Hunger and Emotional Pain

goldiejoe

Its my third day of logging my meals, restricted calorie intake versus just eating anything and everything that occurs to me. Of course that is how I got in the shape I'm in, so intellectually I know that this is something I want to do. However...

Its my day off, so I ate raisin bran with 2% milk...so far so good...then I piddled around and later decided to take a Sunday afternoon nap Lovely, love those Sunday naps

So I woke up a couple hours later hungry as a bear. I'm not used to the sensation of hunger because I have protected myself from feeling hunger by always having too much to eat. Here is where it gets weird...I almost had a panic attack because I had a huge physical memory of being hungry when I was younger and on a starvation level diet.

I was in the military and my weight hovered right around the maximum standard. Sometimes over, sometimes under, but I just could not lose. When it was time for a weigh in I would starve and purge because my job depended upon it. It was a horrible time in my life and I don't think if it often. Eventually I separated from the military instead of reenlisting because of the pain of trying to maintain what for me was an impossible standard. Seriously painful memories.

So anyways, I wake up, hungry, and I'm lying there ready to cry, deeply back in that place of helplessness, hopelessness, and hunger. I can't live like this again, Its not worth living like this...yada...yada...yada my self speak was totally over-reacting to the facts of the situation.

Then it occurs to me that, no, I have a plan what to eat, I go make myself a sandwich and have a cheese stick and a coffee drink, a nice big meal but still within my eating plan. And I feel better. And I'm comforting myself. I'm going to be okay. I can eat and I don't have to make myself feel unrelenting hunger and self hatred.

So if you are still reading, have you been through anything like this? How did you overcome the emotional scars from past self-abuse type eating? Thanks!