How to lose the "all or nothing" mentality

EmilyEmpowered

So I have previously posted about my past weight loss, and as I am sure many of you are familiar with I have taken many different paths to get to the weight I am today. I started off at 255, started by watching what I ate and got down to around 225>> joined a weight loss center and was put on supplements, got down to 180>> started eating healthy and working out, got down to 170>> started doing IF, which was something I REALLY ENJOYED, got down to 160 but>> started having trouble with disordered eating (recurring from years ago) where I was taking laxatives daily, my two days of fasting a week became "How many days can I go with just water??", weighing myself 20+ times A DAY, and started yoyoing between 130-145, which is where I am now. I was in therapy for these issues, however I no longer am. And after taking "time off" working out and eating healthy over the holidays while I was dealing with a death in the family and my own seperation from my fiance, I got BACK up to 145 (from 130) in a matter of two months.

I am wondering if anyone can give me advice, because it seems like my mind can not comprehend that allowing myself to EAT what I need to eat does NOT mean whatever is in sight. I know that I havent been doing THAT bad, but I could be doing a lot better. I started off on a 1200 calorie diet, but after reading through the forums I realized I should probably be eating more. But it is so hard to get that right balance, once I start eating more I am hungry CONSTANTLY! It doesn thelp that people in my life (corworkers, family, etc) now mention every time I am eating that "all I do is eat." This makes me, A)eat even more out of defeat, or b)not want to eat at all of embarassment and anger at myself for doing it.

I want MFP to work for me. I want to get rid of this skinny fat body I have, get back to working out and enjoying the healthier foods. But I need something to motivate me to make that switch. I did it before, I was so proud of the muscles I was building and the body I was getting, and I LIKE to be active and eat right. But that lead me to such an unhealthy place, its like in my mind it is "starve or overeat" Does ANYONE have ANY advice on how to overcome this?

neandermagnon

have you read the "in place of a road map" thread? That will help you to calculate how many calories you can eat each day and still lose weight, slowly and sustainbly. Understand how your body works, understand that if you were in a coma your body will still be burning calories, keeping your heart beating, keeping all your cells alive (every cell in your body needs energy to stay alive), keeping all your internal organs working right... those are your BMI calories. Most women have a BMI around 1200-1400 (it varies depending on your size so it could be more or less than this) - and these calories are used by your body just to keep all of you alive. So when you are tempted to not eat enough calories, try to remember this, and know that your body needs to be fed.

Then you have your activity calories, these are the calories your body uses moving around. The more active you are and the more you exercise, the more calories your body will use doing this. Your BMI plus your activity calories makes up your TDEE (total daily energy expenditure). To lose fat the healthy way, you need to eat about 20% fewer calories than your TDEE number. As long as you're eating less than your TDEE number, you will lose weight, but if it's too much less you won't be feeding your body properly and you'll face problems, and your body won't let you starve it, it'll kick back with making you want to eat everything in sight. That's a normal survival response from eating too few calories, as is extreme hunger. If you are feeding your body properly you shouldn't get these problems, and TDEE - 20% is a good method to ensure you're feeding your body well, while still losing fat. Also pay attention to enough nutrition, i.e. plenty of protein, healthy fat, healthy carbs, fruit and veg, but if you have calories left over you can have whatever you want while you stay within your calorie goals, and still lose weight.

Aim for slow and steady fat loss, this method gives you that. It's a lot more sustainable that way, so you can maintain it in the long term.

you mentioned eating disorders, it sounds like IF is triggering that, so avoid IF. It works for a lot of people, but not for everyone.

UKMarjie

I think that you have described a larger issue with food. There are lots of good suggestions by the PP. I think some of what you are seeking for advice might be best found with a counsellor and nutritionist or an eating disorder specialist because having a relapse is a huge possibility and that scares me for you. I think you can and will find a good balance but doing some emotional work is also in order so that you reduce your triggers and find some peace and love.

