When friends say the WRONG thing!

fatalis_vox

So about a week ago, I stepped on a scale and discovered that I weigh almost ten pounds more than I thought I did. Which means a total gain of about 15 pounds in the year since I quit smoking. So I decided to lose the weight.

So I started running more, and eating less, and eating healthier. And I did really well! I made healthy choices, and wound up at a little better than the deficit goal I had almost every day of the week.

And you know what? It worked! When I stepped on the scale yesterday, after one week of these real efforts to lose weight, I lost weight! The scale said I lost almost 3 pounds! I'm sure not all of that was legitimate loss. I had eaten already when I stepped on the scale last week, and hydration levels and various other factors, but I'm sure that at least part of it -was- legitimate weight loss. Perhaps the pound I was intending to lose last week.

So I posted about it on my facebook. I dropped from 145 to 142.2! I was happy! I was excited! And my dear friend, with the best of intentions...

Said that there was no way I could weigh THAT MUCH. That the scale must have been broken.

...THAT MUCH. AFTER I lost almost 3 pounds.

And all of my happy, my excitement, my sense of accomplishment? Just vanished. And for the first (and hopefully only!) time in my life, I felt fat. I have -never- felt so bad about my weight as I did at that moment, as I am feeling right now. I know that I've done awesome this week, I know that I should be really proud of myself, that I should be feeling really good.

But I just don't,. And I could use some support, a reminder that I -am- doing well. Someone to...well, make me feel better about what I'm doing, and about what I've accomplished. Help?

MysticRealm

I think what they were trying to say is that you LOOK much thinner than that weight. I think they meant it as a compliment that they never would have guessed you weigh what you do b/c you look so trim.
Nobody ever thought I weighted what I weighted cause I carried it fairly well (and walked around with my gut sucked in 24/7 )

SRT4twg

I totally get what you mean. Even though they had good intentions it comes off rude and its discouraging. Most people have no idea how much someone should weigh. I had to do extensive research to figure out my goal/realistic weight. Just think of your friend as an uneducated source :-) 3 lbs is awesome! Your doing great.

Kadesha72

I agree with Mystic up there, you probably LOOK like you weigh much less. AT my job, on the days we have clinic I have the task of checking people in, which is getting their vitals and weighing them... I like to play the game in my head of guessing by looking at them what they are going to weigh (IN MY HEAD).... and I'm shocked a LOT of the time. People carry weight in different ways. I, myself, have been met with that same reaction if they find out how much I really weigh, "What?? No you don't!!! There's no way you weigh that much!"

I'm sure she did NOT mean to make you feel fat.

Kadesha72

OH, and good job with the 3 lbs... hard work pays off!!!

sissiluv

I agree with the above people. I'm sure she meant it that you look like you weigh so much less that the scale was just being mean to you.
I get this all the time, due to my height and frame. It can be discouraging but it's best if you take it as a compliment.

Good job by the way! Three pounds is awesome, keep on going!

barmatal

Yeah, it's like "You can't be that old!". It's meant to be a compliment but it makes you feel old

Friends can say very wrong things like:

"Dieting is a waste of time, you're fat because of your genes and you can't change that"
"You're having a protein shake? Only bodybuilders do that!"
"Come on, you went to the gym yesterday, you can have one or two whole pizzas today"
"You're improving your body? That's so superficial, you should improve your mind" (said by an obese coworker, of course)
"Your roomate has a set of weights and a bench? Oh, he is a real jerk" (That's the only thing he knew about him at that moment)

fatalis_vox

Maybe I would have taken it to mean more "you don't look like that" if he'd seen me in the last three months. XD I know he meant the best, but it was just...a really lousy way to start my day.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement!

fatalis_vox

Yeah, it's like "You can't be that old!". It's meant to be a compliment but it makes you feel old

EXACTLY like that. I -know- I'm not fat, but I am overweight and I don't like it. It gets so frustrating when people don't get that. I've never really been sensitive about my weight, but when I'm working so hard to make a positive change in my body and my life, and people just write it off like that, it's discouraging.

The thing I hate the most, I think, is the people who tell me that I shouldn't be trying to lose weight, because THEY like the way I look. That's nice to hear, but it is not healthy. On the one hand, that's how people go from "a little overweight" to "Seriously overweight" before they realize that there's a problem. And on the other hand, well...

I'm the only person who has to live with me. From the moment I was born until the moment I die, I have to live with myself. So I had better like myself. If someone else likes the way I look, that's awesome. I'm glad. But if I'm not happy for myself, then I'm changing for me. You can like the way I look all you want and it doesn't matter if -I- don't. I get very self-righteous about that, haha.

