Dieting "with" friend (advice?) (lots of rambling)

loosesealbluth

Fair warning: this is going to be kind of long. I'll try to be concise but I tend to fail at that.

One of my best friends and I both began dieting around the same time back in August. She'd already dieted once before and ended up gaining the weight back. I'd never dieted before. She has much, much less weight to lose than me (I believe a total of ~40-60 pounds whereas I'm working on losing a total of 140-160 pounds). I'm a pretty private person, so my intention was never for it to become a "shared" "journey," but I think she was really excited I was joining in on the whole MFP thing. As a result, all I ever heard about for months straight was dieting.

Some of her habits struck me as disconcerting (I felt she was eating too little while exercising a LOT but refrained from saying anything because "What do I know?"). It became stressful though hearing about weight loss CONSTANTLY. I have an addictive personality (kind of how I ended up needing to lose 140+ pounds) and don't want to end up on the opposite end of the spectrum. The dieting comments were incessant and I found myself slowly beginning to think more and more and more about weight loss and I realized I wasn't okay with that.

Well, being private/non-confrontational, I tried to make it clear through passive agression that I had no interest in hearing about her dieting (that makes me sound horrible and in retrospect I know it wasn't the best approach). To make matters worse, things mounted on thanksgiving when she told me how she did a lemon detox diet a couple days prior and I noticed she had eaten maybe an apple all day because she was "saving up" for dinner (she also kept talking about how she was going to measure every single thing on her plate after I had announced loudly multiple times that I wasn't even thinking about dieting/that it was my "day off"). Well, I somehow ended up exploding at her (I mean EXPLODING), yelling about everything she'd done in the past 4 months that was driving me insane.

She promised never to talk about weight loss again...but you know how those things go. She did get better, but it didn't stop, and it was getting more and more stressful for me because I would look at her profile and see that she was eating too little sometimes and/or exercising a lot. Other little habits (constantly chewing gum to "fight off" hunger, the detox diet, joking about her mom saying she thought she was "anorexic," etc.) had me still a little worried, but I tried not to think about it.

However, for a sociology class, I wrote a paper about dieting/weight loss and feminism (the ridiculous pressure for women to lose weight, the idea that being skinny = being successful) and I compared my friend and I in the paper. I mentioned some of her habits not even thinking of them as anything other than "normal," but he commented on my paper saying it sounded like an eating/body dysmorphic disorder and to see him. I met with him, kind of hoping it would magically solve all my problems. I vented at him about all of this and he said he was going to get in touch with someone to try to get help for her or, at the very least, myself (I don't deny that I would benefit from that). It's been two months, though, and I haven't heard anything.

So. I feel like I've exhausted all of my resources. I even talked to her about my conversation with my professor, but she had an excuse for every "sign" of an ED that I pointed out (I only run a couple times a week...I only did a detox diet ONCE...etc.). It's frustrating for ME because I feel like our weight loss has become a competition and that she gets frustrated with herself when she sees that, after six months, I've lost twice as much weight as her (and I know she knows WHY that is, but I also know she still lets it get to her). I feel like she tries to outdo me and that stresses me out for HER sake. And I feel like she's doing it purely for aesthetics (to look good in a bikini, get guys, etc. etc.) and I find that to be a very...unhealthy mindset. (I'm not saying I don't want to "look good," but I don't think that losing weight is going to solve all my problems; I'm doing it for myself rather than others).

When I did meet with my soc professor, he mentioned that there comes a time in a relationship where you sometimes have to decide whether or not you want to keep going. I'm not saying I want to completely "break up" with my friend, but our relationship is so strained right now that I'm wondering more and more if I should talk to her about this again or just distance myself from her. I hate having her over knowing she's only eating 900 calories and I feel like a lot of the trust we had in our relationship has disintegrated since we started losing weight (she'll snoop on my computer when I'm not present to see what I'm eating/my weight and she's flat-out lied to me a few times recently which I HATE).

My question (to those of you who actually took the time to read all of that, omfg): Do I try talking to her again? Or do I distance myself from her? Change nothing?

At the end of the day I can't change her and I've realized that after multiple attempts. Do I put up with it, or let it/her go?

(edited to fix a couple of typos)

sss1966

Omg what a problem, she is after all, your friend, what to do? She does sound like she has a problem, and the hardest bit will be getting her to see and acknowledge this. I don know that there are any easy answers to this, but I would sit her own, have a heart to heart with her and see if you can get her to open up about things, and also to get some stuff out into the open, I wish you luck x

megsmom2

Wow...
I don't really have a lot of advice to offer other than that some relationships need some boundaries. Some folks are great to go see a movie with or grab a coffee and chit chat...but the differences are too deep to go farther than that. If you can maintain a friendship with boundaries, it can be a good thing. Or it could be time to just let it go. She is dealing with her own issues regarding her weight and diet, and her path is different from yours.
I do want to tell you how pleased I was to read about your research on appearance and feminism. This is important stuff that affects women and men in ways we don't even realize....usually in hurtful ways. Congrats on being an aware young woman and best of luck to you.

TempoChiarisce26

Hi!,

First off, great job on your weight loss thus far! Amazing job! As far as your friend goes...to be completely honest, i would let her go and do your own thing. While you are trying to focus on your self, the last thing you need is negativity to bring you down and/or hold you back. Not saying that it will hold you back, but i guarantee that there will come a point in time where you just get tired of all of it and stop talking to her reagrdless. If i put myself in your shoes, i would distance myself from her. There are so many people out there that will support you and not try and compete with you. A situation such as yours, is toxic and is not going to work unless the two of your are working together. I am also a private person and i do not like when others try to impose on my choices and/or actions. I normally dont comment on posts, but i ahve been in this situation and i know that its not a fun feeling. Just keep your focus on YOU and dont worry about what your friend is doing. I have a feeling you will be better off. Feel free to add me or PM me if you need someone to talk to. Support is the most important piece of this weight loss puzzle

-Maria

Keltinator

Haha that didn't feel like much of a ramble! You're a very good writer. Anyways...

It's sad to hear that one of your friends is at a low point in their lives. But you said it yourself at the end: you've realized you can't change her. And the thing about relationships is that people do change, and sometimes the relationship doesn't survive it. It's not just her that might have changed; obviously you've changed too throughout your weight loss thus far. If she's negatively impacting your life and causing you stress, or hindering you in working towards your goals, it might be time to let her go, or at least change the boundaries of your friendship, if you can.

That's my two cents. Hope that the situation takes a turn for the better in the future! :flowerforyou:

AshyyMM

Hey,
I read your post, but not everyone below it.. so I'm sorry if I do repeat anything anyone else has said.

I don't necessarily think you should "break up" with her.. I do think that you need to sit down with her and lay out some boundaries. Friendships have to have some line of respect. If you can lay out all your feelings and she can respect them then so be it (Just in the means that it's not a competition to you, and your doing this to better yourself) The thing is, you can't really "fix" someone when they don't think they're "broken" you may be able to help her realize it, but she may be in denial.. well is likely in denial. It will be more stressful for you to try to fix her. I would just focus on myself and try to encourage her along the way.

You've done well in your weight loss so far, and maybe down the line she will learn from you and be able to maintain her weight if she loses it in a healthy way vs crash diets.

That being said, after talking to her you may have to distance yourself a bit more just to not be annoyed with her habits. and if you don't need to distance yourself, I would definitely put passwords on anything "private" that she maybe shouldn't set her eyes on. It might help to keep your journey a bit more private especially since she's "obsessed" with your progress and what you're doing.