family drama

katybateman

help
i have not spoken to any one on my fathers side of the family bar one cousin since i was five and i wanted to see my grandfather before he died but i didn't want him to see me like this i wanted to be skinny and show that i am a confident person and i have turned out OK rather than this big blob. i wanted him too see that i didn't need any one to be a better or stronger person

he died yesterday so i havent seen him

however their is a funeral and my cousin thinks i should go but i do not want to face people that:
i do not know
i hate them
they left me
iv had no contact , my sister get birthday cards and Christmas cards which i know ain't rly worth much but i don't get them

and didn't try to see where or what i was doing what could a five your old do that was that bad

my grandad did not once try to contact me in all of these years so why should i bother going if he cared i would of at least expected a letter of a phone call of some form but nothing so what is the point in worrying over some one that does not care

what should i do help

Dauntlessness

help
i have not spoken to any one on my fathers side of the family bar one cousin since i was five and i wanted to see my grandfather before he died but i didn't want him to see me like this i wanted to be skinny and show that i am a confident person and i have turned out OK rather than this big blob. i wanted him too see that i didn't need any one to be a better or stronger person

he died yesterday so i havent seen him

however their is a funeral and my cousin thinks i should go but i do not want to face people that:
i do not know
i hate them
they left me
iv had no contact , my sister get birthday cards and Christmas cards which i know ain't rly worth much but i don't get them

and didn't try to see where or what i was doing what could a five your old do that was that bad

my grandad did not once try to contact me in all of these years so why should i bother going if he cared i would of at least expected a letter of a phone call of some form but nothing so what is the point in worrying over some one that does not care

what should i do help

First thing, we have been friends for a while now and I KNOW you are gorgeous, smart, funny and accomplished. There is no way your a blob and no way your grandfather would ever think of you that way either.

I would go if I were you. Its not about your estranged family, its about YOU getting closure. Its about you seeing him one last time and hopefully forgiving him for not being in your life. I am sure he would want you to let go of that so you can move on and be happy. You don't have to talk to anyone, just excuse yourself politely and walk away if anyone tries to.

Much love girly

dangerousdumpling

At this point it's not about your grandfather or other family members that you haven't had contact with. It's about you and whether or not you'll be tormented about not going to the funeral. There doesn't have to be drama. If you do go, and someone says something unpleasant you could just say, "I just came to pay my respects and say goodbye". Hopefully you would be able to do that in peace, but if not, at least you could say you did what you could and be at peace with that.

xxnellie146xx

I would go if I were you. Its not about your estranged family, its about YOU getting closure. Its about you seeing him one last time and hopefully forgiving him for not being in your life. I am sure he would want you to let go of that so you can move on and be happy. You don't have to talk to anyone, just excuse yourself politely and walk away if anyone tries to.

Agreed.

quirkytizzy

I am unsure if I will attend my mother's own funeral, so I get the frustration and fear going back and forth about it.

As another poster said, you need to ask if you will be okay with yourself if you don't go. Proceed accordingly. When the time comes, that's the question I'll have to ask myself.

plynn54

its your grandfather, if you want to go, then go, it doesnt matter what anyone elese thinks, you might regret it if you dont.

sorry about your loss

cebreisch

The bigger question is: How would you feel if you Didn't go? I missed going to my great-grandmother's funeral and that was almost 30 years ago, and I still regret not going.

This isn't about how awful they treated you in the past - and nobody can go back and change that anyway. It could be an opportunity for you to reconnect with that side of the family, if they're willing.

Decide if you can live with it if you don't go. If you do end up going, best to not expect much from those you haven't seen in years - they may not have "grown much" over the years. You know you're in a better place, and that's all you need to know.

I understand the insecurity of not wanting to go and interact with them.

