I lost all this weight... so where are my dates at??

wendybird5

OK, probably a silly post and I hesitate a little to say it as I've seen how some of these discussions can kind of go down in flames, but I just had to put it out there.

I lost this weight for me and my health and I'm super proud of it. But I will admit that in the back of mind was the hope (perhaps the expectation even) that getting in to better shape and generally just looking better would result in an improvement in my dating life. Yet while I get hit on a lot more, the increase only seems to be in the kind of guys I don't date (namely 20 somethings who are looking for a cougar and all remind me of my baby brother so it creeps me out or married men which is totally out of the question), and not at all with the guys I would date (40 something professionals who are single).

So, to all the single guys out there, especially all my 40-something guys, what does a 40 year old woman have to do to get you to ask her out and just give her a chance?

cdpark617

I would need for you to ask me out, why wait for me?

cuterbee

Back when I was single, I joined a computer dating site which had a journal function...and promptly made a lot of female friends. One of them had a party, I attended...and met my future husband there.

I guess it's like anything else -- you have to network a lot!

oregonzoo

Congrats on the weight loss. Great work.
Does that confidence show yet? I know it sounds silly... but at any weight a highly confident woman is going to get approached.
Smile, have fun, be loose(personality I mean) and see where it gets you.

EatClean_WashUrNuts

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epicshapeshift

Congrats on the weight loss. Great work.
Does that confidence show yet? I know it sounds silly... but at any weight a highly confident woman is going to get approached.
Smile, have fun, be loose(personality I mean) and see where it gets you.

Is it weird then that I'm attracted to shy/stoic girls who don't smile too often around unfamiliar people? I've always wondered if it's just me...

I do agree though. Confident women who glow when they smile clearly get more attention from guys, weight aside. Just keep working hard and focus on yourself. Self-driven women who aren't seemingly searching for a relationship are also really attractive somehow...

Good luck!

oregonzoo

Congrats on the weight loss. Great work.
Does that confidence show yet? I know it sounds silly... but at any weight a highly confident woman is going to get approached.
Smile, have fun, be loose(personality I mean) and see where it gets you.

Is it weird then that I'm attracted to shy/stoic girls who don't smile too often around unfamiliar people? I've always wondered if it's just me...

I do agree though. Confident women who glow when they smile clearly get more attention from guys, weight aside. Just keep working hard and focus on yourself. Self-driven women who aren't seemingly searching for a relationship are also really attractive somehow...

Good luck!

Nah. A lot of people also like an aura of mystery. But confident mystery! lol

BigH89

Came in looking for a cougar

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MaraDiaz

Yeah, my tactic of wandering around out in public shyly staring at the floor isn't getting me any dates. I've decided that since I'm a political activist by nature it's time to find a local activist group and start attending.

So where do corporate professionals meet? Beats me, maybe there is a group you can find?

spicypepper

I grabbed life by the horns and asked out a man who later became my husband. :blushing: first and only time. Maybe you should make the first move?

LyndaMRou

Back before internet dating, I met a really sweet cute guy though a personal ad. We've been together since June 1993... Sometimes you have to go outside your comfort zone. And guys at that age are a little settled in their ways, you may have to be the one to ask. Or go through a dating site. My husband and I are unlikely to have met IRL since I like to stay home and read and so does he.

meshashesha2012

what are your interests? do you go places where there are men?


also as a current overweight 40-something woman who gets asked out quite regularly, i just wanted to say that weight doesn't have much to do with whether or not you get asked out. confidence goes a long way and most guys, at least the ones i'd want to date, like confidence

LouMonoLou

I'm not at my goal weight now but I totally get you.

Try to open yourself more. By that,I mean that you should be witty and flirty and don't be afraid to make the 1st move.
Also talk to guys more. It doesn't need to be out of sexual interest. You will get familiar with talking to them and you'll be more confident next time you see a guy you like.

And never think too much about it. It'll come,you won't stay single forever. :bigsmile:


PS: Go out and dance like the world's gonna end :drinker: :drinker: :drinker:

wendybird5

Thanks for all the advice. The funny thing is that over this journey I have felt more confident and have been a lot more open and outgoing than I used to be. But I guess I still have a ways to go. In the meantime, I guess I'll just focus on my other goals and let things happen as they may.

