Couples Therapy
Options
Replies
-
Just noticed something:
to the person who said they disagreed with something kingnatalie said:
she said it should never NOT be ok to go through their phone, which means she thinks it's fine to go through each others stuff, it was just worded different, so you are actually agreeing with her, not disagreeing...0 -
You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.
He is a self-absorbed jerk.
My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:
1) Eating
2) Showering
3) Work/School
4) Women
That being said, these all go out the window when you are committing your life to someone else. He should know that video games aren't everything, he should be helping you with dinner or at least talking to you while in the kitchen, he should know it is INCREDIBLY rude to refuse someone elses cooking and instead eat hot dogs...and the whole going upstairs thing while you are downstairs? That sounds to me like he is being a big baby and is just pouting that mommy took away his toys.
On top of his obvious attitude malfunctions, this other girl thing is NOT OK. Especially if you're engaged. Yeah you shouldnt've gone through his phone, but now you know that he (probably) at least has another girl as a "back up plan"
This guy needs a reality check. I hope for the best for both of you, but I knew plenty of guys like this in college, and they don't change.
I need you to come have a sit down with my fiance then because his obsession with video games is getting way out of control. I knew about them coming into the relationship but he always said "as I get older, I will stop playing them" but he keeps getting worse. I am talking midnight releases and everything and taking the day off work so that he can play a new game.
Gough!!!
Thats ok in college. I even did a midnight release once. That's not OK anymore. Some people need to learn when to grow up, and maybe you need to be the one to teach him.
Someone above said they let things like TV/media/computers keep the man/woman from being together often, that they will never be a "eat dinner together" family and that "men will be men.'
No. Thats crap - sorry to sound harsh. If tv/games are distancing your guy from you, then the correct saying is "some men will be boys" Every family deserves to be the "eat dinner together" family. Especially for the kids. It is crucial. The guys who don't understand that and spend all their time in front of the TV or computer or games either missed a step in being raised or just think about themselves.0 -
You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.
He is a self-absorbed jerk.
My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:
1) Eating
2) Showering
3) Work/School
4) Women
Blue, I like you. A lot. You should do seminars for other men. :flowerforyou:
Agreed! 0 -
We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3 of those so I don't think it would be cold feet or the new thing.
And whenever I ask him about why he won't talk to me about things, he says that he is a guy and just doesnt like to talk about emotions. But then what bugs me, is that he says stuff like that... but then apparently has this long emotional conversation with this other girl? Why can he talk to other girls about emotional stuff, and not me? ya know?
Remember, you're just seeing HER messages to him, right? At least, that's what I got outta your first post. Maybe they went to lunch and she unloaded on him, did all the talking, and he just listened, a captive audience - and she's using the situation to try to hook up with him or something.
The other stuff - the video games and the dinner thing - I agree with BLUE - he's a self-absorbed jerk who seriously needs to grow up a bit.
Someone else said men can't read our minds, and that's totally true. The only thing that's going to solve this is communication - he needs to know what your expectations are and whether he's ready to try to meet them. If he's not, then as painful as it might be after 4 years, move on. There will be someone else out there who's a better fit.0 -
Just noticed something:
to the person who said they disagreed with something kingnatalie said:
she said it should never NOT be ok to go through their phone, which means she thinks it's fine to go through each others stuff, it was just worded different, so you are actually agreeing with her, not disagreeing...
YOU'RE RIGHT! I was speed reading and missed the NOT - KINGNATALIE, I AGREE WITH YOU! :happy:0 -
I'm glad a man chimed in on here with the video games comment.
My husband is also a gamer. But it does NOT interfere with our relationship. Because good men understand that spending time ignoring your significant other is not healthy. Yes - it is definitely healthy to take a break from each other. I can read a book or he can play a game for a while and we can be completely uncommunicative for that time. That's FINE. Everyone needs a hobby and everyone needs space to have time to themselves. But the constancy that you are talking about (while you are doing chores and cooking no less!) is bad. It's gone beyond personal space and "me time."
