Parents of older kids

cyclerjenn

I need advice and support from parents that have or had rebellious teens and ones that did drugs.

This started back in October, my son got in a argument with his father, who does not live with us, that he wanted to drop out of ROTC due to the early morning schedule. He was never an early morning person so when we signed up I was questioning his decision to take the class. This that argument, his father has not said anything to his son, Nothing at Thanksgiving, Christmas and even his 16th birthday.

Since the school semester started back up, my son has been ditching school, and I found he had pot in his room. I have tried grounding him and talking to him about it, but he will not go to school and always smells like pot.

This last Friday, he was brought home at 2 in the morning by that cops that found him walking the streets screaming. Since this was his first offense and he had not drugs on him, they brought him home to me to deal with. I gave him a drug test and it came up with E, LSD, oxy, and Pot.

Last week I tried to take him to a counselor, so he could talk about this and he told the counselor to F* off and ran out of the office.

I cry all the time now, I always late to work and behind in my own studies. I always find myself turning to alcohol and comfort foods to numb the pain that I feel because I’m at a lost of help him.

What recommendations do you have that has been through this? How did you keep yourself from losing your head and job? How did you get your child past this phase?

Thank you

Angel37615

Been there, done that, I could have written your story. My son is now 19, and for the past 5 years we have saved his *kitten* so many times I have lost count. He has been on probation almost constantly since he was 15. His charges run from assault, theft, evading arrest, simple posession, posession of illegal weapons x2, posession of a weapon on school property, breaking and entering, etc etc etc. When kids turn 18 their record is sealed so keeping him straight after his 18th birthday was my goal to keep his permanent adult record clean. That lasted about a year. He is now back on probation and I have made the conscious decision to not pay one single penny toward a fine or court cost this time. I will not remind him of his probation appts, I will not remind him when its time to pay his fines. I will let him alone to sink or swim as painful as it may be for me. I will add that we (my husband and I) come from good families and he was not raised in any condition or environment that encouraged his behavior. Our other child is the polar opposite of him. A good friend recently told me that boys don't reach maturity until age 25, and from 18 to 25 a parent's goal is to keep their boys out of jail and alive. My son has a court payment due by Wednesday and as of today has made no effort to make it so I am waiting on a proverbial ledge to see if he makes it. Delinquency = automatic 100 days in jail.
Also- I have used countless vacation days sitting in court with him, spent a lot of time in the restroom crying, and thankfully I have a great boss who understood. My only advice is to let him fail. As hard as it is I wish I had done it years ago.
:frown:

Chainbreaker

First, I admire such a brave admission. Stating the problem is truly the first step.

I have had similar issues with my son.

The simplest and best advice I can give is for you to find a good counselor for yourself first. For loving parents these issues can be very confusing, causing those destructive lifestyle choices and thus diminishing our ability to function. You need to have you stabilized if you are going to help him. There are plenty of counselors who specialize in these issues and can help with solutions.
Immediately, just make sure he has firm boundaries. I realize that is not an instant solution as he will likely break them, but then be steadfast in the consequences. He needs to see from minute one that there is zero tolerance or support for his self-destructive behavior. He is 16 and still largely at your mercy.

bufger

It depends on the individual. Sometimes you can reason with them and sometimes you just have to kick them out and they will learn with time. He needs to see that it's selfish behaviour and needs to see how it's affecting you. It's a grow the f up situation I'm afraid

cyclerjenn

Thank you. any advice on how to help him fail sooner then later. I don't want to see him dead, or ruin his future.

Chainbreaker

Essentially an intevention. At 16 he cant live that lifestyle on his own. He needs help from others or he will fail on his own quickly enough. Remove any elements of your support which he uses to hurt himself, as you are the only caregiver.

rompers16

Been thru it as well...finally had to kick him out at 17 because the behavior was so out of control and we have 4 other kids in the house to think about. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to pm me.