My Fitness Revolution (again)

dmoneywhat

I stayed up all night because I was anxious to start my new fitness and calorie routine again this month. I dreamed of myself in a hot new pink bikini and basking in the sun near the bay, where I live in beautiful San Diego. I live 3 blocks from the beach and steps away from the bay, and I refuse to put on a bathing suit. I imagined the girls from housewives and the ladies from vanderpump rules, and reminded myself if they can "starve" themselves, so can I. I reminded myself that 1200 calories isn't really starving myself, it's all in my mind. I reminded myself that I can no longer stand looking in the mirror and telling myself if I am only 20 pounds lighter ( I'm 180) , I will be happier, and more comfortable staring at myself, and maybe I'de smile at myself more. I know I am unhappy because of my weight, and angry at myself. I'm sad that my boyfriend sometimes thinks that it's him that makes me unhappy no matter how many times I tell him it's not him- it's just other things.

I was in room with a handful of girls the other day getting ready to go out for the night. I felt like a horrible fat monster drudging along... waiting to put my clothes in the bathroom so no one could see just how overweight I really was. You see... I hide it well. I have a pretty face, decent skin, and a nice tan and blonde hair. I have ran 2 marathons and work out on a regular basis, but my favorite inbetween all my exercises is sugars and carbs. I enjoy eating. I enjoy cooking while I have a few glasses of red wine too. Then after a few too many, I enjoy eating pizza from the local pizza shop. I enjoy it way too much. You know it's bad when you are looking forward to the super bowl because of the french fries and dips and beer. You don't even care what the superbowl is or who is playing. You just want to be around snacks and beer.

When people take pictures of me, I dred looking at them- as most girls would scream " let me see". I have all picture posts on my facebook as private before I tag myself. I used to not care... but I don't want my friends from other states see how overweight I am. I see the double chin that once was a chiseled portrait... I see my shoulders up. I NEVER take a full body pic.

This isn't anorexia or insecurity. This is me telling you that I am un happy with myself overweight and I have to do something before I waste my final 2 years in my twenties feeling horrible. I want to shop again. I want to stop self sabotaging myself. This is my oath to myself and to those who are reading. I will not stop until I am 30 pounds lighter. I will avoid bar food and pizza, but that doesn't mean I won't have it. I wish the best of luck to myself and to whomever is going through a similar battle. This is my fitness revolution.. for the 10th time in a row. But the last time. I will continue to write to myself every day until I no longer need the keyboard and monitor's support for me to get through this.