I would have to confront him about it. Just explain that you understand he enjoys it (helps him unwind, plays online with friends, whatever) but at a certain point it makes you feel as though he doesn't WANT to talk to you or makes you feel unappreciated. He can get as mad as he wants - it's how you feel and you have a right to it.
After all, if you wanted to live alone and sit by yourself all the time, you wouldn't have him around in the first place!
As for this other woman at his work - ask him about it. Don't accuse him of anything, because assuming it is innocent his feelings will definitely be hurt by the lack of trust. Just tell him you are concerned that he might have feelings for this girl. Find out why he didn't tell you she was single - does that mean they are alone at her apartment together? Because if he does like her and he keeps entering that situation it may only be a matter of time before something happens. I'm not saying that's definite because all people are different, but that is usually the time frame where they are emotionally adjusting to the idea of something happening - of cheating. Its a dangerous game for him to play.
Marriage is a wonderful thing. It really is. I love my husband. But it's important that people remember that it is a lot of work. You have to put forth a strong effort to be there for your partner every step of the way. It sounds like you're putting forward that effort - cooking for him, letting him play his games, checking on him when you're concerned he's sick - but it doesn't sound like he is. And it's not possible to put in enough work on your end to make up for his lack of effort.
Just remember - communication. Tell him what is wrong. Men miss hints. In fact, subtle hints that you're angry or just expecting him to know - some men qualify this as "playing games" and get annoyed and therefore refuse to ask "what's wrong." Be straightforward.0 -
We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3 of those so I don't think it would be cold feet or the new thing.
And whenever I ask him about why he won't talk to me about things, he says that he is a guy and just doesnt like to talk about emotions. But then what bugs me, is that he says stuff like that... but then apparently has this long emotional conversation with this other girl? Why can he talk to other girls about emotional stuff, and not me? ya know?
Remember, you're just seeing HER messages to him, right? At least, that's what I got outta your first post. Maybe they went to lunch and she unloaded on him, did all the talking, and he just listened, a captive audience - and she's using the situation to try to hook up with him or something.
The other stuff - the video games and the dinner thing - I agree with BLUE - he's a self-absorbed jerk who seriously needs to grow up a bit.
Someone else said men can't read our minds, and that's totally true. The only thing that's going to solve this is communication - he needs to know what your expectations are and whether he's ready to try to meet them. If he's not, then as painful as it might be after 4 years, move on. There will be someone else out there who's a better fit.
I just wanted to clear up that we have talked about this issue hundreds of times before in the 4 years we have been together. I have told him how I feel and he will be great for a week. He won't play at all, he will make dinner with me, buy me some flowers or something but then after I am happy... he just goes back to the games.0 -
TALK TO HIM NOW!!! warning signs are going off, pay attention to them. ALWAYS go with your gut, life has taught me that it is ALWAYS right. I would not be ok with that friendship....at alllll! Good luck to you! Be strong.
Very good advice. If only I had listended to this advice some 20 years ago...Oh all the frustration & heartbreak that could've been avoided. Luckily now I am married to a man who when we moved in together, he left the video games behind. His mom has even asked him a few times if he wanted a playstation (or whatever is hot now) for XMAS & he said no b/c he knew he would spend too much time w/it. Now that's someone ready to be in a serious, mature relationship!
And secrets...no matter how big or small...& when they involve other women?...almost always bad.0 -
I understand the video game obsession... our household has a wii, xbox 360, PS2 & Gamecube (why we still have that I don't know). My husband was a video game player too. I have a closet full of video games accessories, from DDR pads, wii wheels, game controllers, etc. You name it, we have it. He beats me at everything also, which just makes it even more frustrating. I'm not into video games (wii fit doesn't count!), but we did find a few that we would play together.
When we got engaged, we had a big transition. We moved to the city after I graduated, he started school, I was looking for a new job. Life was stressful. One of the BEST things we ever did was get rid of cable tv. If we want to watch tv, we watch it on the computer. (Yeah, we even hooked the computer up to our 50" tv with no cable.) You can watch the Biggest Loser on the internet, when you want to watch it and have the time for it. It has definitely helped me. I can't honestly remember the last time I sat down and watched tv. We go for walks together to get out and exercise (well, exercise for me.. he runs marathons). We walk the dogs. We come home and just hang out. Or, if we want to watch TV we use netflix and rent a throwback show (we are on M*A*S*H right now, but fnished ER and Grey's Anatomy). We allow ourselved a limited amount of tv. We watch one hour or 2 half hour shows at the most.