I wish you all the best in your journey to health and balance.

fihealth

Lovely, you are so worth not only a healthy body, but being HAPPY and living with VITALITY! *kitten* body image for awhile as best you can, and *kitten* what anyone else says to you that isn't 100% supportive, and just focus on figuring out how to get YOU happy.

Kelly Osborne, who has battled a lot with emotional eating, had an insightful comment that it wasn't until she figured out how to be happy, that she learned to treat her body well and could maintain a healthy weight.

There's a wonderful book I read that I think you might enjoy too, "Food: the good girl's drug...". It delves into why we use food to regulate our emotions -- either through restricting and/or bingeing, and has wonderful success stories of people who manage it, and best of all, tried and true techniques for how to address the underlying issues and redirect food-obsession behaviours with other strategies for managing the ups and downs and everydayness of life.

You're here and you're looking for solutions. You've already taken the first step. Now it's time to figure out how to rewire your brain and replace your current behaviours with new healthier ones to get happy. Life's too damn short to stay unhappy. You can do it!!!

I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties you've been facing. If you choose to, you can use them as fuel for your fire to get happy!

x

Fr3shStrt

I totally understand.

I think, first, give yourself credit for what you have accomplished... You lost over 100 pounds. That is awesome. So, you gained back 15, not a big deal. Now you should focus on just being healthy, once you get into that healthy place where you aren't punishing yourself by not eating and not binging then you can focus on your long term goal and work slowly to it so that you can maintain it. Figure out how many calories you should be eating whether to maintain or lose (at most .5 to 1 lb a week) and then stick to it. Don't listen to what people say... trust yourself. If you are still struggling, then maybe talking to a professional would be a good idea. I've had several friends with eating disorders (over eating, anorexia, etc) that have found talking to a nutritionist to be very helpful.

Good luck.

theoneandonlybrookie

I have the same problem in terms of having an all or nothing mentality and I agree with the previous poster's suggestion of therapy. It sounds like you attempt to control your emotions with food when in fact the only thing that can change the way you feel is by altering the way that you think. I went through a couple years of cognitive behavioral therapy and it improved my life dramatically. I used to binge and use laxatives to purge and go on multiple day fasts. It was so unhealthy!

I still have the occasional binge but I no longer purge. I also have a problem with overeating.at one meal and then deciding to say "f$!k it" and eat unhealthy for the rest of the day. But for the most part, I now have a healthy relationship with food.

Take care and best of luck!

runwmeNC

I started off on a 1200 calorie diet, but after reading through the forums I realized I should probably be eating more. But it is so hard to get that right balance, once I start eating more I am hungry CONSTANTLY!

I know exactly what you mean by this. I've never yo-yo'd with my weight, just was a slow steady climb over the years as I ate/drank whatever/whenever. Id hate to think how high my calorie intake was most days.

Whenever tried to eat a "little" less or a "little" better, I was hungry ALL the time. So having very little will power to eat a "little better" I just cut out most everything other than a breakfast bar or couple eggs for breakfast and small portioned lunch. 900-1100 calories a day, drinking nothing but water. Most days I net out 400-500 calories after exercise. Funny thing, Im a little hungry all the time, but do not get any overpowering urges to bing or snack as if I were eating more.

Are my actions unhealthy or unsustainable? Im 6'2 240 lbs down from 279 just a few months ago and losing just under 1/2 lb per day.

dreamer2452

I understand that completly. In high school and a litlle while after I was bulimic which turned to anorexia. I am recovered now but i gained a lot of weight afterwards. I went from not eating at all to eating everything. Now im learning a balance. I did infact talk to both a psychologist and nutrionist. Now im losing weight but im being a lot healthier about it. i recommened seekinng out help by atleast a nutrionist

EmilyEmpowered

Thank you all for your replies, I am going to read them again later and really take all of your advice. It helps to know that I am not alone and you all had really good advice! I think I am going to stop trying to lose and focus on learning what MY body needs, I know I have a lot of sites bookmarked that explain how to figure out how much you need to eat to lose/maintain/gain, so I am going to find my maintenance calories and go from there. And also work on being happy no matter what my size, which I know deep down is the bigger issues.