? If the distance becomes an issue then sever the relationship and move on. But where's the harm in trying?


And just in case this thread was about boobs, the answer is and will always be yes.. Set them free. Let them breathe. Being in a bra and under a shirt all day is restrictive and suffocating. They need sunlight and air and water and hugs and kisses. Like a puppy.

Do you think if I keep setting them free sans bra he will stay? Is this a very clever plan?? Bribery with boobies?

The power of boobies is unquantifiable. In my experience, boobs have caused and resolved fights, have asked and resolved questions, have allowed entrance into exclusive areas, have allowed bypassing lines and people to get drinks.

hearthemelody

Bribery with boobies?

Isn't that what relationships are about?

louisel809

Bribery with boobies?

Isn't that what relationships are about?

Haha I love it! Boobs are cheering me up

da1128

Before accepting do lots of research about the kind of life that you would endure in the Middle East as a woman.

I totally agree! I also think it's rather unfair of him to ask that you give up your way of life, obligations, etc., to flit off to the Middle East.

I'd say let him go off on his own. There's always cell phones, emails, and Skype....and frankly, I suspect he won't be gone all that long.

louisel809

Aww thanks guys...everyone is being great. Sometimes it's nice to get a different perspective on things. Sometimes advice from those closest to you isn't the best.