I understand the video game obsession. Once we went out and found other things to do, we no longer missed the television set. We no longer miss the video games. He's a medical student, so studying takes up his time. If he wants to play video games on his spring break, I let him and I will hang out with him, even if it makes me sick. It was a big adjustment for us. I had to come to terms with the fact that he wasn't into America's Next Top Model marathon days & he had to undestand that sitting in the livng room for 10 hours watching him play Oblivion makes me sick (literally.. I get motion sickness from watching it.. blah!). But we loved each other and knew we were both "sacraficing" something to make our relationship stronger. Now, he and I do wii fit together, or go do things together that we both enjoy. We had to find the things we have in common and that we both enjoy, but can say we are much happier. And, the money we save in video games & accessories as well as cable tv alone allow us to go out and do the other things we enjoy.
That being said, everyone's situation is different, but you have to find your commonalities and work on this together, so if you don't talk about it, you can't fix it. Good luck. I understand the frustration you feel, but if you love each other enough you can talk about it and listen to each other to work it out.0 -
Gotta say that there are red flags everywhere on this one!!!!!! From experience I gotta say that unfortunately he seems like he is thinking of moving on.. I don't neccesarily think I can judge as to how far things have gone between him and the other girl but to me it seems more affectionate than a friendship should be.. I would definitely talk to him and see what is going on and make it clear that you will tolerate no lies!!!!!!! That you are a big girl and can handle the truth whatever it may be
Good luck!0 -
Ha...my hubby is the same (with the first half). He has his games and I have my shows. But...we don't keep things from each other, I know all the girls he has listed on his phone and he knows all the guys on mine. We openly communicate, have dates where we talk and not mention anything related to games/tv/other outside sources.
My hubs plays his games for a few hours every night while I watch tv or read a book. Right now he's out of a job but he cleans around the house and takes care of out daughter when she gets home from school.
People don't change...no matter what they say. My husband has always been a gamer and always will be (his degree is in graphic design for a reason, he's even created games)...I don't like games and probably never will...that's his thing, but that doesn't mean that that's the only thing he does.
You two need to talk about where the relationship is heading. And as for being too young...I don't agree with the other posters...I got married when I was 19 (we've been together since I was 16...I'm now 25 and we celebrated our 6 years of marriage yesterday and 10 years together total).0 -
We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3 of those so I don't think it would be cold feet or the new thing.
And whenever I ask him about why he won't talk to me about things, he says that he is a guy and just doesnt like to talk about emotions. But then what bugs me, is that he says stuff like that... but then apparently has this long emotional conversation with this other girl? Why can he talk to other girls about emotional stuff, and not me? ya know?
Remember, you're just seeing HER messages to him, right? At least, that's what I got outta your first post. Maybe they went to lunch and she unloaded on him, did all the talking, and he just listened, a captive audience - and she's using the situation to try to hook up with him or something.
The other stuff - the video games and the dinner thing - I agree with BLUE - he's a self-absorbed jerk who seriously needs to grow up a bit.
Someone else said men can't read our minds, and that's totally true. The only thing that's going to solve this is communication - he needs to know what your expectations are and whether he's ready to try to meet them. If he's not, then as painful as it might be after 4 years, move on. There will be someone else out there who's a better fit.
I just wanted to clear up that we have talked about this issue hundreds of times before in the 4 years we have been together. I have told him how I feel and he will be great for a week. He won't play at all, he will make dinner with me, buy me some flowers or something but then after I am happy... he just goes back to the games.
I'm going to be brutally honest here.
If you have spoken to him about how the gaming makes you feel and he has not made a concentrated effort for more than a week (or done more than try to buy back your affection with flowers) THEN HE WILL NOT CHANGE.
