Terrified of being thin

VictorianJade

Well.

I'm new here... and I'm not going to post a sob story, but wanted to see if there are others out there like me... so, let me introduce myself:

I'm Jade. I'm 28, weigh more than I care to admit (like, way, way more. Way.), and am tired of it.

I was always a chubby kid, but used to be really into sports- soccer, hockey, volleyball, basketball, track and field, weight training... all the way up through grade 12. I loved exercise, loved sports, loved the companionship it brought. However, during that time, trauma began to show up- not sure what can be revealed here, but let's just say that I was assaulted, once at age 15 (he was unsuccessful, as I broke his jaw), and once at 17 (he was also unsuccessful and put in jail)... it was at that point, that I started to wear baggier clothes. I didn't want to be seen.

At 18, I was assaulted again by my then-fiance. He was successful... and again at 19, my boyfriend at the time tortured, raped, and tried to kill me. I had never, until that point, thought I was beautiful. I had always thought I was the fat girl, the one that boys didn't notice... I had always been made to feel that I wasn't pretty enough (my best friend was stunning). But after that, I actually looked in the mirror one day (at my then-heaviest weight), and saw that I was pretty.

It terrified me. I didn't want to be seen. I didn't want anyone to ever hurt me again. I'd had enough. So I started gaining weight. That I was in car accident after car accident didn't help (I was the passenger in each)... I couldn't even exercise anymore, something I had so enjoyed. Illness and injury followed, and lord knows, the psychological stuff kept me down.

So here I am, heavier than I've ever been. I've noticed over the years that I can LOSE weight relatively well... but when people start to notice and give praise, I get scared again, and stressed, and turn to food for comfort. Yep, I'm messed up.

So... wondering if there are others out there like me?

I'm ready to let this go. I want to move on, move past it. I want to grow up, and flourish and thrive. I want to be WELL, and I don't feel I have been for far too long.

SoldierDad

There is nothing i could ever say to make it better... But there are men out there who want hurt you. Pleae don'y give others the power to steal your life.
I'll be praying for peace and healing for you.
Blessings,
Ed

suziblues2000

wow. I really don't have any advice but I did notice one thing you wrote in your post:

"...I'm ready to let this go. I want to move on, move past it. I want to grow up, and flourish and thrive. I want to be WELL, and I don't feel I have been for far too long..."


There you go: in your own words! It's true: We all have the answers inside us already.

Good luck to you on your journey. This is a wonderful place, with great support and lots of good people, stick around! :flowerforyou:

aippolito1

I am so sorry those horrible things happened to you. I just want to tell you that no matter how big or small you are, that you are beautiful and you choose how you feel about yourself. You should never feel ashamed to feel or be beautiful. What they did to you was not your fault at all and I hope you can find a way to be confident and feel beautiful without guilt and that you'll be successful on your journey to better health. *hugs* Welcome to MFP!

futureonfire

I know it's scary. I personally haven't been through this but I have had 2 friends that went through this..

The only advice I can offer you is to put your faith in God. In order to renew our outer body, we have to first start inside. Renew your mind and spirit to who you believe that you are! You are a beautiful woman who DESERVES to be healthy, strong, and have ALL THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE!!

You REALLY DO DESERVE IT!! You just have to take one day at a time and combat the thoughts and beliefs head on, unafraid!

I hope this helps you. I can feel you pain through your post and I know that it's not easy, but you CAN do ANYTHING if you jsut do it a little bit at a time.

luv2teach32

Sounds like it's time for good things to happen to you. I can feel your pain because I have always been bigger since my parents' divorce when I was 7. That and my mother used to force food down my throat, which didn't help. I have had some major issues in my life that I just don't discuss with others, but I know how you feel about wanting to cover up and use food to comfort you. Even when I lose weight, I still could never show too much of my body. I actually feel sick if I think I'm showing too much skin. I have decided that I'm tired of having to buy clothes to fit my ever increasing waist line, and I also want to be a more active mother to my son. So, I have joined this site to help me see what I eat and how many calories I'm burning. There have also been some great people on here who have been very supportive and share their failures and successes. It helps to know that I'm not alone in this weight loss.

simona1972

I lived with someone who beat me daily and told me I was ugly, fat, and stupid. And for the longest time I believed her. She was my mother.

My weight was my security. I mean...if my own mother felt that way about me...what's to say that someone out there would actually find me attractive and desireable. So I didnt chance it. I put on the weight and was....happy....numb is more like it.

It wasnt until after she died that I realized all those things she said about me werent true and that she had her own issues and her own agenda. I made peace with that and with her and it was only then that I was able to start losing weight.

I know the fear. I weighed 350lbs when I joined this site. I know my life will change as I lose the weight and I know I deserve it. I deserve to be healthy and happy. And so do you.

VictorianJade

Guys...

thanks.

I'm fighting tears here, and it's a good thing.

Just hard to put it out there, y'know?

A few years back, I seemed to get past things, and had a time where I flourished. I did some plus-sized modelling, and felt good about myself, but other things have happened since... I've miscarried three children, and now can't pursue having kids until after the weight loss surgery that I'm signed up for.

I've never wanted the surgery. I've always wanted to be able to work the weight off, by myself, but I just can't seem to do it. So I'm signed up. Being that the wait lists are like, 5 years here, maybe I won't need it by the time the date rolls around. That's my goal.

simona1972

I've never wanted the surgery. I've always wanted to be able to work the weight off, by myself, but I just can't seem to do it. So I'm signed up. Being that the wait lists are like, 5 years here, maybe I won't need it by the time the date rolls around. That's my goal.

When I read the wait list is 5 years...my first thought...you must be Canadian! Im in Ontario and the wait list is about the same here but they [govt] just put millions into a new facility at one of our local [Toronto] hospitals to decrease the wait times. Ive considered surgery but really wanted to do this on my own...really just to prove to myself that I could.