Wish I could help more.

sunsnstatheart

help
i have not spoken to any one on my fathers side of the family bar one cousin since i was five and i wanted to see my grandfather before he died but i didn't want him to see me like this i wanted to be skinny and show that i am a confident person and i have turned out OK rather than this big blob. i wanted him too see that i didn't need any one to be a better or stronger person

he died yesterday so i havent seen him

however their is a funeral and my cousin thinks i should go but i do not want to face people that:
i do not know
i hate them
they left me
iv had no contact , my sister get birthday cards and Christmas cards which i know ain't rly worth much but i don't get them

and didn't try to see where or what i was doing what could a five your old do that was that bad

my grandad did not once try to contact me in all of these years so why should i bother going if he cared i would of at least expected a letter of a phone call of some form but nothing so what is the point in worrying over some one that does not care

what should i do help

I wouldn't go. He is someone you have a blood relationship with who you didn't know. You were the child for years and he didn't reach out? Now you have some duty to him, because why? Why put yourself through the pain and agony of seeing people you don't want to see out of some vague sense of duty to someone like that? Keep living your life and loving the people actually in it. Hold them close and spend your time and energy on them. I'm sorry you have to deal with that!

mockchoc

I'm really sorry you had to live like this, it's not ok. I myself wouldn't bother going to the funeral. He will not know if you are there or not so what is the point? Take care and know that it was them and not you at all because as you said a five year old couldn't have done a thing wrong. {hugs}

katybateman

i tghink your right what is the point
he has not done any thing for me so why should i bother
xx

RekindledRose

Don't go, unless there's an inheritance in it. Seriously, though. Don't go.

Your grandfather is gone. It won't benefit him or make you feel better.

Those people are not your family other than blood. Stay away.

BeachGingerOnTheRocks

i tghink your right what is the point
he has not done any thing for me so why should i bother
xx

Please take care of you.

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this, and my heart hurts for you. But you have nothing to feel guilty for, and there is no obligation. When you are young, you are defenseless and at the mercy of adults who are duty-bound to protect and nurture you. If they fail in that duty, you owe them nothing.

Living a life separate from them keeps you from being exposed to the toxicity that they've already created in your relationship. You didn't make the relationship toxic. They did.

pseudomuffin

If you're not comfortable going then don't go. You can grieve on your own and go visit his grave if you know where they're burying him (if not, maybe ask the cousin that you still talk to, or maybe your sister who seems to have some contact) to have your closure... I'm sorry you didn't see him before he died, but don't beat yourself up over it. He wouldn't have wanted you to be miserable.

now_or_never13

I would still go. I wouldn't want to look back in ten years from now and say "I should of gone"

Go to the funeral, arrive just before it starts, sit at the back and pay your respects. Leave when it's done. You don't need to communicate with anyone there if you don't want to.

It's a form of closure.

Go to the funeral, ignore everyone else there if you want to. You may be able to reconnect at the funeral... it happens. Sometimes it takes a major event like a death in the family to bring people together.

mockchoc

OP do you know why his side of the family never contacted you? This plays a big part in if you should go for closure or not... even though I don't get the funeral thing being closure, he is dead and can't hear or see if you are there so just say a prayer or something from bed if you need to or see a councellor. You don't want to go there if it's just going to bring problems into your life by seeing them.

katybateman

i cant remember i know atht mum got remarried and with in a month he didnt want to see me or my sister so guess thats why

ddky

I vote that you go. Think of the classiest, most well respected person that you can think of.... I'm older, so I am thinking Elizaabeth Taylor, then channel that person for the day. Walk in there like you own the place. Hold your head up, be polite but reserved. Stay just long enough to show your respect and then leave gracefully. You will feel better about yourself.

BinaryPulsar

You should do whatever you feel is best for yourself.

I have a similar family situation. In my personal situation, if I were to choose to see them I would not want to do that at a funeral. I would also want to choose which people I saw, and at a funeral everyone will be there.

And actually, when I was a child, I was not in contact with another part of my family (for a shorter time, a year), and I did see them for the first time again at a funeral, and it was tough. It is very difficult to see people again during a funeral.

Wickedone1973

Go or don't go, only you can make that decision. I would, however, suggest therapy to deal with the abandonment issue and/or any other issues. Just my 2 cents.

kkimpel

Honey, you are not a blob and you never were, first of all. I can't tell you what to do about the other. Maybe you could call your cousin and ask for support if you do decide to go.