Its important for you to tell him how you feel, but it's equally important for him to listen. If he's not doing that or thinks that all he needs to do is make a brief change and then back to normal - then he is not actually listening or caring how his actions are affecting you.
It might be necessary at this point to decide if this is how you want to go through the rest of your life. And if not - then tell him - this is it. Last chance. "Make a permanent change, a permanent effort - or I am hitting the road."0 -
I too play games and of course it is on the big screen TV. If I play, I make sure that I don't play while she wants to watch. We have other TV which helps. He will probably grow tired of them eventually.
About the other girl. It is not OK for him to hide it and it there may be something more going on but don't want to jump to conclusions. Talk to him, it is vital. I have been married almost 15 years and we are enjoying the better times right now. It most certainly another job that you have to work at and you should not be going into it with problems or trust issues.
If he wants to play games then do something else for you. Go out for a run, workout, or just fine something fun that you can do without him. My wife loves to read and I give her a hard time, expecially since she has been laid off for almost a year and a half. We are doing OK now, but not much more. It has actually motivated me to go running more so that she will miss me more. It works out great and I get more attention from her now if you know what I mean.
Times are good,
Todd0 -
Sounds tough hun, I can tell you I have been through this with my husband. I would suggest finding a good therapist to go to together because the whole communication thing it very difficult. I have found it is easier to talk with a 3rd party whom is not involved with the situation, able to hear both sides and is educated in this area. In my situation my husband did have someone else on the side, I saw signs like you are seeing but chose to ignore them. Video games was his way of isolating which is not good in a relationship, it just lead to worse things. I am happy to report we have been married 5 1/2 years together 9 1/2, it has been a very rocky road even now we are struggling, but with the of good guidance and accountability friends we are determined to make it and be happy not just settle. If you choose to keep this relationship just know it will be tough and it does take two to make things work.0
-
You said I won't hurt your feelings, so I'm going to call it how I see it.
He is a self-absorbed jerk.
My friends and I follow four rules when it comes to playing video games. They should never come in the way of:
1) Eating
2) Showering
3) Work/School
4) Women
That being said, these all go out the window when you are committing your life to someone else. He should know that video games aren't everything, he should be helping you with dinner or at least talking to you while in the kitchen, he should know it is INCREDIBLY rude to refuse someone elses cooking and instead eat hot dogs...and the whole going upstairs thing while you are downstairs? That sounds to me like he is being a big baby and is just pouting that mommy took away his toys.
On top of his obvious attitude malfunctions, this other girl thing is NOT OK. Especially if you're engaged. Yeah you shouldnt've gone through his phone, but now you know that he (probably) at least has another girl as a "back up plan"
This guy needs a reality check. I hope for the best for both of you, but I knew plenty of guys like this in college, and they don't change.
I need you to come have a sit down with my fiance then because his obsession with video games is getting way out of control. I knew about them coming into the relationship but he always said "as I get older, I will stop playing them" but he keeps getting worse. I am talking midnight releases and everything and taking the day off work so that he can play a new game.
Gough!!!
Sameeeee! God he started playing World of warcraft ffs how geeky too?!
Also, I would 100% confront him on it
0 -
I sent you a private message but I wanted to share this with everyone else:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YKBRG_QgEAM 0 -
Okay, i agree with what everyone has said, I have been married for 26 years (rough at times) not everything is good all the time, but we have faced the good, the bad and the ugly together and we have managed to stick together this long.
I was 23 when hubby and I tied the knot, I personally would not change it, but in today's society 23 is too young to be tieing the know, you hardly know yourself, let alone trying to get to know someone else and starting a life together.
As for this young man who is probably close to 21 himself, he is acting like any other 21 year old man, he likes playing house with you, but it sounds like this house party is getting stale for him. My hubby and I have no secrets, we share everything - we even share an e-mail address. There are no secrets, that has never been a problem for us, we have 3 boys and have tried to teach them open communication as well. It is sometimes hard to be open with your significant other, but it is necessary.