5ftnFun

Oh, good grief! The friend was paying you a compliment for goodness sake.

hdutoit17

Oh, good grief! The friend was paying you a compliment for goodness sake.

Is this suposed to be a nice comment? It doesnt sound like it.



Anyway.......congrats with your weightloss!!!

geebusuk

I'd take that to be a compliment too.

And yes - I carry my weight really well thanks to a big build including a large rib cage - meaning that even at 15 stone or so, people were saying "no, you're not fat at all".

Remember too that lots of people can look good while being a bit heavier thanks to muscle rather than fat - especially being a bloke, I'd quite happily weigh 200lb if the extra weight was muscle .

fatalis_vox

Oh, good grief! The friend was paying you a compliment for goodness sake.

Sorry, hon, I think you're lost. The "Being a douche to random people who are having a bad day" forum is three blocks up, on the left. Good luck!

ThriftyChica12

i hear you.

a few years ago, i lost 65 pounds.

at my new low weight, perfectly within healthy range for my height, i went into a store

the sales lady came up to me, said hello, and told me, "and if you're looking for plus sizes, we have those in the back."

i went out to my car and sobbed.

lesson? people can be %$#@%&*((&%! tell them off, ignore them, whatever u have to do, but don't let it derail you.

5ftnFun

Oh, good grief! The friend was paying you a compliment for goodness sake.

Sorry, hon, I think you're lost. The "Being a douche to random people who are having a bad day" forum is three blocks up, on the left. Good luck!

If a comment from your friend like this causes you to have a "bad day", then your problems are bigger than a number on a scale. Just saying sweetie. :flowerforyou:

fatalis_vox

I'd take that to be a compliment too.

And yes - I carry my weight really well thanks to a big build including a large rib cage - meaning that even at 15 stone or so, people were saying "no, you're not fat at all".

Remember too that lots of people can look good while being a bit heavier thanks to muscle rather than fat - especially being a bloke, I'd quite happily weigh 200lb if the extra weight was muscle .

I definitely agree with you on that! And I look okay, but I've got too much tummy. As I said, a lot of this weight has been gained slowly since I quit smoking. And I met this friend just after I quit, so he maybe hasn't noticed the weight sneaking on a few ounces at a time. I know he had the best of intentions, but it still made me feel bad.

I have a healthy amount of muscle, but I also have an unhealthy amount of fat, and I want it to go away. If I weighed 135 with the 26-inch waist that I used to have, I'd be fine with it. But I can -see- the difference in my body, in my muscletone, in the way I'm shaped. And for someone to be like "You can't weigh THAT MUCH" sucks. Because, well, I do weigh THAT MUCH. I know it's a mind-boggling number, but it's what I weigh.

Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. I'd be fine if it were muscle, too. Sadly, it's not. So I gotta work on that.

fatalis_vox

i hear you.

a few years ago, i lost 65 pounds.

at my new low weight, perfectly within healthy range for my height, i went into a store

the sales lady came up to me, said hello, and told me, "and if you're looking for plus sizes, we have those in the back."

i went out to my car and sobbed.

lesson? people can be %$#@%&*((&%! tell them off, ignore them, whatever u have to do, but don't let it derail you.

That's a terrible story. I kinda wanna smack that lady for you. I'm sorry that happened.

And I'm not letting it derail me. It was just not the best thing to hear right after I was so excited about my gain. =/

5ftnFun

Oh, good grief! The friend was paying you a compliment for goodness sake.

Is this suposed to be a nice comment? It doesnt sound like it.



Anyway.......congrats with your weightloss!!!

Think of it as a reality check. If this is the worst thing going on for her right now, then life is pretty darn good.

ThriftyChica12

yeah, i kinda wish i had smacked her too!

and that's another part of the lesson:

telling people "that comment pissed me off" or "i know you're trying to help, but please don't say anything about my weight" etc

because, the worst part with these incidents: we bottle up the anger and hurt, and hold on to it. we don't have to "lash out" but if we at least let the person know where we stand, it lets out some feelings!

JessicaRobin67

i hear you.

a few years ago, i lost 65 pounds.

at my new low weight, perfectly within healthy range for my height, i went into a store

the sales lady came up to me, said hello, and told me, "and if you're looking for plus sizes, we have those in the back."

i went out to my car and sobbed.

lesson? people can be %$#@%&*((&%! tell them off, ignore them, whatever u have to do, but don't let it derail you.



*This happened to me too... like we don't know where the plus sizes are?! BEsides, in this store, I look for all sizes for my family. It does hurt.