VictorianJade

When I read the wait list is 5 years...my first thought...you must be Canadian! Im in Ontario and the wait list is about the same here but they [govt] just put millions into a new facility at one of our local [Toronto] hospitals to decrease the wait times. Ive considered surgery but really wanted to do this on my own...really just to prove to myself that I could.

Other side of the country. *smile*

lchisum

It isn't messed up to be afraid of change...that's a pretty normal emotion; even if you believe the change will be for the best it is still scary because it is unknown... I don't think you are afraid of being thin or beautiful, though it also isn't unusual for people who have been abused sexually to resist attracting attention. What you are most likely afraid of is who you will find when you face the thin you, but believe me, it is the same person that is in you today, and she is obviously an amazing and strong woman to have survived with the intelligence and determination that you are displaying in your posts! Losing weight won't change who you are and if it changes the way that people see you, well, they were never really looking at you, just the skin you were wearing!

VictorianJade

It isn't messed up to be afraid of change...that's a pretty normal emotion; even if you believe the change will be for the best it is still scary because it is unknown... I don't think you are afraid of being thin or beautiful, though it also isn't unusual for people who have been abused sexually to resist attracting attention. What you are most likely afraid of is who you will find when you face the thin you, but believe me, it is the same person that is in you today, and she is obviously an amazing and strong woman to have survived with the intelligence and determination that you are displaying in your posts! Losing weight won't change who you are and if it changes the way that people see you, well, they were never really looking at you, just the skin you were wearing!

Thank you,

*smile*

I weighed myself today... good results.

jrbowers83

Wow. I am blown away by your profound honesty and bravery for posting this introduction! I'm nervous about sharing too much personal history, but let's just say I have a bit of a similar past. And weight has so much to do with it. First I was chubby, so I thought that bad things happened to me because I was "no good, didn't deserve better." So then I went through some EDs through junior high and high school. Then when that just turned out to be WAAAAYYY more disastrous for me, leaving me open to further abuses, I turned to food for comfort and yeah to "hide" myself away. For me it was more like, I'm never going to be "pretty enough" so why even try? And so even now I am not doing this for vanity reasons (although I am finding a little inner confidence I didn't know I possessed as the weight is coming off, I find myself checking the mirror and taking pics of myself more often). I had some illnesses that the doctors attributed to my weight and told me to eat a little better and drop 5-10 lbs.... here I am -30 lbs. later and addicted to just being a healthier person! I feel like things are finally going right for me as I have recently found salvation, so I'm getting myself healthy inside and out, and it really shows. Good luck on your journey

VictorianJade

Wow. I am blown away by your profound honesty and bravery for posting this introduction! I'm nervous about sharing too much personal history, but let's just say I have a bit of a similar past. And weight has so much to do with it. First I was chubby, so I thought that bad things happened to me because I was "no good, didn't deserve better." So then I went through some EDs through junior high and high school. Then when that just turned out to be WAAAAYYY more disastrous for me, leaving me open to further abuses, I turned to food for comfort and yeah to "hide" myself away. For me it was more like, I'm never going to be "pretty enough" so why even try? And so even now I am not doing this for vanity reasons (although I am finding a little inner confidence I didn't know I possessed as the weight is coming off, I find myself checking the mirror and taking pics of myself more often). I had some illnesses that the doctors attributed to my weight and told me to eat a little better and drop 5-10 lbs.... here I am -30 lbs. later and addicted to just being a healthier person! I feel like things are finally going right for me as I have recently found salvation, so I'm getting myself healthy inside and out, and it really shows. Good luck on your journey

*tight hugs*

VictorianJade

See, here's the thing. I did really well, my first week on here.

And then I panicked, when the scale said I lost weight. Initially I was thrilled, but then the subconscious panic kicked in.

Or else it was just the stellar sh*ttiness of last week that did... but even though I've been under calorie goal all week (except for being ONE over yesterday), I think I've gained weight again.

*sigh*

rjadams

Another way of looking at this journey is that instead of aiming for thin and beautiful which you are slightly afraid of, aim for healthy and strong. The other stuff is just a side effect and a benefit. concentrate your efforts on becoming as strong and healthy as you can be. You are a strong woman. You have proven that by being brave honest and open. And you are a survivor. So enjoy the journey of making your body physically stronger and healthier. You can do it. :flowerforyou: I will pray for you. So mote it be.

arfletcher

Its hard when we have to fight against our own learned behaviors - No wonder you dont want to "show off" your body! Its a wonder that you are even able to have a current boyfriend with all the garbage that has happened to you! It is really hard to adjust your mind to a "new" body and "new" habits (eating healthy, exercising...) And its really hard to make an adjustment from being "the fat girl" to being ok with your body and ok with trying to make those changes...

It was different, but for me it was understanding that just because I had been told that I was fat and out of shape didnt mean that I didnt have a right to be healthy and in shape! (thanks mom for messing me up so beautifully!) I quite litterally had to give myself permission to start to exercise - I didnt think that I deserved to be healthy as I had not been healthy! I had to give myself permission to start enjoying food again, instead of being guilty for every bite.

I will also tell you, I was terrified when I realized that I was no longer one of the fat girls! I actually went through a bit of an identity crisis! It has taken me a really long time to get past that.

You have started this and that is the hardest part...regardless of how many times you "fall off the wagon" (I dont really like to think of it like that ) You have started and thats what matters! You have recognized that you need to make a change (just like the drug adicts that have to admit that they have a problem before they can start to get better ) and have taken the first steps towards that change, both physical and mental! Give yourself a giant hand for that and go forward one day at a time!

VictorianJade

Thanks, you two.