You have talked with him regarding the gaming in the past and it has not changed, you found things in his phone that you don't like - that will continue to happen, this young man is no more ready to be married than I am ready to gain back the 17 pounds that I have lost.
Counseling - if that is what you have to do prior to marrying, what the heck are you going to do after you are married.
Devote yourself to "YOU" first and once you have yourself the way you want, then find Mr. Right - this guy you are with now - Mr. Wrong!!!!!!!
You said to be blunt - so I'm being blunt; I hope I did not hurt your feelings; just trying to be realistic and honest.0 -
bluexiii you seem like a very sweet guy and I wish they all thought like that!:flowerforyou:
I would love if he just hung out in the kitchen with me while I cooked and cleaned up, but he's usually in front of his computer.
He does cook though, but he won't allow me in the kitchen when he does because I'm "in the way"
wow sorry to say but he doesnt sound very nice. :S0 -
We have been together for 4 years and engaged for 3 of those so I don't think it would be cold feet or the new thing.
And whenever I ask him about why he won't talk to me about things, he says that he is a guy and just doesnt like to talk about emotions. But then what bugs me, is that he says stuff like that... but then apparently has this long emotional conversation with this other girl? Why can he talk to other girls about emotional stuff, and not me? ya know?
I have a rule in my house: if my husband is home while I cook dinner, he either has to sit at the table and talk to me while I'm cooking or be doing a chore. It is one of the only times at night we get together so that is the rule. Make the most of it with me or the house. Not the computer, fb, tv, nothing else. I have to remind him of the rule once in a while, but this rule was formed after he would get on the computer and zone out for hours.
We also have a rule to eat dinner at the table together every night. These are the only two rules we have and we keep them.
As for the video games, the guy who answered with the quote is right. You aren't going to change him, hoping he'll quit playing later is not worth the thought. Asking him to stop playing isn't right either, so you two have to come to an agreement about the games, tv, dinner and time together that works for both of you. That isn't asking too much from him and trust me when i say you need to start doing these things early on in the relationship or you'll look back once your married and wonder WTF was I thinking!
The other girl? Two things could be going on here. 1. she recently broke up with the girl and is sending these very pointed texts to him hoping you'll read them and hoping it will cause issues in your relationship. 2. he really is talking to her about things he should be talking to you about.
It is one thing to have friends of the opposite sex, it is another to talk about things with them that you refuse to do with your mate. That is not right.
I guess my question is...do you go with him to their house? Do you hang out with this girl and her then bf too? Or is this some relationship he's keeping seperate? My hubby and I have some seperate friends too, but we've all met and hung out together as well.0 -
as for the original post - I would be extremely pissed and you have every right to. He's not appreciating you and maybe he is too young and not ready for marriage. Women are usually the ones who put the effort in a relationship but he seems to be isolating himself. (did u get a thnx for dinner honey, but I'd rather eat xyz? or I'm really tired, I'm going to bed? pllus a kiss good night? nothing? ) as for the phone, u have more patience than me cuz I wud probably have broken it or called the girl and asked wtf? lol
ok that was PSYCHO I know. hahaha that's just my impulsive side talking..... ok maybe I wouldn't go that far but I would definately ask whats up with those kinds of txts and whats really going on there.
and yes I agree with everyone who has said that things only get worse with marriage so anything bothering you now WILL NOT IMPROVE over time.0
Categories
- All Categories
- 1.4M Health, Wellness and Goals
- 391.5K Introduce Yourself
- 43.5K Getting Started
- 259.7K Health and Weight Loss
- 175.6K Food and Nutrition
- 47.3K Recipes
- 232.3K Fitness and Exercise
- 391 Sleep, Mindfulness and Overall Wellness
- 6.4K Goal: Maintaining Weight
- 8.5K Goal: Gaining Weight and Body Building
- 152.7K Motivation and Support
- 7.8K Challenges
- 1.3K Debate Club
- 96.3K Chit-Chat
- 2.5K Fun and Games
- 3.2K MyFitnessPal Information
- 22 News and Announcements
- 925 Feature Suggestions and Ideas
- 2.3K MyFitnessPal Tech Support Questions