Boyfriend needs anger management, can someone relate?

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jdurham87
jdurham87 Posts: 62
in Chit-Chat
Well, I've been dating him for 2 1/2 years. We've been living with each other the whole time (weird I know). I've been having a lot of trouble on deciding if I should stay with him or not due to the fact that he has serious anger problems. He isn't mean towards me, it's just when he is losing in his video game, or when my neices are being too loud when he's sleeping, or if I leave my clothes on the floor and in his way, or minuscule things like these happen then he turns into this horrible monster that curses and breaks stuff. He's so uptight and judgemental, it drives me crazy! I'm the total opposite (layed back, tender-hearted, believes everyone should have a chance) It's like we're star crossed lovers (not really but its the best way I can explain how much we love each other) If we get along so great when he's not irate does that mean we are okay to be with each other? Should I not put up with this? I know he can't help his anger and that's why I give him so much slack but I'm beginning to wonder if maybe he belongs to someone more like him. I could use some comments from some people who have/have had this same problem. I'm starting to become hopeless.
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Replies

  • alisaperry74
    alisaperry74 Posts: 99
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    No, I do not think you should put up with it. This is not normal behavior. I can't say I can relate, because I could never be with someone like that and therefore have not experienced it. I wish you the best and sincerely hope your boyfriend does get some help.
  • tansyf
    tansyf Posts: 66 Member
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    No, I do not think you should put up with it. This is not normal behavior. I can't say I can relate, because I could never be with someone like that and therefore have not experienced it. I wish you the best and sincerely hope your boyfriend does get some help.

    Totally agree, way way out of order, you could do so much better, and yes I hope he gets himself some help xxx
  • courtney_love2001
    courtney_love2001 Posts: 1,468 Member
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    I guess you have to think about what it would be like to be married to him. Would he freak out one day and hit you, or your future children? If the answer to this is yes, get rid of him!
  • LeeiaL
    LeeiaL Posts: 40
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    Please do NOT marry this person. As a matter of fact, get as far away from him as quick as you can! I know what I'm talking about, I was involved with someone once that had anger issues. It doesn't get better as time goes by, it gets worse and can lead to worse things happening.

    DO NOT be fooled into believing that you can fix him, because you can't. He needs to get help, and you should make it clear to him that until he does, you are gone.

    You are not crazy...he is unreasonable and needs help beyond what he can get within the confines of your relationship. But I'm guessing he doesn't think anything is wrong with him,...it must be you - something you said, did, didn't do, didn't say, etc. Unfortunately, I've been there, done that. Don't rationalize his behavior. Don't second-guess yourself. Once you are away from him, you will see, things will return to normal and you will feel 'sane' again.

    Get out. NOW.
  • buggaboo73
    buggaboo73 Posts: 169
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    Listen darlin I was in your shoes for a long, long time. Twenty years. High school sweethearts. Never hit me but the emotional abuse, the constant criticism and the angry, unpredictable blow ups......they get real old.

    And let me tell you, it is easier to leave now then it will be in 20 years, after you have kids and a mortgage or two and your families are all intertwined. You will be bound for life then whether you like it or not, even after divorce. That's where I am now, mid divorce and trying to sort out all the belongings, all the relationships, and it's amicable but it's amicable at MY expense, just asit always has been, because I bite my tongue to keep it peaceful for the kids.

    But I digress.......anyway my point is I wish I had listened to that little voice when I was 18, 19, 20........telling me this person is selfish, angry, rude. All I can tell you is......if it's not good NOW......it's not going to be good later. Time, debt and children make a dysfunctional relationship worse, not better. Just MHO. Good luck.
  • ka_42
    ka_42 Posts: 720 Member
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    Just your topic title made me laugh out loud! I don't think my boyfriend is as bad as yours maybe. We've been together for 1.5 years and if he doesn't chill out it will probably get as bad as your situation! I love my boyfriend so so much. BUT, he gets angry at the drop of a hat. If I leave a light on, if people are going to slow and he's driving behind them. He lets little things ruin his whole day. If your boyfriend is breaking things... that's just not cool. I'm sure you have.... but maybe if you just tell him, you need to FIX your anger problem (i.e. go see a therapist) or we're over! Whenever my boyfriend and I have this conversation it ends with him saying he doesn't want to lose me. It makes me feel better til the next time around. My bf would definitely not go to group therapy or anything but I've suggested it to him. Good luck!!!!!!!
  • mvl1014
    mvl1014 Posts: 531
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    I grew up in a house with someone who needed anger management and the emotional abuse was too much to handle. I haven't been back in years. It's better you move on now.
  • thumper44
    thumper44 Posts: 1,464 Member
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    No woman or man should have to "put up" with that kind of behavior.
    As others just mentioned, would you like to spend the rest of your life with him? If you want to give him a chance and really love him, tell him he needs to see someone about his problems, or your out the door.

