Afraid of being thin: the other side of weight loss (wordy!)

castadiva

This comes at a very apposite moment for me. Like the OP I have struggled with/been self-conscious about my weight since very early on. My social interactions with my peers as a child were always difficult (two years ahead in school), and rejection or rebuttals very much part of life. I strongly suspect that when my classmates started to taunt me for being 'fat' (although I wasn't particularly at the time - tall for my age, and a bit chubby, but not disproportionately so), my subconscious seized on that as the reason for their dislike, fueled by a society that hammers home the message that fat is 'bad'. In a way, believeing they didn't like me because I was fat was better, less painful, than believing they didn't like me because of things I couldn't change, because I was, well, me. This belief system was well-ingrained by puberty, and my early interactions with boys continued in the same vein, up to the present day.

Several times as an adult, I have lost a significant amount of weight, then, just as people, men I found attractive, specifically, started to really sit up and pay attention, I let go of the reins, I lost motivation, lost control and back-slid until some, or all, of the lost weight had been regained, and I was once again 'safe', with rejection/disinterest easily and understandably filed away under the 'fat' heading. Right now, after a serious accident in the summer, I find myself having to try to climb back on the horse once again. I haven't objectively regained that much - only about 10lb - but I seem to be incapable of finding the drive again, the discipline and excitement that got me this far. Just before the accident, at my smallest-ever adult size, a few men were starting to pay attention, and for once, I felt like maybe, just maybe, their interest was justified. Now, I can feel myself retreating into my old shell of aloofness, pretended indifference and feeling like I am once again 'too fat' to deserve their interest.

I have to find a way past this - it has kept me overweight and single my entire life, so it is good to hear that I am not alone in the subconscious reasoning behind my self-sabotage. I've tried therapy for body dysmorphia (I believe I'm a lot bigger than I actually am, and have a history of binge eating, usually emotional), but it doesn't seem to have helped past the initial boost. Has anyone got through this and come out the other side? If so, please tell me how!