But whatever you decide.. you are good enough, just the way you are. What you are doing is not so that others can love you. It is an effort to love yourself enough to care that your health has a priority. You matter!

hugs..

katybateman

thankyou all
i think its prob best not to do i do not know the guy and i know it would create some issues if i did and in not ready o have people that have been so horrible to look at me and judge me its not my fault taht they left me and i do not want them to have any say in what i do or who i am

i was only five and he had no idea who he was leaving me with dads are meant to be their for you but obviously no told him that, i never said or did anything to deserve to be blanket i know he knows were i live as i havent moved he knows were i work he told my sister in a letter, he told her who my friends are and what i am doing and i dont like that hes a creep why not just make an effort rather than making tension, i am who i am and he has no right to tell me to change or be some one different. he has another soon now and in the future i know he will come looking for me and my sister however i would happily talk to him but my sister would shut him out she hates them so much she was older and can remember a lit more than i can and she will not say what happend so i can only assume it was bad.

she was only 9 so guess it hurt her a lot more than it hurt me, mum packed our bags and we left in an hour leaving anything atht we did not need , for about six months after we saw him once a month but after that he didnt want anything to do with us.

grandad never made any effort i have not heard one word from him my cousin says atht our photos are still up in his house and taht he stioll talks about us but he knew me and my sister for so very little he hasent got anything to talk about,i know their will always be question like what has made my sister so upset and why has he not bothered to even send me a card or why didnt he fight for me and my sister , i know that being with mum is the best thing ever as she has always been their and done everythiing she could to make everything work. i have been spoilt and i know how hard it must have been for mum, but then i love her and my step dad more than i could ever say

i dont have to prove who i am to them i just know that i can tell them almost anything and they will be happy for me no matter what

i might not be perfect but i like who i am so thats good enough for me

zealousmissjj_wechange

I would go if I were you. Its not about your estranged family, its about YOU getting closure. Its about you seeing him one last time and hopefully forgiving him for not being in your life. I am sure he would want you to let go of that so you can move on and be happy. You don't have to talk to anyone, just excuse yourself politely and walk away if anyone tries to.

She said it all and I 100% agree! Go hun. Get some closure. :flowerforyou:

tpt1950

Think of how proud of yourself you would be afterward by going and doing the right thing. You said you wanted to see him before he died but didn't want him to see you the way you look - are you kidding me?? This shouldn't be about your size, it should be about family. It's just the right thing to do to pay your respects to a family member no matter how badly the relationship went UNLESS you were abused by them in some way in the past. Other than that, I would want to go just to help myself sleep at night that I did the right thing, otherwise I think it would be on my mind all the time that I could have and did not take the opportunity. Just go, say a prayer for your grandfather and then leave. It takes a lot of courage, but I'm sure you can do it.

cmcy24

I've had the experience of losing too many loved ones in my life. But also losing family whom I'm not close with. One lesson I've learned is trying to make decisions based on having no regrets later. I agree with the posters that it seems you need some closure, and although you may or may not get closure by attending the funeral, I think if you skip the funeral, you definitely won't have any closure. Will you regret that?

Good luck with this very difficult and stressful decision.

Lisah8969

Not really knowing all of the reasons behind why the family became estranged, i can only say what i think I would do. I would go. If you haven't spoken to the rest of the family either, you don't really know what they are thinking. They may have ignored you b/c of your grandfather and might now be looking forward to getting to know you without his influence around. I'm not excusing what they did...they are adults and should have reached out anyway. No matter what...if you go and they do want a relationship with you, it's a win. If you go and they are a bunch of jerks, you know that you tried and you don't need to try again...another win.

All in all, I am sorry about this. Family is important, but there are other families that we all have that aren't blood relations. Good luck.

amnsetie

Your dad may have fought to try to stay in touch. You would not have been told this. He may have sent cards. They may have been thrown away. He may not have sent cards for some reason you don't know.
The deal between your parents is likely to have been bitter from the sound of it.
If he knows so much about you it means to me he never wanted to stop being your dad.
He may love to be back in your life but you have know way to know this.
The feelings of your mother and sister are probably the reason he can't contact you.
Also he is probably really scared of being rejected by you.
You seem to be scared you will be rejected by him because of your self image.

I really would contact your dad if I were you. If you are still too young then contact him when you are 25.
By the sound of it all you would have to do is post on facebook and he would hear about it and contact you.

BinaryPulsar

I hope that someday your sister will be able to open up to you about what she remembers. It will not be easy, but it will be good for both of you. It took many years for my brother to be able to hear about what I had to share. It wasn't until we were in our thirties (we are twins) that he was able to listen and fully hear everything. And it was the best thing for both of us to be able to talk and share what we had been through and to support each other and to try and make sense out of how to best handle our family as they are now.