    Good luck!
  • ♥seoid♥
    ♥seoid♥ Posts: 476
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    i have anger issues. people are going to think this is weird, but they are hard to control. it can be a chemical imbalance, it can be a result of depression. i have been prescribed some meds to help deal with mine. and i also see a counselor. have him talk to a doctor before you give up on him. just be careful in the meantime.
  • Sunsh1ne
    Sunsh1ne Posts: 879 Member
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    This is not normal, and you should not "put up with it." He may not strike out at you physically, but what you are describing is a type of emotional abuse. You deserve better. You are obviously here because you want to improve the quality of your life - losing the abusive boyfriend is a step in the right direction.
  • cathcakey
    cathcakey Posts: 288 Member
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    Definitely wrong to say that he can't help his anger - that's not right. If he wanted to he should be able to do something about it. Have you spoken to him about it at all?
  • ♥seoid♥
    ♥seoid♥ Posts: 476
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    understand that i'm not saying it's right of him to act this way....what i am saying is have him seek out some medical attention. if it continues, then i would leave.
  • aippolito1
    aippolito1 Posts: 4,894 Member
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    Leave his *kitten* on the curb, honey. If your heart is telling you something is wrong or that you should leave him, you should. I know you've been together a long time and he's a major part of your whole world but trust me when I say that if you don't trust your instincts now, it will get worse and you will regret not leaving sooner.
  • peggyo
    peggyo Posts: 6
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    I dated someone like that when I was a teenager. He had the worst mood swings. One minute he was great, the next it was like he was a totally different person. Then the day came he decided to take a swing at me. I left and never came back. I too had my doubts like you before he got physical. My family and friends tried to tell me but I didn't listen even though I knew in my head that something wasn't right.

    You said he isn't mean to you but then you mention he gets mad at you when you leave things on the floor. Does he verbally abuse you? If so, you know it's not right.

    You don't deserve to be in a relationship with "a horrible monster" and yes, he can control his anger with some help.

    Listen to what your head is telling you.
  • kksam
    kksam Posts: 38
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    No one needs to put up with this type of behavior. He need to address his problem and learn how to handle it, before it escalates to a much more serious problem. If you can talk to him on ths, and he feels he doesn't have a problem, then you have to look at this from the outside. Soul mates or not, this is not normal. You didn't say how old you are, but at any age, there comes a time to realise when you have to move on......if things don't get better. It'll be hard emotionaly, but we all survive and most of us move on to much better things. Good luck:ohwell:
  • VictorianJade
    VictorianJade Posts: 705 Member
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    My ex-fiance was like this. When things were good, he'd buy me flowers, we'd have lots of fun, loved spending time together... but then he used to flip out over the smallest things.

    He eventually turned abusive... hitting, trying to isolate me from family and friends, sexual assault, etc... and I stayed, because I had no confidence. I believed him when he told me no one else would ever love me.

    And yet it started out as just a temper... and deteriorated into this abusive person...


    please, be good to yourself, and leave.
  • Aubreygrrl
    Aubreygrrl Posts: 13 Member
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    Seriously concerned for you (even though i'm sure you blow it off all the time) but even more concerned if you got pregnant or had children, it's an awful environment to be in. I really hope he gets help or you leave, I know it's hard being in love with somebody like this but I've seen these situations go from bad to worse quickly. Do not mistake their abuse/anger for passion. Good luck
  • adegonia
    adegonia Posts: 51 Member
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    It sounds like you are dating my ex husband LOL. Seriously though, that is emotional abuse it will not get better no matter how much you love him or try to make his life stress free so he won't have anything to freak out about. I wasted 10 years with someone like that and thought if I could just get us to the perfect life he would calm down. Well 2 brand new cars, new house on 10 acres and a daughter later nothing changed. I decided that although I allowed myself to be treated like that I didn't want my daughter to think that was how a man behaves himself. So I left and gave him everything so he wouldn't fight me for custody of a child he had no interest in raising. Don't mess up like I did, if you find yourself catering to him to keep him happy, making decision about little stuff based on what he would like, making excuses and hiding parts of your relationship from people because you are embarrassed then GET OUT NOW. You wouldn't be asking if you didn't already know that is what you needed to to. Please get out before you have kids and waste your life with someone who will never be able to treat you like he should. Maybe he can't help it but that doesn't mean you have to suffer for the rest of your life for it!
  • amicklin
    amicklin Posts: 452
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    I absolutely completely understand!!!! I have been in that VERY situation, not that long ago. I have been with my boyfriend (now fiancée) for 2.5 almost 3 years. He had alot of anger, control issues. We all have our issues and vices that we must all face, anger is his. We had an instance where he ended up throwing something at me and kicked me out. A very 'explosive' situation. I don't tell you that to make you think that that behaviour is acceptable, because it is not.

    He has since gotten therapy, done alot of personal work. It is something he must always keep in his mind. We are happily engaged now. While hte vast majority do not recover and don't seem to be able to move beyond that, change is possible. You need to find what makes you happy and what this is worth to you. He has to want the change.

    :drinker:
  • nolachick
    nolachick Posts: 3,278 Member
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    i have anger issues. people are going to think this is weird, but they are hard to control. it can be a chemical imbalance, it can be a result of depression. i have been prescribed some meds to help deal with mine. and i also see a counselor. have him talk to a doctor before you give up on him. just be careful in the meantime.

    great advice - ask him to see somone for therapy or meds and if can't get this u nder control, you DON'T have to put with it.
    you also have to think long term as other ppl suggested - what about when you're married? have kids? they are a handful - will he be lashing out at them everysingle day?

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