LouMonoLou

Exactly! I'm getting more & more confident every time I see a little change.
This journey made me & is still making me love myself no matter what I look like.
And if you don't love yourself,who the heck will?

And I'm sorry for my english,I'm a foreign speaker :P

Hbazzell

I was already in a relationship with the hubski when I got on this site but meetup.com seems like a great way to meet cool people with similar interests. It is not a dating site but I think that is cool. Less pressure and more opportunity to network and meet fun folks

scorpiotwinkles

Recently I went out for a drink with my friend and before we had even sat down two men approached us and started flirting. It also happened TWICE more that evening, the second time with much younger men (I am 51....)!

I have been happily married for nearly 30 years and it was a big shock but also a HUGE boost! In fact I logged it as an NSV! I am sorry this won't help answer your question, but wanted to say that maybe because we/I weren't looking for company and just enjoying ourselves naturally, it happened anyway. Be confident and don't try to hard would be my advice.

PapaverSomniferum

To get hit on you have to be 5'8" blonde, big blue eyes, at 125lbs

jennifer_417

This may sound like a silly question, but are you doing anything to put yourself in the path of 40something professionals? Simple logistics. If you don't go to where they are, there's not that much chance that they will see you in order to ask you out.

taunto

Congrats on the weight loss. Great work.
Does that confidence show yet? I know it sounds silly... but at any weight a highly confident woman is going to get approached.
Smile, have fun, be loose(personality I mean) and see where it gets you.

Is it weird then that I'm attracted to shy/stoic girls who don't smile too often around unfamiliar people? I've always wondered if it's just me...

I do agree though. Confident women who glow when they smile clearly get more attention from guys, weight aside. Just keep working hard and focus on yourself. Self-driven women who aren't seemingly searching for a relationship are also really attractive somehow...

Good luck!

Maybe I am wrong but to me, shy and confident are two different things. A girl can be confident yet shy. Like, she is comfortable with being reserved, so to speak, and still give the energy that she is confident about herself and knows what she wants.

XDiet_SlayerX

OK, probably a silly post and I hesitate a little to say it as I've seen how some of these discussions can kind of go down in flames, but I just had to put it out there.

I lost this weight for me and my health and I'm super proud of it. But I will admit that in the back of mind was the hope (perhaps the expectation even) that getting in to better shape and generally just looking better would result in an improvement in my dating life. Yet while I get hit on a lot more, the increase only seems to be in the kind of guys I don't date (namely 20 somethings who are looking for a cougar and all remind me of my baby brother so it creeps me out or married men which is totally out of the question), and not at all with the guys I would date (40 something professionals who are single).

So, to all the single guys out there, especially all my 40-something guys, what does a 40 year old woman have to do to get you to ask her out and just give her a chance?

Congrats on your weight loss!
I have a similar story. I use to weigh 300lbs at one point and then went down to 150lbs. I actually had a standing chance after that although my "fat boy" confidence was still there which obviously was zero. I was socially retarded when it came to asking women out so I just had friends help me out in the long run. I finally built up enough confidence to ask out a girl I was admiring for a while and she said yes to dinner. Well that was my first ever date at age 18. Sad but true.
Okay, now fast forward into the future 8 years later to the present. I'm considered a "Meat Head" to some women. Apparently in my age group who are in their 20's. I see a lot of women these days who are with scrawny men. It baffles me. Since losing all that weight I started hitting the weights to tone up over the years and finally just bulked up altogether. I found most older women hit on me than younger. Although the younger women will just stare at me sometimes even if they are with their significant other.
Anyways to answer your question since you are waiting for someone to ask you out I would ask them out instead if you are truly growing tired of waiting. Or show more signs towards men who you think are interesting or cute like a smile towards them or a simple "Hi" could do the trick.

SeaRunner26

Step 1: Make sure you're self confidence is as fit as your body.
Step 2: Make yourself emotionally approachable.
Step 3: Get out in public.

That should do it!

Terasome

To get hit on you have to be 5'8" blonde, big blue eyes, at 125lbs

haha

well Im 5'3 blonde with nice blue eyes, not at 125lbs yet and still get hit on so must be doing something right hey?

