Unintentionally hurtful comment

krissy_krossy

(Please excuse any unnecessary rambling, it's a bit late)

After years of struggling with food and weight, 6 years, to be exact (and a weight range of 95lbs to 191lbs) I obviously don't have a very "normal" relationship with food. Or self-image, though I'm working on both.

My husband is aware of my years of food issues and has been overall supportive. He loved me when I was inhaling mac and cheese and he loves me and supports me now in my endeavor to get to a healthy weight and maintain it through a healthy lifestyle. Sometimes he says things though that aren't meant to be hurtful, but they are. He's not unkind, but more that he doesn't have a lot of tact.

Today (well yesterday now) was sort of a landmark for me as I hit 20 pounds lost total (18 since MFP, as I lost 2 before starting to log.) I was feeling all sorts of proud and shared the news, he said he was proud, hugged me, then said something along the lines of: "Well, I can tell you've lost weight in your legs and backside, but not really in your stomach, which is sort of weird. Usually men carry their weight mostly in their abdomen." (I'm paraphrasing, but it's pretty close.)

I know he was being objective, rather than trying to take a jab at me, but it still sort of bothered me. I mean, I can't control where my weight comes off. Now I sort of feel like I look like a Weeble-Wobble or something.

Anyway, in my frustration I tottered between wanting to vow to never eat again and eating the whole kitchen because my feelings were hurt. Settled for eating a reasonable amount of food for the day and grumping a bit.

Just sort of hurt, I guess, and I didn't know any other place where people might understand. Sorry this is so long.

jenilla1

It was kind of a dumb thing to say, but he clearly meant well. And it's true that some parts of our bodies lose fat faster than others. The fact that he acknowledges/notices your progress shows he cares and shows it's working. Eventually you will see the abdominal fat come down, too. For now, realize it's gonna take some time to get to your goal, but really appreciate and celebrate the great work you've done so far. Keep at it! :smooched:

sanalupe

he might not actually realise he hurt you. Right now you might be oversensitive (I am like that) and get hurt at almost any comment. Not to worry and keep up the hard work, you are not alone.

penelopeyvonne

Hi Kristina! Hurtful comments - unintentional or otherwise - kind of go with the territory when you're carrying extra pounds. I'm over 50, and have been overweight for most of my life - certainly all of my adult life. Two comments that have stayed with me are (from my nephew when he was about 5 (he's 22 now!)): why does Auntie's tummy move up and down when she laughs? and (from a skinny work colleague when he was complaining that a meeting room was cold and I said it wasn't) well of course you've got plenty of insulation. Both of which, of course, I laughed off the way fat people do.

But remember that your husband IS proud of you, loves you fat or thin, and it probably just one of those observational comments that are said before the mouth engages the brain.

And I don't blame you for eating the kitchen... been there, done that! Food isn't just there to keep the body going... it IS there to offer comfort every now and again.

But WELL DONE YOU! Keep up the good work!!

Mambina

First of all, congratulations! That is one hard struggle, and you've come SO far!

Now second of all, my ex would say stuff like that too. He didn't even think about it. He would just put out a comment about something on my body, and then go on as if he had said something insignificant like "goodmorning" or so. He seriously had no idea how he made me feel (funny enough it still gets to me on bad days even though it's years ago).

In the end I think your husbands remarks have nothing to do with him saying that there's something "wrong" with you or your body. It's merely a projection of things you feel are wrong yourself. That might be where you need to make a change; in your mind and your thoughts about your body. So body image. So hard to do, I'm still struggeling.

Hope you can put it behind you, and convince yourself that he didn't mean it the way you interpret it.

xx

SmangeDiggs

Sometimes we lose our tact filter when we are with our loved ones, i have a problem with being to objective at the best of times and have to work really hard to not give people the actual response im thinking of. My poor husband however is constantly on the receiving end of my not so tactful comments and its taken awhile for him to not get hurt or upset by the things i say, alternately he's also been teaching me to think before i speak.
I think communication about the comment and how it made you feel is the key, i bet he is completely oblivious to the turmoil his comment made you feel and would be really upset to know how it made you feel.

lambchoplewis

I am very proud of your weight loss and so is your husband. Men sometimes just want to fix things and sometimes say the wrong thing. Not to worry. At least your breasts are not the first thing to go!!! Mine are all but gone and I get "flat" comments every now and then!!! I take it as a badge of honor for losing weight!!!

Keep up good work