LorinaLynn

Maybe I would have taken it to mean more "you don't look like that" if he'd seen me in the last three months. XD I know he meant the best, but it was just...a really lousy way to start my day.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement!

He? It was a guy?

I realize I'm making a sweeping generalization, but guys often have no frickin' clue what women really weigh. They've been oggling Playboy centerfolds since puberty, and those women are 5'10 and never weigh more than 120 pounds. So, he sees you, a gorgeous, sexy woman... and naturally he's going to assume you don't weigh any more than the centerfolds.

My friends refer to it as "boy pounds." It's kind of like dog years.

I had a similar thing happen. I was so excited after a few months on MFP when I clicked the button to finish my food diary, and it said in five weeks I'd weigh 140 pounds. YES! I hadn't been 140 in years! I called my husband over to my computer to show him the message, and he said, "I don't get it... isn't that MORE than you weigh now?" :laugh:

I took it as a compliment. And so should you.

Stenobun

Your friend is kinda dumb. BTW, I'd love to weigh 145 pounds. I think you're doing fantastic.

saxmaniac

I realize I'm making a sweeping generalization, but guys often have no frickin' clue what women really weigh. They've been oggling Playboy centerfolds since puberty, and those women are 5'10 and never weigh more than 120 pounds. So, he sees you, a gorgeous, sexy woman... and naturally he's going to assume you don't weigh any more than the centerfolds. My friends refer to it as "boy pounds." It's kind of like dog years.

I know! We're such idiots. To combat such sweeping ignorance, be sure to let every man you know how much you really weigh, along with full-body shots if you're on facebook -- that should solve the problem. :drinker:

invincible_summer

I started my diet last August at a BMI of around 24. At the time I posted on facebook about my diet because I was excited about eating healthily and exercising. Then one person felt the need to send several private messages saying "I think you are orthorexic. You don't need to diet and shouldn't be. I used to think you were smart."

It was intrusive and rude, so I blocked him. It made me stop posting about dieting though. Now I only mention it to a close friend who also uses MFP. My BMI is now around 20/21 (18lb less) and I look better. Just ignore the person.

tattoogal77

Congrats on losing those 3lbs!!!

People can say things without thinking first. I am sure the friend meant their statement is the kindest way,but remember who you are doing this for=YOU. I hope you had other friends who just shared in the joy and happiness you had for yourself that day and let the rest go because it doesn't matter..

pelleld

Maybe I would have taken it to mean more "you don't look like that" if he'd seen me in the last three months. XD I know he meant the best, but it was just...a really lousy way to start my day.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement!

He? It was a guy?

I realize I'm making a sweeping generalization, but guys often have no frickin' clue what women really weigh. They've been oggling Playboy centerfolds since puberty, and those women are 5'10 and never weigh more than 120 pounds. So, he sees you, a gorgeous, sexy woman... and naturally he's going to assume you don't weigh any more than the centerfolds.

My friends refer to it as "boy pounds." It's kind of like dog years.

I had a similar thing happen. I was so excited after a few months on MFP when I clicked the button to finish my food diary, and it said in five weeks I'd weigh 140 pounds. YES! I hadn't been 140 in years! I called my husband over to my computer to show him the message, and he said, "I don't get it... isn't that MORE than you weigh now?" :laugh:

I took it as a compliment. And so should you.

Boy pounds......I love it! Made me laugh this morning.....thanks!

Hmmcglothl

It blows my boyfriend's mind that at my thinnest I weighed 140 lbs. I'm 5' 8" and any smaller than 140lbs and I look like death. Just simply way too skinny in the 130's. All collar bone and skinny neck. He guessed my weight at 125lbs max. I loved him for the compliment but laughed at the look on his face when I told him the truth. Most men have absolutely NO clue what a woman weighs.

murphy612

My friends refer to it as "boy pounds." It's kind of like dog years.

I like this

DrMAvDPhD

Sounds like it was well intentioned but not well thought out. I would keep specific numbers to yourself from now on, though.

juliekins64

5ftnFun
why would you post something unsupporting and they return again to continue commenting on the OP
I am sure there are plenty other places on the internet for you to complain about things, just saying....

Vailara

I think it was probably meant as a compliment too - he meant that he'd have estimated your weight as lighter than it is. I have had friends who really do look lighter than they are, and I have been taken aback when they told me their weights. I'm a terrible judge of weight anyway, and I bet I wouldn't notice if somebody gained or lost 15 lb. Well done on the 3lb loss - that's 20% of your goal done already!