Maybe I am wrong but to me, shy and confident are two different things. A girl can be confident yet shy. Like, she is comfortable with being reserved, so to speak, and still give the energy that she is confident about herself and knows what she wants.

I agree Im shy in person but quite confident online and over the phone until Ive met you once or twice then Im fine. It takes practice I find to take the first step out into the world of dating etc.

Good Luck with getting out there

skinnyinnotime

Just one thing, do you think you're limiting the guys by automatically wanting someone 40+? Maturity, kindness and love doesn't always come with age. I understand why you wouldn't want to date someone in their 20's but give the 30+ group a chance.

A friend of mine has met someone who's 10 years younger than her, she had alot of worries about this, I encouraged her to give it a go and not focus on age....they're still going strong and very much in love!

DawnieB1977

I'm married with 2 kids, so when i go out I really don't care about finding a man (obviously!) so i guess I have an aura of confidence because of that. So i'd say just act confident, happy and like you don't care!

I don't go out all that often (due to the young kids!) but i went out on Friday and got chatted up a few times. One guy thought I was 25 which was a nice compliment since I'm 10 years older!

I'm 5'6" and dark haired and have never had problems getting male attention by the way - you don't need to be blonde and 5'8

slap1225

Meeting men is the easy part, meeting suitable men that’s where it seems to get more difficult. From what I have seen men between the ages of 40-44 there is just some sort of disconnection in them. Maybe go for 45 or older 36 or younger  kidding, kind of!
This does seem to be an issue for most people and it does suck that there seem to be so many women and so few available or acceptable men. Good luck! Whatever you do don’t lower your standards!!

DMZ_1

Are you putting yourself in front of your target market? Someone else asked this as well.

Meetup groups can be a good suggestion, but I find the Meetup culture rather nuanced. Avoid the bar mix n mingle events (this eliminates the majority of Meetup events), and go to Meetup events that involve something you enjoy doing (playing volleyball would be an example). You're going to get better matches if your events involve an activity that two people enjoy rather than an aimless bar mix n mingle.

Also, the 45-50 year old age cohort. You're 40. A lot of early 40s men are most interested in 25-early 30s women. The older men get, the more that they desire a younger woman.

Avoid online dating. Most of it is a giant time suck.

quirkytizzy

I've been out of the dating market for something like 15 years, so I don't have any useful advice to offer. Just wanted to say that I don't think you're being shallow at all. We want the things we want. Nothing wrong with that.

porcelain_doll

I have been told that many times when a man sees a beautiful woman, he assumes she is already taken or that she would not be interested in him, and doesn't bother approaching her. This could be true for you. Sorry that you are feeling frustrated about this. Before I gained weight, I did not have a ton of attention from males, either. So I am not expecting any miracles when I reach my goal. We just have to hang in there and keep being our beautiful selves. The right man will come along and once he lays eyes on you, he will not let you get away. :flowerforyou: Good luck to you!

natajane

You're a lovely looking woman, I think you've achieved a lot for yourself and now is the time to do something new and be brave - ask a few men out?

Regardless of the outcome, i think most men would be really really flattered. You'd make their day! It's nice to make people smile.

wendybird5

Meeting men is the easy part, meeting suitable men that’s where it seems to get more difficult.

This is the issue exactly.

The men I tend to be attracted to are usually within 10 years of my age. I've dated men in their 30's and 40's and a few in their early 50's. I meet guys all the time at work, at the gym, at networking events. Most of them tend to either be in relationships already or want to be George Clooney. (Plus I live in LA and work in the entertainment industry which makes things even more difficult.)

I've also been in the situation where a guy seemed interested and was flirting with me, but the moment I decided to take the bull by the horns and make the first move as many have suggested I do and after getting tired of waiting for him to do it, they suddenly disappear. As long as I'm not interested, they are all over me, but the moment I suggest we meet up for a drink or go do something that we have both talked about enjoying (wine tasting, hiking, whatever), they just shut down.

I did online dating and that was a disaster. I do go to different Meetup groups, have a lot of fun, but no luck there. My best luck is actually at work (which is tricky - my last boyfriend and I were co-workers and after we split his boss started flirting with me) or friends of friends.

I guess it's just more luck than anything judging by all the stories I hear of how people met their significant other.